thundamoo
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21. Dissociation
🕑 Added 2024-10-19 22:43:55 +0000 UTCA/N: Hi everyone! Sorry for the wait, enjoy the chapter!
I lost.
Finally, after so many years, I got my breakthrough. My Catharsis. And I still lost. I actually had hope for a bit there, you know? For a moment there, we were winning. But then Melpomene showed up, and…
We couldn't do a damn thing.
We couldn't do anything. She deflected our Catharsis without even speaking a single spell. How is power like that even possible?
We're doing something wrong. We have to be. There's no way that all there is to it is just 'feeling more strongly.' How are we supposed to feel more than what we felt today?
I don't know. I don't want to think about it. I'm completely drained. Empty. I don't think I could be afraid of anything if I tried.
I guess that's a Catharsis for you.
"Minerva?" a nearby voice asks. Aurora. "Hey, Minerva, try to stay awake, okay? We're almost back to base."
Right. Because I apparently needed to add to my shame, Veritas and Aurora are carrying their defeated elders back in their arms. I've barely even been registering the movements as they jump from rooftop to rooftop; even after all her healing, I can barely move. My incarnate form is completely spent. I'm only barely managing to maintain the transformation at all.
The stars in the sky indicate we've passed back onto Earth, the occasional flash from the streetlights confirming it. Soon enough, the four of us drop into a familiar alleyway, heading through the wall and ending up somewhere pristinely white. The moment we make the transition, though, Aurora gasps in shock.
With great effort, I manage to turn my head in the direction she's facing. Though most of the portal room is untouched, the door to the rest of the base is a twisted mess of blackened material, still slightly smoldering. Rather than the rest of the base, the other side of the door leads only to a mess of shattered caverns, debris from what looks like a thorough bombing run scattered everywhere.
An image flashes through my mind, the great beam of light descending from heaven, cutting through my clouds, and driving Amaterasu through a newly bored hole in the ground. That overwhelming power, that horror I felt as I realized my attempt to time my attack while my enemy was distracted may have caused a girl to die. Another one, by my hands. To a power so overwhelming I could never hope to catch up.
Power, power, power. It always comes back to power! Why can't I ever find enough!?
"Holy crap," Veritas swears, jolting me out of my thoughts. Right, right, focus on the present. What happened? Is everyone okay? Is Uma'tama…
"Uma'tama!" I croak. "Uma'tama, are you here?"
Panic rushing through me, at least as much as I can manage in such an emotionally mangled state, I somehow send off a communication ping to try and find them. It hurts, my soul protesting on a deep level against the abuse. Thankfully, a familiar pop of joy heralds their safe arrival.
"Minerva!" Uma'tama gasps, appearing before us. "Everyone! Thank goodness you're alright! We feared the worst when the base fell under attack. We couldn't get in contact with any of you! We've been lobbying for backup, but… oh, it doesn't matter. We're so glad you're safe."
Uma'tama actually flies down and wraps their little paws around my shoulder in a quick hug. They do the same to Veritas and Aurora, though since Susan is asleep they don't disturb her.
"What happened?" I croak.
"Two members of the Corrupted entered the base by using other Earth Guardians as hostages," Uma'tama says. "They used the fact that all of you were away to take Anath and destroy our base. The damage is… extensive. It shouldn't take us too long to repair everything, of course, but we are far more worried about the message this sends."
"We aren't safe here," I manage. "They want us to know that they can get us anywhere."
"Possibly," Uma'tama nods. "Though considering that this attack came immediately after our acquisition of Anath, we think it is more likely to be a generalized threat. A warning to not attempt to take one of them again."
"Same thing," I mumble. Gosh, this really hurts.
"But enough of what happened here," Uma'tama insists. "This damage is all material. Inconsequential. What happened with all of you? Are you alright? You feel dangerously burnt out, Minerva."
"She used a Catharsis!" Aurora chimes in. "It was awesome! I've never seen a spell that huge before!"
"A Catharsis!?" Uma'tama gapes. "Minerva, that's incredible, but you need to exit your incarnate form immediately!"
"No," I grunt.
"Minerva, please!"
"I don't…" I start, grimacing and glancing towards my team.
"You don't what?" Veritas suddenly snaps. "Why don't you want to show us who you are? Aurora and I know each other's secret identities. Don't you trust us?"
"Um, I don't think it has to do with us," Aurora defends me, bless her heart.
"Well, what is it then!?" Veritas insists. "We've been a team for ages now, and I barely know anything about you! You never talk to us unless it's about missions or training. You never let us see you outside your incarnate form, but you're barely even around in that! Do you just not like us or something!?
"What!?" I say, startled. "Of course I like you! I care a lot about both of you!"
"Yeah? What's my favorite animal? What shows do I like? What foods do I like? Who's my favorite Power Ranger!?"
"Uh…"
"Aurora knows all of that! Uma'tama knows all of that! But you don't know anything about me. You never talk to me. Not unless you want to tell me I'm not any good at stabbing things."
"Veritas, I…"
"Who the heck are you, Minerva!?"
It's a good fucking question, isn't it? Who the heck are we?
What? I mean, we're Eliza. Right?
Are we? Are we really? Because I certainly wake up every day with everyone I know calling me Eliza, but I know my real name. No backing off from this halfway, yeah? You are Minerva, and I'm Fulgora. That's how this works. That's the only thing that makes sense.
I… I guess so, yeah. Yeah. You don't have to say it. I see where you're going with this.
No, I want to hear you admit it. Enough is enough. We're both thinking it, so quit running like a coward.
But I am a… no. Don't give me that, you can't blame this on me. You didn't want to think about it either. We'll say it together.
Fine.
There are two of us here.
We know who we are.
But if I'm Minerva, and you're Fulgora…
…then where the hell is Eliza?
"Could you put me down please, Aurora?" I ask.
"O-Oh, sure, yeah," she agrees, easing me into a sitting position on the ground. Once I'm stable, I drop my incarnate form, light enveloping me and letting me grow back to my human body's proportions. I'm still wearing the outfit I showed up to Chloe's house in. I still have my gun in its holster. Something about that relaxes me a little, even in this weak body that doesn't feel like my own.
Yeah. That's the thing, isn't it? This doesn't feel like my body. It hasn't for a long time, has it? My human form is all muscle and bone, hairy in all sorts of uncomfortable places. Everything is so awkward, huge, and frail. It's… wrong.
"You… you're old!" Veritas accuses. "Oh my gosh, is that why you're so lame!?"
"Wh—huh!?" I manage, staring at her.
"Veritas!" Aurora says accusingly. "Don't be mean! Besides, she's Fulgora! I thought you said Fulgora was cool!"
Ha! Suck it!
No! Betrayed by my own team!
"What!?" Veritas exclaims. "There's no way she's Fulgora! Fulgora is a red mage, not a… brown… mage. And, um, they're two separate people… who I've never seen in the same room together… huh."
Here, let me take control! I'm clearly better with kids!
But I am a kid! Kind of! Maybe?
We're adults! Or we're an adult, singular. Or at least we're supposed to be!
We are, at best, barely an adult. Now would you stop talking all the time!? It's really distracting! You never did this before!
I mean I assumed all of your thoughts were also my thoughts because I thought you didn't exist. Same for you, right? You hardly ever chimed in when we were Fulgora. But now I know you aren't me, and it's like woah! All those dumb coward thoughts were actually some other bitch! What a relief!
You—gah! You really want to go there!? You pig-headed, thoughtless—
"...Minerva?" Uma'tama says, gently touching my shoulder.
"Huh!?" I jolt.
"Veritas asked you a question."
"O-oh," I blurt. "Sorry, I'm really not, um, feeling my best right now. What did you…?"
Veritas scowls at me, then takes a deep breath and sighs.
"...Never mind," she grumbles, turning and walking off towards the teleporter.
"W-what? Veritas—"
"I said never mind!" she snaps. "Just leave me alone!"
"Wait!" I shout, and she stops. She doesn't look back at me, though. "I… I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being a bad leader. I'm doing my best, but… you shouldn't be stuck with someone like me."
Veritas clenches her fists and glowers at me over her shoulder.
"...You're an idiot," she says, and then steps back on the platform to Earth, vanishing.
Nice going.
Oh, shut the heck up. If you know what I was supposed to say there, feel free to tell me.
…
That's what I thought.
I knew we weren't cut out for leading a team. I knew that. But you accepted. You made this commitment. I was against it from the start. I reserve every right to rub your face in how much we suck at it.
You… we… I didn't have a choice! I DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE! Should I have left them to fend for themselves? To have no mentor at all? Castalia is gone! Everyone else is DEAD! How many times have we… no, how many times have I saved their lives since this started? Huh? I'm trying! I'm freaking trying!
And look where it's gotten me! I'm literally insane now! I'm arguing with myself inside my own fucking head with someone who didn't even EXIST until I made that stupid, STUPID decision! I shouldn't be on a team. I shouldn't be on a team! Yes, of COURSE they'd be better off without me, what the hell am I even saying? I know myself. I know who I am! I can't be a leader! I can't!
But I have to!
But I can't!
But I have to!
BUT I CAN'T! I'm a failure! A coward! A weakling! Do you remember how much it hurt to say yes? To lie to Uma'tama's face and tell them that I could do it? That I could help them? After everyone I've failed!?
Of course I remember! But we didn't have a choice! We didn't! I won't let people die because of me, and that's exactly what refusing to lead them would have done!
It's what agreeing to lead them will do! And clearly, refusing to have the decency to remember that is what drove us insane, because there was certainly no Minerva living in my head until you said yes and DOOMED THOSE KIDS! Did you forget!? Did you forget how we ran and left our team to die!? You must have, because you even have the fucking audacity to use green magic again. Coward! Pathetic coward!
SHUT UP! F-frick you! I'm tired of this! You want to call me a coward while you scream and whine and blame all your problems on me? Fine! You deal with them then! I'm done! I'm done doing anything anymore! You handle our mess if you're so much freaking better at it!
You think I'm fucking finished with you, Minerva!? I've got… ugh. Oh, god. The ache feels different all of a sudden. My body is too small instead of too big, just as uncomfortable but in all the wrong ways. I'm so thin, so slow, so heavy. The world feels duller than it should, emptier, quieter. I just fought nearly to the death with a storm conjured from nothing but my will. I shouldn't be this weak. Why does this all feel so wrong!?
"Eliza," Uma'tama says loudly. I gasp, jolting with tension. When did she hover so close?
"What? Wh…?" I manage, looking around. Still in the teleporter room. Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?
"Eliza, you need some rest," Uma'tama says firmly. "We're putting you on mandatory leave. For real this time."
"What?" I ask. "But… but there's no one…"
"If an emergency happens, we'll call Castalia," Uma'tama answers, and my heart drops into my stomach. "She's already given her blessing."
"I… no," I insist. "You can't do that."
"Eliza, please, this isn't a punishment," Uma'tama insists sadly. "We admit that we are… not the best at understanding what you need. What any of you need. But you need something, and the most valuable thing we can offer is time. Rest, Eliza. Please."
"I… I can't," I say. "Uma, they destroyed us. I have to get stronger. I have to find a way to beat them!"
For the second time today, Uma'tama wraps me up in a hug. It's warm.
"You will," they say firmly. "You will, Eliza. We believe in you, and we are so, so proud of you. But for now, rest. Please."
Fuck, now I'm crying. Damn it. I give Uma's little body a hug back. They're so soft.
"I thought I told you to call me Fulgora when we're in the base," I mumble.
"...Of course," they agree softly. "Go take a break, Fulgora. Aurora, will you help me with Su-san?"
"I…! I'm not really sure what else I can do," Aurora squeaks. "She should be okay, I think, but she needs rest, too."
"She does, yes," Uma'tama nods. "But unfortunately the beds here have been destroyed. Would it be possible for her to stay with your family for the time being?"
"Oh! Um, yes! Probably!" Aurora nods vigorously. "I mean, I'll have to ask my mom and dad, but… yeah, I'm sure they'll be willing to help. She can take my big sister's bed or something. I'll take her home now!"
"Thank you, dear," Uma'tama nods. "And… you should probably head home too, alright Fulgora? Are you able to walk?"
"I… yeah," I insist, not actually knowing the answer. Shakily, I rise to my feet. Okay. So I can walk. That's good. Minerva's mangled, patch-healed body aches with every step, but as always my human form isn't actually injured. I can take it. "I guess… I'll see you later?"
"Of course," Uma'tama assures me. "And feel free to call me up and chat any time you like."
I nod vacantly, barely hearing what they said.
"I'll… yeah. Okay."
Walking out of what little is left of our base, I stare up at the stars, wondering what time it is. It slips away a bit in the liminal space, especially when I get my ass kicked hard enough to end up barely conscious. Is it ten? Twelve? One in the morning? I could just check my phone, but I don't have the energy. I guess… I should just head home?
The walk is oddly tiring. When was the last time I ate? Oh yeah. Chloe's house. That was… nice. I'm kind of in a bad part of town, aren't I? I should probably pay more attention to where I'm going. God, I'm so tired.
Now imagine feeling like that while getting constantly yelled at by a voice in your head.
Oh. Hey, Minerva.
Hi.
Can we not do this? I want to go back to not thinking about it. Just for a while.
Okay.
I hate this. This only happens to people that are crazy, right? But I finally got my Catharsis out of it. Still, Uma'tama might bench me for longer if they find out. Like, this isn't normal, right? This is bad. Really bad. I'm literally talking to myself.
You said you weren't going to think about it.
Right. Yeah. Of course. I'll just think about… something else.
I flinch as a scream suddenly rings out through the night, the bump of adrenaline starting up the grinding gears of my body that had been desperately attempting to shut down. Well. That's something else to think about. A monster attack? Here? Some monsters do manage to hide on Earth for a while and pick people off. I run towards the sound, ignoring my protesting body as best I can. I haven't felt this weak in years.
"—said quiet!" a man shouts, and I turn around the alleyway to spot a human holding a gun to another human's head. What? Oh. Right, I mean, obviously that's the situation. I was just thinking about that, wasn't I?
"Shit!" he hisses when I step into view, and immediately he turns to aim the gun at me. That's good. Now the woman can… oh. She's not moving. Plus I'm in human form, so I could actually die here.
…
I'm… in human form. So I could actually die here. Huh. I thought I'd care more about that than I do.
"The fuck are you looking at!?" the man snaps. "Are you high or something? Get out of here before I blow your brains out!"
He's wearing a big sock over his head. One of the robber socks. Balaclavas? Man, this is so… generic. I've stopped a few robberies before, of course. It's not common, but there's a good chunk of crime here so it happens. Stopping a mugging isn't really intervening in local politics, so Uma'tama doesn't mind.
I start to walk towards him. Why not? I'm not a coward, that's just the stupid voice in my head. He waves the gun in my direction and I raise one hand, tracking the aim of the barrel. I'm not really sure why. What do I expect to do, catch a bullet?
"Shit!" the man swears as I step towards him, and a shot rings out. I guess that was kind of stupid of me, huh? I'm used to loud noises exploding next to my ears, of course, so I don't flinch. An intense pain blooms in my palm, and I stop to look at it. The bullet is there, lodged right in the middle between two metacarpals, blood weeping from the wound.
"Huh, look at that," I say idly. "I did catch it."
What is the matter with you!? Pay attention!
The next shot hits me in the shoulder.
"Ow," I say.
Freaking punch him or something!!!
A shot of fear suddenly floods me, and I move on instinct, ducking the next shot and ramming my fist into the man's chest with my injured hand. I feel his ribs shatter under the hit and he crumples, dropping the gun. Shit. I might have caused a bone to pierce his lungs. I've never really fought a baseline human before.
"I guess I should call an ambulance?" I mutter to myself.
Check on the woman!
Oh! Right. Her. I look up and see her already dialing nine one one. Okay. Cool.
"You good?" I ask her.
Get the gun, dummy!
I'm doing it, I'm doing it. I lean down and quickly unchamber the round in his dinky little pistol. Now I own two guns. Neat.
"I… thank you, oh my god, are you okay?" the woman asks.
"I'm fine," I insist, ignoring the ache in my shoulder and the blood dripping from between my fingers. "He won't be able to move, I think."
A pained whimper from the perpetrator is our only response. I turn to walk away.
"W-wait!" the woman shouts. "You need… at least wait for the ambulance!"
I ignore her and depart, my head swimming with adrenaline, pain, and exhaustion. Gosh we should probably actually go to a hospital. Right? We got shot twice. Twice! But if I do that, they're going to wonder why I took the gun, and why I have another gun that legally isn't mine. The doctors are going to be confused about why it's so hard to put the IV in my skin, and I'll have to explain to them that I'm a magical girl, and then my brother will have to come to the emergency room and pay them thousands of dollars we don't have for the courtesy of patching up a wound I can probably just sleep off. Maybe. Hopefully. I guess I don't really know. I'm tired, though, so I'm going to find out.
I wander in the general direction of my house, ignoring the sirens and the flashing lights of the passing emergency services vehicles. I hope everything works out for that lady. I also hope I never meet her again. Soon enough, I find my aching legs walking up my family's driveway, heading towards the entrance to our cramped, one-story home. I blink and take a few steps back. It's late, right?
It is. It's really late. My brother's room light is off. He's asleep. I don't want to wake him. And… I don't think I have my key.
Whatever. Whatever, it's fine. I'm fine. I walk up to the front door, confirm it's locked, rummage through my pockets, and ultimately decide to just… sit down. I'm done, I think. I'm completely done with today. I lean back next to the door and close my eyes.
"Hey, Minerva?" I mumble out loud.
Yeah?
"What if this is Eliza?"
The voice in my head… no, she's more than a voice. The thoughts, feelings, sensations, and opinions that mix with my own yet feel distinctly separate go still for a moment. Like she wants to say 'what do you mean,' but she knows what I mean. She's me. She hears my thoughts, feels my emotions. Just like I do hers.
This… emotionless exhaustion?
"Yeah. I mean, who even is Eliza? What does she do?"
What's her favorite animal? What foods does she like? Who's her favorite Power Ranger?
"Heh," I laugh, which turns out to be a painful mistake. Should I get these bullets out of my body? That would just make them bleed more, right? I'm so fucking tired.
We probably shouldn't fall asleep.
"Yeah," I agree. "'Prolly shouldn't talk to you out loud, either."
Can you imagine how concerned everyone would be if they heard you? Freaks me out just thinking about it.
"Oh yeah, they'd be insufferable," I say, stifling a yawn. "It's kinda chilly out."
It's nice.
"Yeah."
The cool night breeze is a balm on the sharp, pulsing pain of my hand and the sweat on my forehead. I can feel myself drifting off, but I can't remember why I thought I shouldn't.
…
"Holy fuck! Eliza!?"
"Uagh!" I yelp, a searing pain rushing through my entire body as I make the mistake of moving. Sunlight blinds me, the glare just peeking over the horizon to the east.
"Why are you sleeping on the porch!?" my brother demands, dressed in his uniform for the pet shop. "Wait, is that blood!?"
"G'morning, Jim," I mutter, my mouth feeling puffy and dry.
"Oh my god, Eliza, what the hell happened!? C-come inside, come on! Shit, shit, where's the first aid kit…"
He leans down and pulls me up by my uninjured shoulder, leaving me disoriented, confused, and in pain. So… a pretty normal morning, I guess, except for waking up on the porch. What the hell did happen? I… oh. Oh, right.
"I stopped a mugging," I say, my words slurring a little for some reason.
"Eliza, you look like you were the victim of a mugging," Jim panics.
"Nah," I reassure him. "I caught the bullet. Still holding it! See?"
I hold up my injured hand, the shaped metal still barely visible behind the dry scab. It doesn't seem to reassure my brother at all, which seems unfair. Catching a bullet is pretty cool, I think.
"You got shot!? The bullets are still inside of you!?" my brother practically shrieks. He's such a worrywart. I love him. "Okay, that's… I don't know how to handle that. Oh god. Oh god, okay. Wait. Hand me your phone."
"No," I pout. "You just want all my embarrassing selfies."
"Do… do you even have any?"
"No but you'd want them if I did."
"Oh my god, Eliza, just…"
He sits me back down on the floor and starts rummaging through my pockets in spite of my protests. He finds the gun ("Why the hell do you… no, dealing with it later. One insanity at a time, that's how we manage this.") and then my phone, which he quickly unlocks and starts rummaging through my contacts. I probably shouldn't have set the password to 1234.
"Okay. Okay, here," he mutters to himself, putting the phone to his ear as it starts ringing. I immediately recognize the voice that picks up—even without the phone being on speaker, I can hear it well enough.
Thank—"
"Uma'tama! This is Jim, I—"
"—you for contacting us through the Earth cellular phone network service. I am not connected—"
"Fuck!" Jim swears, hanging up and scrolling through the contacts some more.
"Hehehe," I chuckle. "Uma's really busy lately. I wonder what they've been up to."
"God," Jim mutters, ignoring me. "Who do I… shit. Okay. Here we go."
He dials another number. It picks up on the fourth ring, and the voice on the other end scares me stiff.
"Hello…?" Castalia answers groggily.
"W-wait, Jim, you don't…" I start to babble, but he just puts his hand over my mouth and starts talking.
"Hi. Um. Castalia? I'm… Fulgora's brother. This morning I found my sister sleeping on our porch with two half-healed bullet wounds. She's not transformed. I don't… I just didn't know what to do, and I saw you in her contacts, and—"
"What's your address?" Castalia interrupts him.
"Uh? Um…" Jim stammers, but he manages to tell the most powerful magical girl in the world where we live. No, no, no, don't bother her with this, why are you making this out to be such a big deal!?
"I'll be there in a few minutes," Castalia says simply, and hangs up on him. Jim finally takes his hand off of my mouth.
"Whyyyyy?" I groan.
"Just… just lie down, okay Eliza?" he asks. Bah. I can't say no to him when he's this earnest. He brings me a pillow and I lie down on our kitchen floor, shutting my eyes. The next thing I know, I'm jolting awake to the sound of a door unlocking and opening.
"Huh?" Jim says, turning towards the sound. "Castalia? Wait, how did you—"
Castalia flies past my brother as he gets up to talk to her, leaning down to stare at me. I can't stop a blush of shame from crawling over my face, the miserable feeling of bothering her seeming so much worse than the pain.
"Sorry," I mumble. "I'm so sorry for this. I tried to stop my brother from calling you, but—"
"It's fine," Castalia says, cutting me off. She stares intently at me, magic churning through the air, and a good chunk of my clothing suddenly glows gold and vanishes, leaving me wearing pants and a bra. Sticky red gunk covers my shoulder, the uncleaned wound either partially reopened or having never fully healed.
"You shouldn't have to—" I try again, but once again I am cut off.
"When I say something is fine," Castalia says evenly, "I mean it."
The feeling of shame only increases, as does my need to apologize.
"But you're retired!" I insist, ignoring the pain in my shoulder multiplying as Castalia telekinetically grasps the bullet.
"…Did you think," she says slowly, something almost like sadness briefly touching her expression, "that asking to retire meant I no longer wished to help you? Did you think I wouldn't want to be there if someone got hurt? I'm sorry. For whatever I have done to give that impression, I can only apologize."
Any words I might have said are swallowed by a gasp of pain as Castalia yanks the bullet free. Blood pours freely once more, but Castalia's magic catches it and holds it in place more firmly than any bandage.
"Uma'tama told me you formed your Catharsis," Castalia comments, moving her attention to my hand. "Congratulations. I think, given the confusion after the battle, they may have forgotten to check you for burnout."
"I'm not burnt out, I'm fine," I insist.
"Then please explain to me why you engaged an armed gunman outside of your incarnate form," Castalia says flatly, "because I cannot think of any other reason."
I try to remember why I did that, but I'm honestly not sure I had any reason at all.
"I just feel awful about you filling in for me," I mutter. "Things are way too hectic right now for me to be taking a break."
"Please don't worry about it. Honestly, I may have temporarily returned to duty even if Uma'tama wasn't forcing you to rest. I think… I might be the reason things have been so difficult for this town."
I grit my teeth as Castalia pulls the second bullet out, yet another spell sinking over my flesh to keep my blood in my body.
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"Hunger seeks power," Castalia answers. "Monsters tend to go after Earth Guardians when they have the option to. They seek sources of magical energy. I think the fragments of the Dark World themselves do the same. There are more convergences here than there should be. I am the likely cause."
"No, Castalia, no way," I insist. "I mean, the more likely culprit is obviously the Corrupted, right? Whatever they're doing to stay attached to this part of the world is probably drawing in the extra fragments, not you."
"Maybe," Castalia admits. "But even in that situation, I can't think of any reason they would choose to specifically stay here if not me. And now that Melpomene is attacking Earth Guardians… I have to be ready to stop her."
"Because no one else is strong enough?" I ask bitterly.
"No. Because she used to be a member of my team."
Oh. I guess that makes a certain kind of sense. I already knew that the Corrupted were all once Earth Guardians, but I didn't actually know another member of Castalia's team was still alive.
"What happened?" I ask.
"She was our blue mage," Castalia says. "I was a green mage back then. And… Thalia was our yellow mage. The three of us were… very, very close friends."
There's a pause.
"Melpomene… didn't take Thalia's death well. I guess I didn't really either. I'm not very good with people, but I should have at least noticed how bad things had gotten for her. Things probably would have been different, if I had just been paying a bit more attention."
I try to experimentally flex my fingers, but Castalia quickly locks my hand in place. No moving, got it.
"Different how?"
I feel bad for prying, but Castalia doesn't really talk much. This seems like a rare moment.
"Maybe we'd still be a team," Castalia answers. "Maybe we'd still be fighting monsters together. Doing it alone is… hard. But doing it with others was harder. I'm sure you know that."
Yeah. I do. When you fight alone, you don't have to worry about anyone else dying, just yourself. It's immeasurably less stressful. Not to mention the thought of joining a new team, after losing my old one… I really did hate the idea, for so many different reasons.
"Melpomene fell deeper and deeper into her research," Castalia continues. "Research she wasn't allowed to do. But she would sneak away into Dark World fragments when she thought no one was paying attention, learning all she could about the Antipathy ruins there. She always loved archeology, anthropology, things like that. Even when we were little. She told me she was going to grow up to be Indiana Jones. From the first time we saw remnants of the Antipathy, she was enraptured. But of course, the Preservers forbid unsanctioned Dark World excursions."
"Because of the corruption," I prompt, and she nods.
"Melpomene… changed. Not just physically. I thought she was grieving, but as time passed her hatred of the Preservers only grew. I didn't understand why she cared so much, why she insisted on breaking the rules over and over again. But I didn't really do anything. I didn't talk to her about it. So when the Preservers suddenly gave us the order to track her down and take her in, she didn't talk to me about it, either. She didn't trust me. She took some other girl I barely knew, and left. I still haven't spoken a word to her since. I've just… been hoping that she'll show up one day. I didn't think it would be like this."
She looks up at my brother, who has been awkwardly standing off to one side.
"Sorry," she says. "I've been a little rude. I got a bit worked up when I heard your sister was injured. It's nice to meet you. Do you have any bandages we could use?"
"Uh, y-yeah, I'll go grab them. And it's okay, I got a bit worked up myself."
Castalia nods, and I feel myself being lifted off the ground.
"I am glad she has such a good family," she says, the tiniest of smiles on her face.
"I do my best," Jim shrugs. "Although, er, if I'm being honest I kind of expected you to just magic her back together somehow. I guess, uh, that was pretty stupid of me."
He clearly tries and fails not to stare at her stump arm as he says those words, but as always Castalia doesn't look fazed.
"Unfortunately, only Thalia ever managed that," she says. "I'm afraid I'm still only learning from her."
"The Corrupted red mage managed it," I blurt before thinking better of it. Castalia's eyes fractionally widen, and she turns to stare at me.
"Really?" she asks.
"I saw her do it," I confirm.
Castalia is quiet as she carries me over to one of our couches and lays me down, accepting the bandages from Jim.
"...That's wonderful," she eventually whispers, her voice soft like she expects it to break something. I say nothing else while she finishes dressing my wounds, magically peeling the dried blood off my body before tying everything up in pristine white gauze. The spell she's using to hold my blood in still hasn't broken, and I suspect she might intend to stay here until everything clots and scabs safely shut.
"I'll be okay," I promise her. "You don't need to waste your whole day here with me."
"I didn't really have any plans," Castalia answers, back to her usual toneless voice. "I think I don't like summer. There's… nothing to do. I want to go back to school."
"Oh," I say. Yeah, I can get that. I can't imagine what retiring must be like. All that free time… it seems awful. "Summer school is a thing, right?"
"I'll definitely sign up next year," she nods.
Jim clears his throat, causing both of us to look his way.
"Okay, uh, I just called out of work," he says. "Boss is giving me PTO. She's the best. Um. Have either of you had breakfast? It sounded like I might have woken you up early, Castalia."
"Oh," Castalia blinks. "You don't have to. I don't want to impose."
"You… Impose? What?" Jim gapes at her. "You just flew halfway across the city to do first aid on my sister's bullet wounds. Do you have any allergies or anything? Because if not I'm making you pancakes."
Castalia pauses, then inclines her head.
"I like pancakes," she says. "Thank you."
"No, thank you," Jim says. "Seriously. Eliza, you thank her too!"
"Oh! Uh, yeah," I manage. "Thanks, Castalia. Really."
"I was happy to help," she assures me. "I am glad that you are okay."
We descend back into an awkward silence as Jim starts heating up a skillet and mixing together various ingredients. I, personally, have absolutely no idea how to cook, but Jim does a pretty good job. I really like living with my brother, honestly. He can be a bit overbearing sometimes, but he's always been there when I needed him. Like today. As a bit more of the fog clears from my mind, I start to latch on to the fact that he probably just saved my life.
Because I'm not strong enough. I'm never strong enough.
But Castalia said she was bored, right?
The thought hits me like a bolt of lightning on a clear day. I… can I really ask…?
Do it. She's not that scary after all.
"Hey, uh, Castalia?" I pipe up.
"Yes?"
"You said you were struggling to find things to do, right? Would you be willing to… train me, maybe? At least until the end of summer?"
Castalia blinks, and then takes a moment to think about it. Holy crap, she's actually thinking about it!
"No," Castalia answers, and the hopes I've been building burst immediately.
"Oh, uh, right, of course not," I manage. "Sorry."
She nods.
"I can't train you," she confirms. "You have been ordered to rest. Come see me in a week. I'll train you then."
The emotional whiplash hits me so hard it hurts my aching soul.
"R-really!?" I gape. "You mean it? You'd do that!?"
She nods, and my heart soars. Yes! Yes! Finally, a way forward!
"I should warn you," she says. "I am not… the best at explaining things. I don't know if I will be a very good teacher."
"That's okay!" I assure her. "Really! Thank you so much, Castalia!"
"Only if you rest all week, though," she insists.
"Of course I'll—"
"I will check with your brother," she threatens.
I wince. Damn.
"I won't let her move from that couch!" Jim chimes in, sounding like he means it. Double damn. What the hell am I going to do with an entire week's worth of time? Oh, well. At least I have something to look forward to at the end of it. That's new.
I kinda like the feeling.
Comments
Quazzy
if they're anything like most people who manipulate children, they won't ever confess to being evil, no matter how many times they have to reform their narrative.
Jayem
Castalia’s situation seems incredibly sad. Her fame and power has seemingly built this prestige around her making everyone think it would be the gravest sin to “bother” her to the point where no one interacts with her at all and despite the fact that Castalia herself clearly wants company she is too socially awkward to figure out how to gain any, opting to remain passive and consequentially alone. Unrelated to this specific chapter but looking forward to Luna and Thea spending another month unlocking her restrictions on magic. Thanks for the chapter.
Ledabot
New emotion unlocked! Hope!
Nait02
Haven't read the chapter yet, but I misread the title in the notification as Dissection and was a bit confused with the parallels to AYEHs current events xD
extantCadence
I mean that's just standard for magical girl stories. The mysterious talking cat creatures convince young girls to put themselves through serious trauma, often asking them to dedicate their life to it, or even sacrifice themselves. I can't imagine it could ever be so uncomplicated as them being purely evil.
Kennyevilmonkey
You know, I will be seriously surprised if it ends up that the magical cats aren't the secret bad guys. The entire time I'm reading, I'm just waiting for Uma to unveil their evil plans for world domination or whatever else.
jthrr
Ah, these poor kids, all of 'em
