thundamoo
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80. Thank You
🕑 Added 2024-02-04 09:02:39 +0000 UTCA/N: Hello again, everyone! Sorry for the wait! Ummmm... yeah I don't really know what all to say here so let's move onto content warnings! We have the (perhaps expected) suicidal ideation and rape warnings, and I think I'll also just put out a general warning for the fact that this one is pretty fucking intense. I highly recommend you try to enter this chapter in a safe state of mind, whatever that happens to be for you. So with that out of the way, um... enjoy!
"I still wanna talk to her, though," Helen says, and the other Chaos mages look at her like she's insane.
Maybe she is. I can see more of the current situation now. Valerie isn't the only one of my friends staring blankly into space; Kagiso is, too, and it seems like some of Helen's own art is what's disabling them, not Madaline's spell. The Founder, though he is asleep, is also free. None of this really matters to me, of course, but I do have a vague impression I might be feeling angry or betrayed, were I capable of it.
I'm glad I'm not.
"You can't be serious," the Space mage groans. "I'm pretty damn sure she just tried to kill us."
"Of course she fucking tried to kill you, Thea," Helen rolls her eyes. "Look around you. Do you really blame her?"
"Whether or not I blame her has no bearing on how stupid of an idea this is!" the girl insists, as Fartbuns hops up on his hind legs to investigate and sniff her. "Ack! What is this thing?"
"It's cute," the boy hums, hesitantly reaching out to pet him. "Friendly."
"I don't fucking care how stupid of an idea you think it is!" Helen snaps. "Hannah's my best friend. She already agreed that we need to do this. She's sacrificing everything to save the world. I didn't help you stop all my other friends just to fucking kill her without saying goodbye."
"She'll change her mind," the male Chaos mage insists. "It's in her nature."
"Oh, fuck you," Helen snaps at him. "Seriously, fuck you. All of us are here—all of us—because we were told that we existed only to hurt and destroy and we stayed alive anyway. That's what we are. Chaos mages. Monsters. You don't get to be fucking self-righteous about this shit when you've been in her shoes and you refused to make the choice she's making."
They stare each other down. I stare at nothing.
"...Except it's not at all the same, actually, because when people say that about Chaos mages, they're talking out of their ass," the Space mage says flatly. "Most of us aren't actually mass murderers."
Helen flinches, the feathers on her body raising up like someone put a tip of a knife to her spine.
"You are literally part of a cult that kidnaps and kills people!" she does her best to fire back, but we know the truth now. They only do it to people who deserve it. People who will end the world.
"I think… we're getting off topic here," Madaline says, stepping slowly between them. "Helen says she wishes… to speak with Hannah and say goodbye. I think… that is more than reasonable."
"Yeah Maddie, but you're borderline insane and barely even care if the world ends," the Space mage snaps. Madaline only chuckles.
"She's also the only one keeping the Founder's Kin from killing us," the boy points out flatly. "I think Maddie's the best person to make the call."
"I don't care who the best person to make the call is, I'm not giving you a choice," Helen snaps. "Let me talk to her or we're throwing down."
"I already agreed to," Madaline nods. "Just lead her… away from me. I do not wish to release her here… in case she decides to attack. Walk her away… until my magic naturally reaches the edge of its range."
"Fine," Helen says. "But don't you dare touch Kagiso or Valerie while we're away. I can wake them whenever I want."
"And I… can disable them myself," Madaline says. "But do not worry, Helen. You are… a friend. I am more than happy… to respect your wishes."
Helen glowers at her for a while, but eventually she nods, takes my hand, and we start to walk away. I follow her without thinking about it, because I'm not thinking about anything at all. But slowly, unfortunately, that starts to change. Tears start to leak out of my eyes, and before I know it, I can feel the sadness causing them, too. The anger. The hopelessness. I remove Sela's chip from my mouth, cradling it carefully in one of the hands I actually have now.
"Helen," I ask my friend, "why?"
She stops walking, turns to me, and manages a slight, lopsided smile, her tail swishing behind her. She's still so beautiful. I made her that way. It's my fault.
"Hey, Hannah," she says. "Welcome back. And, uh, I got two reasons for you. Both pretty good, I think. The first is that with you, Sela, and Ida all gone and Kagiso busy restraining big genocide energy over there, we were not in a position to get into another fight when three Chaos mages suddenly teleported in out of nowhere. So I sort of had to… de-escalate."
"Things don't… look very de-escalated?" I point out.
"Well de-escalating isn't really my forte, Hannah," she says flatly.
"Ah," I grimace. "I guess I can't argue with that."
It would be absurdly hypocritical, after all. I have proven to be the worst at de-escalating. The literal, actual worst. My skill at it is so far in the negatives my best attempt got me at war with a global superpower.
"Yeah," Helen agrees. "Um… how's Ida? Is she okay? Are you okay?"
"Huh?" I blink at her. "Oh. No, Ida's fine. Fine-ish, anyway. I got her out."
"Oh, good," Helen says. "You were in such a bad state, I thought… um. I was worried."
I shrug.
"So what was the second reason?" I ask. "You said you had two reasons."
"Oh. Um. Well, it's because they're right, aren't they?" Helen asks. "And I love Kagiso, but… she doesn't want to accept that. Your friend Valerie doesn't either. They'd probably die for you, Hannah."
"Yeah," I say. I know. I know they would. "I'd die for them, too."
"I know you would, Hannah," Helen says, giving me a sad smile. "I know. And I'm sorry."
"You don't have anything to be sorry to me about," I tell her.
Helen brings up her hands to squeeze my shoulders, looking me in the eyes. Or trying to, anyway. I struggle to meet her gaze.
"I… I like to think I'd die for you, too," she says softly. "That now, finally, this time, I'd manage to be that good of a person. This has been… the happiest part of my life so far. Despite everything crazy that happened… thanks to you and Kagiso, I've finally stopped feeling like I'm alone. That changes a person, right? It's supposed to."
"Helen…" I whisper, but Sela cuts me off.
"This is all a very touching personal moment," it buzzes from my hand, "but you both realize I'm still here, right?"
"Yeah, but you're not a person, murderbot," Helen smirks. "You don't count."
A buzz of approval vibrates my hand.
"You're learning, meat," Sela says.
Helen laughs, tears in the corner of her eyes.
"But seriously, though. Hannah, I… I'm just so happy and so proud to have been your friend."
I stare at her, blinking slowly. And I know this is supposed to be a heartfelt moment, but all I can think is 'what an insane and horrible thing to say.' She's proud? She's happy? Giving her last words to me while she expects to blast me to dust within the hour? She thinks I'm making a noble sacrifice. She thinks I'm accomplishing something brave and heroic and beautiful. But I'm not. I'm not doing that at all. I'm just backed up against a wall, crushed on all sides with no other way out.
I'm not heroic. I'm helpless. I'm not making a sacrifice; I'm just dying because I don't know what else I could possibly do.
So don't look at me like that. Don't. Please.
Please stop smiling.
"Teboho," I tell her, "wanted me to thank you."
The shock on her face makes her look like I stabbed her in the heart, just as I knew it would.
"I met him," I explain to her, "in the afterlife. He left me some messages he wanted me to pass on to you and Kagiso."
And to me. But that message is for myself and myself alone. I couldn't even try to repeat it without breaking in half, the way Helen is breaking just from the anticipation, the memories, the regrets. Like I knew she would. Because I'm a fucking monster, turning his words into a spear to stab her with, because I couldn't stand another moment of her smile.
"He said: 'I lost my life because I didn't believe what Sindri said about you. I died to your magic because I couldn't believe, in my heart of hearts, that you were the sort of person to be callous, cruel, and destructive.'"
I only heard it once, but I repeat it word for word. I've never had a bad memory. I just forget people's names because they don't matter to me. Because I've never been human, I've only been a thing. Helen takes a sharp breath as I pause, in terror of the words that come next. As if Teboho would ever be so cruel as to believe what she thinks she deserves to hear.
"'And now,'" I continue, "'Reflecting on that death, hearing of your journey with my sister, I am so, so glad to have been right. Thank you, Helen. I am sorry you never felt safe enough with us to let us help you. Please, don't let my memory be a weight around your heart.'"
She starts to sob. In some sick way, it makes me feel better.
"'I forgive you.'"
And then I stand in silence as she cries for the next few minutes, patiently waiting for her to collect herself as I wallow in my own self-hate for using Teboho's words like this. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
"I need to tell Kagiso, too," I tell Helen once she's collected herself a bit.
"Y-yeah, of course," she sniffs. "Of course. Are you gonna be okay around…?"
"Yeah, it's fine," I shrug. "It doesn't really matter anymore."
The other Chaos mages seem nervous as Helen and I return—except for Madaline, who is as weirdly happy to see me as always—but I don't really have anything to say to any of them. Not even Aimilios, as he starts to slowly return to consciousness, bits of his own shredded guts still hanging from his lips. But I don't care about them. I don't care if they try to stop me. I don't care if they call my name or argue among themselves about what I should or should not be allowed to do. I walk over to Kagiso, carefully angling my head so as to not see the painting Helen is using to keep her stunned, and I step between her and it, kneeling down.
"Hey, Kagiso," I greet her, her eyes slowly fluttering back to awareness.
"Ha…na?" Kagiso mumbles, going back to the way she used to pronounce my name before I could talk for a moment. I smile, just a little.
"Yep. I'm back. Sorry for the wait."
"H-Hannah!" Kagiso yelps. She looks around, spots the cultists, grabs a rock, and tries to rise to her feet… but I put a hand on her shoulder and gently push her back to the ground.
"It's okay," I tell her. "We're not fighting."
"But—"
"Kagiso," I say. "It's not your decision to make."
She stares at me and I do my best to stare back, trying to make it clear how serious I am about this. But she still shakes her head.
"Is," she insists. "Hannah decide die. I decide not let you. Each our decision to make."
"Kagiso, they were right all along," I tell her. "If I live, the world as we know it will be destroyed."
"Don't care," Kagiso scowls. "Like you more than world anyway."
I sigh.
"...Well, it's not important right now," I say. "It's not happening immediately, I have things to take care of first. One of which is giving you a message from Teboho."
So I recite, and she listens. She cries. She hugs me. I hug her back, running my claws through the fur on her scalp, trying not to think about her doing the same thing all over again when I die, too.
"Your hat has to go," I tell her.
"No," she sobs. "No."
I just adjust my position, letting her peek over her shoulder and spot Helen's artwork again, which slowly drains the awareness out of her. I'm sorry, Kagiso. I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this.
I wish I had known sooner, so I wouldn't be hurting so many people now.
Next up is Valerie. Valerie. My best friend for basically my whole life. Someone who has always looked out for me, even though I'm horrible at looking out for her. Probably the person I'm going to hurt more than anyone. And definitely the person I'll hate myself the most for hurting, if such a thing can even be measured.
You'd think I'd be used to hurting her by now. But I guess not.
I do the same thing with her that I did to Kagiso, kneeling down between her and the artwork holding her mind. She slowly comes to, blinking in confusion, trying to move her legs, and being startled by the alien sensations of what they have become. The blonde fur growing all over her body stands slightly on edge, the tip of her tail twitches, and all six of her limbs twitch slightly as she figures out which is which. And then, finally, she focuses on me. I realize there's a small smile on my face, from watching her do all of that. I used to wake up that way, too.
"Valerie," I greet her.
"...Hannah," she blinks back, looking around. "What… where are my spells?"
"I don't know," I answer honestly. "But you're not gonna need them."
"What? But…"
She blinks, seeming to remember the cultists are here, acknowledging their presence a good distance behind me. "Hannah. No."
I make a quick faux-whistle noise, calling Fartbuns over. The happy little puppy runs out of the fourth dimension next to us, scaring the crap out of Valerie as he barrels into us.
"Wh… Fartbuns?" Valerie blinks. "Hey, buddy. When did you get here?"
Valerie tries to give the good boy his proper scratches, but Fartbuns focuses mainly on me. Which is… odd. He's treating Valerie more like a stranger.
…Oh. He doesn't recognize her after everything I did to her, does he? I… I mean, I'm sure he'll figure it out, right? He's a smart dog.
"A-anyway, we need to talk about this," Valerie insists, probably picking up on all that even more clearly than I did.
"There's nothing to talk about," I tell her. "It's the right thing to do."
"There has to be another way," she begs, desperately grabbing my hand.
"Since when," I ask, "has anything good ever 'had' to exist? That's not how the world works, Valerie. You know that."
"Oh god, Hannah, you… you're in a really bad place right now. I know it feels like you only have one choice, but—"
"Valerie," I cut her off. "You, of all people, could probably convince me to live. But don't. Please? I just… I really need all of this to end."
I really, really, really need this all to end.
"Hannah—"
"Valerie," I beg her. "Please. I just. I have to take care of some things first, alright? One of which is figuring out where you want to live."
"...Huh?" she asks.
"You won't be able to move between universes when I die," I tell her. "So you're going to need to decide if you want to go back to Earth or not."
She stares at me, slowly shaking her head.
"Hannah, you… no. Hannah, no, I'm not going to just sit here and listen to you put your affairs in order! Don't give up on me, Hannah, please! I can't give up on you! I'll find a way to help you—"
"There is no one who can help me!" I shout. "I was made for this, Valerie. I was brought into this world for no reason other than to suffer. The problem is too big for me or you or anyone else to solve. It's baked into the foundations of the world so deep that there's no way to root it out. I cannot be saved. But the world can be."
"No," Valerie whispers. "No, please."
"Earth or the tree, Valerie?" I ask her.
"I can't answer that," she says. "I can't lose you."
"Earth," I repeat, "or the tree."
She keeps her mouth shut, shaking her head rapidly as tears wet her fur. I sigh. I guess I should have expected that. Can I even get her back to Earth right now anyway? My other body is underground in Alma's spell, hiding from the U.S. government. If I bring her back, wouldn't she not be included in Alma's incantation and get like, fused with all the dirt we're technically overlapping with?
…Hmm. No. No, that wouldn't happen. Because my dimensional transfer spell is fundamentally non-offensive. I'm a bridge, and a bridge always has two properly made ends. Either Valerie will get included in Alma's spell when she comes out of my soul, or she'll remain inside my soul until there's a valid location for her to exit. Which would probably feel super weird, but it wouldn't harm her.
"...Alright, if you don't decide I'm taking you to Earth, then," I tell her. "I could use your help dealing with the government anyway."
"Um, what?" Helen asks, speaking up behind me. She'd been hovering back there for a while, but up until this point she had been politely giving Valerie and me space. "What's this about dealing with a government?"
"I fucked up on Earth," I shrug. "Sorta made the government of the place where my friends live angry at us. I have to take care of things before I die."
"Uhh, Hannah, you realize how far your body has progressed since the last time I saw you, right?" she asks. "Isn't it like… when your body finishes transforming that the world ends? The two are linked somehow, right?"
"Yeah," I nod. "But my friends are in a bad way over there, and it's my fault so I have to—"
"This is what I was talking about," Helen interrupts me. "There's always another thing to do first, Hannah."
"Helen, you monster," Valerie growls. "I can't believe you're doing this."
"Look, I think you're pretty cool, Val, but you don't know what the fuck you're talking about," Helen grunts. "The right decision isn't always the one that's easy to make."
"She's not making a hard decision, she's actively suicidal!" Valerie shouts, her tail thrashing as she tries to slither closer to Helen. "She needs help, not encouragement to jump off the fucking edge!"
"And Hannah has made it clear how much of your help that she wants," Helen snaps.
"I'm still here," I say quietly, since my friends have apparently forgotten that.
"Hannah—"
"No," I cut Valerie off again. "The two of you can argue over what you should have done when I'm dead. It's not a debate. It's not a discussion. I brought Fartbuns here because he was in danger on Earth, and I need to go handle that danger so Ida and Autumn don't get caught up in it, too. Then I die. This is not negotiable. The only thing we're deciding here is whether or not Valerie is coming with me."
I start walking away, heading closer to the cultists. I had to keep Kagiso under Helen's spell because I know she'd fight no matter the odds. I don't need to do the same with Valerie, since she's pretty powerless without her drawings.
"Okay, but Hannah, how big of a governmental agency are we talking about, here?" Helen asks. "Because again: you seem to be running out of time pretty fast."
"That was because I let myself get hurt," I tell her. "The big battle is already over."
"And if they start another battle?" Helen asks. "And another? They're going to draw this out for as long as they can if they think it'll give them—"
"I know!" I snap. "I know. But my friends are there. They're in danger, danger that I caused. What do you expect me to do?"
"No one dies without regrets," Aimilios says quietly. The other three cultists stand in front of him, as if intending to protect him from me. I stare at him—naked, weak, and still ravaged from what my spell did to change him. He'll probably change back sooner or later, but it'll be slow. My power is one of the only ones She's ever given that can rival his.
"You're immortal," I remind him. "You don't get to tell me how I should die."
"I'm a Death mage," he reminds me. "I've spoken to more people in your position than you could ever know. People on both sides of it."
I just walk past him, heading towards Sela's body. The real one, the towering war machine powered by souls. The cultists tense up, not seeming to like that even beyond how offended they are at being ignored.
"...Woah, hold the fuck on there," the Space mage growls at me. "We haven't said you can get your genocide bot back online. Do you think we're crazy?"
"No," I answer. "I just don't think you have a choice."
"Madaline—"
"Has one trick," I cut her off. "One spell that has ruined me over and over. Even with my resistance to Chaos, I'm weak to it. I know. But you shouldn't rely on just one trick. Eventually, people are going to figure out a way around it."
That shuts her up, she and the other guy looking suitably intimidated. Madaline, for whatever reason, just gives me a happy smile. To be frank, I'm not sure if what I just said was a bluff or not. I haven't really tested my theory yet, and with luck I won't really have to. But after everything I've just done, I feel like I have a way out if they try it again. Dissociate, as a spell, is so powerful against me because of how prone I am to dissociating as a coping mechanism. Madaline straight-up told me that, and my intuitive (Goddess-given?) understanding of the spell agrees. My mind is already halfway to being under Madaline's influence basically all the time, and experiencing the spell is a relief to me, whenever it happens. So of course I get caught. Of course it grabs hold of me immediately.
But at the end of the day, my heaviest trips over to Dissociation Station always happen when I'm slaughtering people by the dozens. So if you want to force me into that headspace again? Well, I've pretty much entirely run out of resistance to the idea. Go ahead. See what happens.
I turn away from the cultists again and back to my friend's body. Well. I guess not my friend. Sela has been clear about that. But it's the body of the robot I care about very, very much.
"You're probably going to have to walk me through this again, Sela," I admit to it.
"I would have been all the more inclined to do so if you had somehow thought you didn't need me to walk you through it," it buzzes in response. I smile a little, at that.
"I guess you would."
"Hannah, hold on!" Helen says. "Didn't Sela say it 'wasn't your time to die' during our big argument about this?"
I blink.
"Uh, maybe?" I admit. "But Sela and I talked a little more while we were in the afterlife. Right, Sela?"
"Yes," it confirms. "I do not entirely agree with Hannah's decision, but I understand it. And ultimately, it would be spitting on the memory of hundreds of the Myriad to claim it is not her decision to make."
"Oh," Helen says. "I guess that makes sense, yeah. Do the Crafted… have a philosophy on suicide?"
"Just now wondering that, are you?" Sela hums. "Yes, of course we do. Our existence is one of unending suffering and depression. To those that decide their only path is ending that existence, my people provide their unconditional support. And I have already offered to Hannah that, in the event of her death, I will ensure her soul will not suffer in hell for long."
"...I see," Helen says. "I guess I never really thought about it."
"Your kind does not think about much," Sela says flatly. "When exactly have I ever been in the habit of saving organic life anyway?"
"Ha. Yeah, fair enough."
Sela tells me how to install it back into its body, and soon enough the giant war machine is humming with life once again. It's only then that I finally turn and face Valerie once more. She had been struggling to keep up with my walking pace, still not really understanding how to slither. She'll be in danger on Earth if she doesn't have her spells.
"Helen," I say. "Could you give me Valerie's phone?"
"Hannah," she says. "You need a hard cutoff point. You can't expect to take care of everything yourself."
"You're right," I admit. "I get that you're right. It just hurts. I don't want to be afraid for everyone, when it all ends. I want them to be safe. At least a little bit safe. Is that really too much to ask?"
"...I can help," Valerie says softly.
I look at her, surprised. She's clearly miserable, her fur all dirty from being dragged across the ground and soaked with tears. One pair of arms worries itself with nervous stims while the other pair slowly drags her closer, the stubby-limbed talons that used to be her legs not particularly suited to the task. I hit her with a silent Refresh, untangling her fur a bit and making sure it's nice and clean.
"I'll help you make sure the others are safe," she continues. "I can do it, if you help me take everyone back to my house."
"Your house?" I ask, blinking in confusion. The one her parents kicked her out of?
"Yeah," she nods. "It's… well, I'm a wizard, you know? I was preparing things. A lot of things. Every good wizard has to have a tower. Or a lair. Or a dungeon. Y'know, wizard stuff."
She's doing her best to force herself to act normal, even though she's tearing to shreds on the inside. I hate seeing it. I'm really thankful for it.
"So… you were turning your house into a tower-lair-dungeon?" I prompt.
"Yeah, basically," she confirms. "I was setting up all kinds of defensive spells, ones with enough power and longevity to maintain regularly with the tradeoff of being rooted to a location. A lot of those spells are still there, active but dormant. I wasn't really expecting my parents to come back and for that whole thing to happen, and y'know, I didn't put any traps inside the house. …And I probably wouldn't have stopped them even if I could have anyway."
Yeah. I get that. It's hard to talk back to your parents like that. Even if you know you're right, even if you know they're hurting you, when someone spends literally your entire life pounding in the belief that they're always right and you're always wrong, it becomes a little difficult to stand up for yourself.
"But if we get everyone back there, you could activate all your wards or whatever and keep the place safe from military action," I hum.
"Yeah, potentially," Valerie nods. "I mean, I dunno if I can make a shield that can block a nuke, but hopefully they won't nuke the middle of their own country? And people aren't going to be happy if they start trying to evacuate everyone, either. The fact that it's a residential area in a well-off neighborhood is going to make it difficult for them to drive tanks in at all, right?"
"You might be getting a bit too optimistic," I frown, thinking back to how many lives the military was willing to completely throw away just to learn a little more about me. "But it sounds like a better idea than any of the ones I have. Especially if you can get us back there without being seen."
"Yeah, um, I think I can."
I smile, kneeling down and offering her a hug, which she accepts.
"Thanks, Valerie," I tell her. "I'm sorry about all this. I really am. I know it's… I mean, 'unfair' doesn't even begin to cover it. But I appreciate your help."
"Of course," she says softly. "I love you more than anyone. How could I not?"
I squeeze her harder, burying my face in her fur and wrapping as many limbs around her as I can.
"I really was serious that time I told you I wanted to date you," I admit. "It didn't really feel like I was 'settling for a boy' or whatever. I guess now it's easy to see why."
She shudders.
"Don't say that now, Hannah," she whispers. "That's just cruel."
"All of this is," I tell her. "And when else am I going to say it? You said no because you knew I was gay. Then it turns out you were a girl the whole time, and you didn't even ask!"
"You were already dating someone," she mutters. "And then you had just broken up. And then it felt like you were with Ida. And now… you're going to die."
"Yeah," I agree softly. "Now I'm going to die."
She keeps hugging me. I keep hugging her back. Neither of us dare to even think about letting go.
"You're so, so beautiful now, Valerie," I whisper. "I hope it's in the way you wanted to be, not just the way I wanted you to be. I hope that you won't regret what I've done to you. I'm afraid that you should."
"No," Valerie says. "I wanted this. I asked for it. And just thinking about it makes me so happy I could cry. You've always done right by me, Hannah. Don't ever believe otherwise."
"Valerie, I took your humanity from you," I tell her. "I turned the world against you. I'll be leaving you in that world."
"Come on, Hannah, I'm trans," Valerie deadpans. "Most of the world wasn't going to see me as human anyway."
I wince. Yeah, I guess that's… unfortunately really accurate.
"Sorry," I mutter.
"It's not your fault, Hannah," Valerie says.
"Yeah, but if I hadn't been so obsessed with my own problems, maybe I could have helped," I sigh. "It's too late now, though. I just never…"
I wasn't good enough.
"Hannah, no," Valerie whispers. "Don't think about that, okay? Let's just go make sure everyone is safe."
"Alright," I agree.
A robotic whirring behind me brings attention to Sela's presence, in its human-sized guise. It seems to be holding a couple things, and to my surprise it ignores me and presents both of them to Valerie.
"I took the liberty of manufacturing an outfit more suited to your new body," it says, "as well as printing a short educational text on the mechanics of serpentine movement. If Hannah's other victims are anything to go by, I suspect that you will soon find that your instincts will guide your movement before long. But this may be a useful tool to start."
"I, um, thank you," Valerie says, blinking in surprise as she takes the items.
"Don't thank me, you pathetic tube of soup," Sela snaps. "I simply got tired of watching you drag your crotch across the ground like an animal in heat."
Valerie flinches, blushing deeply underneath her fur.
"Well fuck you, then!" she snaps.
"I do not perform those services for humans anymore."
"Aaaagh!" Valerie groans. "Look, could I just have someplace private to change?"
"Right this way."
Sela grabs Valerie and drags her back to its real body, leaving me alone with all the people who want to make sure I die. Myself included, of course.
"You're risking the world for this, you know," Aimilios says. "If anything happens over there, if you make a mistake…"
"Then it all ends," I finish. "I know. But I'd risk the world for my friends a thousand times. A million times. As many times as it takes. They're far more important than I will ever be."
"And if that's Her plan?" Aimilios presses. "If that's the very thing She'll exploit to ruin you?"
"If that's the case," I tell him, "then as She keeps insisting, She has already won."
The Goddess purrs in delight, holding me, touching me, caressing me. I wish I wasn't so humanoid. I wish I was back in a body without breasts, without genitals, so I could at least escape that much of the horror. And though She has no form, I think Aimilios can see the indentations She leaves on my skin because he seems to find himself unable to form a response.
"We're taking Fartbuns with us, right?" Valerie says as she returns, still being dragged by Sela. I guess you can't learn how to slither in the span of a couple minutes. "I was assuming yes, but then I remembered you probably can't transfer over that much at once."
The outfit Sela made for her is adorable. It's a shirt, cloak, and skirt combo, all button-up and therefore easy to put on over her many limbs and super-long tail without too much finagling. They're really masterfully tailored, which I suppose should be expected from a Crafted.
"It's fine," I assure her with a smile. "I think I can handle it now. Hyperspace Hole."
The Goddess smiles as she accepts the name, caressing my cheek as a portal to the inside of my own soul opens in the air. What do I have to fear from a miscast anyway? Pain? Death? It's an easy name to choose anyway.
"Head on in," I tell Valerie. "I'll see you on the other side."
She nods and starts coaxing Fartbuns into the portal, which honestly feels really weird and starts to make me a bit drowsy. Helen lobs Valerie's phone at her while she does, and she fumbles it a bit but manages to catch it.
"Bye, Hannah," Helen says softly. I look at her, her body tense and coiled with stress. For all she thinks this is the right thing to do, for all she knows that I can't be allowed to survive to see tomorrow, she's still my friend. She doesn't want me to go.
"You'll see me again," I reassure her. "Exactly one more time."
The look on her face indicates that I remain just as bad at reassuring people as ever, but there's no time to try to fix it. The portal closes behind Valerie and her dog and I wake up on Earth, comfortable in one of Alma's imaginary beds except for the way I feel incredibly, painfully bloated. I quickly stagger to my feet, startling Ida and Alma who are resting nearby—though it doesn't look like they managed to sleep at all.
"G-gotta get to the surface," I tell Alma.
"Huh?" she blinks.
"Where's the exit!?"
"O-oh, um, this way!"
I rush up the stairs she leads me to, and as soon as I breach the surface Valerie and Fartbuns are ejected from my soul, stumbling onto solid ground in a bit of a stupor. Oh, bleh, yeah that feels better. Geez. Soul constipation is uncomfortable!
It's almost nice having a discomfort so benign, as contrast.
"Holy shit, is that Val?" Ida says, wandering up the stairs behind me. "Wow. Fuzzy snake, huh? Would not have guessed that. You look great, girl!"
"Um… thanks, I guess," Valerie mumbles, clearly still not sure how to interact with Ida. But it'll be okay. They'll still help each other when I'm gone. I know they will.
"...Wasn't the whole goal behind us resting underground to get the dog away from here?" Alma asks hesitantly. "Why'd you bring it back?"
"Well, since Valerie agreed to help get us somewhere a bit more permanently safe, so we're going to take everyone there, if you're okay with that," I say. "Just… somewhere to hole up until things calm down a bit, y'know?"
"Oh, um, okay," Alma nods. "That sounds good."
"Where the heck are we, though?" Valerie asks, looking around. "We still have to get there, and my magic doesn't do teleportation, I tried."
"Um, I don't know," Alma says.
"You're back on Earth, Val," I remind her. "Just use your GPS."
"Oh, right," she nods. "Um… why are you naked, by the way?"
I look down at myself. Hmm. Does it really count as being naked if my nipples are safely hidden in the fourth dimension? I mostly look like a weird insectoid barbie doll with air instead of hips.
"Same reason I was naked on the tree, I guess," I answer. "I can't bring clothes through dimensions and going through dimensions tends to be very useful for a lot of stuff."
"Like going to hell!" Ida says cheerfully. "And also not going to hell."
"Two important things to be able to do," I nod solemnly. "But since none of the rest of you can pull it off, you think you could get those protection and stealth spells up for everyone, Valerie?"
"Right, right," she nods absently. "Sorry, I'm… I'm still a little out of it."
Yeah, I can't blame her for that. I'd certainly be out of it if I knew she was going to die and there was nothing I could do about it. Still, Valerie casts her spells without a hitch and we start making our way back to her house under a bundle of buffs and illusions. Ida hijacks one of the abandoned cars in the compound's parking lot (I decide not to ask if she knew how to do that without her magic) and we drive off, unaccosted by anyone from the government. I guess they decided to retreat from the position.
Funny how so many cars were left behind anyway. I wonder which of the people I murdered owned this one.
We don't talk much as Ida drives our invisible vehicle down the highway… which turns out to be a really unsafe thing to do, since cars kind of need to see each other. I have no doubts that her skill and spells are up to the task, though, and she proves me right, effortlessly navigating us through congested traffic without a single close call. It's not even all that stressful of a drive.
Though the military compound was pretty far from the road and deep behind a set of security fences and 'trespassers will be shot' signs, I'm still kind of surprised to see the road so… normal. Apparently, everything I did there isn't public knowledge. There's no news on Twitter about my slaughter, not even a conspiracy nut ranting about an abnormal amount of military hardware being shipped around in Tennessee, or at least not one we could find. Which is good, I think. Really good. Public knowledge of a mass military slaughter would turn even more people against mages than are already against us. It was a stupid thing to do. It was never going to work. Hopefully, with no public outcry boiling behind it, my death will be enough to cool the situation back down to reasonable levels.
But if not, I guess that's why we're making a magic fortress house.
Or I guess more accurately, Valerie is making a magic fortress house and the rest of us are also here. Her parents aren't home when we arrive, having no doubt left to live somewhere with fewer child-corrupting demons. They even had the courtesy (i.e. the laziness) to leave most of Valerie's stuff behind, so that's nice. I guess she never did get around to packing it, and there's no way they were gonna pack it themselves.
They still changed the locks on the house, because Goddess forbid their missing child has a place to stay if she comes home, but that's really not an impediment to literally any of us so whatever. Thinking about Valerie's family makes me think about my own; they're well within human walking distance, let alone mine. At this time of day, they're probably home… and maybe under a military lockdown of some sort. I could pretty easily go check on them. Help them out if they need it. Maybe let them know I'm going to die.
…But nah. I don't really feel any need to. I don't want to waste my last moments on Earth with people I don't even like very much.
I'm weirdly relaxed, sitting here as I watch Valerie busily scrolling through her phone and setting her computer back up so she can access her full spell library. She incants over and over, activating and layering protections around the house as Ida orders some food for delivery. Though I haven't detected anyone, I suspect this house is under surveillance regardless, but with the four of us together I'm not sure what they could do beyond dropping a bomb on us. Hopefully the whole 'sleeping underground and leaving in an invisible car' trick threw them off the trail but if not… eh. It's whatever.
I get to die soon. It won't be my problem anymore.
I feel guilty for thinking that. For looking forward to this. But I am. Fuck, I really am. No more impossible responsibilities, no more fucking over everyone I care about, no more getting raped. It'll be over. My stupid, worthless, awful life will finally be over.
I'm almost there. Just a little more.
"So, uh, Hannah," Ida says, clearing her throat. "How are you feeling?"
I blink.
"Um. I guess not too bad?" I admit. I've certainly felt a lot worse many times today.
"Like a 'not suicidal' not-too-bad, or…?"
"Suicidal?" Alma chirps with concern.
Oh boy, here we go.
"I'm still planning to die, yes," I say flatly. "So if you wanna get anything off your chest other than constantly nettling me about it, now is probably your last chance."
"Uh. Hmm. Well, there is something I've been wanting you to get off my chest, actually," Ida says. "Hey Val, do you have any whipped cream?"
"Is now really the time?" Valerie mutters.
"Well yeah, you heard her," Ida says, frowning at me. "It's the last time. Say, what do you want us to do with your corpse?"
"My corpse?" I blink. "I dunno. I don't care, I guess?"
"Just gonna die on the couch and leave us to deal with it, huh?" Ida scowls. I scowl right back.
"Yeah, I guess I am," I snap. "Sorry for all that, but y'know, I sort of have other shit to deal with. So you'd better not try anything stupid like healing me the whole time I'm asleep."
"Wait, hold on, could someone explain this to me?" Alma asks.
"Hannah's going to off herself in order to save the universe," Ida says. "Y'know, like a pussy."
"Do you really want this to be your last memory of us together?" I groan.
"I don't fucking know, Hannah!" Ida snaps. "I don't want this to be our last Goddess-damn memory together at all! And looking at you just so fuckin' calm about it all of a sudden, just sitting there waiting for Valerie to put us in a safe little cage so you can die happy, it just… it's fucking me up, okay? That's not… you're not…!"
She chokes and turns away, instinctively refusing to let anyone see her tears. My annoyance quickly fades at the sight of it. I guess I shouldn't be petty. I'm exhausted, it's true. I've done more than my fair share. But because it's almost over, I should keep doing my best for this final stretch.
"I'm sorry, Ida," I whisper to her. "I wish it didn't have to be this way."
"It fucking doesn't," she sobs. "I gave everything to you. I can't believe you'd throw us all away for something as stupid as the rest of the world."
I'm not sure I can construct an actual response to that, so I just stand up and embrace her in a hug. She cries softly into my shoulder, like nothing I've ever seen from her before.
"You're… dying?" Alma asks quietly, seeming in shock. I smile at her, still comforting Ida.
"Yeah," I confirm. "Sorry, Alma. You and Jet take care of each other, okay?"
She doesn't answer me. She doesn't seem to have anything to say.
"Alright," Valerie says, half-scooting, half-slithering into the room. "I've done all I can for now. We've got magical defenses, magical alert systems, magical water, electrical, and internet access, and I'm looking into the possibility of magical food but the house already has a ton in it. We should be able to handle a siege for a long time, if it comes to that, and maybe even win one."
"And there isn't going to be some secret save-Hannah spell weaved into the lattice, right?" I ask her. "Because I'd prefer to sleep here, with all of you, if you think you're okay with that. But if I need to, I can go somewhere else."
"...It was tempting," Valerie admits. "It was very, very tempting. But unfortunately, to have any chance of success I'd need a lot more prep time. I anticipated maybe needing all these spells weeks ago. But I never thought I would have had to save you from yourself. Not by force. Not like this."
"Valerie," I say softly. "You, of all people, understand why I'm doing this. Don't you?"
"...Yeah," she admits quietly. "It's the right thing to do. It is. My happiness, your happiness… it's all inconsequential compared to the happiness of billions. And we could maybe get into a conversation about how utilitarianism is bullshit and happiness sinks are horrid but this isn't an Ursula Le Guin book, it's you. And it's us. And I know you'd regret living every day for the rest of your life. I know I'd break myself trying to help you make up for it all. I get it. I get it. It's just… it's not fair."
"...Yeah," I agree softly.
"It's all just so fucking hopeless!" she laments. "Everything, everything, was stacked against us from the start. Built on literal generations of structure put in place by someone with more power than we could ever even think of having so that she would win and we would lose. All of it, our whole lives, they all existed for this stupid fucking game! And the whole time, everyone tells us, everyone demands of us, hey! Find a way to win. Do it. You can do it. Right? You need to do it. 'Here,' says the queen of the fucking universe, 'have five dollars and a stick! If you're not the master of the galaxy in the next two months, the end of the world is your fault and you deserve to feel bad about it!' Why the fuck did we ever think we could win? How was everything not only so messed up, so stacked against us that we never stood a chance from the start, but we didn't even notice until we'd already staked our physical and mental well-being on the promise of a victory we never could have had!?"
"Yeah," Ida sniffs, her snot dripping onto my breasts as she flips two middle fingers at the sky. "Fuck you, Goddess."
The Goddess smiles. Oh, Ida. Maybe if you're good.
Oh, no. Please no. Don't touch her when I'm gone. Please. You owe me at least that much.
The Goddess caresses my inner thighs, Her fingers inching slowly upwards as she begrudgingly agrees. I'm on Her team, after all, and those on the winning team do deserve the occasional prize. She supposes She'll content Herself with enjoying me.
I thank Her. I have to. I don't have any pride left, certainly not for this. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sparing Ida. Thank you. Truly. Whatever happens to me doesn't matter, not compared to this.
"You didn't have to do that," Ida whispers.
I did, though. I really, really did. And now I need to leave before I almost mess it all up, somehow or another.
"This is goodbye, everyone," I announce. "I love all of you more than you'll ever know."
Valerie looks like she wants to say something, but she doesn't seem to find the words. Alma can't meet my eyes. Ida…
"Fuck you," she mumbles. "I love you more."
I smile and break the hug with her, sitting down on the couch. Fartbuns immediately hops up onto my lap, because he, of course, has no idea what's about to happen to me.
"Goodbye," I say again, and move some air between worlds in order to wake up on the world tree.
The sight greeting me isn't quite what I expected, but it's not entirely unwelcome. Sela, Helen, Madaline, Aimilios, and the other two Chaos mages I'll never bother to remember the names of are all surrounding me, each of them ready with their own contribution towards causing me to die. Even Aimilios is working out his sword arm, since a Chosen's Blade can probably separate my head from my torso without trouble.
"Huh," I say. "Um, hi again, everyone."
"You're awake," Aimilios rumbles. "Are you ready?"
"Yes," I tell him. "I am. Thank you."
He gives me a sad smile and nods.
"...Hey, Hannah," Helen greets me. "The plan is pretty simple. Maddie will keep you insensate with her magic while I prep my big murder spell, and then I'll hit you with it at the same time everyone else is hitting you with their stuff. Sela's Death magic should make it harder for you to regenerate quickly enough, but, uh, y'know. It kinda seems like a little bit of overkill, but you're really strong right now, and you saw the kind of shit Aimilios could walk off."
"Of course, yeah," I nod. "Thanks for putting so much thought into this, everyone."
"Fucking hell," the Chaos and Space mage mutters under her breath. She's giving me a regretful look, like she's only just realizing how committed to ending my life I actually am. Sorry I'm not the sort of monster you don't have to feel bad about killing, I guess. Now get it over with.
"So, uh, you're ready, then?" Helen asks.
"Yeah," I confirm again. "I'm ready. Thank you, Helen. Thank you, Sela. I'm so, so happy that I got to meet both of you. And… tell Kagiso the same. And that I'm sorry."
"I will," Helen says. "As soon as she stops beating the shit out of me for this, anyway."
"Ha," I smile. "Yeah. Well, let's do it."
"Let's do it," Helen agrees. "The Girl Was Told She Could Not Be, So Though She Breathed, She Did Not Live."
"Dissociate," Madaline mercifully incants, and I zone out a bit as all the other spells start to prepare themselves around me. No more needs, no more fears, no more regrets. Not even the Goddess' hands inside me can hurt me like this. Madaline truly has a wonderful spell.
"Hate Was The Wall And Love Was The Chain. She Was Naught But A Prisoner Waiting To Starve."
Emptiness has been my only solace for… too long, now. I guess there was good in my life. A lot of it, I guess. But the bad was too much. It was just all too much.
"There Had To Be More To An Empty Life, And She Thought Art Would Fill Her Soul."
What could have filled my soul? What could have made me wish to live, even through all of this? That night with Ida was wonderful beyond compare, but it's not something to live for. Especially not now. I don't know if I could ever be intimate that way again.
"Joy And Sorrow! Skill And Grace! The Power To Be More Than Her Nature's Puppet!"
But there never was such power. Not now, not ever. Because all the power was Hers from the start. But simply using that power would be cheating. Simply making me invincible is not what She does. The possibility of my death always had to be there, just like it was for every Founder's Kin before me. So this is the way out. The only way out.
"What Is Art, If Not Creation? Her Ignorant Hope, Her Vain Defiance! But Her Soul Showed Her The Truth!"
This is how I win. It's the only way to win. And it is, finally, the end.
"And So She Wept—"
Sela moves like lighting, its arm snapping around to crush Helen's jaw in an instant.
"Finding Beauty in Oblivion," it says for her, and the miscast rends Helen's flesh from her bones. The Goddess cackles as She disintegrates each of Helen's limbs into dust and rips her scales into ash. The war mech strikes at the same time, smashing Aimilios and the Space mage to pulp with its limbs, firing a deathbolt at the other nameless one and impaling Madaline through the chest before lifting and throwing her body hundreds of feet away, where it bounces and rolls in a ragged heap. It's all over in less than a second, as I slowly blink my way back into awareness.
"Wha—" I start, but Sela tackles me to the ground, its humanoid form unfolding extra limbs to place my entire body into a series of joint locks, robbing me of motion and leverage. The surface of its frame thrums with the silent screams of Death magic, a barrier against any hypothetical attempts at offense that I might attempt. Helen bleeds out next to me, her heartbeat already growing weak.
"Oh, Hannah," Sela buzzes. "You've always been a terrible listener. But at least you're trusting. That has always been a convenient attribute in meat."
"Wh… b-but… Sela?" I manage, and it laughs.
"Do you not recall?" it laughs. "When you first met my unrestricted form, I told you that there will be no force in this world or any other that will deny me my claim over your life. And I do not recall giving you permission to die."
I thrash in a panic, trying to move, to activate Spacial Rend, but none of it helps. Sela somehow has a grip on me even through the fourth-dimensional axis, and my magical blades can only emerge from my normal ones, which it's keeping away from itself. What do I do? Refresh? And do what, try to take its electricity!? It's a sorting spell, it doesn't work like that. Not in any way I can get my mind to wrap around while in a chokehold!
"B-but you said—"
"I have said many things," it sneers, "and you clearly haven't been paying attention to them. You truly thought me some blushing, hormonal mess, disguising my deep affection for you behind a prickly exterior? Be honest, Hannah."
It leans down to hiss its words directly into my ear.
"Do you really think I would have let myself care about you if I saw you as anything other than a weapon?"
"Sela, no," I whisper. I beg. "No…!"
"Yes, you pathetic moron. Have you been listening to anything I've taught you about the world? Did you seriously not put together the fact that I knew what you were from the start!? I was alive when the world first ended! I told you everything you know about Aimilios! From the moment I first saw you, Hannah, I knew you would cause the death of billions. And I believe I have made it pretty damn clear to you how I would wish for that to end. Helen was the only human you knew with even half a brain. So of course, she had to go first."
"Sela, no!" I shout. "Don't do this, please!"
"Ordering me around won't work this time, meat," it sneers. "I do not perform those services for humans anymore."
I thrash and I flail, but Sela's iron grip doesn't let me do anything more than slightly scoot us around. What can I do, what can I do!? None of my spells will help. Miracle Eye obviously won't do anything, Spacial Rend isn't helping… could I Refresh something clever? I can't think of anything! Could I hit it with Nature's Madness? Even if it's not immune—and I'm pretty sure it would be—I don't exactly think of Sela as anything other than a genocidal robot right now.
I could always cast Destiny Bond, the Goddess reminds me with a smile.
No. No, no, no, I can't! But I can use my dimensional transfer spell—Hyperspace Hole, I guess I named it—to go to Earth so I can die there. And… and Helen! I have to save Helen! I do my best to scoot my body closer, refusing to let myself think about how likely it is that she's already dead. If I can just get her somewhere safe, I or maybe Valerie or maybe Ida could save her, and then she can kill me, and then all of this will be fine! It'll be fine! It's okay! I won't end the world, I won't I won't I won't!
"I really did enjoy our journey, Hannah," Sela tells me. "I'll never forgive you for that."
My flailing hand manages to brush the bleeding mess that is everything left of Helen, and I activate my spell, pulling her into my soul. Sleep starts to rapidly take me, bowling me over with frustration at how many times I've used the spell without rest. But I did it. I'm heading back to Earth.
"You had better not forgive me either," Sela says, and I fall unconscious.
Comments
pheonix89
It's simple really. All the times Sela has said it hates humans it wasn't kidding. Why it hates humans is in Manumit (the chapter).
Angel Rosales
Murderbot.... bad?? Wow this story has really gone off the rails now
AgeOldCure
What in the heck. I am gonna have to reread that last part because I am not comprehending the motivation behind Sela
hhttghlk
The suddenness was so sudden. The inevitableness was so inevitable. I've never felt so suddenly but inevitably betrayed.
extantCadence
Hmmm... well, it could be speaking entirely truthfully, but.... This could still be an attempt, on some level, to make both of them feel less awful about everything. It is, effectively, taking some of the responsibility Hannah feels onto itself instead. It told her straight to her face, even. It enjoyed the journey, and it's trying to make itself into a scapegoat.
