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Nuki News #47: Now, for something different?
🕑 Added 2021-03-17 23:40:26 +0000 UTCI had a vision last night, that may seem pretty arbitrary to explain to all but maybe 3~4 of you following me here on Patreon.
Back in the day, my first 'persona' to represent myself online was a Pikachu. The vision was of an old sort of ‘future-past’ character of my then-pikachu persona, whom I called Hex. The scenario in my head, I imagined them meeting Benji, my current raichu-sona. I never got to finish Hex’s story, which was by choice, and I don’t regret leaving it on the shelf. Some stories I’ve made were just way too self-absorbed- not something that could easily be shared. But because of how personal it was, I did have personal attachment to it, even incomplete.
That in mind, I’ll uh, make a crappy summary- Hex was a ‘future’ version of my Pikachu self that wound up going down a more adventurous path without much purpose. At the time of making the story, I was in my junior/senior years of highschool. So I was doing this story to internally explore my own aspirations and meaning for my life after highschool ends. Hex wasn’t who I aspired to be, but rather someone I could have been, if I were more extroverted and willing to take risks. My Pikachu sona was quite the opposite, introverted and risk-averse. The story would have ended with my Pikachu evolving and accepting his new path in life with optimism. But uh, I fortunately realized I don’t need to make a 200 page comic to justify why my pokesona evolves, ahaha, and how obtusely impenetrable it was for someone else to read without knowing who I am, which is why I stopped.
That brings me to my vision from last night- I was imagining a scenario where Benji, who I am today, meets this vision I had for an off-shoot version of myself. I feel Benji would be filled with emotions stirring, because of all the past Hex would represent; the friends I made back in my deviantart days, who I hung out with and made connections to, the endless possibilities I had ahead of me. It’d be impossible for him to be here! Hex doesn’t exist, and that version of me never actually was “real”- it was a younger-me’s speculation on what I ‘could’ be like. How meta, haha. You see what I mean by obtuse? I honestly questioned myself repeatedly if I should share something like this, but might as well.
It all kinda is to lead to this point about me- memories have always been a sticking point for me, the way they resurface so suddenly, and bring along the sentiment you held or had buried. Knowing it’ll never be the same, knowing what once was, but can never be again… it’s genuinely painful for me at times to recall these things, even if they are positive memories. But for once, I've given myself permission to work through it for a change rather than just try to let it pass by painfully.
Maybe some of you relate! Hopefully it's not as bad as it can be for me. I always try to pursue my goals without looking back nowadays. It's those creeping late-night thoughts that tend to get to me like this. What I was, and what my goals were 10 years ago aren't me now. But the memories of this 'past life' are still there..!
Comments
Artie
It's definitely better to live in the moment, it's not ideal to regret! I hope you will look back on the more recent years a decade from now and be happy too!
Artie
Exactly, so many butterfly effects. I could expand on all the possibilities and directions I could have gone in life. It's interesting how it goes. I wouldn't have been a tanuki if it werent for my boyfriend, and I wouldnt have met my bf if I didnt also happen to befriend a pokemon comic artist, who held a bday stream for him. And I wouldnt have befriended her if I didn't happen to google 'raichu comic' when I was bored 13 years ago. It's nuts.
Temporal Walker
Oh for sure, it's a terrifying thing to think about. If you hadn't made one decision one place, you'd just have ended up an entirely different person, except those choices happen every fucking day multiple times a day especially when you were younger. And it's like, as soon as you become aware of that, it can be fucking paralyzing to think about. It's like, the butterfly effect is way more real than we could ever think about. I think a lot about how deciding to check out My Little Pony probably directly correlated to me becoming the glorious fat trans skunk I am today. It seems like such an arbitrary thing in the moment but it lead to SO much more.
It's a weird sentiment I sometimes regret not doing things in high school. But for now since I'm in my early 20s, I'm trying to live in the moment. So I don't regret anything 10 yrs from now. Or that was the goal before the pandemic hit but after it's over I'm certainly gonna try and live with no regrets. Ya know maybe I'll look back and be happy with the decisions I'm making right now only time will tell!
