Macronomicon
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Chapter 62: Would the Real Phantom Thief Please Stand Up?
🕑 Added 2024-10-23 17:01:44 +0000 UTCMicheal Francis mopped sweat off his brow.
How had things gone so wrong?
Five years as a Climber, slowly and carefully working his way up to the land of plenty, a lucky break with an administrative job, then thirty years of diligent service, and he’d finally made it. He was one of the wealthy decision-makers in the city of his lord, Akul.
He’d lived in a mansion, with maids.
But now he was dead.
Because the coffin was gone.
Baron Akul, like most Lords, was highly paranoid, never telling everyone everything, burying secrets across the city, so many that none saw the complete scope of his machinations.
The only secrets Micheal knew of was the kaiju hidden under the City Records office and the coffin.
But the records office wasn’t his responsibility.
The Coffin was.
It was made of solid onyx, inlaid with thick gold, and was basically too heavy to steal. You would need a dozen high-level warriors with outlandish strength, and they certainly wouldn’t be able to disappear with it.
There was a single footprint in the floor where the thief had shifted their weight wrong, causing them to sink partially into the floor, leaving a crisp footprint embedded in the marble.
What am I going to do? Sooner or later, the baron will send an agent to check up on me, and then I’m dead.
Illusionist? No, that’s just asking for the illusionist to blackmail me for the rest of my days, which would likely be short anyway.
Come clean and alert the duke immediately?
Less chance of my children dying too, I suppose…The thing was, Micheal really didn’t want to lose his status or get splattered by the baron in a fit of rage.
Micheal sank to his knees.
Maybe I can make a cast of the footprint and arrest anyone in the city who matches it. I might get lucky eventually. Micheal chuckled.
Not without anyone with two brain cells to rub together figuring out what he was doing.
Micheal was staring into the void of his broken dreams when a small foot appeared in front of him.
“Master, are you alright?” Rosa asked. The young maid knelt down to give him a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. She was always kind to him.
“Not really, Rosa.” Micheal said, leaning back against the wall and letting his legs flop out in front of him. He wasn’t up to the task of standing right now.
“I regret to inform you that your tenure here may be coming to an end. No fault of yours, I assure you. I’m the one on the way out.” Micheal said, glancing up at her concerned brown eyes.
“Would you like a letter of recommendation to some of my colleagues before it loses any value?”
“You’re not a bad person.” she said…almost a question. Odd thing for his mistress to say.
“I’m…normal.” Micheal said with a shrug. He always tried to pay his staff fairly and be discrete about his affairs. No bastards, no lives ruined. That sort of thing.
“Was that box really that important?” She asked.
“I’m probably going to be killed when the Baron finds out,” Micheal admitted, beyond bluster at this point.
“What would you do to get it back?” Rosa asked.
Micheal cocked his head, glancing up at her, his scattered wits sharpening.
“You’re not Rosa.”
“I never said I was,” ‘Rosa’ said, taking a graceful step backwards, her foot sinking perfectly into the single footprint embedded in the marble flooring.
“Had to spread my weight out,” She said, her feet widening dramatically until they were roughly the size and shape of snowshoes.
His first instinct was to lunge forward and try to subdue the slight woman…But if she was a shapeshifter and could lift the coffin…any physical altercation would resolve in her favor.
Micheal’s decades of well-honed self-preservation instinct kicked in.
This wasn’t a situation best solved by force. This was a situation best solved by total capitulation.
“What do you want for it?” Micheal asked.
“I want you…to throw me a party,” She said.
“…That’s it?” Micheal asked, frowining up at the person who held his life in their hands. A party was…kind of a small ask.
“…I have some specific requests,” she said with a mischievous grin unlike anything he’d ever seen on Rosa’s face.
“Before you start, Is Rosa okay?” Micheal asked, holding up a hand.
“Why would you –“ her expression soured. “Ew…” her body rippled and shifted into a slender black-haired girl, even shorter than Rosa.
“Blech,” She wiped herself off as if she’d gotten something icky on her, shuddering from head to toe. “The maid? Really? What a cliché.”
“I’m…normal.” Micheal shrugged.
**William Oh**
Three days after arranging their purchase, the money went through and Will got his hands on the Sacrifices he’d ordered from the shop. It was altogether…uneventful.
“Really?” Will asked, glancing around. “No dramatic attack or last-minute reversal?” He asked. The room remained silent.
“Why would you expect that?” Loth asked.
“Because I beat a phantom thief at stealing. They typically hold grudges for a long time about this sort of thing.”
“What would you know about the behavior of phantom thieves?”
“I stole a kid’s toy in the middle of the night once because he wouldn’t pass the bread.” Will said with a shrug. “This Phantom Thief seems to have the same level of maturity.”
“Uhuh, just take your Upgrade.” Loth said, shaking her head.
One step closer to getting my hand back, Will thought, holding up the chunk of Immortal Serpent.
Do you wish to Sacrifice Immortal Serpent to Aspect of the Goat?
Yes.
There was a flash of light and the chunk of mummified flesh was gone.
A tingle went down Will’s spine as some oddness flooded his entire body, prompting a shudder.
Aspect of the Goat has received a Qualitative Upgrade, becoming Aspect of the Immortal Serpent. Review the description for changes.
Aspect of the Immortal Serpent:
A collection of passives that focus on mobility and hardiness. The bearer of this Ability becomes more resistant to exposure and altitude. Their digestive systems become able to process food unfit for human consumption, and their hands and feet always find safe purchase on even the most hostile terrain. User will heal more completely. Scars and damage, both external and internal will fade away over time, and only a complete removal of a limb or organ will prevent this healing. Scales with Resistance.
Will inspected the Ability. The word ‘minor’ had been cut from in front of ‘passives’, and the description of the Immortal Serpent Sacrifice had been shoehorned into the end of the ability.
Notice, it doesn’t say I heal faster, only more completely. Big difference.
Will glanced around, but there was still no phantom thief popping out of the floorboards to assert dominance.
“Huh. Maybe I was just being paranoid.” Will admitted.
“You are pretty good at it.” Loth said as they left the Sacrifice shop.
“No, I’m good at being prepared,” Will corrected her. “Paranoia outside The Tower is common sense inside.”
“Ehh…” Loth waggled her scaled hand.
“I don’t get it,” Will mused as they walked. “The laws of being a Phantom thief, which is basically the sport of being petty, dictate that she focus her ire on me. That she steals that which I most desire.”
“Obviously this is what I most desire,” Will said, motioning to his missing hand. “There’s nothing else I like more than having two hands…I’m gonna stop for a raspberry tart.”
Will’s feet had stopped in front of Jean’s Bakery.
“Really?” Loth asked, scaly brow raised.
“Obviously I would give up on one raspberry tart for my hand, if I could.”
“What about baking tarts entirely?” Loth asked.
“Pff. You can’t do that. That’s like half the food groups right there,” Will said as he pushed the door open. “Wait a minute, are you talking about baking tarts or baking tar-“
“Welcome!” A masculine voice called out as Will entered, causing him to stop in his tracks and re-evaluate the situation.
Behind the counter was an adonis. A vision of male perfection so immaculate that it could’ve only been created by a woman at a drafting board. Perfectly aligned white teeth, lean but not veiny, lithe, strong jaw but not too strong, curly golden hair bordering on red. Stunning green eyes.
…Knowing smirk.
Oh, that jerk.
“Welcome to Jean’s bakery, I’m Kyle, what can I get for you?” the ‘man’ said as Will approached.
“Where’s Anna?” Will demanded.
‘Kyle’ gave an apologetic shrug. “Some rich guy commissioned a huge catering order, so they’re expanding their production capacity, and that means they’re super-duper busy. It’s just me manning the front counter nowadays. Can I get you anything?”
Will cocked his head and listened. He could hear Anna, Ria, and their boss from the back, calling out instructions and requests to each other as they struggled to meet the catering order that the Phantom Thief had surely instigated.
“Listen here you little shit,” Will growled. “I know exactly who you are. You’re not a baker, you’re not even a man. You’re the Phantom Thief, and you think you can get under my skin by stealing my bakers.”
“Can’t I?” ‘Kyle’ asked, leaning an elbow on the display.
“Oh sure, maybe you can, but what happens next?” Will asked.
“Huh?” ‘Kyle’ blinked.
“Say you use this ridiculous costume” – Will gestured to all of ‘kyle’ – “to make Anna fall in love with you, what happens next?”
“Then I break her heart.”
“Then what?” Will asked.
“Uhhh…”
“What if I hang around, try to win her back?”
“Then I’ll stay.”
“Then what? You gonna get married to Anna, raise some kids, pretend to be a man for the rest of your natural life? Just to spite me?”
“Uuuh…” ‘Kyle’ began visibly shrinking as Will continued poking holes in his revenge plan.
“You didn’t really think this through, did you?” Will asked, righteous anger coursing through him as he got the upper-hand in the conversation. “You’re just a bumbling-“
“Will, it’s a set-up.” Loth said, throwing cold water on Will’s temper.
In the space of a heartbeat, ‘Kyle’ lost two feet of height and turned into a petite, black-haired girl a hand’s length shorter than Anna, and began bawling out loud.
Warned by Loth, Will switched tracks instantly.
“Oh my, are you okay!?” Will said performatively, leaping over the counter to ‘hug’ the bawling young woman.
“Will, are you being mean to Bee?” Anna asked, the chubby blonde poking her head out of the back of the shop.
“He-“ ‘Bee’ began to speak, but Will cut her off.
“Just helping her to her feet.” He said, lifting ‘Bee’. “She stubbed her toe real bad.” His Phantom hand released a blade from its storage before catching it midair and pressing it into the shapeshifter’s spine, out of Anna’s line of sight.
‘Bee’ stiffened at the sharp sensation digging into her back.
“Ow…I think I’m okay. I’m sorry, stubbing my toe just…reminds me of my daaaad…” ‘Bee’ continued bawling.
“Oh…there, there,” Anna said, wrapping an arm around the shorter girl’s shoulders and escorting her away. “Let’s get some sweets in you and take a little break. Okay?”
“…Okay,” Bee said between sniffles. She peeked over Anna’s arm and stuck her tongue out as the baker girl escorted her to the back room.
Beyond them, Will spotted Ria watching from the darkness. The ‘undercover’ guardswoman motioned to her eyes, then pointed at Will.
‘I’m watching you.’
Will responded with a rude gesture only Ria could see, given the other two were facing the opposite direction.
Damn my life.
“Thanks for the warning.” Will said as Anna and Bee left. Getting him mad and then changing the game would’ve caught him flat-footed if he’d been alone. At least this way it’d been a stalemate.
“I’d like to take this opportunity to remind you that there are other bakeries in Akul,” Loth said. “…Less contentious ones.”
“Maybe, but that would be admitting defeat,” Will said, grabbing an order of pastries and leaving payment on the counter.
“And you say the Phantom Thief is petty,” Loth sighed as they exited. “Seems like you’ve got all the right ingredients to be one yourself.”
High stealth, maneuverability, the ability to steal things without people noticing. Pettiness.
Will chuckled. “I do, don’t I?” he paused, tart halfway to his mouth. “I do, don’t I!? put some tracking scent on my palm.” Will said, shoving the tart in his mouth and holding out his hand.
“Bit of a tone shift, but sure,” Loth said, bemused at Will’s sudden change in attitude. A moment later a bug landed on his palm before flying off. Even with his heightened senses, Will barely felt it.
“That’s it?”
“If it were highly noticeable it wouldn’t be any good for tracking you.”
“Me?”
“People.”
Will poured the bag of tarts into his mouth before spinning on his heel and re-entering the bakery a few minutes later, catching Bee just as she came back to the front counter.
“I just realized why you’re doing this. You’re threatened by me. Somewhere in the back of your head, you think I might be a better thief than you.” Will said, leaning close and lowering his voice so the others in the back wouldn’t hear him.
“So how about this? Pick an object. We compete to see who can steal it, and the winner is, for all times, the superior Phantom Thief, uncontestably. The loser admits they couldn’t hack it and doesn’t bother the winner ever again.”
“Obviously I’m the superior phantom thief!” Bee whispered back.
“Prove it.” Will said.
Her brown eyes narrowed. “...fine. The party the girls are prepping for, happens tomorrow night. The host owns a gilded coffin. It’ll be on display in the center of the party. It’s bulky, heavy, and valuable. moving it, let alone stealing it, is a challenge in and of itself.”
“First one to steal it is the real Phantom Thief?” Will asked.
“Deal,” Bee said.
“Deal.” Will said, reaching over the display.
“I…I’m not tall enough.” The girl said after trying and failing to reach over the display glass.
“You’re a shapeshifter, damnit.” Will whispered.
“Oh, right.” Her limbs lengthened and a moment later, her palm clasped his.
“Deal,” Both of them whispered simultaneously, neither of them intending to stick to it, and both of them aware of it.
“A spur of the moment phantom thief competition?” Loth said, shaking her head as they left. “Will, I thought better of you.”
“All we have to do is believably fail, withstand a bit of gloating, and she’ll lose interest in us?” Will said. “Her bruised ego was the root of the problem, and therefore it’s the solution.”
“A wise, holistic approach. But doomed to failure if you follow her back to her lair and steal your tomahawk back while she’s distracted with the coffin heist, like you’re obviously planning.” Loth pointed out.
Will chewed his lip.
“Oh. Right. Well, I’m not giving up on the tomahawk. That’s my tomahawk. She cannot have…my tomahawk.”
Will couldn’t give two shits about a fancy coffin, but his first Relic, acquired at great risk to his own life and marking the beginning of his career as a Climber? That was unacceptable.
“You and her are on same wavelength.” Loth said.
“We are, aren’t we?” Will said, thinking as they walked. “Then…If it were me, I would’ve picked something I already stole, that way there was no chance of losing.”
Comments
Spoolofwhool
Slime kaiju in the sewers too
Wiggles1
Pain.
TjStorm
Macro has already promised portal books to complete the series. I think it was part of an agreement to publish the ebooks
Danny Chin
Omg! Is he that one DnD outter God like being in Industrial Strength Magic? They playing a long good game!
Benjamin Collins
Idk I don't keep track of that
Ziggoid
Yeah, that amount of upgrades felt off, lol.
Ano Ano
Fancy coffin means fancy vampire.
austin kutz
Going by the authors past history, he's most likely a reincarnated godlike being who sealed his own memories either for fun or to avoid depression. I'm still waiting on the completion of WotR, author. You'd better write the rest of it eventually or I'll mention it forever
King Eater
Is he not 13?
austin kutz
Maybe he just forgot. It's at the bottom of the bag and he didn't even think about it
Benjamin Collins
A sandwich
Benjamin Collins
I love how he just acts like a kid
Macronomicon
Looks like you're right, lol.
Macronomicon
I...thought he only had one primary upgrade ATM. Will double check.
Manuel valdez
Lord akul beloved but terminally ill evil twin
StrollingEye
Was that a second Kaiju mentioned here? One under the prison and a second under the City Records office?
StrollingEye
Inside the Casket 2: nothing, maybe velvet padding, but wouldn't it be cool if the casket multiplies necromancer build abilities by some huge factor if you sleep/stay/hide in it overnight?
ParadoxFox
I saw this in Futurama where police arrest Schrödinger and they don’t know if the cat in the box is alive or dead
David Burchfield
Its like Pulp Fiction we never find out and probably a metaphor for something.
David Burchfield
#3, Loth is BG #1, with #2 being the not-baker girl Brianna, and Phantom Thief being #3 (assuming you don't count the baker and guard, which I don't)(also assuming Bee is not Bri which is probably safe since they don't seem to have the same personality, still that oathbreaker item might have broke some other things with the oath... we will see).
Ano Ano
I thought he had two upgrades available. Can he not immediately use the Axolotl sacrifice too?
Kronos
Tftc! “…That’s it?” Micheal asked, frowining up at the person who held his life in their hands. frowining -> frowning “I do, don’t I!? put some tracking scent on my palm.” -> Put “moving it, let alone stealing it, is a challenge in and of itself.” -> Moving
austin kutz
Does this make the Phantom Thief best girl #2 or #3? Assuming we don't count any baker girls.
Jon
Is this a Nick Cage reference
Opportunity Drive
On his first date, William Oh stole an entire city from the tower. The authorities were called, but due to the interminable sluggishness of bureaucracy, William Oh had already grapsed authority for himself
Scott
A huge criminal ring gets exposed/ arrested. Ria has no clue but circumstances cause her to get the credit for exposing it.
Baines
I like this idea. The thief being a rich spoiled heiress explains how no heavy hitter has gotten her, even if she really is as talented as she claims to be the tyranny of levels and all that. Plus now Oh has 3 princesses in his ‘harem’ lol or at least when Jason learns of them.
Imagine Baggins
Another, smaller box
Edward Jeffs
William Oh is only considered a thief if you think that walking through the front door, taking what he please, and leasurly leaving is a heist. At least thats how he describes it; the facilities he steals from usually describe it as an all out assult from a raiding clan.
Acoga
Hopefully delicious baked goods.
Andrew
Thank you!
Gaunt
Its a slotless 1 up relic, this is (one of) Akuls back up plans
TjStorm
Lord Akul’s real body. The one he uses is just a clone, a distraction for would be assassins. Cus, when the thief opens it, it would be hilarious for the thief to go, i’ve got you now daddy, wheres my pony?
Macronomicon
fixed.
Macronomicon
What's in the box!?
TjStorm
We was one of the wealthy decision-makers in the city of his lord, Akul. He was one of the wealthy decision-makers in the city of his lord, Akul.
Macronomicon
Okay, I think we've set the stage for some hijinks. Now we can start the rising action.
