ashiyaart
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This is not a pleasant post
🕑 Added 2022-02-27 00:10:32 +0000 UTCI can TW that everything is bad here, so please just don't read if it may trigger you in any case. I need some place where I can talk about my thoughts that are killing me.
So, after protests, I managed somehow to finish this month special picture and video. Next month? who knows. Will I still be able to draw for living, will it be possible for me to film videos for Youtube and everything else? WIll I be able to draw at all? I don't know. Anyway thank you so much for being with me and supporting my work.
I now look at photos of protests in other countries, where you can see tons of people and I feel envy. I want that they have, not to be afraid for your life to go on our streets and tell your opinion AGAINST FUCKING WAR and not being caught be police, beaten and raped in police stations. And this is our reality. If you weren't caught - you're super lucky. If you have a piece of paper with simply "no war" written on it (now it can be just A BLANK PIECE OF PAPER) - you are 100% caught. If you're not in the middle of the crowd - you're most likely caught. I saw how in my city police caught a woman with a baby on her hands and arrested her!! with a baby!! I only can say thank police that you didn't beat her up (but who know what they did in the police station. You may think why so little people protest in Russia? Exactly this. Except people who was brainwashed by propaganda and believe that this is a savior mission, other people are scared. Simply scared for their lives. I look at the photos of protests in Estonia, Georgia and I FEEL FUCKING ENVY.
We had so many protests during last 8 years with thousands, millions people come and no protest was heard. We were just ignored, We are treated like ants in Putin's Palace. He can just step on us, or make a loud noise to make us hide and shut up. Or just ignore and wait until we come back to our homes again. We saw protests in Belarus after another false election with millions people on streets being just shoot, caught, tortured, raped and killed. For wanting a normal life. But what? Their president is still on his place and he even helps our tyrant to kill people. We don't see the light, we feel completely helpless. And still trying to do something. And seeing all posts like "then tell your president/army/whoever to stop" is just ridiculous to see. For sure I envy all countries where you actually CAN do it. Your protests will be heard, your opinion is important, you're seen. Not here. We are ants, not humans.
Can you imagine, me, a Russian citizen, being genuinely happy hearing news about succeses of Ukrainian army? Wanting them to win? The one light of the hope I felt when I saw Anonymous's video. I felt that so much that I cried. A lot. Well, I'm crying right now writing this post also, because all these thoughts, all this anxiety, all these feelings - I don't know what to do with it and things like I just wrote may lead me straight to the jail if I write is somewhere else, where it will be open. I envy Ukrainians, because their people are so kind to gather corpses of our soldiers and try to reach out their relatives so they can take them out. Our country, on other side, ignores all dead soldiers, because we are ants and meat, not humans for them. Please spread the word that Russian people don't want that, we want life and freedom for both our countries.
I want to live in the country where I can choose the government. Where I can see the progress in culture, science, international relations. But all I can see last 8 years is degradation. I was proud of my country, we were in big eight! Can you imagine? Now we are isolated third, no, even fourth world country with no allies. Oh, well, China and North Korea? Amazing. We are gonna to become a new North Korea if Putin won't get punished. A homophobic, misogynist country I probably won't be able to leave ever, because we are outcasts for the other world, and live freely without this constant anxiety. This second I want to be an Ukrainian who is fighting for their country, not a prisoner in their of country where freedom doesn't exist and being against FUCKING WAR ЕБТВОЮМАТЬ!!!! is a crime!!! I really think that if Putin and current government will still keep their position, I will choose the worst way.
Here's the most TW about s*icide.
Please don't read next if you can be triggered, but let me get out this thought out of my head.
Last summer I saw a woman jumping from my house two floors down apartment I live in. I saw it with my own eyes. I was seconds. And it was finished. And I keep thinking about this being the actual way. Because I don't want to live in this regime anymore, I can't see anything good that could happen to me at all, I can't breath here. But I'm still keeping up, praying for Ukraine to win and Putin being punished ENOUGH to stop his regime here.
Yes, I understand that people in Ukraine suffer more because they get killed and I have no rights to suffer (as well as other rights in my country). But honestly, I'd prefer to be killed.
Please, forgive me about this post, I really needed a place to talk about all of this. Maybe I will delete this post later, I needed to talk. I'm really sorry, I understand that you supported an artist who posts pictures, not this. But I'm a human too, unfortunately (but not for my own country)
Please share the word if that's possible.
Comments
Lunache
В Питере вообще жестят ужасно менты :(( Икеевские набеги это вообще какое-то позорище, если честно >:(( Часть народа до сих пор блин не в курсе происходящего, что уж там иметь позицию по вопросу...Ну и выученная беспомощность конечно. Пробовала общаться с коллегами на работе (работа кстати уже всё, потому что типографский бизнес сильно зависит от поставок красок/техники/деталей из-за рубежа, во всяком случае если печать цифровая) - взрослые лбы 30-35-40 лет мужчинам, "надо подождать", "ничего не сделать". Я понимаю, что нас всех так власть дрессировала, но невыносимо же слушать... Сил нам. Я думаю что абсурд произошедшего на самом деле приближает весну здесь. Ну и в конце концов, холодильник побеждает телевизор.
ashiyaart
спасибо!! я из питера, и хоть у нас и собралось довольно много народа в выходные, будни были весьма печальными. про вчерашнюю икею я вообще молчу. да и вообще вся эта ситуация с "прийти на митинг после учёбы/работы" выглядит будто... нам вообще не нужно это. нам нужно просто засесть в одном месте и не уходить пока они все не свалят из нашей страны, как сделали украинцы! понимаю, что тяжело, что работа важна и учёба важна, но так революции не делаются( и отбивать своих, а не кричать позор и свистеть, мирными прогулками в нашей стране точно ничего не решить. хотя это сложно с нашей выученной беспомощностью. вы правы насчет того, что нужно держаться и не совершать непоправимого, но иногда ощущение такое что больше ничего в твоей жизни хорошего не случится...
Lunache
Hi...I'm also here, in Russia. And I understand what you feel. I've been, ahem, walking in Moscow (and got suspended by our brave police for "screaming "no to war" thus partaking in a political protest" lmao), and I'm happy that there are at least some people (mostly girls and women) there, but seeing other countries makes my heart ache. This freedom is something I wanted so desperatly for many many years. I don't know how young people who had access to the internet since birth are expected to keep on living with the world around them being forced to shrink more and more. And the last bit is something I can also relate to. I've been having those ideations since teenage years, they became even more aggressive since last year's political situation. Sometimes I feel like I'm at my wit's end. But I won't give up. This choice is something I can make at any minute. And making this decision is making government's opressive work easier. No way I'm helping these monsters. Please stay strong! Spring will come. It always does. *обнимает*
Holly Westlund
Sending you love.
ashiyaart
thank you so much!! I know there's a lot of people who understand that and it makes me feel so sad. People becomes terrible, then they have to much authority.
ashiyaart
Thank you so much for your words!! We are getting compared with Venezuela a lot because of that's happening, so I understand what you say. It's really hard to breathe here.
Elisa Bassett
This just broke my heart in a million pieces. I'm Ecuadorian living in the US, and all too familiar with the history of bad South American governments including ours who think their people are ants, as you say. People outside of these areas of conflict often have no clue of the life-threatening repercussions citizens face when taking a stand against dictatorships and authoritarianism, especially when military forces are involved. Please check in when you can. I found you on YouTube in 2020 and have been following on Instagram since then. You were one of two watercolor artists who inspired me to get back to my brushes; I am holding you in my heart and I hope the terror ends soon and that you are able to enjoy your art in peace again. 💜 Eli
Claudia Marambio García
I just want to cry after reading all this. I am from Chile, and a couple of years ago there was a social explosion, where the government did exactly the same what they are doing there, attacking his own people and creating fear. I understand that fear you feel, and I imagine how horrible it must be in the current situation. After reading how you feel and what you are going through, all I want is to have you here, in my home, safe. Please stay safe, we will be here to support you. I send you a hopeful and warm hug.
ashiyaart
not in my county, I guess hahaha I only see everything gets worse and worse for the last 10 years. but thank you for your words!
Ciraceru
Oh, dear. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Please, please, stay safe. Things always get better with time.
ashiyaart
Thank you so so much!!! I'm really happy every time I see that someone outside sees us, our pain and how we are doing our best! I saw a message from Germany's someone (I'm sorry, I don't remember who it was, it's too stressful rn) that they will FINALLY apply sanctions on our government and oligarchs and try to not hurt citizens as possible and it really gives me hope!! because all previous sanctions just made it harder to get a piece of bread on the table for us. Thank you so much for your support, for all you do for us. We are doing our best but we are begging for help also. He is a Hitler, and he can't be ruined just by our forces.
Thalificious
I can’t help but cry everytime I’m reading your post. I can relate to your desperation and sadness so much! But please keep yourself a (tiny) flame of hope. That’s a form of resistance, too! Believe in your home, your people and yourself, don’t let yourself get broken! And let me tell you, that the news are starting to confirm your words. That’s why EU starts to do something I guess. They are reporting of the Russian resistance/demonstrations and the consequences they suffer and it’s heartbreaking that we can’t help them! But I really, really hope, that Putin will destroy himself with these actions. I can’t imagine that he can just live on as if nothing really happened! „Find the seed at the bottom of your heart and bring forth a flower.“ - SHIGENORI KAMEOKA
ashiyaart
as possible. thank you!
ashiyaart
thank you! you can spread the word. search in Twitter videos of the protests, repost them and show to people who think that Russians are supporting what's happening. So there's something you can actually do to help.
ashiyaart
I unfortunately can't look at it from the position if someone will be happy or not. there's someone who can take care of her. Thank you for your words of support
Maria Reyes
Keep yourself safe!
Sam
Take care! Sadly, there is nothing more I could say or do to help. =( Be safe, and be strong. Send my regards to mr. (ms?) Cat as well. ♥
Lord Geygey
We support you ! I read all the nice comments you received ! DON'T DO A CRAZY THING ! Miss CAT won't be happy ! 💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕
ashiyaart
Thank you so much for your words of support! It's really important to know that I'm not alone. If you want to help, please just share the word! As much as you can! Thank you!
yurei-neko
Hey, it might be weird if I say this, but thank you for writing down your feelings and sharing your perspective. I have ukrainian and russian colleagues at work. All of them are afraid for their families and friends, and almost magnificantly, all of them are sympathetic for each other. I can only imagine how terrible they must feel, having to feat that any of their beloved ones will die in a senseless war. I can also only imagine how frustrating it must be to be in your situation – to have feeling that nothing ever will change for the better. But please, don‘t lose hope! Your art and your videos have been an incredible pillar of peace, hope and inspiration for me, and I sure for all of your other followers and patreons as well. You put so much love, so much hope and so much joy in your art, and all of these feelings transfer to us. It is absolutely understandable that it is near to impossible for you to create art right now or even the near future, as long as this terrible situation is going on. But please know, that there will always be people who want to keep supporting you – regardless whether you can hit your patreon goals or not. You are more than your art for us. We might don‘t know you personally, but shared parts of life with us, you let us in. The least we can do to give something back is to listen when you share your feelings in another way, too. The internet, especially social media, paints a different picture, but please believe me that there are many people in this world who already know that your people are not your government, and open opposition to the war is very dangerous. Still, there are people who try it, which deserves the outmost respect. I am sorry that you had to witness this terrible incident. I am sorry that the war, and everything that will or will not come after feels so hopeless to you. If there is anything that you think that we as your followers can do to support you, please let us know.
ashiyaart
thank you!
ashiyaart
thank you so much for your heartwarming words!
ashiyaart
thank you so much!
ashiyaart
thank you so much! I don't think that it's a money problem, it's more deep. there's no way for me to leave the country unless I got an official job somewhere outside with visa and stuff, but as you can see, people from Russia are taken as aggressor now and got punished even if they are already living for many years outside. who in their mind will offer me a job, help to make visa and leave the country of occupant? I don't believe this person exists. Please spread the word as much as you can that real Russians are not fascists, they need peace and don't need Putin. Protest against him in your countrues make your governments see the truth and help us to get rid of him. this will really help.
ashiyaart
thank you so much!! I hope that they will be punished. I hope that sooo much. this is the only way the adequate part of the Russians can breath freely.
smma
Can we do something more tangible? Can we host her as a student or a tourist? Maybe run a GoFundMe me or something for airfare? I'm just throwing out ideas but she seems to mean a lot to a number of us, more than just fans. Can we actually come together as a group and do something? And is it safe for her to write something like this? I don't want to be the goldfish from the cat in the hat... But what can we each do to really help - beyond "thoughts and prayers"? (No offense to anyone, it's just not enough here) I thought about a tourist visa since borders are not all closed and sanctions are still in deliberations. Once she is where she needs to go she can decide what course from there. Anyone else have any ideas?
Felicia
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I hope this tragedy leads to the end of Putin and the corruption in Russia and throughout the area. What you're going through is more trauma than most people in America could ever imagine, and you don't have to apologize just because other people are suffering. I'm a Ukrainian-American, and my heart goes out completely to every person living in Russia just as much as every person living in Ukraine. You didn't choose this, and I know most people in Russia would rather live in a world of love than Putin's nightmare of hate. Feeling sad, heartbroken, scared, traumatized - it's the only natural response to this. I hope that you can heal from this horrible time and that good things are ahead, closer than we believe. I believe that you'll live in freedom, not fear, when this government is punished for its inhumanity. But until then, we're all here for you; it's okay if you never post art on Patreon again, I'm going to keep supporting you because you matter and your struggle matters and your happiness matters. Sending you all the love in the world 🙏
AlisterEchoes
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. it must be so horribly scary. I sincerely hope that someday you can leave that place, and I will support you until that becomes a reality.
Rachel Shadoan
Oh friend, you do not need to apologize. People in places where it is safe to protest do not need to be lecturing people about protesting in places where it is clearly unsafe. We want you to be free from this nightmarescape. I wish I could airlift you and everyone else away from all of this. Since that is not yet possible, I implore you to do what is necessary for yourself to stay safe and sane. You are not to blame for the actions of your government. You are not to blame for this war. You are not required to martyr yourself here. Sure, it is possible that a government can be brought down by mass demonstrations, but that is not the only way. Everyone has their place in “the work” to bend the arc of the moral universe towards freedom and justice—it is okay if yours is not on the front lines. Everyone has their place, everyone has their gift. Your art is HELLA subversive in a lot of ways—maybe this is your contribution to the work! The ambassador to the US from Estonia said something about how they kept the flame of freedom alive for 50 years under Soviet rule, and that Ukraine will keep it alive as well. But what is also important to recognize is that you, in your tender, hurting heart, are keeping that flame alive in Russia. Your desperate wish to live under a government that respects you, that you have a meaningful voice in, that isn’t a constant threat—that is the flame of freedom and you are keeping it alive. I don’t know the path towards the world where we all have that—but I know that we are all trying to walk it together. The path will assemble itself as we walk it. Take heart. Your art is a flame in the dark. Please stay safe, and keep walking the path with us.
Robert Miller
I support both the artist and the person. I hope you are ok (as in no reprecussions). Please stay safe. :)
JessyLostHerPen
Damn...I mean it makes sense but I hate it.
ashiyaart
Thznk you so much. I've heard that they accept Ukrainian refugees, to be a Russian refugee you really need to prove that you're valid for the status, that there's a particular oppression on you. I don't have it and I'm not activist enough to get really oppressed, and I can't be, I don't have enough resources, I just want to live a simple life. And now, then my country is a country of aggressor, they make it even worse: a lot of countries of Europe closed sky for us, banbed flights and stopped giving visas to simple Russian citizens. I don't see the way I could even get there, not even possibly get the refugee status.
JessyLostHerPen
There is nothing to apologize for in any of this. My heart breaks for what you're having to do to keep safe. You mentioned you're not able to leave the country. Is it guards at the border situation? Poland, Germany and Ireland are accepting refugees without visas. I'm not sure how they would react to Russians at this time, but I imagine they would be more considerate and even in the worst case they would probably treat you better than your own country. I am grieving for you and the countless other Russian trapped like you are right now. It might be worth taking a risk on the sympathy of other countries. I understand if travel of any kind isn't possible at this moment, though. Please keep yourself safe.
