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MT 344 - Define Cannibalism
🕑 Added 2026-02-02 10:25:17 +0000 UTC“If the System is going to make everything this cheap,” Grotto grumbled, “then why doesn’t it just add us as co-arbiters and give it to us for free?” My familiar did a spin to vent his frustrations, his armored feelers whooshing through the air with some real force behind them. Kai and I both leaned back to avoid becoming collateral damage.
“The Labyrinth is at capacity,” Grotto said once he’d had his moment. “All eight party slots are filled. Fortune’s Folly, Two of Crowns, and Team Pio are explicitly listed. Otherwise, there is Imperial Team 1 and Imperial Team 2, presumably because they are composed of Littans who do not normally party together.”
“And the other three?” I asked.
“One is called Floral Fauna, the second is Lackeys, and the third is Surprise.”
“Surprise Party?” I said. “Really?”
Varrin grunted. “Who would voluntarily name themselves Lackeys?”
“Is the first group made up of carnivorous plants?” asked Guar.
“Botanical carnivores seem more likely,” I said, “because of the word order.”
“I believe we should seek out an obelisk,” said Kai. “We can use it as a rallying point. The others will likely flow in that direction.”
“Sounds good to me,” I said. “Are we ready to move, or is there anything else we need to discuss?”
“What is the trick to the Blunt Dungeon?” asked Varrin.
“It’s easier to explain once you see it.”
“Then I vote we proceed.”
“Agreed,” said Kai, with Guar nodding his acceptance.
Grotto was still angrily staring at System screens, so I took one of his feelers in hand and dragged him along behind us like a fluffy octopus balloon. The five of us returned to the circular platform and stepped up onto it. Once we were all aboard, Major Kai accepted the travel prompt, and a spatial bubble appeared over top of the platform.
The universe outside of it flexed. I sensed a compression similar to what happened to the sky, albeit significantly weaker. On the southeastern side of the platform I felt the compressed space being squished and shunted away, like an enormous finger and thumb were pinching it from either side. The pressure built until it created a hole that opened up to become a short tunnel. The process had created a passageway of normal space through a corridor of compressed space.
“Itty-bitty wormhole,” I said under my breath.
We all exchanged some skeptical glances, but I led the way through the hole with Grotto on my shoulders. I felt myself careening across hundreds of miles in only a few steps, until my boot landed on a field of gravel within the Blunt Weapons Dungeon.
Kai, Guar, and Varrin followed soon after, and as we looked around I realized that seeing the Blunt Dungeon wasn’t going to help Varrin understand it at all.
The entire place had been obliterated.
Trees had been reduced to splinters as far as the eye could see. What had once been massive stone structures were shattered into a sea of broken rock ranging in size from the pebbles beneath my heel to small boulders no larger than a person. The ground had been churned up to mix mud and dirt with all the rest. The annihilation was so thorough that the entire zone looked like it had been tossed into a city-sized blender and ground down into an even consistency.
Without the trees the sky was on full display, the black clouds overhead flooding across the sky so fast it was like I was flying over a dark sea. The light here was dim, with flashes of lightning that were unnaturally bright, the bolts a random assortment of blue, white, and gold that burned afterimages into my eyes.
A hundred feet ahead of us were two men, one sitting cross-legged on the debris while the other stood. The former had rough, shark-like skin and a soul like a lattice, while the latter was a man deformed and twisted, body bloated with growths while simultaneously emaciated everywhere else. He had some loose cloth draped across his back and waist, looking like someone had thrown a few thin rugs across him when nothing else would fit his misshapen frame. He smiled at us in snide satisfaction, mouth opening with the threat of jumping into a speech.
“Guys, look!” I said, pointing excitedly. “It’s Charl the immortal cancer man! Hey, Charl!” I gave him a friendly wave, and his smirk quickly faded to annoyance.
“Vainglorious,” said Charl. “You should rejoice, for your path will be tested this day. Your merit shall be weighed by–”
“Guar,” I said. “Your Infernal Cleanse wand works on people who are infected with Charl, but does it work when Charl is infected with himself?”
“Oh, we can find out,” said Guar, pulling out the wand we’d made for him. He stopped and glanced at Major Kai for permission, and the dour man nodded his approval. Charl frowned as the wand was pointed his way.
“Do not be foolish, I am here to bring his Word unto you,” said Charl. “To deliver a message of great importan-syyyaaAAHHH!!”
Guar had fired off the wand without hesitation, painting Charl with a flash of ruby light which immediately caused him to erupt into crimson flame. The cancer man screamed and spun, then hit the ground and rolled twice. His voice became a wheeze that petered out into silence as his body went still. Soon after, he’d been reduced to ash in his entirety.
Guar held up the wand to give it an appreciative look, then turned to me. “I think that’s a yes,” he said.
As Charl’s ashes scattered in the wind, the second man stood. He walked forward, barefoot, through the dust that was his ally, giving it no regard whatsoever. As he came within twenty feet of us he stopped and ran his gaze over our group.
He was large and well-built without quite making it into Varrin territory for size. His bald head was topped with a set of thick, boney ridges, and an odd seam ran down his front from his chin to his navel. His coarse grey skin was marked with some kind of ritual paint, white in color and giving him an ashy look. He was nude but for a layered, kilt-like garment, similar to an Egyptian shendyt.
While Charl’s original race was unclear, this man was unmistakably Davahn. He’d gone through some modifications–that seam in the front was a standout–but the harsh skin and reinforced skull were giveaways. The man’s hands were thick, with bone-armored joints and short talons protruding from his knuckles. The fingers could probably manipulate tools but looked better made for prying prey apart.
The man spoke Imperial with a heavy accent. “I was told, wait until Charl has given speech,” he said. “Charl dead, so speech is done.”
The lattice of the man’s soul relaxed, and the pieces tumbled down to orbit him. The last time I’d seen anything similar was with Brae’ach. While the Davahn known as the Unifier had seemed to possess thousands of souls within his own, this man might have had a few dozen. While it was significantly fewer, the manner in which the Davahns gained that power still made this man a walking morgue.
“Now,” the man continued, “is time for eating.”
“Yeah?” I said. “What’re we having?”
The man slapped his rock-hard tummy with both hands. “You.”
“Wait, wait, wait,” I said in a rush as the man subtly adjusted his posture. “Did you just threaten me with cannibalism?”
He took a moment to evaluate me, his body loose, knees slightly bent. “Is not cannibalism,” he said. “You are not Davahn.”
I scoffed. “You know, this place was the best game of whack-a-mole I’d ever encountered. Not only did you ruin it, but now you’re trying to redefine cannibalism. Is nothing sacred?”
“What is whack-a-mole?” asked Guar.
“Little animals pop out of holes and you hit ‘em with a big bouncy hammer. It’s a game, you play it at arcades and carnivals. You’re trying to hit as many cute critters as you can within a certain timeframe.”
Varrin adjusted his grip on Kazandak’s hilt, still in its scabbard. “Is that what this Dungeon was? A game of this whack-a-mole?”
“No,” said the Davahn. “There were no bouncy hammers.”
“You’re right,” I said. “It was more of a mallet. Really, it was closer to High Striker.”
“Another game?” asked Guar.
“Yeah, you hit a target until it rings a bell somewhere else.”
“I guess I missed that part,” said Guar. “I was in here three times, too.”
“There are no bells,” said the Davahn.
“I mean, yeah, you wrecked the place.”
“No bells. Not ever.”
“You’re saying the Dungeon was a series of festival games?” asked Varrin.
“This is untrue,” said the Davahn.
“Yeah, that was all a lie,” I said. “The entire place was actually about relentlessly telling someone else your opinions with no consideration for that person’s emotional wellbeing.”
“I didn’t realize the Blunt skill was so expansive,” Varrin replied.
“I kill you now,” said the Davahn.
“Not until we agree on what cannibalism is,” I said, shaking a finger at him. “Don’t think that I forgot you’re trying to dodge that one.” The magic on my Ass-Dope Shades was doing work helping me to distract this guy. “Listen, cannibalism is eating a member of the same species as yourself, and a species is roughly defined as a group of organisms where the individuals are generally capable of interbreeding.” I pulled out Umi-Doo’s book, Can I Have Sex With That?, and held it up. “I’ve done my homework, mister, and I could definitely impregnate a Davahn lady.”
“If you could find one,” said Guar. “I think they ate the women first.”
“Well, the Davahns all ‘unite’ with what they eat, so most of them are probably hermaphroditic by this point.” I tossed the book back into my inventory. “I mean, I bet I could impregnate this dude. It might take a little warming up to get into the mood, though. Whaddya say, guy? How ‘bout instead of eating all of me, you settle for eating my a–”
I didn’t see the hit that sent me time travelling. I only realized something had happened because I was suddenly buried in a pile of mulch.
Critical damage reduced by Body of Theseus!
You have been Stunned!
Shielding: 3,000 -> 2,469
It seemed that I’d achieved my goal of annoying this guy into smacking me first instead of my allies, but the fact that I hadn’t been able to block was a point of concern. My Aegis of the Master evolution would protect me from debuffs like that stun effect, but only so long as I had Shielding and blocked the attack.
The pile I was in exploded, and I blacked out for another second. When I came to, the Davahn had me by the neck and was holding me aloft, glaring at me. I realized that he was trying to claw open my armor and abdomen with his other hand, but my Shielding was stopping him.
Critical damage reduced by Body of Theseus!
You have been Stunned!
Shielding: 2,469 -> 1,407
A buff flickered on and off in my HUD and a force pulled me safely from the Davahn’s grasp. Guar appeared between us. The Littan swung his hammer, wreathed in golden light. A second copy of the hammer screamed towards the Davahn from his opposite side, and both connected despite the enemy’s speed. He didn’t even look like he’d tried to avoid it. Instead, the Davahn’s arm flashed out and cracked into Guar’s helm nearly too fast to see. Guar was able to shrug that off but a second hit had the man stumbling back, his hammer going slack in his hand.
The world roared as Varrin arrived with a vortex of wind at his back. Kazandak landed true on the Davahn’s back, but the United flowed from his second hit on Guar’s head to lean forward into a rear kick, driving his heel into Varrin’s gut as the big guy’s blade landed. Kazandak cut, but didn’t draw blood. Varrin was forced back a few feet, but his heels dug into the ground and arrested his movement.
As the Davahn drove his heel into Varrin, Kai appeared beside him, the officer’s massive greatsword flashing downward. The blade was wide enough to be sized for an MMO character and dense enough to weigh more than I could lift. Again, the Davahn didn’t dodge or block, but rather was already shifting his body as he struck Varrin to minimize the hit. The blade sparked against the man’s rough, sandpaper skin. A cloud of noxious gas erupted from Kai’s blade at the point of impact.
The Davahn’s maneuver placed him in position to strike back at Kai, the United dropping low and leaning in to deliver a vicious uppercut. Kai’s head cracked back and the man went flying, senseless.
While those four raged, I’d traded my hammer for my new staff and sent Gracorvus into hover mode. I activated Aura of Persistence with a thought, dropping more than 200 Shielding onto myself and all friendlies. Life Warded ticked on for everyone as well, letting me start soaking some of the damage they were taking. My Clockwork Lifewarden staff rang like a dolorous bell as I used it to cast Explosion! over the Davahn’s head, trying to drive him into the ground to make space for my allies to pummel him. I shaped the spell so that the shockwave bent around friendlies, the full force of the attack thumping its way through the United’s body.
The attack should have Deafened and Stunned the Davahn even as it knocked him to the ground, and the dust and debris from the detonation sparkled with an icy haze from my addition of Slowed using Razzle Dazzle. Still, the Davahn looked unaffected, but my Soul-Sight and manasight worked in conjunction to tell another story. The man’s soul rearranged itself like a rubik's cube, compensating for the forces working against him and cleansing him of the debuffs. It only worked so fast, however, and between my stampede of control effects and the toxic haze left behind by Kai’s attack, the Davahn was at his limit.
“Despair,” Grotto chanted, his armored tentacles scraping across my pauldrons as he peered into the Davahn’s eyes. The United’s face went blank for a precious instant, but Guar was reeling from having his helm played like a gong and Kai had only just begun to sail away from the United’s last hit. Only Varrin could capitalize on the momentary daze Grotto’s spell had evoked, but the big guy lived in those little moments.
Varrin had deepened the pool of Rage he could draw on before going berserk, and his soul began to churn as he used Enrage. He became a ghost, flowing through the Davahn like a violet mirror of the lightning above. He left a soul clone in his wake, and the two of them brought blades down on the Davahn, twisting their hips into a crossbody slash from both sides.
Varrin’s blades were sharp beyond what could be expressed through ordinary physics, but the Davahn’s body still halted their edges once they struck bone. The force of the attack was followed by a massive burst of Spiritual energy that dragged the Davahn behind the attacks, their force doubled with how Varrin had aligned himself and his clone as they struck. The United spun and crashed into the mulched wood and crushed rock, creating a fountain of dirt and debris as the combined blow slammed him down.
Even then, the United did not bleed. This wasn’t a matter of overcoming his resilience, the man didn’t appear to have blood at all.
Guar caught himself from his stumble and shook off the stun. Kai rotated and landed on his sword, which had lost all velocity to become stuck in space. Varrin cleanly followed through with his hit and moved into his next form, ready to strike again without pause. My staff hummed as another cast of Explosion! began to run through it.
We were all seized by a crushing force.
Comments
Throh_goblin Lord
This United is a juggernaut goddamn
