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Epilogue: One World
🕑 Added 2024-03-10 19:19:41 +0000 UTCA/N: We're here. We did it. Check the bottom of the chapter for the "what happens now" chat. For now, here are the content warnings: mentions of rape, mentions of suicidal ideation. Thank you all for reading, and enjoy the final chapter of Bioshifter.
Waking up from sleep—real sleep—is such a strange and slow process. Even now, after months of getting used to it, I find the transition somewhat uncomfortable to think about. When I had two bodies, sleep was a purely binary state: a body either is asleep or is not asleep and the other body is the opposite. But now that I'm whole, the lines are no longer quite so clear.
Am I truly conscious in those liminal, half-remembered moments where a sound catches my ears but fails to open my eyes? Am I conscious when I find myself so comfortable curled up in bed, wrapped tightly in Valerie's tail, that I deny the first opportunity to wake and drift back into slumber? Or are those fleeting seconds of awareness just another dream, a misremembered falsehood weaved into fiction by a resetting neuron?
I don't know. I don't know how to know. Dreams are such odd things, and on a whole I quite despise them. I don't need as much sleep as most people but Valerie insists I get some regularly and it's always a little easier when I'm curled up in her tail.
Not in her arms, though. Never in her arms. I can't sleep if hands are touching me. Of course, the nightly hallucinations I'm generally privy to are rarely kind to me either way, but as nightmares go there are certainly some that are worse than others.
Sometimes I dream about the people I've killed. Sometimes I dream about the people I've let down. Sometimes I dream about what I'm afraid my friends think of me. Sometimes I dream about losing my limbs and being human again. Sometimes I dream about death. Sometimes, on the worst nights, I dream about Her.
Just thinking about that makes me tense, instinctively expecting a witty rejoinder. Some mocking 'oh, how lovely for you to dream of me, dearest.' But it doesn't come. It won't. For now, I'm safe. I'm thoroughly awake now, but I snuggle deeper into Valerie's coils and keep my human eyes closed anyway. I'm in no hurry to get up today, as last night was one of my luckier ones. I slept well, and I think if I nod off again I probably won't dream much at all between now and someone else in the house forcing everyone else up. So slowly but surely, I start to nod off again.
"WAKE UP, BITCHES! Y'ALL GETTIN' BREAKFAST!"
I yelp as Ida's shout startles me awake, and then I yelp again as Valerie's tail nearly squeezes my spine in half. We spend about five seconds panicking thoughtlessly before our brains catch up to the words, at which point we stare at each other and grin. Breakfast! Okay. Yeah. I'm super down to getting woken up for a hot breakfast.
"Uh, s-sorry for squeezing you so hard," Valerie stammers, uncoiling from around me as her four arms push her a bit more upright.
"Oh, you're fine, you're fine," I insist, smiling as I let my fingers run through her fur as she pulls away. "I don't sleep with a snake to not get squeezed. Plus, y'know. Immortal."
Valerie gives me a serious, considering look, because I tend to only say the i-word if I'm having a good day or a really bad day. But today feels like a good day, at least right now, so I give her a broad grin until she smiles back.
"Fair enough," she says. "Let's go get breakfast."
We flop out of bed, take off our pajamas and get into something comfortable to start the day. I can't tell what most of the rest of the house is doing thanks to the wards Valerie put on everyone's bedroom walls, but I'm pretty confident that Helen is getting up on her own (if she isn't up already) and Kagiso, of course, is still very much asleep.
"I'm gonna go wake up the Kagster," I tell Valerie. "You wanna come with? I'll carry you upstairs."
"I'll pass today," Valerie yawns. "What do you think Ida's making?"
"It's Ida, so… something overly complicated or extravagant. And she's probably doing it in her underwear. Refresh coming!"
"Thanks," Valerie smiles, and I hit her with a quick spell to untangle her fur and get her presentable for the day. "I guess it was stupid to ask, huh? Ida will be Ida."
"Why would she ever want to be anyone else?" I smile back. "See you in the kitchen!"
I head upstairs and knock on Kagiso's door, waiting until I hear a sleepy trill of acknowledgment before opening up the door and heading inside.
"Time to wake up, Kagis—ah!"
I jump back in a panic as Kagiso tries to grab me and pull me into her bed, and her head pops up from her pillow with surprise.
"Oh! Sorry Hannah," she says groggily. "Thought you Helen."
"It's alright," I assure her, my heartbeat slowing back down.
"Someone say my name?" Helen asks, poking her head into the room.
"Helen!" Kagiso cries out, her four arms all making grabby hands in her direction. "Hellllp. Bed too cozy."
"Alright," Helen smirks, walking over and grabbing two of Kagiso's arms.
Immediately, her other two arms latch onto Helen's wrists and try to yank her into the bed as well, but Helen, having clearly anticipated this, just sets her stance and yanks back, forcibly pulling Kagiso into the cold, cruel air of the bedless morning.
"Noooo!" Kagiso shrieks with mock despair. "Cruelty! Evil!"
Helen lifts Kagiso up and lifts her up over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes, one arm over her butt as she carries the flailing dentron out of the room.
"Evillll!" Kagiso cries, her limbs flopping around as Helen wordlessly carries her downstairs to breakfast. I chuckle and follow them downstairs to where Valerie is coiled up at the kitchen table and averting her eyes from Ida, who is simultaneously cooking a unique breakfast for everyone while wearing literally nothing other than an apron.
"Seriously, Ida," Valerie mumbles. "Why?"
"Uh, because I'm trying to seduce you, duh," she answers. "Is it working?"
"Ida!" I mock-gasp, turning the corner into the kitchen. "Are you making sexual advances on my girlfriend!?"
"Unrepentantly, yes!" she answers, dumping the current contents of the blender into a huge glass and sliding it across the table to Valerie. "One banana breakfast smoothie, optimally textured."
She slides a couple plates over next.
"Bacon and eggs for our carnivores, scrambled and fluffy for Hannah, over-easy on ham for Helen. Kaboom kabam!"
"I want meat!" Kagiso demands immediately.
"You had meat yesterday hon, but I can do you a gooey tomato salad and a YouTube video of someone dissecting a frog."
She slides a bowl and a phone over to Kagiso's seat, the video already playing. The dentron squeals in delight and sits down immediately.
"Thanks for breakfast," Helen nods, sitting down next to Kagiso. "It smells incredible."
"Seriously," I agree. "Perfect as always, Ida."
"Aww, thank you, Hannah!" she coos. "Can I fuck your girlfriend?"
I laugh.
"You already have my permission. You need Valerie's."
I still can't bring myself to be intimate in that way. I feel bad about it, like I'm not being a good girlfriend to Valerie or a good friend to Ida. I know that's stupid. It's not even really that important to Valerie in the first place, and Ida would probably punch me if I tried to apologize for not being comfortable with sex after everything that happened. But still, if Valerie does decide she wants to do that sort of thing, I refuse to hold her back. It surprised me to learn, since I assumed I'd be the jealous type, but the thought of the two of them getting together mostly just makes me smile. I guess it makes sense, though. I love both of them more than anything in the world.
I knooow," Ida groans. "I'm working on it! I just never expected it to be this hard. I mean, she spends all day drawing half-naked monster girls already! How am I not already under her skirt!?"
I chuckle at that. Like she'd be anywhere near as interested if it was easy.
"You could always give up and pick someone else to bother," Valerie mumbles.
"Why, fuzzbutt?" Ida smirks. "You want me to stop?"
Valerie pointedly says nothing and Ida's grin gets wider. Mine does, too. I love all my friends so gosh dang much. We eat our breakfast together, laughing and joking and enjoying the start of the day together. When everyone is done, I'm put on dish duty… because of course it only takes me a few seconds to clean everything, at which point we work together to put it all away.
"Welp, I guess I should go get changed," Ida sighs dramatically, playing with the knot on the apron.
"What, not planning to go outside in that?" Helen smirks at her. "And here I thought you were completely shameless."
"I'm mostly shameless," Ida answers easily. "I'm just gonna visit my mom and dad, is all."
Ah. Yeah. Helen nods at her and I reach over to give her a hug. Much like my family, Ida's parents are trapped in amber, dead but perfectly preserved in the moment of the universal merge. Her father sits perpetually on the porch of her old home, eyes staring with distant worry and a cell phone face down in his lap, waiting for his daughter to come home.
She visits a lot. I could do the same with my family, but outside of apologizing to Yuki I couldn't think of anything to say. Valerie's parents, somewhat predictably, are the only ones to have survived the apocalypse, though the wards around our house physically prevent them from entering. Helen suspects that her family survived, but she hasn't made the journey to see for sure yet. Kagiso keeps offering to go with her, but she has yet to get a response. Helen hasn't visited her family in a very long time.
We've all got our own issues, struggles, and fears. But honestly, I think that's a big part of what holds us together so tightly. We understand each other. We know how to care for each other because we need that care ourselves, too. And we're happy to give that time and attention out, because we know that when we're hurting, it will be given back to us.
People who haven't been hurt try their best, but sometimes talking to them feels like speaking from the other side of a brick wall. As I always have, I struggle to get along with anyone who isn't as severely fucked up as me. But maybe, just maybe, that isn't as bad of a thing as I thought.
The doorbell rings, surprising me at first until I see who's waiting on the porch.
"Oh, that's Lana!" I perk up. "I guess she couldn't wait for today, huh?"
"Can you blame her?" Valerie asks, stretching up on her tail to put the last of the dishes up on the top shelf. "Thanks again for agreeing to help her out like this, Hannah."
"Uh, yeah," I agree nervously. "You, uh. Are you sure this will work?"
"Hannah," Valerie says, giving me a soft smile. "You told me that you were sure it would work. So yes, I am."
"...Alright," I concede, taking a deep breath to center myself and heading over to answer the door. On the other side, Valerie's close online friend compulsively scratches at the light stubble on her chin, which both of us know shouldn't be there.
And I'm going to fix that today.
Lana moved out here all the way from California, partly to be near us but mostly because her house ended up underwater after introducing a continent-thick tree into the ocean and the ice caps getting microwaved into oblivion. Which, yes, completely fucked up the global weather patterns in ways I don't really understand. It's still hot and muggy here in Tennessee, if supposedly much hotter than usual, though with the branches of the world tree towering above us slowly starting to bud new leaves, I suspect a big chunk of the country will be covered in a perpetual green overcast before too long. I'm sure there have been experts arguing about what that's going to do, but I haven't really paid too much attention to it. I can't stop it, and it can't stop me, so what does it matter?
I open the door for Lana, giving her a soft smile that she returns with a bright grin. The more I hang out with her, the easier it is to see how she and Valerie became such great friends. They have very similar thoughts in regards to tabletop games and very similar abilities to ramble about them for hours at a time, letting me curl up cozy in Valerie's tail with a mug of warm broth and listen to the two of them chatter happily until the sun goes down. It's nice, and while I'm not really sure Lana is my friend, exactly, I don't need her to be for this to work. I like her, and I like how happy she makes Valerie, and I want to give her a body she will love.
There are dozens of better Transmutation mages for helping someone like this, but Lana chose me anyway. I'll do right by her. I have to.
"Hi, Hannah!" Lana says excitedly. "Sorry if I'm a little early!"
"No worries at all!" I answer honestly. "You're always welcome here. Valerie is—"
I stop, someone I never thought I'd see again entering the edge of my sensory range. No. No, no, no. Not here.
"Get inside," I order Lana.
"Huh?" she blinks, confused by the sudden change in tone. I'm annoyed at that for a moment before I remember that it's good she isn't used to this kind of thing.
"Get inside and tell Valerie to activate the defense wards!" I snap, stepping past her to intercept the threat. She jolts but finally seems to understand, rushing into the house as I make my way to the sidewalk. Seconds later, a magical shield shimmers into existence around our property, but it probably won't stop him. I know it wouldn't stop me.
"Aimilios," I growl, the man flanked by a few members of his cult that I recognize. The smooth talker and the soul torturer. I forgot their names. "What are you doing here?"
The six-armed man stops on the other side of the barrier, raising his hands at me palm-first. It takes me a moment to register that it's a gesture of surrender.
"Peace, Hannah," he says calmly. "It's already done. We lost. There's nothing for anyone to gain by hurting you now."
"You'll have to excuse me if your particular entourage makes that difficult to believe," I say, glowering at the man who tortured me for so long in the cultist's base. He shrugs unrepentantly.
"He did not have much choice in the way of company, thanks to you," the man answers evenly, but Aimilios gives him a sharp scowl and he turns away.
"Apologies, Hannah," he says. "I promise, we're not here for that. You did everything you could. You attempted the most noble of all sacrifices, and I am the one who let you down. If anything, I feel indebted to you."
I sigh, finally relaxing a little. They really, genuinely don't seem here for a fight. They're just here because they're idiots.
"You're as fucked up as ever," I tell him frankly. "You should definitely feel indebted to me, but 'I failed to help you kill yourself' is not why."
He blinks, not seeming to know what to say to that, so he ultimately decides to move on without acknowledging it.
"...Regardless, while we are here for our duty, our duty is no longer with you," he says. "Another apocalypse will be coming, won't it? Please, if there is anything you know about what is to come, I ask you to share it."
I sigh, running my fingers across my gossamer faux-hair, flicking it a bit at the ends. Valerie slithers quickly out of the house towards me, phone in one hand and sketchbook in her lower paws, looking ready to kill someone. I hold up a hand to stop her from doing anything rash.
"Hannah!" she shouts. "Are you alright? Is everything…"
"It's fine, Val," I promise her. "You can drop the wards. Come on, Founder. Let's talk inside."
Valerie stares at me in surprise, but I give her a confirming nod and she lets the shield shimmer away into standby mode. Aimilios and his cronies approach us, but I point at the humans and glower at them.
"Not you two," I snap. "Fuck you two."
"That's fair," smooth talker agrees, while soul torturer just looks at Aimilios. Aimilios nods, and the two of them stay away from our house without a fuss.
I stare up above as we walk back, automatically looking for something to distract myself from the dozens of painful thoughts just being near this man opens in my memory. The sky is always a nice distraction, in times like this. I don't think it will ever stop being strange to look up and see an ocean in the sky.
It's beautiful, of course. Even at night, the calm waves of the Skysea twinkle almost like our lost stars as the countless luminescent beasts living within signal Goddess-knows-what to one another. Much like life on the world tree, it doesn't get very dark anymore; being fully encased in something as reflective as water means that we still get at least a dim hint of sun even in the dead of night, barring the daily eclipse. And the day, by contrast, is remarkably bright, intensely warm in ways that I can't feel all that much anymore but the rest of the world very much can.
I suppose it isn't any sort of surprise to me that the Goddess saw the man-made apocalypse we were making on our own and decided it was a wonderful idea, turning global warming up to eleven without even needing us to pollute to pull it off. After the tree and the pillar directly caused the obliteration of so many countries and cities, the weather had to go and claim the lives of countless more.
And yet, humanity continues on.
"Did Madaline survive?" I ask as I lead the way to our porch.
"I'm not sure," Aimilios says. "I did not find her corpse when I regained consciousness."
So yes, then. That makes sense. Sela's a smart bot; it didn't throw her body far away after impaling it for no reason. The Goddess loves Madaline and She wouldn't have let the girl die to something as boring as a sucker punch. It knew to cover its bases, in the likely event that the mortal wound somehow fails to stick.
I'm not sure if I'm happy or worried about Madaline surviving. I guess… happy? Man, Stockholm Syndrome runs deep.
"What's this donkweed doing here?" a now-fully-dressed Ida asks as Aimilios walks in behind me.
"He won't be here long," I promise. "Just go see your dad, like you planned. I'll be fine."
"...If you're sure," Ida agrees, heading out with a frown. Kagiso glares murderously as we enter the kitchen, and Helen just wordlessly escorts her away to avoid a fight. Reliable as always.
"You want anything to drink?" I ask. "Water? Juice? Tea?"
"It is nice to have household running water again," Aimilios muses. "Though I would warn you to be careful. Many places on your planet are suffering deadly diseases from Stonerot eating the pipes."
"Val's got a spell for that," I shrug. "She's got a spell for everything."
"She is a remarkable mage," Aimilios agrees, and I pass him a glass of water as he sits down. "So. My first question. When is it?"
"About nine years from now," I answer. "Maybe a little less."
"Right, yes. And a year is… three hundred… something?"
"Three hundred sixty-five and a quarter days," I answer.
"That is… very oddly specific," Aimilios frowns. "Why?"
"Because that's what a year is," I shrug. "It's how long it took our planet to orbit our sun, back in our universe."
"A planet orbiting a sun," Aimilios hums. "How interesting. Do you know anything else about what will happen?"
"Yeah," I nod. "I have my guesses. You're not gonna like them, though. I know I don't."
"This has never been about what I will and will not like," Aimilios says. "I am responsible for two apocalypses now. I must not allow a third."
I start microwaving a mug of chicken broth for myself, frowning as I let those thoughts stew a bit. Aimilios seems content to wait and let me think, which I appreciate. A couple minutes later, I sit across from him and take a sip of my tasty boiling meat juice, savoring it a bit before swallowing.
"You aren't responsible for any apocalypses, Aimilios," I tell him. "Neither of us are."
I don't entirely believe the words, not really. But the people I love and trust insist they are true. Even if their claims feel wrong, I won't disrespect them by calling them liars.
"Ah," he says softly. "I'd wondered what allowed you to so comfortably sit idle. I suppose I cannot blame you for choosing to deny such a responsibility."
"No, Aimilios," I tell him gently. "You're not the noble martyr choosing to forge on towards what is right while I deny my call to heroism. You're just an abused and traumatized man who hasn't gone to therapy."
He exhales through his nose, clearly irritated.
"Hannah," he says, "I will not ask you to fight alongside me. I will not tell you that you are wrong for living in comfort while you know the world's fate. You are a child. This never should have been your fight. But someone must fight it. Nothing you say could convince me to stop."
"Mmm," I hum, taking another sip of hot broth. "Well, a few points of order: one, I'm nineteen. Certainly a lot younger than two hundred but legally not a child in my culture. Two: I suspect that when the time comes I'll be fighting alongside you whether I like it or not. And three: I never said you shouldn't fight. I just said that the end of the world has not ever and will not ever be your fault."
I set the mug down and stare him in the eyes.
"The Goddess caused this," I tell him firmly. "Not us."
"What does the cause matter," he asks, "when we could have stopped it and failed?"
"Could we have stopped it?" I ask. "Should we consider ourselves failures to have not prevented the actions of a literal Goddess? The difference in power and knowledge between her and us is greater than that between a parent and their child, but I doubt you'd blame a six year old for not stopping his father from beating his mother."
He sits quietly for a while, drinking his glass of water. When he finally starts to speak, I know I won't like his words before he even says anything.
"The spell that maintains your immortality," he says. "What did you rename it to?"
I go still. Of course he knows. Destiny Bond no longer exists; I can't pull any more universes together if I tried. So in its place, when it changed to be something else, it only felt right to change the name, too. But I've never spoken it out loud. I never plan to.
And of course, telling him here would prove my hypocrisy. His equivalent is named The Eternity I Deserve. Mine…
"...That's none of your business," I hiss softly. "You came in peace, Aimilios. Let's not devolve into any situation where we need to speak spells."
He nods, conceding the point.
"I think you understand me, though," he says. "You know full well that I cannot discard my regret so easily."
"Aimilios, the first time around you didn't even know!" I insist. "You thought She cared about you. I know you did, you named your spells after Her. You were tricked by an omnipotent monster for Her amusement and you never even knew it was happening. How could that possibly be your fault?"
"The signs were there. I could have—"
"Aimilios," I cut him off. "No. You couldn't have. You're not a mass murderer. You're a victim. You should talk to a professional about all this."
I miss Dr. Carson dearly, but I know she would have wanted me to continue getting help. And though the world has countless new problems and dangers, from deadlier weather to deadlier wildlife, our society still largely remains. The internet is damaged, especially intercontinentally, but it still works and I still found someone new to help me. They aren't Dr. Carson, not by a longshot. But they help. They help a lot.
"Hannah," Aimilios says firmly, "I am just here to learn what you know. Please, stop trying to reassure me. I have things I must do."
I sigh and nod, not having expected much else. It certainly took me a damn long time to get help, and I'm not sure Aimilios has the sort of friends I needed to take that step. And as much as I pity the man… well. I don't particularly want to be his friend.
"Unfortunately, Aimilios, you and I will likely be out of the action when the next game rolls around. I did my best to set the stage for the Goddess' defeat, but as much as I talk a big game about fault and responsibility, a big part of why I'm here instead of preparing for a fight is that I know I can't be the one to give it to Her. And I think you can't be either. We've been granted ten years to enjoy and heal. I'm using them."
I take another deep drink of broth, the scalding heat barely enough to be pleasant as it sinks down my throat. It grounds me, keeping my mind on the conversation, the things that need to be said rather than the memories I don't want to relive.
"I see," Aimilios says with a frown. "In that case, is there anything you know of the next of us? Her next game's key piece?"
"Ah, that's the beauty of the plan, though," I smile at him. "The next Founder's Kin isn't the only way to stop Her anymore. I doubt She has much experience dealing with Her own pain, so anyone in the world could be the one to manage it. Let's see how much fun She has with the anthill after the whole colony realizes it's been kicked."
"That's… hmm," Aimilios hums. "I think I see. How did you ever get Her to agree to that?"
"Her own mistake," I shrug. "She made me to know Her a little too well."
"I will prepare my people," Aimilios nods. "Thank you, Hannah. This information was invaluable."
"Mmm. Don't hurt yourself too much acting on it, alright?"
"I cannot die," he reminds me. "What reason do I have to care about pain?"
"Because it hurts," I say. "And it turns out that's a pretty important reason after all."
He gives me a smile of polite disagreement, and departs. I sigh, returning my attention to my mug. It's a really nice mug, full of really tasty meat juice. For now, that can be enough.
"You okay?" Valerie asks softly, the tip of her tail curling around the stool I'm perched on, her need to coil warring with her desire to give me space.
"It's not the best thing that could have happened this morning, but yeah," I confirm. "I'm okay."
"Yeah," she agrees, "you seem okay. That… makes me pretty happy. You've been doing a lot better lately."
"Mmm," I agree, taking another sip. "Hard to believe it's only been a year."
"It really is," Valerie agrees. "Is it weird to say I think it's been a good year? Like, the world is objectively a lot worse, but…"
"We're doing a lot better," I finish for her. "No, I don't think that's weird."
She smiles at me, and I smile back. In that moment, I feel an unexpected urge to kiss her. Which I could do, I suppose. She is my girlfriend. I just freaked out a little the last time we tried, and… y'know, all the times before that. Intimacy is weird and complicated for me now. It's hard to know what I can and can't do, but a kiss has very much been in the can't pile all year. I turn away from her and drink the last of the broth in my mug.
"We got a letter from Alma and Jet," Valerie says. "Wanna open it with me?"
"Oh! Yeah, definitely!" I grin, finally peeling my eyes away from the bottom of the cup. "They're still traveling, huh?"
"Looks like it," Valerie confirms, opening the envelope with the claw on her thumb. She pulls out a postcard with a picture of Alma and Jet on it, Alma using the body and Jet as a magical construct. They're sitting on a large rock, high up on a mountain, their fingers intertwined between them as they smile at the camera. "Oh, they're in the southern Rockies. That's pretty cool."
"Geez, look at how cute they are together," I smile. "When did Jet get so sappy?"
"Not sappy enough to actually leave us a note, but it sure seems like they're having a good time together," Valerie agrees. "They were in Canada the last time they sent a letter, right? Think they're heading back our way?"
"I hope so," I say. "It'd be great to catch up with them again."
"I'm sure they'll randomly show up one of these days," Valerie smirks.
"Yeah. They seem a lot happier since they moved out of town, though."
"That's not your fault, Hannah," Valerie assures me. "They'll come back to visit. They wouldn't be sending us cards if they didn't care about you."
I nod. Yeah. That makes sense.
"Well," I say, standing up and stretching my limbs, "I suppose I've kept Lana waiting long enough. Where is she?"
"She's in the backyard," Valerie answers. "Also, I know I just said I believe in you, but to double check: you sure you're good to go? If you need a couple hours after what just happened…"
"Nah, I'll be fine," I promise her. "Meeting Aimilios and his asshole squad doesn't change anything about how I feel about Lana. I'm pretty sure I know how things are going to go."
"Oh?" Valerie asks. "What's she going to turn into?"
I wink at her.
"You'll see."
She sighs and slithers after me as I head for the backyard, smiling as I watch Lana play with Fartbuns. What a poignant place to transform someone. This is where I caused Alma to grow her tail, after all, and that was the start of our problems together. I couldn't control myself or my power, and while she seems to like her body now it wasn't a decision she made for herself. It was something I forced on her out of my own weakness.
This is my shot to do something good with Nature's Madness. Not just good, but actually thought out, informed, and planned. I know Valerie is happy with how things turned out, but that was a manic moment of passion that very easily could have gone horribly wrong. Helen, likewise, is used to what I did to her, but that was an act of desperation, not something she chose.
Lana has no such qualifiers. I have full knowledge of how Nature's Madness works now. I have explained everything to her: what she might gain, what she might lose, the countless ways in which this could go wrong, and the alternatives I could help her get access to. She chose me anyway. I am, by her insistence, helping her in the way she wants to be helped. Not even I can twist that into something selfish on my part.
So I've spent months with her, getting to know her and appreciate her in all the ways I can. I've learned to see past her face and her voice and pay attention to the person behind them. I have watched her and Valerie enjoy their time together until I couldn't help but be happy to have her around.
I have made sure, in the deepest parts of my heart, that I would love to see her fly. And though I'm terrified beyond measure that I'll still screw this up, I'll still ruin her body, I'll still prove myself to be incapable of anything other than inflicting pain… well, I can't keep a smile off my face as I watch her and Fartbuns run around. If there was any time to prove I can do this, it's now.
"Hey, Lana," I call out to her. "Are you ready?"
"Hannah!" she smiles at me. "Yes! I mean, absolutely! I couldn't be more ready."
"And… I mean, I know we've been over this, but you get that you almost definitely won't come out of this as a vampire, right? You're gonna be, y'know, an actual monster?"
"I still say vampires count as 'actual' monsters," she insists, "but yes, I'm ready. I know you wouldn't do this if you weren't ready either."
"Okay," I say, holding out two of my hands. She takes them in her own. "Are you particularly fond of anything you're wearing right now? Because this will probably cause a wardrobe malfunction."
"Valerie!" Lana calls out. "Your girlfriend is asking to see me naked!"
"She can already see you naked," Valerie deadpans back. "She always sees everyone naked."
Lana opens and closes her mouth without saying anything, a blush starting to grow in her cheeks as her blood vessels inflate.
"I somehow forgot about that," she admits. "Go and ruin my joke, why don't you? Uh… I guess I'll…"
She lets go of my hands and starts awkwardly taking her shirt off.
"I can lend you some spare clothes that I've ripped a few holes in already," I offer, having mercy on her. "You can change inside."
"Yeah, um. Thanks," she says, and Valerie leads her off to find something else to wear. I sit down, petting Fartbuns as he immediately tromps over to me, panting happily.
"You think I can do this, boy?" I ask softly.
"Boof!" he says, because he always believes in me.
"Yeah, you're right," I agree. I can do this. I will do this.
Unless I'm not good enough.
Lana returns in much less nice clothing and I stand up, walking her out into the backyard and taking her hands. The world tree looms right next to our house, a massive wall emerging from the ground literally right next door. But not even something as titanic as that matters more than this moment, this turning point for the power I was given. I used this to curse so many people, and I loved it, deep in my heart. In the same ways I wanted my friends to understand my euphoria, I wanted the people I hate to understand my pain. And if I'm being honest with myself, I wanted my friends to understand that, too. Nature's Madness is, fundamentally, a truly selfish spell.
So let's see if I can do some real good with it. I ignore the thumping of my heart and the tightness of my chest, and I smile at Lana.
"Alright," I say. "Here we go."
I cast the spell without an incantation, simply letting the power flow out of my soul. I'm so powerful that an incantation would be extreme overkill, but more importantly than that, the Goddess doesn't deserve to be called to this moment. I know She's going to watch, but She can damn well do it quietly and without invitation.
Lana's hands, held loosely in my own, are the first to change. Her face lights up with fascinated delight as they twist and shift, getting just a little thinner and a little longer as hooked claws sprout from the tips of each of them, the biggest on her thumb. She flinches and lets out a small squeak of pain as they burst forth, but I give her hands a reassuring squeeze.
"You can tell me to slow down whenever," I remind her.
"Don't," she breathes, a smile on her face. "Go faster."
So I do, pouring more magic into her and watching her shudder as gray fur sprouts up her arms, crawling towards her torso and neck. Wherever they pass, they start twisting her body into something more traditionally feminine—thinner, softer, and of course with that exact sort of chest that I happen to like. She shudders and twitches as everything grows, letting out a few more adorable involuntary noises before I finally start to see her muscles and bones reshaping under her skin.
"Alright," I warn her. "It's about to get intense."
"It's not already—aah!"
I have to hold on a little tighter as she almost doubles over, new limbs twisting and cracking out of her back. They seem to be long, oversized arms, but when the hand starts to form the fingers won't stop growing. Longer and longer, something alien and horrifying twitches out from her back, and for a moment I'm terrified of having doomed her after all before I see how her ears are starting to elongate and grow, enormous concave triangles that could only be one thing.
"Well, I guess you kind of get to be a vampire," I smile at her.
"What?" she squeaks, her enormous bat ears twitching as membranes start to grow between the 'fingers' on her new limbs, turning them into wings.
An adorably tiny tail emerges from her butt, her enormous wing membranes connecting all the way down to the tip. Again, she shudders, the changes cascading down her legs like wildfire, making her thinner, lighter, fuzzier. And then the last change of all happens when her incisors fall out of her mouth, briefly gushing blood before they're replaced by two much longer fangs.
"Vampire bat," I smile. "I should have guessed. You're an adorably squeaky vampire bat."
Lana's enormous ears twitch this way and that, doubtlessly picking up on countless new bits of information with every errant sound. She seems a bit too overwhelmed to answer, so I wait quietly, watching her heart rate to make sure she's not having a panic attack. But thankfully, it doesn't look that way. She's just adjusting, and eventually she looks my way again, her ears swiveling to face me as well.
"This is… a lot," she manages, speaking very quietly.
"Is it too much?" I ask nervously.
"No," she insists. "No, it's… it's incredible. I…"
Her wings open up and she staggers a little, seeming startled by their presence.
"...Am I gonna be able to fly?" she asks, and the hope and excitement in her words shatters my stress like a hammer to glass.
"Yeah," I promise her. "Yeah, you are."
Valerie approaches us and I let her take over, excitedly chatting with Lana as I step away and sit down to pat Fartbuns. None of that was physically taxing for me in any way, but I still feel exhausted. It's a good exhausted, though. I had really built that up in my mind, terrified that I could never pull off something so simple as helping a girl get a body she likes even though I've literally already done that with Valerie. But this time, it wasn't a mistake, or a fluke, or me just getting lucky. We worked for this, and it paid off. I did it.
I helped her.
Tears start leaking out of my eyes before I can stop them, and though I'm tempted to Refresh them away I decide to just let them fall. The water clouding my humanoid eyes doesn't prevent me from watching Lana excitedly patting herself down, squealing with delight when she finds her fangs, and nearly shocking herself enough to fall over when she presumably hears the echo of that squeal with her new chiropteran senses. It's a shame that Alma and Jet aren't back yet. I'm sure that both of them would have loved to help Lana learn to fly.
Most of the rest of the day is everyone in the house coming by to chat with Lana and help her adjust to her new body, either through being actually helpful or just letting her revel in what she is now. Helen shares her experiences with weird new senses, and how she figured out that she kept swishing her tail to better pick up on movements in air currents. Kagiso seems to enjoy lifting Lana up into the air and running around, commenting on how small and light she is now while she helps Lana's wings get a feel for the air. Ida, of course, mostly just shamelessly flirts with her, happily offering to be bitten and drained of blood… though I suppose it's ostensibly in order to figure out how much of her diet might be affected by the change, which is admittedly an important thing to do.
I can't help but think, as the hours pass and the sun moves ever closer to the horizon, that it has been a very good day. Perhaps one of the best days I've ever had. Just… in my whole life.
I blink, the thought forcing me to do a bit of a double-take. Is that really true? The smile on my face and jubilation in my heart makes it difficult to deny. After everything I went through last year, after being tortured and tormented and broken and raped, hating myself to the point that I tried everything I could to end it all… I'm having a truly wonderful day. A day that's better than anything I had before.
Tomorrow probably won't be this great. It's a bit of a scary thought, really. Good days come, and good days are wonderful, but I know this won't be the end of the bad. Tomorrow I might wake up torn apart by my own nightmares, a shivering wreck all morning and a sobbing mess all night. I have days where I can't get out of my own head, where the phantom feeling of Her touch never leaves my body, and the temptation of putting my claws to my throat flares up with frightening strength. I'm afraid I'll never stop having those days, and it's very likely that I won't.
But there are days like this, too. There really are. The bad doesn't go away, but it gets better.
"You doing alright?" Valerie asks me, sidling up next to me with her arms wrapped around her torso.
"Yeah," I tell her honestly, reaching out and taking one of her hands. I give it a bit of a squeeze, and Valerie knows that means she's allowed to squeeze me, so soon enough I'm wrapped up in a fuzzy, serpentine cocoon. Being a snake has made her so much cuddlier. It's really nice.
"You've been sitting off by yourself a lot," Valerie comments.
"I've been thinking," I confirm. "Not even about bad stuff, for once."
"Aw. That's really great to hear."
"Yeah," I agree. "Hey, Val?"
"Hmm?"
"Can I kiss you?"
She gives me a surprised look, and a few more words fall out of my face on their own.
"O-only if you want to," I backpedal. "I mean, I know I freak out over that, and I don't wanna make you have to deal with me having a panic attack since it's been such a good night, but I just thought—"
"Yes," Valerie answers. "You can kiss me."
I stare at her. She smiles at me.
"Okay," I say, and we lean closer to each other. Carefully, cautiously, I bring my face up to hers, Valerie doing most of the work of guiding us together since she has me completely wrapped up. And when our noses almost touch, and the desire within me doesn't suddenly twist into wild, writhing panic, I close the last of the distance and put my lips on hers.
Our first kiss is just a couple seconds long, a simple touch with only a light pressure. But we do it, and the entire time I don't think of the Goddess. I just think of Valerie, and how incredibly lucky I am to have her in my life.
I start to cry again. Valerie immediately becomes worried and pulls away, but I quickly grab her.
"N-no, it's okay!" I promise her. "It's okay. Good cry. This is a good cry. I'm happy. We did it. I did it."
"...Really?" she asks.
"Yeah," I nod vigorously. "Yeah. Thank you. I love you so much, Valerie."
It's okay. It's going to be okay. Because sometimes I won't be okay, and things won't be beautiful, and my heart will try to tear me in two. But in between them, there will be these brighter days, and I believe that next year there will be more than this year, and the year after that will be better still. I have people in my life who care about me, and together we will make our lives something worth living.
The Goddess is still there. She hasn't gone away. But my life doesn't have to revolve around Her. I played Her game, I lost, and it isn't the end of my story. Maybe someday a hero will come and finish what I started, but that's not me, and that's okay.
"I love you too," Valerie smiles, and I laugh without knowing why.
Tomorrow might suck. But like today, it might be wonderful, and right now I'm genuinely looking forward to finding out.
A/N: Thank you all so, so much for reading Bioshifter.
When I started writing this story, I was still a pretty new author. I was still only partway through writing Vigor Mortis, still in the middle of chugging through Hive Minds Give Good Hugs, when I first had the idea of the world: a dying tree floating in a void, linked to Earth by the protagonist. Hive Minds Give Good Hugs was a very difficult story for me to write, and I feel like I ended up rushing the ending from a combination of how tired I was of writing it and how excited I was to start Bioshifter. This story, after all, was originally designed to be as self-indulgent as possible, in an attempt to avoid the mistakes that made VM and HMGGH so difficult to write so frequently. It wasn't until partway into writing it that I realized the degree to which delving deep into trauma, pain, and the spiral of mental self-harm was indulgent for me. It was something I needed to get out of my head and put on paper.
I'm always worried, when I write, that the things I put on the page won't be enjoyable. That they won't resonate with people, or be interesting to people, or excite people, or move people. Bioshifter is certainly no exception. It delves deep not only into rough, rough topics, but into hormones, kinks, queer identity, religion, politics, and the nature of what it means to be human. At every turn, I'm afraid that this will be the final straw, this will push my readers away, this will be one line I shouldn't have crossed. But at the end of the day, I know I'm writing these things because they are deeply important to me, and I've been in enough communities to know that in the wide world of Earth, a lot more of these eight billion people are like me than I ever could have imagined. If I make something that moves me, I know it'll move some of you, too.
I'm glad to have been right. Thank you all so, so much for your kind words and your endless support during the course of this story. I have struggled and fought with myself countless times, and you were always there, encouraging me and helping me get back on my feet again. Without you, I could not write. Not just because of your financial support, but because it is the knowledge that you are here, loving my work, excited for each and every chapter that I produce, that motivates me to continue.
Like Hannah, I have bad days. But like Hannah, the people in my life help me keep going, keep working, keep trying. So the good days come, and little by little they start to come more often. Thank you. Thank you all so, so much.
So! I believe I've mentioned before that I have been bullied into taking a month off from writing after completing Bioshifter. I... am honestly not super confident I'll be able to do that; breaks and I have a bit of a standing disagreement. But I'll be trying to at least limit myself to fanfiction (which I post on Archive Of Our Own) and, far more importantly, planning my next story: a magical girl story in which the main character is not a magical girl at all, but a trans woman who gets kidnapped by the villains and transformed into a war robot. I think it'll be pretty cool, and the moment my break ends you'll be seeing that start to update, along with Are You Even Human resuming again. (I have been threatened by my roommates to not release any AYEH chapters during my break, but I might sneak one out for you anyway. We'll see.)
But yeah, uh... wow. That's the end of Bioshifter! I may write a sequel series someday covering the next game of the Goddess, but if I do, Hannah will not be the main character. Bioshifter is over. Hannah has earned her rest. And... I suppose I have too.
See you after break, and thank you all so much for supporting me. I look forward to being an author for a long time.
Comments
Tohron
I wonder if Dr. Carson could play a role in the potential sequel. Her light/art powers could potentially be used to rally the other ghosts and help keep them sane, and there are a lot of potential synergies if you have hundreds or thousands of different powers being coordinated. Especially when the Goddess isn't paying any attention to them...
Encreedem
What a great story! It got a bit dark at times but it made the ending all the more beautiful. What surprised me is the insight it gave me. I've always tried to be accepting and supportive of trans people but reading about Sela actually helped me understand them a bit better. I guess if you're a giant murder-robot that despises human identifiers such as "male" or "female" then of course you'd be uncomfortable, disgusted or even angry at having a cute female body and others only judging you by your appearance. Some of that probably translates to humans as well. Minus the "being a giant murder-robot" part. Also, really looking forward to the next story!
Aclys
Thank you for a wonderfully engaging story.
AgeOldCure
I just saw the 3rd book in the Amazon store and wanted to give my congratulations. This has been a wonderfully story full of emotion, tragedy, and love. I would give it a kindle review, but I am banned from giving reviews. They won't tell me why and I can't get it fixed. I have never been able to review anything so I don't know what they think I did XD
Sad Potato
Thank you very much, that is it, im going to re-read it and cry myself to sleep👍
mike
Bocchi Kaibutsu to Moumoku Shoujo
Sad Potato
Honestly, i was expecting the mc to win against the goddes, with the whole "one last swing" thing, or there being a twist that the goddes is actually the mc from the future and everything being a loop. But fr this ending was amazing. It also reminds me about a manga i once read with similarily bittersweet ending. I dont remember the name, but it was also about a monstergirl (a lizard or dragon girl) that fell in love with a blind human girl. Very yuri, very heartwrenching , very much cried... like a lot, after reading. I still have the ending panel etched in memory... but i wont spoil it. P.s. if someone knows what manga im talking about please respond with a name or a link i would love to read it again
reverb
I think I speak for all your fans when I say you’ve left us wanting more and I really really really hope you decide to make a sequel to this series.
Daniel McSween
Thanks for the story! I loved it. Favorite character is Sela. I wish its limits would be broken and It could magi-tech its way into killing the goddess and remaking the world as it saw fit. It would be a much fairer god, someone worthy (or at least someone a lot worthier). Also woooo! I love dark magical girl stories. I'm looking forward to it. (though it'll likely be a while before I read it. If I read things chapters at a time, I just want more and can't get enjoyment from other sources. So I wait until they build up a bit. So see you again in the comments in like a year, lol)
Venn
Thank you for writing this, Bioshifter has made its way solidly into the #1 spot on my mental list of stories. I feel like I learned a lot about myself and others, through the deep introspection and variety of perspectives that this story has that I value greatly. Your stories are also appreciable to me as an alterhuman. This has been a wonderful journey. Thank you for bringing it into this world.
CsOsH
:)
Manfredi
I'm glad I found this story. It meant a lot to me.
Jeff Casey
I’ve been reading your stories since the start of VM, and you never fail to give voice to so many thoughts and feelings and half-formed ideas that I have about who I am as a person and how I fit into the world. It’s so special to be able to read a work that resonates so strongly with me and reflects the struggles and problems of the people I love around me. Reading Bioshifter has been a treat, and it reminds me that I am not alone. You’ll forever be in my heart as the author who lifted me out of my own head, time and time again. Thank you, Moo.
Pyrefiend
Thanks for the story, it was great from start to finish.
autonomous spaghetti
Congratulations! Bioshifter was a lovely, wonderful story, and I feel privileged to have read it. Thank you.
sharikak 54
If it’s a Pokemon move, maybe Doom Desire? In-game effect (predicted doom that hits opponent a couple turns later) doesn’t fit nearly as well as Destiny Bond though. I also liked Spirit Shackle by name (dragging Hannah back to life) but in-game it shackles the opponent, not the self. If we also want in-game effect then Curse fits okay (can hurt self and/or buff self). Nothing else stood out to me, so if it’s not one of those there’s likely a subtler (or more related to the competitive scene) reason.
Alexander Pike
Thank you.
WILDFIRE
And… There’s the catharsis! Thanks for writing such an amazing story!
WILDFIRE
On a limb, I think this one might be significant to her in a different way. If I had to guess the spell name: Not Good Enough…
Aoinfinity
I don't know Pokemon. Can anyone who does know Pokemon give a guess as to what Hannah's new name for Destiny's Bond is? A Pokemon move that fits immortal self-reviving, whose name Hannah thinks would prove her hypocrisy if spoken to Aimilios aloud.
Wulvenclave
Congratulations and thank you for bringing this story to life. Enjoy your break. I’ll be patiently waiting for your next release.
GJealousy
Thanks for the story. I don't typically read stories with these themes and characters, but you are a phenomenal author with amazing character and world building.
Jed
That is one of the best endings to a story I’ve ever read. Thank you and well done!
CobaltStellite6
This is hands down the best story I have ever read. I love the characters and how they're written. Thank you so much for everything!
Jayem
Another closing chapter on a phenomenal story, your work always touches on the most raw and painful topics in such beautiful ways. Enjoy your break and I will patiently wait with bubbling excitement for the continuation of AYEH and the new story you have teased. A little sad that this is the last time I’ll say this on a Bioshifter update, but all the same: Thank you for the chapter. And thank you for this amazing novel.
James Doerr
I don't like interacting with authors, but your writing has made me feel things. Thanks for writing, and if you keep doing it I will keep reading.
Beep
You've inspired me to give writing a try. If I can convey experiences a quarter as well as you can, I'll consider myself successful. Genuinely, I have not read another author (including mainstream massively popular names) who were able to help me understand the experiences the characters are going through as well as you can. I don't have many of the experiences that Hannah has suffered, but I have loved ones who do, and your work has helped me get closer to understanding what they're going through, which has allowed me to communicate with them better. Thank you for your work.
Trip Space-Parasite
Okay, thanks!
eeee
Loved it. Personally, I relate more to Aimilios myself but it's cool to read a story from the POV and worldview of a character of someone so different from me. I may not agree with Hannah, but it's been a great ride seeing things through her eyes.
Natalie Maher
I host the free version of Bioshifter here: https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/59450/bioshifter It's not currently complete because it updates a few months behind this Patreon (gotta get people in here somehow) but eventually, it will be. You can also buy the books on Amazon if you can stomach it, and Amazon is unfortunately the only place to get my audiobooks.
Kennyevilmonkey
I'm so sad to see it go, but damn it am I happy to be here for its ending! Not every day where I find a good story that ends with the protagonist losing. This story hit me hard at a few parts, and I am going to miss it dearly. Enjoy your break Thunda, I'll be waiting with much anticipation.
Trip Space-Parasite
This was amazing! If I wanted to give people a link to Bioshifter, where should I link them? This Patreon? Amazon (boo)? Somewhere else that has the whole story?
Simca
Thanks so much for writing Bioshifter. I had a great time reading it. I really like this ending because it manages to avoid some of the complete despair I felt after Hive Minds Give Good Hugs. This chapter is an upbeat and positive thing, even if it (intentionally) glosses over that most of humanity is dead or dying.
Natalie Maher
This tier will be renamed when the first chapter of my new story comes out, but it will still effectively be the same tier; you'll get access to the new story if you just stay as-is.
Elizabeth Cowan
Thank you so much for writing this story and congrats on finishing it. It's been dearly important and has connected with some of the deepest parts of me as a person. I'm so excited to see what you do next!
Lucy Severine
I'm glad you managed to stick with this story and bring it to a conclusion *you* are satisfied with. That's always incredibly hard to do, both in knowing when it needs to end and also not being rushed into it. It was a really good time 💜
CaylaCat
thankyou so much Thunda! you have an incredible talent for writing deeply relatable experiences into seemingly any world. i almost never feel so seen while reading as i do when engaging with one of your stories. thankyou for your many works on queerness, ethics, and transformation!! pls pls pls take the time off && if you do end up with AYEH chapters maybe save it for your rainy day backlog? we can wait until you're back to read whatever incredible something you've created.
GESTALT
congratulations, and thank you.
Matt Gannon
Thank you for all your writing! I've been enjoying your fanfic writing too. The new one you put out is great so far!
Lucien K.
Congrats on finishing the story! I love epilogues like this. Will this subscriber tier be replaced with one for your new story, or will there be an announcement with new tiers?
Wensber
Thanks for the story!
Zamiul Xenon
This is without a doubt one of the best stories I have ever read.
Julia Kent
This story has definitely been very impactful for me and speaks to a lot of my trauma and I can't get over how much I love this ending. The last couple months of releases for this story have been devastating. But your writing consistently keeps me coming back for more. And there's something truly beautiful in the message that even in these absolutely extreme circumstances, even if it would literally save the world if you died, even if the world is demonstrably not better with you in it, that your life is beautiful and precious and yours and you deserve to live it. Your writing is what got me into body horror and transhumanism. Or more specifically the way that they can intersect. And the increasingly queer themes in your work are something that I truly love to see. It's been a long time since I've taken the steps I have to be who I am. It's sometimes hard for me to remember what life was like in the beginning of that process. How absolutely terrifying it can be while still being beautiful and self indulgent and just feeling *right*. And Hannah's mother in this story was painful to read because truly that's the mother I had. It's hard to love a person who loves you in that way. It's also hard not to. I still love my mother. And she's grown so much with me. It's a shame that Hannah will never get the chance to see what can happen after reconciliation. But I know that I'm luckier than most there. Regardless, it's a painful and complicated issue that you handled very well. I started with HMGGH, then started this, then while this was coming out went back and read VM. And I'm eagerly awaiting both of your next two stories. It's been a joy to see your talents grow as you write more and more. Especially since your earlier books were already enough to get me to fall absolutely in love with them. Enjoy your break until the break isn't enjoyable anymore. You've earned it for sure. But I'll speak for all of us and say that we can't wait to see what you'll do next. Your efforts are seen and appreciated and the work you do is meaningful. Thank you.
Harry Cooke
Thank you
pheonix89
Eeeeeeee so good!
AntiClimax she her
Thank you for writing. I follow and support you because even though you don't know me, through your stories and your characters it feels like you do, and I feel less alone and more understood. Even if a chapter here or there is difficult to get through ('cause it hurts, but often in a way I need to let myself feel). So thank you.
May Raven
Of eight billion, there are dozens of us. DOZENS.
Taedirk
Congratulations on completing Bioshifter. Enjoy as much of the month off as you can stand.
javier marquez
You speak to my heat. Thank you
