Wales
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Weekly Writing Update & Wales Storytime
🕑 Added 2023-07-17 13:40:54 +0000 UTCI got three patreon drabbles done this past week. The Bunny Story and Tsuyu should be finished by this week. Of course other things as well will be finished up but those are the ones people are currently aware of.
So what's 'story time'? I feel discussing this openly is good since it helps me process some stuff and gives you a glimpse of the writer at the Red Dragon keyboard.
Those three NONE days this past week, effectively Thursday to Saturday, my father was visiting from out of town. A man who I haven't seen since 2016 and speak to rarely and for good reason. He left me and my mom when I was four, claiming 'not ready to be a father' with a friend of his harping on that the marriage and kid wasn't 'what he wanted'. Surprise, he marries said friend later on and has two kids with them.
For the longest time, any instance that he and I were to do things they didn't pan out. A lot of broken promises or his second wife complaining about 'spending time with me' rather than her or his second set of kids. More and more, I felt to be an after thought in his world. Forgotten birthdays, missed calls, even when I moved from New York to Georgia with my mom, this kept up. At one point, he said something to the effect of 'I used the mistakes with you and your mom to understand how to be a better father'. I even told myself for the longest time that it was okay.
It left a lot of damage I only figured out in later parts of my life. The need to gain people's approval...the worry that people would leave me...the fear I'm never good enough...all of this was a combination of abandonment issues that have lingered with me to this day. (Along with some PTSD from a different family member...that's another story for another day).
There were even times he'd call me just to chat but then it'd be him rambling about things he did with his second family. One time I tried to explain that him telling me how his second son was learning guitar and going to concerts together was hurtful. He missed the point so badly that I just bottled it up and never said a word, slowly removing him more from my headspace.
So when he announces a visit like this, my mom is like ??? "is he dying?" Funny enough, Darkfireballz and I are tight and he knows all this. His response was the exact same as my mom. I wasn't clicking my heels and thinking it'll make up for years of neglect and abandonment and such but I was willing to entertain the visit.
Did everything go well? Yeah, well enough. I'm not like "woohoo it'll be fine and it'll be a happy family!' since that ship sailed way back in the 90s. It was an okay enough trip. One that I won't harp on any more but I wanted to get it out there that yeah, my father exists but there's nothing more that I feel towards him. I appreciate him wanting to be better and I'm willing to do so but like...how do I feel for a man who's been 90% absent from 33 years of my life?
Comments
Vastebottom
I appreciate your openness about this. I've admittedly been struggling myself since my Dad passed away a lil' more than 2 weeks ago, even though the circumstances have been rough I realize I am still lucky to have had him around for as long as I have. I'm sorry your father couldn't be the same, as far as I'm concerned you've done well without him and grown up to be a stand-up lad. I hope this hasn't all been too rough on ya, I'm always happy to talk about stuff if you need to.
Wales
It's fine. I felt like putting it out there is all. You know?
Dragonage2ftw
Wow, sorry about your dad man.
