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32 Plans May Crumble

🕑 Added 2017-07-11 01:47:52 +0000 UTC

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Monsoon117

Glad you enjoyed it!

Pixelblade

A splendid chapter as always. The scene of him running, jumping, ripping off the pavement and charging with it will forever be etched into my mind. Now let's get to it: -getting within fifty feet or so of the Michael and Kelsey. (unless they are quite the badasses they don't deserve that 'the') -before busting them out then running back towards the creek (this is not a mistake, but I think 'and then running back' sounds better) -I'm going to spit on the wall before firing. (To me it's not entirely clear what the purpose is. Is it to soften it up? (I might just be a tad dense tho)) -Dozen's (a mean apostrophe has seperated the two lovers. Bring them together again) -Another soldier tried a stylish swoop kick towards me feet (me to my) -edges of the containers before bending my hisp down. (hips) -The metal under my feet bent as the metal bars holding the tubes in place bent. (not a mistake or anything just a lot of bent (you use it another time in a following sentence)) (this is just me nitpicking) -snapped before I flung of the car (the f in 'of' is lonely)(I think to fling always needs something to be flung. So perhaps a 'was flung' or 'I flung myself' depending on what happened) -It was more like a really hard plastic, bending before I glanced around. (this sentence seems a bit weird) -more time closing onto me. Of they would. ('of course') -The concrete bursted underfoot, ('burst underfoot' I wasn't sure about this one so I looked it up and found this: Bursted. The verb burst is usually uninflected in the past tense and as a past participle Bursted is an old form that still appears colloquially, but it is widely considered incorrect and is best avoided in formal writing. It always bears replacement with the uninflected burst.) -my shoulders to swing her around. (herself) -Her leftover arm acted like swinging a tree trunk. (correct, but I prefer 'like a swinging tree trunk' feel free to ignore) -flying before Althea dive into the hole (dived) -Like fleshy, disgusting centaur, (The steel legion scammed you out of an 'a') -My feet thunked against the ground with each step like hammers against the ground ((again nitpicking) repetetive ground) -The another bullet landed straight (Then) -There was flames in the distance (should be were I think) -These guys were contracted with (a part of this sentence might be MIA) -lower towards the ground before leapt up onto a (an 'I' for an 'I', a tooth for a tooth) -I stumbled forward before keeping my balance my by pushing (scrap one my) -before I jumped up towards one of passing helicopters. (the) -covering several buildings and over tents (I think the 'over' is redundant) -There quite a few smells lingering in the air. (were) -A man in black armor with metal jutting out of his armor stared back at me ((last nitpick) jutting out of it reads better to me (again an opinion so ignore it if you don't agree.)


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