Macronomicon
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Chapter 56: Ear Collector
🕑 Added 2024-10-07 16:57:26 +0000 UTCI swear that William Oh kid is hiding something. I’ll get to the bottom of it no matter how long I have to- Yes, I understand that I’ve only just joined, but – yes, I also understand that I have guard duty, but – can’t I at least investigate him in my free time? I’m telling you, there’s something about him that just…feels weird. No, I don’t have a crush on him!
-Ria Smith, level 32 City Guard
**Reggie**
Well, looks like we’ve got nothing going on while the ‘leaders’ figure out what we’re doing next,” Reggie said, suddenly nervous now that he was alone with the blonde-haired vision of beauty.
Am I standing too close? Too far away? In need of something to do, Reggie awkwardly put his hand on his hip…then dropped it, waiting for Alicia to respond.
“…I guess.” She whispered.
“How about lunch?” He asked.
“I am hungry.” She mused, pursing her lips in thought.
She probably only likes fancy foods. I should probably take her somewhere fancy.
“How about somewhere fancy? My treat.”
Her face twitched into a frown.
“Something wrong with fancy?” He asked.
“Tiny portion sizes and people always asking me about my father.”
“Say no more,” Reggie said, taking her hand and leading her through the bustling streets of Akul. He didn’t really know where he was going, but all he needed to do was find a nice restaurant to take a girl to that wasn’t too fancy, but still fancy enough for it to be a date.
Assuming this is a date. Is this a date?
“There’s a restaurant around the corner over there.” She said, pointing at a grey stone wall. “Ooh, they serve beef stew and baked potato! And there’s a dance stage! And live music!”
That sounds perfect for a date, Reggie thought
Alicia took Reggie’s hand and pulled him forward, navigating down the street with that natural grace that he found impossible to replicate as people bounced off his chest like marbles, usually sending him mean looks afterwards.
“Hey, watch it!” The older Climber said, shaking his fist as they turned the corner.
“Sorry!” Reggie called over his shoulder at the man, watching him roll his eyes and go about his business.
When Reggie turned his gaze back forward, he stumbled in sheer horror.
5th Floor Fantasies
Clothing Optional restaurant and topless bar.
The building had a sign out front with the silhouette of a woman dancing on a pole, that Alicia obviously could not see.
“Oh wow, their food is really good,” Alicia said, taking a deep whiff. “Whoever is cooking in the back there has a Class for it. I mean, look at him go!”
“I mean, maybe we should-“
“C’mon!” Alicia said, dragging him forward with a surprising amount of strength before he had a chance to formulate a reason why they shouldn’t go in…aside from the obvious.
The entrance spilled raucous laughter and music out into the street, and the two of them walked inside, the atmosphere engulfing them.
“Wow, this place is so lively,” Alicia said as they took a seat at a table, glancing around with wide-eyed wonder.
“Mmhmm,” Reggie said, staring at the menu in front of him.
“What can I get for you two?” A cheery young woman asked, approaching from the side.
“…Can I get the beef stew!?” Alicia asked, raising her voice above the music with a bit of difficulty. “It smells amazing.”
“And you, handsome?” The woman asked, turning toward him.
“S-same,” Reggie said, shielding his line of sight with the menu until the waitress plucked it out of his hand.
Then he just stared at the table.
“Your boyfriend is cute.” The waitresses said before sauntering off.
It was Alicia’s turn to blush and stare at the ground.
“Boyf-…is this a date?” She asked, glancing back up at him.
That prompted Reggie to look back up to meet her gaze. With every fiber of his being, he attempted to keep his full focus on her face.
“I was…kind of hoping?” he admitted.
“Oh. Wow.” Alicia said, her face turning even brighter red than before, taking a long pause to start speaking again.
“Well…I like the restaurant, at least. The ones my father always took me to were so quiet and intense, and everybody always stared at us the whole time.”
“Well…nobody’s staring at you,” Reggie admitted. They were all staring at how flexible Candi was.
“Isn’t it great?” Alicia said with a blinding smile. “This is the best date I’ve ever been on.”
So it is a date? Reggie thought, his stomach assaulted by butterflies.
“…Is it also the only date you’ve ever been on?” Reggie hazarded.
Alicia frowned. “…Not telling.” She said, barely audible over the music and shouting.
“Here you go dears!” the waitress said, dropping two enormous bowls of hearty stew in front of the two of them.
“Mm, amazing.” Alicia said, her glowing blue eyes rolling in pleasure after taking a bite of the stew.
Reggie cocked a brow and tried some of his own, eyes widening in surprise as it turned out to be beyond excellent.
This place must be laundering money because otherwise the food would never be so good.
“We have to come here again.” Alicia said in perhaps the most assertive statement Reggie had ever personally witnessed her make.
“…Sure.”
“Would you two like a dancer once you finish your food?” A waitress asked, stopping by to refill their water.
“No, that’s-“
“That’s an option? Wow! Yes, please!” Alicia said, pulling a few ivory out of her purse before glancing at Reggie. “You know what, make it two. One for each of us.”
The waitress gave Reggie and Alicia an appraising glance as she slid most of the money back. “For a couple as pretty as you two it’s our pleasure.”
“Wow, thanks!”
Reggie buried his head in his hands.
“Just remember: No touching without asking first.”
Alicia glanced back at Reggie with an inquisitive frown.
“Why would we touch them?”
Reggie felt his face heat up even further as he shook it, staring straight down at the table.
**William Oh**
“Bahahahahah!” June and Alicia were laughing uproariously when Will and Loth arrived at the Party meeting.
“That was so mean!” June shouted. “Reggie’s never even done the ‘clothes’ prank on you before! Turning it against him…that’s like kicking a puppy. You are some kind of evil genius. Remind me not to piss you off. Or even be nearby when somebody else pisses you off.”
“Mean!?” Alicia gasped, her body language collapsing in on itself as she began to whisper. “I was just ‘razzing’ him back like you said…At least before it turned into a date…should…should I apologize? Did I hurt his feelings?”
“Nah, he got a date and a good story out of it, so I’m sure he’s happy. Plus he got to see some-”
“Melons!” Travis shouted as he burst into the room, bearing a pair of massive melons in his arms. “You can literally get any food you want here! They can grow anything on this Floor! Meat! Soy sauce! Fish! Melons!”
“Bread?” Will asked.
“The freshest bread you could imagine. With any extras you want! Rosemary. Garlic. Cheeeeeeese!” Travis said, wiggling his fingers dramatically.
Will swallowed drool. Several weeks of climbing The Tower eating ration bars, weeds, and the occasional alligator gave him a deep-seated need for real food.
In this case bread. Or pastries. Or rolls. Buns. Soft, squishy bread. Preferably without rocks.
Will was starting to regret spending all his time figuring out their jobs while the rest of his Party was, by all accounts, enjoying their time shopping, relaxing, and in Alicia’s case, hazing Reggie.
Speaking of, Will thought, watching Reggie enter the room and sit down across the room from Alicia, staring at the floor with a hollow expression.
Wow. She really did get him good. I need to get the full story later.
Once Mason arrived, He and Loth went through the job offers while Travis cut up melons and passed them out.
“Okay, first up, we have sewer cleanin-“
“PASS!” Mason shouted, echoed by everyone else.
“Loth and I can probably handle that,” Will mused, flipping to the next one.
“Three offers to track down and maim various Climbers. The offers are high, but Steve tells me there’s a chance they could be traps designed to attract free XP to the ‘target’ of the beating. Can’t exactly go to the authorities if the ‘victim’ of our illegal kneecapping turns the tables on us…should we hire people to attack us? No, that’s silly.”
Will glanced around, finding most of the rest of the party staring at him over wedges of melon.
“We’ll put the kneecapping jobs down as a ‘maybe’.” Will said, making a note on the page.
“Underground fight tourney. Hundred Ivory just to fight. Ten thousand if you win.”
“Unarmed?” Reggie asked, finally waking from his stupor and joining the conversation.
“…With weapons and Abilities.” Will said reviewing the job offer.
“Nah, I don’t wanna die,” Reggie said, waving it off.
“Several pieces of art from rich houses have disappeared recently…”
Nobody looked interested.
“Drug smuggling…” I could probably take that one. Will memorized the details then threw the incriminating note in the fire.
“Guard and rebuild a damaged bridge in the far east side of the city…”
“Picking fruit at the-“
“That one!” Travis said, slapping his palm down, the other hand shoving melon into his mouth.
“…Carnivorous gardens.” Will finished.
“Oh.” Travis sat back down. “Do we have to do this?”
Will wordlessly leaned over and grabbed the Inn’s bill off the nearby countertop and passed it over to the Master Decoy, who paled as he read.
“…I’ll take the bridge.” He said.
Once they were done discussing the pros and cons, June, Mason and Travis took the bridge, Alicia and Reggie took the man-eating garden, While Will and Loth took the sewers.
Will didn’t mind the smell if it paid well enough.
Plus it paired nicely with the drug smuggling.
They paired up and headed out, with Loth and Will stopping by a bakery to get something to eat before they became walking biohazards.
“Come on in!” A young woman’s voice called as the bell above the door announced their presence.
She stepped out from the back, lifting a massive tray of bread and effortlessly depositing them behind the glass divider.
“What can I get for you?”
She was about Will’s age, pudgy, with flour-sprinkled blonde hair, brown eyes and freckles over pale skin. But most importantly, she was wearing an apron and offering him bread, which made her perfect.
“Could I get two of those rolls, six raspberry tarts and a garlic bread?” Will said, pointing them all out.
“Sure!” she said with a smile, her hands moving deftly to bag up Will’s order while also turning to Loth.
“And you Mr…”
“Loth,” Loth said.
“Hi, Loth! I’m Anna, what can I get for you?”
“Couple of those flatbreads, and cheese. Lots of cheese.”
“Right away!” She said, handing Will his bag and swiftly filling Loth’s order.
“That’ll be two ivory.”
Will sighed and handed the money over.
I’m starting to feel that letter about the ‘price of money’.
“Mister, you look young to be on this Floor, if that’s not too rude to say,” she said depositing the money into the till. “You must be very talented.”
“I could say the same about you,” Will said.
“Nah, I got bussed up when I was younger.” She said, waving it off “I’ve never even been outside the city since.”
“Bussed up for a bakery job?” Will asked. Not even a job in a stronghold that needed a specialized baker, but like...just a normal bakery?
“No, it was for my dad’s job, but it kind of fell through. I just recently found a job, though, and I am surprised at how much I like baking! It’s like I’ve been doing it all my life.” She lowered her voice and leaned over the glass counter, standing on her tippy toes. “And Jean, my boss, is the best.”
“Are you flirting with the customer’s again!?” An older woman’s voice barked from the back.
“…NO!” Anna said, her shoulders stiffening.
“Then get back here and help me like I’m paying you for, girl!”
“Come back soon!” Anna said, waving as she disappeared into the back.
“Raspberry tart?” Will asked, offering Loth a tart as they walked down the street.
“Sweet foods don’t taste very good to me.” Loth said, gnawing on some cheese-covered flatbread.
“Fair enough,” Will said, shoving the overpriced sweets into his face.
“You’re gonna go back to that bakery aren’t you?”
“She said to ‘come back soon’.” Will said defensively. “It would be rude not to.”
Loth rolled her eyes as they turned off the main street and began winding through ever-narrowing alleys. “You and bakers.”
“As far as having a type, I think ‘baker girl’ is pretty inoffensive.”
“Common though.” Loth replied.
“like it would be a good thing if I had a type that is harder to find?” Will demanded as they approached the three hard-bitten men waiting in the alleyway. “What if I never find love?”
“Cry me a river,” Loth replied.
“Hey, we’re with Steve.” Will said as they arrived.
“You seem pretty young.” The lead drug runner said.
“Which is a good thing, isn’t it?” Will asked, spreading his arms. “Who’s gonna stop me?”
The lead thug frowned for a second, then nodded to one of the men beside him, who pulled out a package nearly the size of Will’s head, coated in wax.
“I’ve been in need of a new courier, and Steve said you were good. Deliver this to the Johan mansion in the upper district, directly into the butler’s hands. If you lose it, get caught, or fail to deliver, I’ll add you to my belt,” the thug pointed down at the human ears studded to his belt.
Two of which were fresh.
“Yeah, sure,” Will said, tucking the package under his truncated arm as he and Loth turned away, continuing their conversation about romance.
The instant he turned the corner, Will stowed the package in the Phantom Hand.
“Stop there, criminal scum!”
A young woman wearing a breastplate and the livery of Baron Akul leapt into the alleyway from her hiding place, lowering a halberd towards them.
She was athletic, easily six feet tall with brown hair and a fierce look in her eyes.
But since she wasn’t wearing an apron, Will had little interest.
“Who, me?” Will asked.
“Who else!? lift up that mask!”
Will raised his mask.
“You’re so young.” She scowled. “It disgusts me that the Ear Collector would turn children to a life of crime. Come clean and the sentence will be light.”
“Hey!” Will said, loud enough for the Ear Collector to hear. “We just got lost and that guy threatened to gut us if we didn’t leave! That’s all that happened!”
“Likely story,” She said, poking at them with her halberd. “Turn around, let’s join your friends, but first, hands on your heads. Let’s find what you’re smuggling.”
She checked their pockets, her gaze rapidly growing more and more panicked.
“What, but. What- Where!?” She desperately patted both of them down, spilling Will’s uneaten rolls out into the mucky alleyway and checking the bag.
“Hey!”
“H-Hands on your heads!” She said, flustered. “Maybe you stashed it between here and there.”
Will and Loth marched back around the corner where the Ear Collector and his men were being held at sword-point by half a dozen men in the Duke’s livery.
“Alright Ria, where’s the drugs?” the oldest guard asked, glancing away from the Ear Collector.
“I already told you, there wasn’t no drugs,” The Ear Collector said, hands on his head. “We just scared off those twerps ‘cause they were in the wrong neighborhood.”
“I umm….can’t find them?” Ria, presumably, admitted, her voice wavering.
“What!?” Her superior demanded. We heard the deal go down. Check the sewer grates!”
“Can’t believe we trusted a total noob to guard the exit,” One of the guards muttered, shaking his head as Ria deflated.
“This is going to put a huge dent in our schedule for the day,” Loth mused, hands on her head beside him.
The next two and a half hours were a tedious exercise in bureaucracy, but it ended with Loth and Will going free.
The next three hours were spent scouring the sewers long after they lost the natural light, which, while annoying, wasn’t a dealbreaker, given that Loth had managed to breed the glowing trait into many of her faster crawlers, who swarmed through the sewers, cleaning them while the two of them killed the slimes that budded off of the slime kaiju trapped underground that purified sewage and prevented the drinking water from being contaminated.
Big cities are interesting, Will thought as the two of them climbed out of the manhole, just a block away from the Johan mansion.
They located the servant’s entrance and handed off the drugs to the butler who slipped them a small bag full of ten-pieces, which was about ten times what the sewer job paid.
Will had no ethical complaints about a rich dandy frying his own brain, so he was happy enough to take the money.
The butler wrinkled his nose at the sewage smell and insisted they leave as soon as possible, until a shrill scream from one of the maids echoed through the halls.
“T-The Erland Tapestry is gone!”
“Nice doing business with you,” Will waved and the two of them turned and left the mansion before things got complicated.
They were just getting past the gate when one of the upper windows of the mansion shattered, a figure in shiny black leather leaping through with an unnaturally powerful leap, twirling through the air before landing on the street beside them, a massive tapestry over her shoulder.
“HAHAH! None can catch the Phantom Thief!” she said moments before jumping up, nearly fifteen feet into the air, landing gracefully atop the rooftops and sprinting away as the sounds of alarm from the upper district’s overzealous guard began to close in around them.
“Back into the sewer?” Will asked.
“We won’t get back to the inn before midnight otherwise,” Loth said, ushering him back into the manhole.
Comments
Emily Gurnavage
“Back into the sewer?” Will asked. Lolol
Doctor Zero
WHAT IS HE HIDING?!?
Gavriel
I like the little post at the top correlating to later in the chapter
Huruki
Looking at the locked posts 55 does exist, just seems like it didn't get unlocked for some reason
Sarah Sunstone
it’s looking like you skipped from 54 to 56 to me, is that right?
austin kutz
Or directly turn him into a baby, at which point, Will chops his head off and lights his body on fire. Still poetic, and his detractors get to call him a baby killer
austin kutz
Yeah, in this setting, at this level, most skills are super specific. "Detect contraband carried on person" likely exists, and "detect concealed contraband" but I doubt there's a version of such a skill at this level that can see directly inside someone else's storage skill. There might be a single person in the entire city like that, but that person would have spent all their skill ups on raising that one skill. Unless someone were paid to do specifically that, no one would bother. Except maybe a bandit looking for good marks
chris
Ria Smith be like ♫And, I'm Javert. Do not forget my name. Do not forget me.♫
Jeff Wells
I see no reason why they would. A dimensional bag of some kind, sure, but I imagine having a dimensional storage space as literally part of your body is pretty unique.
Dee
Sweets may not work for her but there’s plenty of fatty, cheesy, and savory baked goods that could work. Pizza, anyone?
D2FU
Getting away with the smuggled package is good for comedy, but shouldn’t the guards have some skill to detect/seize contraband?
Nef Mccrimmon
Will should send the hand to cach the theif
CoveringStorm
The phantom thief is described as having an unnaturally powerful leap. Obviously this is someone who had the same primary ability options as Will but took the vastly superior leap ability instead of the greatly inferior aspect of the goat
Fuyge
I feel like the thief would fit right in.
EDMANGO
Eyyyyy I'm so happy they did a sewer job!!! Much funnier than what I requested lol
David Giles
Go on Loth, learn to bake. It's the only path to victory.
Josiah Elliott
Maybe a bunch shaped like a snake to get those extra brownie points. Honestly Loth is small, could be that little bit chubby that Will likes and is definitely smart enough to be a great baker, I could easily see it
Stephen E Wilson Jr.
That's his goal is to be able to make relics and consumables endless to buff himself to ridiculous levels.
Gaunt
With how smart Loth is, the plan makes it self. Learn to bake, acquire apron, recieve headpats while feeding target of affection.
Ryan Naquin
So does closing her eyes do anything for Alicia or can she just see through her eyelids? Imagine being unable to close your eyes.
Ranger Science
Good reference :) Also, idk how I feel about having my *own* GG memories when I was fifteen… twenty years ago. Goddamn that comic has been going for awhile!
Beeees!
Honestly could happen with that yeast barrel
Beeees!
Truly lol
Exrotes
For some reason Loth and Will casually travelling around the sewer fighting monsters and having no morals instantly zapped me back 15 years to the two secret tunnel sewer experts in the Girl Genius webcomic.
ParadoxFox
I wonder if you could force Frederick Wyrd to reverse-age to conception by causing Tangled clones to explode. Probably won’t work but it would be a poetic death.
Daemion
This chapter made me chuckle so much, thank you. ^^
Andrew
Thank you!
Edward Jeffs
William Oh's drugs were so good that he became a legitimate pharmaceutical company, as he seemed to be growing the rarest ingredients out of his ass.
Ano Ano
The nonchalant acceptance of the drug running job captures the feeling of playing an RPG in a way that I don't think I've seen in any other story. Excellent.
