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Nuki News #20 - Fatherhood.
🕑 Added 2020-07-08 17:08:25 +0000 UTCI didn’t expect to ever write or talk about this, but it’s come to my mind due to the last Father’s Day passing us by. I don’t want to touch the prickly pear with the USA’s dad/father figure problem(or families that lack a father figure). More that I want to offer an idea of what Fatherhood is to me. It’s a person or figure providing an example of positive masculinity to someone typically younger than themselves, that supports them and is invested in that person’s growth in their life.
My biological Dad and Mom divorced when I was 3. Growing up, I’d travel up north to stay with him for a few weeks. I did treasure the time I had with him, and despite the divorce, I always felt like he loved his kids and cared for us deeply. Even after coming back from our yearly visits I’d keep his advice, presence, and love in my mind. He shared with us his love for games, the outdoors, his passion for science and engineering. I remember feeling very proud I had a dad so smart and strong and loving. Looking back, something else I could appreciate how giving he was for even strangers.
Over the last decade though, I’d grown distant toward my biological dad. Despite the good in him, he’d become bigoted, and hateful of minorities(and perhaps he always was and I didn’t see it). This past father’s day, I didn’t so much as text him. I have never let him know I was gay, or that I had a boyfriend of 7 years, as he had rather homophobic views as well. After 2013, I’d subconsciously decided to not see him anymore if I could help it. I know he still cares about me and loves me, and would be even willing to do what he can for me. But I can’t bring myself to respect him as my father anymore.
My mother remarried in the mid-2000s. My step father was a nice enough guy! But he never filled that role of father-figure in my life. Don’t get me wrong, he did a lot for us and my mom, and I’ll definitely be grateful for that. But, I never got the sense that he was invested in us directly. And really, I think that’s fine. I’m glad to have had that over no one at all and my mom being overworked. However, in the more recent years, I’ve come to find another figure in my life who fills that role, and the only one I actually reached out to on Father's day.
(Picture above: Older art I made as a gift for him when he had to move away)
He’s kind of ‘adopted’ me(and my boyfriend) in the short time I’ve known him, and is someone who has that quality that I’d felt was lacking in my life- someone to learn from and get advice from, someone who is invested in my success and holds values that I can respect and look to follow in my own journey in life. The fur community has done a lot for me and it’s given me a father figure to boot.
This has led me to conclude that fatherhood has to be a conscious choice, someone deciding to be that role for someone providing a sort of positive masculinity. At the same time it’s something the ‘child’ has to decide as well. I think my biological dad served the role well for my first dozen years of my life, but my step dad didn’t fulfill that role, and I wasn’t receptive to it either to be fair. Eventually I also decided my biological dad wasn’t quite fit for it either.
Now, this isn’t to say everyone needs to seek out father figures for themselves- there was definitely a period of my life I felt I got along just fine without one. Nor am I saying anyone needs to drop contact with their biological or nonbiological dads. But I am saying we can choose to find new people to fill these roles if we feel we need them in our lives if the ones we were given refuse to or no longer fit the bill. This isn’t exclusive to father figures either- you’ve probably seen FurAffinity profiles where people list off their ‘furry family’ too; moms, dads, brothers, sisters, cousins. We can make our own families in this age, and it’s a wonderful thing. I feel like I could spend more time writing disclaimers, but I don't want to get bogged down with that, haha. All in all, I’m thankful to have this father figure in my life and I can say he’s helped motivate me to keep pursuing my dreams.
Comments
Artie
Exactly! :3
Artie
Awwwh gosh I am so glad you found it that way Macxi!! I definitely can relate a fair bit to that 'not knowing what they think of me' with my father. I kind of suppose I took to distancing before he could find anything about me that would cause him to abandon me, though that is a rough pill, too. I think we all will seek out the relationships and roles we need in our lives whether we know it or not!
Artie
Awwh gosh Sunny, I'm glad this was a joyful read. I can't imagine how hard and difficult it is to not get that distance - I do feel overall not living with my biological dad was for the best, and having a step dad who never caused me harm or grief, even if he wasn't present in my personal growth or development, was very much a boon I was given. I hope you'll be able to separate yourself from that source of negativity!
To be honest, after this few last years of constant changes I've also realized that family aren't really those related by blood, but those who share feelings with you and actually care about you, no matter what x3
This was such a sweet and personal edition, Artie. 🥺 It’s hard to think how different life can be when your parents are divorced that young. And I think so many people spend their lives looking for motherly, fatherly, sibling-like relationships... the kind we wish we had! And we find them sometimes in others without that blood connection. I’ve always been distant with my own father and I think I had a conversation with someone recently about how I “still don’t know what he thinks of me”. Coming across that realization years back was a hard pill to swallow. I know sometimes my mom will attempt to understand me if given time and space, but I do very rarely share anything personal with my dad our of fear of judgment, or maybe - worse - abandonment. I do have friends that I feel watch out for me, and sometimes I feel that I’m the friend looking out for others! It’s really a special thing when we are able to find that. ❤️
Sarah Fozze
The moment I read this post's title, I knew I was in for something special. I can't tell you how happy it makes me that you found a father in such a wonderful, caring person. Seeing the love you share and the care you have towards each other never fails to bring me an immense amount of joy. <3 You're not the only one with a father figure that has become bigoted. My own father, despite having done so much for me and having a kind and determined side, has become one the most toxic figures in my life. I have tried to reconcile and let go of the feelings of anger he triggers, but seeing as simply being with him is enough to set them off as a reflection of everything I do not like about myself, without the possibility to distance myself from him. I truly wish I'd found a father figure like you did. But knowing a friend in a similar situation has found one and happiness on too of that, that's more than enough for me. <3
