Macronomicon
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Chapter 210: Planetary, intergalactic
🕑 Added 2019-09-27 23:50:02 +0000 UTCGarth stood on the teleportation pad designed after a certain nonspecific space exploration TV series, and touched his communicator, which gave a welcoming doodle. It made Garth feel like he was a kid again, and no one else knew the difference, so why not?
Scotty, beam us to the surface where we can bust a prime directive all over their faces.
Alicia leaned into his periphery with a frown. What are you talking about?
Caitlyn leaned into his other periphery, looking at Alicia. He designed this place to look like the set from Star-Trek, a play from his youth about people exploring space. Its probably to make him feel young again instead of an ancient fossil from days long past.
I thought thats what I was for, Alicia said with a smirk.
Slut.
Voyeuristic nerd.
When did I lose control of this situation? Garth pondered aloud.
WHEN YOU BROUGHT THE SECOND FEMALE ON BOARD! Grass intoned.
I think thats fairly obvious.
IM STILL NOT SPEAKING TO YOU.
Look, Grass, his mythos is to be undetectable, and I think hes been upgrading himself, too I simply cant find the ninja lawnmowing rock. Besides, youre not in any danger.
IT FEELS WEIRD!
But people love your new look.
THEY DO?
Of course! Havent you felt them admiring your smooth turf, the beautiful curves of the earth highlighted by your brilliant green surface? And havent you felt the children romping and playing on you?
HMMM .
Garth turned his attention to his apprentices. Quick, hit the button.
Alicia turned away from eyeing Caitlyn and mashed the teleport button, sending them and everything in the teleporter down to the surface of the planet.
Kurm didnt look particularly out of the ordinary from space. Normal sized cities, normal wilderness, oceans, deserts, all that jazz.
But when they hit the ground, they noticed a few things were off right away. The grass around the city that appeared normal from space was taller than Garths head, with stalks half as thick as his wrist.
Garth was six foot six at the moment.
Is it lower gravity or something? Garth muttered, glancing up, and marveling at the massive trees looming above them, putting redwoods to shame as they branched out in every direction, making a looming canopy of thick branches hundreds of feet above them in an impossible display of structural integrity. There was a reason redwoods were straight, but these trees seemed to be ignoring that.
Garth felt as if hed somehow shrunk in the teleportation, and now they had to go on a merry adventure to inform their parents to get un-shrunk.
Oh, my goddess, its so beautiful here, Alicia said, spinning and taking in the sights.
Did we shrink? Caitlyn snapped off a stalk of grass.
Probably not. Garth said, pulling in a wave of mana.
Control Plants.
As one, all the grass within several hundred feet of them decided to lay flat, giving them a much better view of their surroundings.
To the east was a massive stone wall, forty feet tall, with some kind of brown resin at the top. It was being patrolled by tiny figures that seemed to be wearing boiled leather. Looming behind that was a distant golden palace, glimmering in the midday sun.
Looks like the floras just big here.
It didnt bother Garth, though. Show me a plant that doesnt bend to my will. Except Grass and Mrs. Banyan, but kids always disobey their parents.
Well, lets go say hi to the natives, and remember, never break the prime directive.
This place is a gathering place of third-tier hopefuls from across the multiverse, Caitlyn pointed out. They already know about aliens.
Just let me have this, you peeping Tammy, Garth said, causing Caitlyn to frown in confusion. Some phrases may not have made the nine hundred year gap. Especially when peeping Tammys are traditionally, very rare.
Most guys will show girls their junk on request.
or is that just me? I remember some of my friends not being as intensely interested in women as I was Probably a hormone imbalance, those poor sods.
Yeah, figure that one out. Garth said as the redhead searched her growing knowledge of early twenty-first century pop-culture. He glanced up at the skies. Looked clear.
Lets fly over to the gate and then walk in, Garth said. They probably have some kind of rule about flying over the wall without a permit or an invisible bug zapper or something like that.
Fly.
Garth funneled colorless mana under himself, and Alicia took to the air behind him with the more energetic, rowdier Weather Mana.
A moment later, Caitlyn followed, also using the more predictable colorless mana beneath herself.
She wobbled an imperceptible amount before straightening and following after them. Garth faced backward in midair to inspect her mana use.
The fly spell, was at its heart, a 3-D tube of mana that carried you along in whatever direction you chose.
Caitlyns control was good, she was recycling spent mana well, using it like a conveyer belt, bringing mana behind her back to the front to squeeze her further along through the air, and only losing maybe fifteen percent of her mana each revolution.
If she were keeping a hundred percent of it, that would make her fly spell require nothing more than the initial investment of will, along with a mental construct to steer it, but she was nowhere near that point.
Even Garth was losing tiny little bits of mana to the environment as he floated backwards through the air. Maybe three percent per revolution, which meant the strain of flying was substantially lower for him.
Garth glanced up.
Alicia was swooping through the air above them with laughter, burning through her mana and losing a staggering third of her tube to the atmosphere as she performed acrobatic loops and twists in midair. Rather than supply her own mana, though, she was channeling Gorns to make up for her horrible control, leaving a thin wake of cloud behind her, kind of like a jet, actually.
Garth glanced back down at Caitlyn floating along, her face focused.
Alicia needs to learn better control, and Caitlyn needs to achieve the second tier, and maybe a Patron.
The question of course was, how to achieve those things? Alicia had vengeance to motivate her to do something incredibly stupid, but what did Caitlyn have? She just wanted to stay at home, reinvent the wheel and jerk off while spying on people, none of which seemed particularly worthy of Patronage from a deity.
Well, its not like I did anything particularly plant or fertility-based before Beladia picked me up. I wonder if theres a god of Voyeurs? Hed probably be interested in Caitlyn. Ill have to ask Origin. I bet if there were, hed look like a wooden wall with a hole in it.
Garth was chuckling to himself when a screech and fwumph of fire sounded from above him.
Alicia was in the clutches of a massive bird of prey whose plumage was literally made of fire, Its foot long claws digging into her black leather armor. while she was plunging downward toward the ground, Alicia put a hand on a claw, struggling to pull it out of her left shoulder.
Caitlyn! Garth said with urgency, snapping her attention away from the deadly fight going on above them.
Yes? She asked, her flight wobbling again as she struggled to process.
Hand me Origin, I need to look something up.
Caitlyn gave him an odd look and handed him the book out of her breast pocket.
Alicia tore the claw away from her shoulder and tried to break the birds finger with a feminine scream of effort, but the fingers attached to the talons were bigger than her arm, and the creature was more than likely near equal to her in its attributes.
Youre doing good, Al! Garth shouted, continuing to float toward the city as he opened the book. Caitlyn huddled near him, casting her eyes around fearfully for more giant predators.
Oh, its you. Origin wrote as he opened it. Give me back to Caitlyn, things were just starting to get interesting.
Is there a god of voyeurs and would he take Caitlyn? Garth thought as Alicia let out a shout of fury and pleasure, driving back the creatures gnashing beak with a wave of lightning that burned out one of its eyes.
The phoenix-looking thing let out a howl of pain and gripped down on Alicia harder, slicing through her enchanted armor.
Mother-
Alicia cut off her curse, growled and seized a claw with both hands, looping Gorns mana between her hands before giving a strange squeak. The channeled lighting was focused in a small point, and literally melted the creatures talon off.
Its really odd, and somewhat arousing to watch her fight, Garth thought idly. At least her Mana Control is improving during battle.
I know, right? Think you could give me to Alicia once Caitlyns done?
Sure, man.
Anyway, to answer your question, while there is such a being, you cant guarantee that Caitlyn will attract his attention, no matter how specifically you cater her Trial. Her best bet is to do something dangerous and over the top that will attract a lot of attention from multiple deities. Giving her a variety of choices is your responsibility as her Sensei.
Damn, I thought that might be the case, Garth said.
Something wrong? Caitlyn asked.
Garth glanced up. The phoenix had reflexively dropped Alicia and was spurting blood from its burned-off talon. Al clad herself in lightning before channeled it through her own flesh, striking the monster square in the face.
The phoenix gave a strangled squawk and started tumbling toward the ground, followed closely by his apprentice, riding a lightning bolt toward the ground and stabbing the creature in the chest repeatedly.
Nah, Garth said, handing the book back. What should I have her do? Infiltrate the local magistrate and steal paperwork or something? There would have to be an element of danger and insurmountable odds. Something intelligence based, though, and not
Garth glanced at Alicia cackling as she cut off the creatures head with Guile.
Not that. So spycraft, against someone, or an organization higher tier than her, with the fate of thousands hanging in the balance. 007 type stuff suits Caitlyn more, preferably with gadgets she builds herself. If theres a god of voyeurs, there sure as hell is a god of invention or craftiness.
Shes only tier one. Everything is higher tier than her.
It didnt escape Garths notice that if the monster had gone after Caitlyn, hed most likely be down one apprentice. Should be plenty of opportunities to pit her against something stronger, then.
Having determined Caitlyns future, Garth turned back toward the city. The little specks on the wall seemed to have seen the flashy fight between Alicia and the monster, and were peering over the edge of the parapet.
I wonder what that brown resin-looking stuff is.
Check it out, Alicia said, rejoining the two of them as they approached the wall, hoisting a massive black talon over her shoulder. Im gonna make the top into a beer mug, the bottom into a sheath, and the tip into a necklace.
Garth glanced over at the black-haired girl, whose clothes were artfully shredded, with gaping holes in the tight leather exposing swaths of pale white skin.
Oh no, youre bleeding, Garth said with faux concern as they arrived at the gate, where hundreds of people wearing everything from cultivator robes to adventurer leathers and solid plate mail filed in and out of the entrance.
Its not that bad, Alicia said, poking one of the deep scratches across her thigh, watching it ooze blood.
We cant have that. Better make sure it doesnt get infected. The Rod of Love manifested in his hand, and Garth gave the riding crop a few experimental swishes, eyeing Alicia.
Here? she asked, paling as she glanced around the disaffected city-goers streaming past them. Couldnt you just
Nope, Gotta treat wounds immediately, Garth said, and Alicia yelped when he grabbed her with overwhelming strength and bent her over his knee, using the rod to thoroughly apply a full heal through the massive tears in her pants, and not stopping until she was satisfied with his work.
***Later***
Alright, Garth said, shrugging his shoulders as Alicia slid off his knee into a puddle on the ground, panting and red-faced.
Anybody who hadnt had somewhere to be right then had formed a circle of gawkers around the two of them some five or ten people deep. Some shouting encouragement to him, or Alicia, but most simply staring.
Strangely enough, Caitlyn had decided to stand somewhere far away from the two of them. Her face was beet red from secondhand embarrassment, but she was unable to look away.
Now, to business, Garth said as he stood, eyeing the gate past the crowd of onlookers. Gotta see what the locals know about the Hildaven flower.
Clear the way! Clear the road for the prince!
A prince? I thought the Dan Ui ran this place, Garth thought as the crowd jerked out of their jiggling butt-induced stupor and immediately got onto the side of the road and bowed low in obeisance.
Garth, meanwhile, sat back down on his wooden chair rooted in the center of the street, reclining and putting his feet up on whatever was in front of him, which happened to be Alicia.
The crowd parted to reveal a young Shinta, probably male, riding a palanquin and wearing thick silks embroidered with gold. In Garths Mana sight, he registered as a tier two, stronger than average, stronger than Garth, even, magically speaking. About on the same level as Jim, whod been a tier four.
In front of him was a corio with a very official looking hat, very tall and black and shaped like a box. He was prodding people out of the way with some kind of crook.
Its not like the guy cant fly is it? Garth thought, eyeing the four sweaty orcs carrying the palanquin. Wasteful. Garth had way better ways to use orcs for hard labor.
The corio in the lead saw Garth sitting there, and looked like he was about to blow a gasket, storming forward with his staff and roughly poking Garth with it.
Clear the path for the prince! he shouted, unable to unseat Garth with his baby-nudges.
Kublem, easy, I believe this is the one we seek. The man on the litter said, pointing at the massive claw beside Garths chair. He looked down at Garth in a manner that made Garths hackles rise.
Were you the one who defeat the Junshei earlier today?
Big flaming bird thing?
That would be it.
The creature would still be alive if it werent for me, yes.
Alicia twitched under his feet.
Hey, I-
Hush apprentice, the adults are speaking.
The glare Garth got in response was priceless.
Excellent. You belong to me now. Report to the Palace for your assignment. He glanced down at the crook wielding fellow. Were done here.
Excuse me? Garth said, his ire building.
Youll speak when spoken to! the crook wielder poked him again, and Garth made the mans staff turn on him like a snake and wrap around his windpipe, preventing him from speaking.
Ah, you must be new here. The silk-covered Shinta said, his palanquin turning to face Garth again before speaking slowly. As if to an idiot.
I. Own. He pointed to himself. You. He pointed to Garth. Now. he pointed to the ground.
Why would your esteemed self bother with little old me? Garth said, his anger slowly building.
The Junshei is a deadly threat, and Ill need capable slaves when I go on my pilgrimage for the Hildaven flower next week. Consider yourself lucky. If there are spare doses, you may be chosen for ascend with me, if youre especially well behaved. Although at this point, Im seriously doubting it.
Huh, Garth said, scratching his chin. He had two options here: Pretend to be the guys stooge long enough to get the drug he needed, snatching it away from the prince in a dramatic last-second grab or he could simply not show up and possibly become an enemy of the state.
Or, option three.
Suck my cock. Garth said.
Excuse me? The prince asked, blinking.
Maybe it doesnt translate well, Garth said, glancing at his status band/translator.
I. Garth pointed at himself. Want. You. Garth pointed at the prince. To put. Your mouth. Garth pointed at him. On my male sex organ. Garth pointed to his crotch. And pleasure it with your lips and tongue. Garth motioned back and forth. Simulating a womans vagina. With your face.
There was utter silence. Garth glanced over at the people prostrating themselves, who looked like they would give anything to be somewhere else at that exact moment. Something about their expressions tickled his funny bone, and he couldnt help but laugh.
Do you have any idea who I am!? The prince demanded, rising to his feet. Still on the palanquin, by the way.
Garth channeled a tiny blip of mana through his status band.
He replied, Do you have any idea what an Orbital Strike is?
Comments
Depends, lasers don’t have much of a blast radius, if they’re low powered enough to not vaporize the atmosphere they are being fired into that is.
0xFFF1
New Side-Story GET! The Misadventures of Ninja Lawnmowing Rock: Separated from Garth on the planet Kurm, don't watch as everyone fails to witness it mow all the grass in the Spheres.
Thundermike00
If he shoots the orbital strike, wouldn’t it harm him too since he’s so near the prince?
COLONY DROP INC!
Chris
"sending them and everything in the teleporter down to the surface of the planet." This makes me think that someone or something snuck with them. Ninja lawnmowing rock would have so much fun with the giant grass.
😂💀
RepossessedSoul
At the end I had the voice from Command and Conquer "ION cannon activated" ring through my head at that last scene.
Nodlehs
I like how he clearly explained himself so there wasn't any confusion :p
Macronomicon
Meteors, In this case. More cost-effective.
Mmmmyes
The question is, is he going for lasers, meteors, bullets, or missiles? There are a lot of things you can use for an orbital strike. Well, for a quick attack, I would go with the lasers, personally. For raw destruction, I would just drop a really heavy explosive on them.
Macronomicon
Good point!
Amelgar
Oh Garth... Don't say that to an alien who's culture you don't understand. He might actually do it!
Seadrake
Wow talk about keeping it low key.
