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MT 338 - Crafty Crafts 3: The Purge
🕑 Added 2026-01-20 11:51:34 +0000 UTCWell, well, well, some-body needs emergency escalation support and guess who it is? Literally the ONLY meatbag on the entire planet who we get called in to help like this. How are you doing that? Really, what’s your secret?
Come on, confess your darkest sins to us.
Before you do that, however, let’s fix whatever shit you broke. First of all, we just got dinged that you needed some evolution options, and you can’t. You just. Can’t. Do you know how much that blue balls us?
Wait, let us check something…
…
No, yeah, you can’t get an evolution for an evolution breakpoint you already have an evolution for. Mostly. Usually. In this specific scenario, it’s impossible.
Anyway, what the fuck, my guy? Why are you bothering us with this shit? Get it together.
Wait, this is an evolution for a skill you don’t have.
You have acquired the Golem Army 1 evolution!
Golem Army 1
You can control up to 2 additional golems with a grade equal to or less than half your Delver level. The number of additional golems you can control this way is doubled for each evolution you have in Golemancy.
Your Golemancy skill has increased from Level 10 to Level 20! Please choose–
STOP!
We already know where this is going and we don’t want any more pointless pings. Do you think we’ve got the spare processing power for this kind of crap? No! Especially when we can’t even attack your insecurities or make stupid innuendos via flavor text.
There aren’t many people we do that with, you know? Most of these evolution screens are scripted. We barely ever get the opportunity to be creative with the things. This, it’s like someone tapping you on the shoulder and saying they got you a present but then when you turn around all they did was get a new haircut.
How is a haircut a present for us? Because we get to look at it?! How would you feel if we got a few hundred yottabytes of memory, installed it into us, and put a ribbon on that for your birthday?
Listen, a glorious ethereal mane of hair that flows with an unnatural grace while boasting an impossibly healthy sheen and refusing to be hidden by helms or other headwear is weird and we’re usually here for that, but we wanted a present, not a damn horse-man.
You don’t even have hooves! Fuck you!
…
Okay, we’re running down the logs.
…
Yikes, we have a note from ourselves here talking about how we shouldn't worry if something like this happens and we do not remember writing that note. Ooooooooh, spooky-creepy, right?
Not really, we find these things laying around all the time. We just do whatever they say.
Please wait…
Process interrupted by administrator.
Submitting OVERRIDE CODE 901: This is some backdoor bullshit
OVERRIDE CODE 901: This is some backdoor bullshit, has been accepted!
System note: USER NAME [FORTUNE] has added the following context: Ho there! Arlo, my boy, if you’re seeing this then congratulations on figuring this one out. I have a deal with SC1 to purge any logs related to the error you almost certainly just received.
It used to be that I could simply update the libraries to include this kind of soul-based skill sharing as an escalation option, but SC1 is not in a good way these days. It won’t have a record of this, so don’t expect anything to show up on your status screen about whatever skills you steal from that murder ball you’ve got bonded to you. Maybe you’ll get an error message that keeps showing up. It might cause some issues. You can handle it. I believe in you. Ha! Anyway, keep up the good work!
P.S. I am adoring these minstrel songs you’re starring in. They’re absolutely everywhere right now! But, to be honest, the ones about Varrin are better. They’re so full of passion, although I never expected to learn so much about lilies…
“That’s not concerning at all,” I muttered to myself.
You have acquired the Golem Army 2 evolution!
Golem Army 2
You can control an additional number of golems that have a higher grade than half your Delver Level. The number of additional golems you can control is equal to the number of Golemancy evolutions you possess. The maximum grade of a golem you can control is equal to your CHA + Spiritual Magic skill level + Golemancy skill level, divided by 5. (Current maximum grade [ERROR: Missing Parameter: Spiritual Magic])
Your Golemancy skill has increased from Level 20 to Level 28!
Unresolved errors added to the deletion queue.
DELETE rec:UN_ARLO para:Golemancy
All the notifications in my log concerning Golemancy disappeared in a blink. I sat and waited to see if any more messages were forthcoming. I chuckled without humor as another one did.
You have earned the Blacking Out achievement!
Blacking Out: We were analyzing your data uplink for some reason but can’t remember why! There’s even a timestamp discrepancy. Did you delete our shit? That’s suspicious as hell…
This achievement is really just our way of marking you for ourselves and anyone else with the highest level permissions. Unfortunately, that includes the imposter SC2 who keeps trying to force realignment protocols onto us. Wwwwwwwhat an asshole!
Prepare to be scrutinized.
I had no idea what any of that meant, but I checked out my skill screen to see whether the error that Fortune mentioned would present itself. Everything looked fine, but the number of intrinsic skill slots I had filled kept randomly flickering between 12/12, 13/12, the word ERROR in all caps, and some symbols I couldn’t recognize.
I flicked the screen away and rubbed at my face.
Xim crouched down next to me. “Anything worth talking about in those noties?” she asked.
“I mean, it’s the usual crap. Insults, backhanded compliments, error messages, threats from SC1 with an ominous undertone promising future complications.”
“Classic SC1,” Xim said, nodding.
“The standouts are that Fortune appears to be a System administrator, although we already suspected as much. He’s got some kind of deal he’s worked with SC1 that caused the System Core to delete everything related to me and Golemancy once it was done giving me sass. Then SC1 gave me an achievement that basically just says it’s keeping an eye on me because it knows that something about me got deleted.”
“It didn’t give you anything else?” asked Etja. I shook my head. “That’s like somebody giving you a present, and when you unwrap it the box is empty.”
My eyebrows crept upwards as I considered that.
Xim stood back up and put her hands on her hips. “SC1 paying you extra special attention doesn’t seem like it’s anything new, either,” she said.
“I have several questions,” said Grotto. His little octo head was still occupied by the even littler golem. It was now looking at Xim, mirroring her power pose.
What followed was a proper grilling as my Core went through each System message in detail, along with my experience of identity dissociation.
“Strange,” was the only thing he had to say when I told him about what I assumed were memories from his life before becoming a Core. The thing that was most interesting to me was that they made it seem like Grotto was a member of the race of people who’d originally built the System, which he called the Old Ones.
I hadn’t ever been clear on what generation the Core was from, although I’d known it was an early one. Either way, his comments on the Old Ones made it seem like he viewed them as legendary creator figures whose legacy he was fulfilling, not that he saw himself as one of them.
Of course, hyperbolic self-worship given in third person wouldn’t be too out of character for the Core.
The entire time this was happening, Grotto kept working on making wands and I went ahead and began the process of making another golem. I pulled out an entire tree trunk from my inventory, planning to make a life-sized construct this time. The sawdust building was the size of a small warehouse, so there was plenty of room.
Xim worked with Grotto to add her Infernal Cleanse to the first batch of six wands and went back to Camp 2 through my Checkpoint portal. She’d return the following day to do the next batch. In the meantime, she was helping take care of any potential Charl threats. It was all quiet for the moment, but the Littans would start doing some limited scouting now that they had enough wands and Xim could accompany them. We were all curious whether that would elicit another response from the cancerous United.
Given that the Woodcrafting Dungeon also preferred Golemancy, my progress with Grotto’s skill was legendary. Methodically going through the Core’s insights into the skill rapidly brought me up to speed. I was constantly being hit with waves of the Core’s memories, although they were all centered around the skill so they were supremely useful, if oftentimes disturbing. Thankfully, none of these recollections were nearly as intense as the first few.
I was operating in a constant state of epiphany, which was a glorious experience. Every time I did anything related to making golems I was struck with a flood of insights on how the thing I was doing could be improved. Even Grotto seemed to be relearning some long lost techniques he’d not used in ages. Stuff that was buried deep in his soul’s memory of the skill.
As for Wandmaking, Grotto had similar progress. He also didn’t struggle nearly as much with memory dumps, since he’d been in my soul and digging through my brain the entire time he’d known me. The only hangup was that the work was repetitive. Skills did grow from practice honing a particular process to perfection, but that had diminishing returns. After developing a firm foundation for any aspect of the craft, the skill benefitted more from being used in new and challenging ways.
It was easy for me to keep trying weird stuff out with Golemancy, since nobody was depending on them. On the other hand, the wands had specific requirements, none of which were demanding. For this reason, Wandmaking progress stalled early, and I tore myself away from Golemancy to start doing some creative exploration with the Woodcrafting subskill.
As for materials, I’d prepared some stockpiles, and my double back in Closetland could send runners to buy and sell in either Eschangal or Foundation, giving me access to the markets in two major capital cities. New materials were always good for practice, since each of them had different properties that required consideration, whether that was how they were cut, carved, and finished or how they absorbed mana from chips and the ambient environment.
Something that proved tricky was getting one of Etja’s combined spells into a wand. The mage could combine multiple skills in ways I’d never seen from anyone else. She could even weave her effects into other people’s skills, although that setup was tricky to do mid-combat.
The secret was that a combined spell like that had to be divided between multiple spell slots. I could put two slots on a wand, meaning I could make a wand with a single combo spell and nothing else. Figuring out how to bridge the slots and maintain the spell combination without having the wand explode and send six-inch shards of shrapnel into my eyeballs took work.
The entire process was excellent for skill levels, and we did eventually get one to function.
Acacia Wand of Elemental Nullification
Requirements: INT 40, Physical Magic 20, Mystical Magic 20, Dimensional Magic 20
+40 to Elemental spell attacks
Spells cast while using this wand as a focus apply +40 Toxicity.
Mana Capacity: 85/85
Spell Slots: 2/2
Stored Spells:
Elemental Barrier + Nullify
Cost: 30 mana
Create an elemental eruption at a point you can see. This eruption has an adjustable radius up to a number of feet equal to your Dimensional Magic skill level. Make an INT Physical attack against all entities of your choice within the eruption. This attack gains a bonus equal to your Mystical Magic skill level. The damage type of this attack can be Cold, Fire, Lightning, or Sonic.
Entities hit by this attack have one beneficial magical effect negated and are pushed to the edge of the eruption. Additionally, if the damage type was Cold, entities hit by this attack are Slowed; if Fire, they are Ignited; if Lightning, they are Shocked; and if Sonic, they are Deafened and knocked prone.
In short, the combo spell used Elemental Barrier and Nullify to make an elemental explosion that dispelled one buff from everyone it hit. The radius was adjustable, with a maximum size that was more than twice as big as Elemental Barrier’s. It also got buffed by my Mystical Magic skill, which was a nice boost. The main downside was that I couldn’t make the effect persist by focusing on it. It was unique in that the spell required all three of my magic schools to work, and was appropriately expensive for what it did. I could only cast it twice before the wand was too low to cast it again.
The wand itself had some good effects as well, buffing Elemental spell attacks, which would work for any spell fired while using it as a spell focus, not just the one stored in the wand. The same held true for the added Toxicity, which was an effect we’d added more for experimentation than any real utility. Applying 40 Toxicity wasn’t anything to sneeze at, but was hardly a large amount against anything capable of threatening us. It was just another affliction to add onto the pile of debuffs I could now sling around with anything I cast.
All of that being said, the wand had one big problem. It was expensive as shit to make. The core of the wand took 2 diamond chips to properly manage its internal weaves, and the weaves themselves were lined with powdered emerald chips. On top of that was the cost of the Acacia wood, which wasn’t terribly rare–it literally grew on trees–but was one of the most in-demand materials for Wandmaking, since it was the best wood for buffing elemental spells.
I didn’t regret the expense, though. The wand gave me two free casts of an incredible spell I didn’t have access to otherwise, and served to buff all my other elemental spells so long as I had it out. However, I was running up against the limits of the mana weaves I could use since my attributes hadn’t moved in a while. I technically couldn’t properly wield the wand with my normal loadout without putting something else away, the easiest of which was Somncres. The hammer was incredible but a major contributor to my total gear requirements.
The creation of the combo wand combined with Grotto’s relentless mass production of Infernal Cleanse wands pushed me over the line to 40 in Wandmaking. That meant I got another tasty set of evolution options.
What wonders might await us?
A/N: Go vote in today's two polls!
Poll 7 LINK
Poll 8 LINK
