thundamoo
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16. Anybody Home
🕑 Added 2024-09-07 23:11:45 +0000 UTCA/N: Sorry for the delay on this one, had a bit of a busy few days. Uhhh, content warning for PTSD and dissociation! Enjoy!
"Veritas! Up front!"
"Urraaagh!"
Veritas charges forward, slamming her shield into the jaw of the monster bearing down on Aurora. I fire off a shot to her right, finishing the beast she had been engaging previously before it can collect its bearings. Aurora herself is a flurry of movement, simultaneously attacking monsters at close and long range, her orbs slamming into beasts the moment they try to emerge from the black mist.
The Dark World monsters are terrifying, as they always have been, their twisted bodies and crystalline growths turning what could otherwise pass as animals into unmistakable forces of malice. They pour towards us out of the breach, single-mindedly throwing themselves at us with an obsessive need that is equal parts disturbing and convenient. Monsters would be much, much harder to deal with if they didn't zero in on magical girls the moment they spot us; if they simply spread out into the liminal space, fleeing into the endless alleyways of Earth's dark reflection, it would be nearly impossible for us to take them down before they make it to Earth and start killing civilians. But while this is objectively a stroke of good luck, there's still something almost personal about the complete lack of strategy or self-preservation displayed by the monsters during these attacks. It frightens and disturbs me in a way I can't quite describe, but of course I simply take that fear and fire it right back at them.
"Fᴜʟᴍɪɴᴀɴᴛ Tʜᴜɴᴅᴇʀ!"
A crack of power erupts from my gunstaff and pops three wolfish beasts like grapes in the microwave. The sheer variety of monsters on display is always a surprise, but my team is slaughtering them nonetheless. I can't help but be proud as I watch them fight, the training we've been doing having clearly been taken to heart. As our ground fighters, Veritas and Aurora move as a single unit, protecting each other with weapon and spell against the oncoming tide. I hardly ever need to give them direct tactical orders, but when I do, even Veritas snaps to them without question, trusting me to see things from above better than they see things on the ground. It has taken months, but I finally feel like I have a team.
It's terrifying.
"Fᴜʟᴍɪɴᴀɴᴛ Tʜᴜɴᴅᴇʀ!"
A huge beast makes the mistake of stepping out of the mist and eating my spell head-on, crushing a couple of slower monsters as its corpse falls. Veritas and Aurora still lag far behind me in terms of magical capacity—it's just something they'll get with time and experience—so I have to be on point with my spell usage, taking out the threats that need more than just a lance through the chest to safely dispatch. Against a swarm like this, offense is fundamentally better than defense, and luckily that happens to be my specialty.
It's funny. I—which is to say, my Minerva form—have an extremely similar fighting style to Castalia, focusing on long-range aerial bombardment over the close-range speed-fighting I prefer when I'm Fulgora. I've always really admired Castalia, so I guess if I'm going to have a weird second magical girl form, I'm glad it's similar to someone I respect.
Not sure why I look like a small child, though.
I've gotten used to it, at least. I don't really like the image of leading such small children into battle as an adult anyway, and I think I'd have a very different relationship with my team if they saw me as the grumpy, jaded Fulgora with almost as much experience as they have lifespan. I'm still their leader, and I still have a position of authority over them, but it's not quite as… detached. They might be kids, but they're still my peers, my fellow warriors, and they have earned all the respect due to someone who has made the decision to fight for humankind. I don't want to loom over them. They deserve to meet me eye-to-eye.
I'm just not sure about the other way around.
My team starts approaching the limits of their stamina, but thankfully the horde seems to be approaching the limits of its ability to vomit more bodies at us. I pick up more of the slack, eating into my cyclical engine of fear to fire off more and more spells so Veritas and Aurora never have to risk complete burnout. We cut it close, but soon enough the attack sputters to a halt, the last few monsters popping out one at a time and getting immediately cut down. It's been a long battle, but we did it. The swarm is over. I land next to my panting teammates, a smile on my face despite the sweat pouring from my body.
"Incredible job, everyone," I praise them. "I think that's the last of them."
"Heck… yes…" Veritas breathes. "We kicked… their butts."
"Yeah we did," Aurora smiles, holding up a hand to high-five. Veritas completes it, and then I do too.
"Okay! We'll wait another five minutes to rest and make sure and then I'll contact Uma," I declare. The others nod, Veritas closing her eyes and taking deep breaths to focus her emotions. We'll have to work on getting her in the habit of doing that with her eyes open, but I don't want to scold her after such a good fight. That's something for our training sessions, not right here.
Once we're finished resting and no more monsters have emerged from the mist, I silently cast the spell to give Uma'tama a path through the liminal space. They appear next to me moments later, wings fluttering slightly as they hover in the air, looking around to get their bearings.
"Any problems?" Uma'tama asks.
"None at all," I report. "It was a long swarm, but we handled it."
"We're glad to hear it," they nod. "We always get worried when you're out for this long. A swarm of this size means this was likely a very dangerous fragment. We'd love to have you investigate, but sealing the breach seems more prudent."
I stand up straighter.
"I think we can handle it," I say. "What do you think, team?"
"Bring it on," Veritas grins. Aurora nods, determination on her face.
Uma'tama visibly hesitates, looking us all over.
"…No," they ultimately decide. "We believe that you are ready for Dark World missions, but we will have your team's first excursion be something smaller than this, when you are at your best. Though they haven't shown themselves, we believe your corrupted sisters may still be in the area. Better to seal off this rift and prevent all of us from accessing the contents than to risk letting it fall into their hands."
I can't help but bristle at that.
"We can take them," I insist. "It's what we trained for."
"We have faith you can," Uma'tama assures me. "But when that confrontation does take place, I wish for you to be at your best, well rested, and on Earth. Let us not allow our enemies any unnecessary advantages. No matter how capable you are, the battle will still be hard-fought."
None of us can argue with that, so we nod and allow Uma'tama to do whatever it is they do to close the entryway to the Dark World. It's only a temporary measure; sometime, somewhere, this fragment of the Dark World will find its hunger pulling it back to Earth, and at that time who knows how many new monsters could be ready to burst forth from within. But for the near future, our planet should be safe. What more can we ask for?
Uma'tama's four paws move in a complicated motion, and the black mists of the Dark World flow towards them, condensing into a ball that grows blacker and blacker until it seems to warp the very light around it into darkness. When the gate of mist has been fully absorbed into the sphere, it shudders, pulses, and vanishes, the liminal space twisting and shrinking around us until we are once more suddenly standing on Earth. To my surprise, the sun is standing high in the sky, and I'm forced to squint as the sudden change in brightness nearly blinds me.
"Actually, Uma, what time is it?" I ask.
"Locally?" they ask, and I'm not entirely sure I want to know what answer they would give if I said no. "We believe it is eleven forty-three."
"Shoot," I say. "I'm going to be late. Do you mind if we do the full debrief another time, Uma?"
Their little feline mouth settles into the closest thing it can do to a smile.
"Not at all, Minerva. I hope you have a good time with your friend."
I give them a thankful smile and a nod and fly off towards the center of town. I don't want to land and change back too close to where I'm going, but I also don't want to do it too far away and have to walk halfway across town. I really should learn to drive at some point. My brother even gave me his old car, but I've just… never had the time to get my license.
I drop down in the middle of a complicated series of alleyways, trying to ignore how little it would actually prevent anyone filming me from figuring out my real identity. There are quite a few exits from this place, but not many people actually using them. There are probably half a dozen different forums online where people have already figured out all of my identities, but I just push the thoughts from my head and walk towards the restaurant where I've promised to meet Chloe. Now that I'm in my human form again, I pull out my cellphone and send her a quick apology text. She assures me it is okay with no fewer than four smiling emoji, and I have to admit that somehow it does make me smile.
The place we've agreed to meet is just some local mom-and-pop diner, and I find Chloe already sitting down with a laptop and two menus in front of her, poking away at some Word document. I slide into the booth across from her with an awkward hello, and she immediately closes the laptop and gives me a big smile.
"Eliza! Hey! I'm glad you could make it," she says.
For a split second, I almost instinctively correct her. For a moment, I almost say 'it's Minerva, actually.' I catch myself, though, closing my mouth before any words can come out. I guess I'm still in work mode?
"Um, yeah," I manage to sputter. "I'm glad I could too."
She chuckles, passing me one of the menus.
"Hungry?" she asks.
I'm pretty sure I didn't eat breakfast this morning. I don't really feel hungry, but I should eat.
"Yeah," I say.
"Great!" she says. "My treat."
"No, you don't have to—"
"My. Treat."
I shut my mouth, embarrassment touching my cheeks. I don't know why I protested. Both of us know I'm broke.
"…Thank you," I mumble. I should at least remember my manners. "So, um, what were you doing on your computer?"
"Oh, just figuring out college class schedule stuff. Do you know what courses you're going to be taking yet?"
I blink. Right. When summer's over, I'm going to college. I completely forgot about that. I honestly feel really bad about it. My brother is insisting on paying for it, but I'm barely even going to be there, aren't I? It just feels weird.
"…You're still mid-adrenaline-crash, aren't you?" Chloe asks, snapping my attention back to her. "Did things go okay at your, uh, unpaid internship?"
I let out a small laugh. Unpaid internship? I don't know why we do this at this point. Chloe and I have been hanging out all summer, and she never seems to complain even when I constantly have to leave early, show up late, or entirely cancel any plans we make. She knows, and I know she knows, and she knows I know she knows, but I just can't get myself to say anything. Why? We can just drop the pretenses. I trust her with that.
No.
Why not?
It's not about trust. Of course I trust her. But she's already going so far out of her way to do things for me just because of what I am.
I don't think she's going to treat me any differently just because I give her permission to use the words we both know she means.
It's different.
How is it different?
At least like this, she acts like she's not just doing it because I'm a magical girl. I don't want to hear her praise me for that. I don't want to hear her say it's why she's helping me.
It's not the only reason. She's proven time and time again that she cares about me. She's not helping me because of what I am, she's helping me because that's who she is. She has more than earned the truth for that.
No. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve her.
"Eliza?"
Don't deserve her? That's all the more reason I should do better by her!
Getting closer to her is not doing better by her! Honestly, where the fuck do I get off acting this way? What have I done that's worth getting so self-satisfied over? I can't believe I'm acting like such a good and responsible leader. Am I stupid? Did I forget?
I did not forget.
And yet here I am leading two kids and acting like a team leader when I got my last team killed.
I'll do better this time.
"Eliza? Hello? Anybody home?"
I can't even beat an insane squirrel. There's no way in hell I can keep my team alive. It's just going to happen again.
It's not. And what does that have to do with Chloe anyway? Why can't I tell her? These thoughts are irrational. I don't need to be this angry at myself when I'm not fighting.
I can't fucking believe I would ever think that. Of course I should be angry at myself.
I'm going to tell her.
No.
I'm going to tell her!
No you are not!
"I'm a magical girl," I blurt.
FUCK!
Chloe's mouth hangs open, her body twitching a little as she aborts whatever words were about to come out of her mouth.
"Oh, uh, okay, we're doing this now," she stammers. "Wow, yeah, I didn't know that, I'm very surprised. Look how, uh, surprised I am."
"Um. Yeah," I manage. An awkward silence passes between us.
"So, uh, which one are you?" she asks, taking a sip of ice water.
"Brave Princess Dutiful Minerva," I answer.
She begins to choke on her ice water.
"W-wait, hold on," she coughs. "Are you serious? Sorry, I just…"
"…I'm Fulgora too," I admit like a complete and utter fool. "But when I lead the team, I uh… yeah. I'm two magical girls, somehow."
"Okay," Chloe nods slowly, her eyes wide. "Okay. So I wasn't totally wrong. Wow. I didn't know you could be two magical girls."
"I didn't either until it started happening," I shrug.
A waiter walks over and interrupts us, bringing me a glass of water and asking if we've decided what we want to order. I realize I haven't looked at the menu at all, so I panic and point at something relatively cheap. Chloe frowns a little and adds an appetizer to our order afterwards.
"Okay," Chloe centers herself again after the waiter leaves. "So. We've got this out in the open now. Neat, uh, so what are the ground rules about this?"
"The what?" I ask.
"You know, like, I assume you don't want me to tell anyone else," she says. "But is there anything else I should know about having this information that isn't immediately obvious? Are supervillains going to start kidnapping me or something?"
I open my mouth to say no and then reconsider.
"…Maybe," I admit. "But I don't think she's going to hurt you if she does. She just wants my attention. Though if I'm lucky, she's gone for good. I haven't seen her in like two months."
"Oh," Chloe says. "I mean, I was joking, but good to know."
"I don't think she knows you exist," I assure her. "It'll probably be fine, but if a giant blue and yellow squirrel ever attacks you, please call me."
"I… guess I will!" Chloe blinks. "I suppose I wouldn't know what else to do in that circumstance!"
"Yeah, I suppose I have an abnormal amount of life experience in that area," I manage.
Chloe brightens up.
"A joke! You told a joke. That's good. You doing a little better?"
"Uh, was I doing bad before?"
"Well, you kind of blanked out and stopped reacting to anything I was saying for a bit there," Chloe admits. "I was a bit worried you were having a flashback or something."
"Oh," I say. "No, I don't get those too often."
Chloe opens her mouth, then shuts it, then opens her mouth again, and shuts it.
"…I see," she settles on. "Well, what were you doing then?"
"Arguing with myself about whether or not to tell you, I guess," I answer. "I know you've known for a long time now, and I figure it must be annoying using euphemisms all the time."
"Not really," she says. "Euphemisms are fun! And I didn't know if there was like some rule against telling civilians, so I didn't want to get you in trouble. Uh. Is there a rule against telling civilians? Are you gonna be in trouble?"
"No, nothing like that," I answer. "I just… I don't know. It sounds conceited to say out loud, but I want to avoid the hero worship I guess? I'm not an Earth Guardian for… that."
I can't stand people looking up to me.
"Yeah, that makes sense," Chloe nods. "Nobody likes the paparazzi, but for a lot of famous people it goes beyond that. A pedestal is not a very comfortable place to sit."
"…I wouldn't describe myself as a celebrity," I squirm.
"I mean, not in the traditional sense, but I bet people have asked for your autograph, right? You save lives. Of course people love you."
I can't decide whether to blush or grimace.
"I guess," I say noncommittally. "So, you were looking at college classes?"
"Yep!" Chloe says happily, gracefully rolling with the clunky topic change. She opens her laptop back up and spins it around so I can see. "I'm making my own list of all the classes I might want to take and when they're available. It's mostly generals for the first couple semesters, so we can probably sync our schedules up pretty easily if you want to!"
It's not like I'm going to actually be in class enough for it to matter.
"Um, that could be cool, yeah," I say. "I'd like that."
I just don't deserve it.
Could all these horrible internal thoughts just freaking cool it for a moment? Just a little bit? I'm trying to have a conversation with my friend here. I don't exactly have a lot of them.
Sorry.
What?
What?
"Awesome! I assume you don't have a major in mind yet?" Chloe asks, snapping my attention back to her again. Still, I can feel the coil of fear in my chest winding tighter. What is going on?
"I… no," I say. "Honestly, I'm not entirely sure why I'm going to college at all."
"To have something to do when you're not busy, I would imagine," Chloe says. "You're not the type to enjoy free time. Which… well, I hope I can help with that a little."
"I think I might just be curious about why Castalia's doing it," I admit. "It'll be neat to go to the same school as her."
There's a pause.
"…You know Castalia?" she asks. "No, sorry, that's a stupid question. I guess I just didn't want to assume you all knew each other, but like, of course you would all know each other if you live in the same place."
"Yeah, I mean, I don't know her that well, but I guess she's sort of an on-and-off mentor for me."
"Wow," Chloe says. "Well, I'm definitely super curious, but I guess we should probably figure out class stuff…?"
She's always ready to give me an out if I don't want to talk about things. I must come off as a complete mess.
She's just a considerate person. She'd act that way with anyone.
I am a mess, though. I'm having a conversation with myself inside my own head and it's starting to sound like there are two different voices.
I don't want to think about that.
"You can ask about Castalia if you want," I say. "I don't think she'd mind. I don't really know anything about her that would qualify as a secret."
"Is she really as powerful as they say?" Chloe asks, because of course she does. It's always about power. "I hear she could destroy the whole city if she wanted to."
I remember the convergence in Denver, the size of some of those monsters. Bigger than entire houses. Some of them bigger than skyscrapers. They're called kaiju because fighting them is like living in a Godzilla movie, a constant scramble to desperately try and find a weakness in something so much larger than you that it doesn't even notice when it crushes your civilization into splinters. I know, objectively, that I am powerful. Access to magic makes me a one-woman military force, someone who could possibly stand up to a small country and make it out alive. But I couldn't even scratch it.
Castalia, though…
"She could do a lot more than that," I answer. "If someone told me she could destroy the planet, I might believe them."
Chloe's perpetually happy mask breaks a little at that, genuine anxiety touching her face.
"Wh… really? Seriously?"
I shrug.
"I don't know if she can," I clarify. "I just wouldn't discount the possibility. I like to think we do a pretty good job of keeping monsters out of the public eye, but you've seen some of the things we fight on the news at least, right? All those videos when London was destroyed?"
"…Yeah," Chloe says softly. "It's just hard to imagine, I guess. Why can't the big convergences ever happen out in the middle of the ocean or something?"
"Because there aren't any people there," I say.
"So the monsters are going after people?"
"Technically no, but functionally yes," I answer. "The monsters gravitate towards sources of magic, and humans are sources of magic. The death and destruction is just a side effect. They're mindless beasts, so they don't really know any better."
"Oh," Chloe says. "So they're not like, malicious alien invaders?"
Man, I keep forgetting how little normal people know about this stuff.
"They're more like the radioactive fallout from a bunch of malicious alien invaders that blew themselves up," I say. "But that starts getting into a lot of details on what the Dark World is and why it's here, and I think that's actually stuff I'm not supposed to talk about. We don't want humans trying to investigate the place because it, y'know, kills you."
"Because of the monsters, or…?"
"Because of the magical density," I answer. "Even Earth Guardians can't stay in the Dark World for long without bad stuff happening to them. The Dark World seeps into you the longer you stay there. A normal human has no way to defend against that. You can't just walk in wearing a hazmat suit and expect it to protect your soul."
"My… soul?" Chloe blinks.
"Oh yeah, souls are real," I tell her. "I have no idea if ghosts are real, though. Don't know about the afterlife either. But you definitely have a soul."
"Does my dog have a soul?" Chloe asks.
"Eh," I say, making a so-so gesture. "Not a very good one."
"Hey, what the fuck," she whimpers.
"Not like that," I sigh. "I just mean your dog isn't going to be casting any spells anytime soon."
"What, but I could?"
"Hypothetically, yeah," I say. "I have no idea how, exactly, but humans can absolutely use magic. I'm not sure I could really explain what it's like. The transformation stone shorthands a lot of it for me. I can cast without it in a pinch, but I don't understand any of the theory. It's all feeling. Habit."
"Oh yeah. Do you… I mean, should you talk about the stone at all?" she asks quietly. "Wouldn't it be really bad if somebody steals it?"
"That can't really happen," I say. "It's not like I can misplace it, and nobody but me can use it. The worst that could happen is someone breaks it, but that would never occur by accident. You'd have to take a diamond cutter to the thing or something. Honestly, that probably wouldn't even work. Magic is superlative. It is an extremely powerful, functionally infinite energy source that more or less grants localized control over reality. It's far from all-powerful, but it's… y'know. A sufficiently advanced technology."
Chloe chuckles.
"Arthur C. Clarke?" she asks. "Yeah, okay, I get it. Though when you put it like that, it's kind of scary to think about the fact that there's an entire species of experts on this stuff just kind of hanging out on our planet. What do the Preservers get out of this, anyway?"
"The satisfaction of knowing they didn't sit around and let a species get wiped out by monsters?" I shrug. "I get the impression from Uma'tama that the Preservers want to interfere with the development of other species as little as possible. They feel like the difference in power and influence between our societies is so vast that if they directly interfered with our world and its cultures, they would effectively be committing genocide. Not in the sense that they would be killing us, but in the sense that incorporating their technology effectively necessitates a large enough shift in our society that we would have little choice but to follow their example of how to handle it. And by aping off of their culture, whatever cultures we would have developed had we discovered the technology ourselves are killed in the cradle."
"But at the same time, they kind of have to give us magic so we don't get killed by monsters?" Chloe asks.
"Pretty much," I confirm. "So they limit it to the Earth Guardians, and even we don't really know how it all works."
I wonder if the witches know. Maybe that's why they're so strong.
"Heavy stuff," Chloe concludes. "I'm not really sure I agree with it, but I suppose it's not my technology to give out. Would be nice if they like, cured cancer for us or something, though."
"I think some of them want to," I admit. "I mean, they're an entire society. I only know a few Preservers on a personal level, and only one all that well. But Uma'tama definitely seems to wish they could do more for us."
"Okay," Chloe nods. "Let's swap to something a little lower-intensity. Why do they look like flying cats? Like, that's weird, right? Why would the aliens just happen to evolve to look like cats?"
"Uh, they didn't," I say. "The forms the Preservers take on Earth are just projections. I'm pretty sure they look like cats for the same reason we all look like we're from Sailor Moon as opposed to superheroes or paramilitary units."
"Oh. Well, that's boring."
"I think it's okay," I shrug. "It helps with our image. Looking kind of goofy makes it easier for people to feel like we're on their side. Our jobs are hard enough without conspiracy theorists actively trying to get themselves killed by not listening to us."
"It's kind of funny you say that, considering how scary Fulgora looks."
I blink. It's just a practical outfit. It is kind of scary-looking, though. The last thing I want is for people to be scared of me. Why do I dress like that?
Because it's a practical outfit! Mundane armor doesn't help that much, but it's better than nothing, and thickening an incarnate form's defenses will never make them look like a frilly-dressed magical girl. Plus I need somewhere to holster the gun.
I shudder. I can't deny that guns are effective against swarms of small monsters, but they aren't very effective against anything else. I shot Anath with it when she wasn't even in her incarnate form and it didn't do anything. And I have a magical staff that shoots lightning! Why would I even need a gun?
Why am I freaking out about this? I literally have the gun concealed in my jacket right now because I put the holster on this morning knowing that I like having a sidearm as Fulgora and I especially like having access to a weapon in my civilian identity. I don't want to have to choose between revealing my powers and being helpless if I end up in danger.
I don't even have a license for it. I stole it off of a corpse in the liminal space. I bring it to school! I mean, it's not like I can't make it disappear for a bit if I need to, but… yeah I definitely don't want anyone to find out about that.
"Uh, Eliza?" Chloe asks, making me jump a little.
"Huh? Oh. Sorry. Got lost in thought."
"I'm sorry I said Fulgora looks scary?" Chloe ventures.
"No, no, it's not that. You're right," I assure her.
She gives me a careful look.
"I've seen you come back from stuff pretty roughed up," Chloe tells me. "Even if you don't seem wounded I can tell you're in pain. You're acting really out of it right now. Not hurt like usual, but… did everything go okay?"
"Um, yeah, everything went great today," I nod. "No major injuries, no problematic monsters… it's good. Everything went good. Got rid of the convergence and everything."
"Okay," Chloe nods. "But I think there's a reason you're so on edge."
I shrug.
"I think I tend to be a little nervous when things go well," I admit. "Just a consequence of my magic, probably."
She frowns, but doesn't respond. Our food arrives before I can break the silence, so we just start eating it and let the topic drop. The appetizer Chloe ordered is really good, which I'm particularly grateful for because my meal isn't really to my tastes. I eat it all anyway. I have some pretty huge calorie needs.
"Hey, Eliza," Chloe says, her cheeks puffed up by all the food she shoved in there like a chipmunk while she talks, "you wanna watch a movie tonight?"
I blink. Like a theater? Dark room, loud noises, crowd of bodies, and having to disrupt everyone else if I need to suddenly leave? No thanks.
I can easily imagine myself freaking out and hurting someone if somebody moves in the corner of my vision, too.
"Uh. I don't think I'm a going-out-to-the-movies sort of person," I admit.
"What about a staying-in-for-a-movie person?" she asks. "My dad and I usually watch something together every Thursday night, which is… y'know, tonight. We don't really have a fancy surround sound system or anything like that, and our TV isn't the best, and we mostly just watch old comedies, but we'd love to have you!"
That sounds ideal, actually?
Oh my god, yeah, I hate surround sound.
I'm not a character in the film, I shouldn't feel like it's physically happening around me.
And I could really go for a comedy. That sounds great.
I'm probably not going to get to stay the whole time.
"Are… you sure I wouldn't be imposing?" I hedge. "I might have to interrupt the movie to… y'know."
"It's fine, we understand!" Chloe beams. "My dad won't mind. Uh… he'll probably guess you're Fulgora, so I hope that doesn't make you too uncomfortable? I've talked a bit about you at home."
No damnit no! Uuuugh.
It was inevitable.
I guess. I'm sure she needs to vent about me to someone.
"It's fine," I brush off. "That sounds great, honestly. If I can make it, I'd love to."
"Awesome!" Chloe beams. "I'll send you my address! I'll see you at six? Oh! I'll make dinner, too."
Too much. That's too much. Lunch and dinner?
"You don't have to do that," I insist. "I can eat before—"
"I want to do it," Chloe insists. "I'll see you then, okay?"
"Uh. Okay."
We chat a little more while we wait for the check and then part ways, leaving me feeling vaguely floaty as I wander towards the closest entrance to Guardian headquarters. My sense of reality feels off in a way that's kind of nice but mostly stressful as all hell. I'm not sure what to do about it. I wander through the blank white halls of headquarters in a daze. I feel like I've been spacing out like this more recently.
"Fulgora!" Uma'tama greets me happily. "How was your lunch date?"
"Minerva," I correct automatically. Why did I do that? "Er, wait. Sorry, no, Fulgora's… fine? And it wasn't a date."
"It's alright if you prefer Minerva now!" Uma'tama assures me. And I think I do? I don't. "You have been spending a lot of time with your team lately."
"I… just forget I said anything," I sigh. "Either is fine when I'm not transformed, I guess."
"Okay, we will remember that!" Uma'tama says. "Are you ready for the debrief?"
"Yeah. I mean, that's why I'm here," I tell them.
"Understood! But really, it's not an urgent matter since things went so well. If you'd like to take a longer break, you're more than welcome. You've seemed… tired lately? If we're reading you right. We are not as good with human body language as we would like to be."
"I'm not… I'm fine," I insist. "But I did agree to hang out with Chloe later today as well. We're going to watch a movie at her house."
"And this is not a date," Uma'tama says, seeming confused.
"It's not," I confirm. "We're just friends. I think maybe I don't… do… dates?"
"Oh, okay!" Uma'tama says brightly. "We will remember that. We hope you enjoy your movie and friendly not-a-date. Let us conclude our business so you may prepare! We will endeavor not to bother you during your movie if it can be avoided."
Damnit Uma, no!
That means they'll send the kids without me!
"Don't do that!" I blurt immediately. "Uma, no. I'm fine. I'm good. I can fight. You don't need to send them out alone."
"You don't need to go with them for every little thing," they argue. "You've done such a good job training them, Minerva! Anything less dangerous than a swarm and they'll be fine."
"But there's always a risk of a swarm!" I insist. "Any convergence could have one! And they don't know when to retreat, yet! They'll try to take it by themselves, Uma!"
"We will keep a careful watch on them," Uma'tama promises. "And we will make it clear that Aurora is the leader in your absence. And if something that requires your attention occurs, we will contact you. But I want you to have more time to relax!"
"I don't need it!"
"But I want it," Uma'tama insists. "Go! Have a fun night. Try not to worry. There have been an abnormally large number of convergences in this city for long enough that we have been approved to receive a transfer to help as well! She is close to your age. We hope the two of you get along!"
"Wh… Uma!" I gape. Another magical girl? Do they think I can't handle it? Why? What did I do wrong? Why can't I do anything right?
"...You seem upset," the cat frowns. "We thought you would be happy to have the help. You have barely gotten any time to yourself all summer."
I don't know what to do with time to myself! Any time that isn't spent doing magical girl stuff stresses me out! If we're not fighting monsters we should be training to fight monsters!
No amount of training is enough, after all. But anything that can delay my fuckup just another day…!
"...We thought you would want to hang out with your friend more," Uma'tama says, sagging slightly. "Did we misunderstand something…?"
"I… no," I say. It's not that I don't want to, it's… "I just wish I didn't need help."
That came out a lot more honestly than I intended. Ugh, it sounds so bad when I say it out loud, but it's true.
"...Minerva," Uma'tama sighs. "We… aren't sure we understand, but we can tell you are having a difficult time. From what we know of humans, rest is the most reliable way to heal. If we trampled on your wishes somehow, we apologize. It makes me so happy to hear you have a friend to spend the evening with, though, and I want you to have a good time. We did not mean to…"
They trail off, trying to find the words and seeming to fail.
"Well! You know yourself and your needs better than we ever could," Uma'tama says, not entirely sounding like they believe it. "We are not human, after all. We will not listen to the temptations of arrogance. If you believe you do not need rest, we will not force you."
A pause.
"...But you are still seeing your friend tonight?" they hedge.
"I… yes," I say.
"Alright," they smile. "So, about the debriefing…"
We finish our business, talking about the fight and the types of monsters present, going over tactics and optimizations while Uma'tama theorizes about what may have been on the other side. Afterwards I train alone, practicing spellcraft and trying to focus on the why and how of what I'm doing, my admission of ignorance to Chloe fiercely bothering me. Why is casting magic so much easier in an incarnate form? As a human it feels like shoving glue through a straw, nothing like the effortless, instinctive casting of my superior bodies. I almost never train outside of an incarnate form barring general fitness, and now it's easy to see why.
Still, I pound through exercises until it's time for me to head to Chloe's, an ache in my soul that leaves my usual bundle of fear and anger feeling sluggish and distant. That seems dangerous. I probably shouldn't train like this if this is the result. But… I guess I'm supposed to rest today. I'm sure Chloe won't mind if I'm a little off my game.
Her smiling face greets me when I ring the door to her house. It's a small, one-story home, the paint peeling off the wood. When was the last time I went to a friend's house? I can't remember.
It was with them. My old team. I went over to Flora's house on Saturdays.
Right. Yeah. She had such a big living room. I loved her chairs. Carmenta would make us get our homework done together all at once so we didn't procrastinate and get called out to battle while trying to finish it just before the deadline.
Flora and I would have done that every time if not for her. We were the worst at homework. I guess I still am.
It's been… what, four years now? Five?
"Hey, Eliza!" Chloe greets me.
I don't deserve her. I certainly didn't deserve them.
I should have stayed.
I guess it was only a matter of time until I became a green mage again. I'm such a fucking coward.
"Eliza?"
Shit, say something!
"Hey, Chloe," I manage. "Thanks for inviting me."
"Uh. Eliza," she says, "are you crying?"
Huh?
"...Am I?" I ask, only just now feeling the tears running down my face. God, I'm such a loser. Where's my emotional control?
"...Come inside," Chloe says, an infuriating amount of pity on her face. I can do nothing but let her lead me in. "I hope you like hot chocolate!"
"Uh, yeah," I say. "I do."
As she ushers me inside, I can't help but notice how very, very warm her hands are. I do my best to focus on that, because I don't want to let my thoughts wander any more tonight.
Because I'm a coward.
Comments
Sarah
Cognitive Behavioural Torture, let's gooo
jthrr
Painful that she's so severely traumatized... but the tool she's learned is emotional control. And she's failing it, so... that's on her, right? Lovely, C&B torture in full effect
jthrr
I think I saw a mix of I & we
ashley scott
I was already pretty sure they were plural after her last POV but yeah, this is one of the most textbook DID characters I've read lol. I feel so represented or whatever :3
Riking
Or speaking for the organization?
Saul Dickson
Yeah, it’s incredible really. All the way back to Penelope, Thundamoo has been putting out some insanely well written characters.
Lucy Severine
Honestly I hope she and Anath get to meet sometime soon and they end up really getting along lmao
Lucy Severine
Yeah they're definitely plural'ing
May Raven
Goddamn how do you write a dozen insane characters over multiple years and have so many of them be so *relatable*? It’s beautiful and uncomfortable and I love it.
sharikak 54
"But I want it," Uma'tama insists. Should this be a “we”, or does Uma have a singular first-person side to them?
Kennyevilmonkey
I to fear the day that I might be attacked by a giant magical squirrel. Truly, the stuff of nightmares...
pheonix89
Plural trauma baby MG
Saul Dickson
First
