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267 The Vagni

🕑 Added 2020-05-18 11:19:11 +0000 UTC

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Monsoon117

I improve as I go. For now, I've partitioned out certain sections of the story to work on specific parts of my writing. The first involved world-building, so I focused on making plot relevant world building details. The second involved characters and tying their motivations to their actions. The third was a deep dive character study, and that was with Yawm. The fourth portion was politics and factional conflict, which was Giess and the Empire. Now I'm working on pulling all of that together, using it fluently and all at once. That being said, saying the story is feeling more 'real' is as good of a compliment as it gets. Thank you, and this gives me confidence going forward.

alexander julian

Great work. It's starting to feel a lot more real. Tho weirdly it hasn't really needed that before which says a lot about you story

Monsoon117

Obolis and the Empire for sure aren't perfect. They definitely have flaws in execution and their belief structure, This gives them room to grow, and showing that growth will be interesting IMO. These are also good thoughts in general, and thank you for mentioning the lack of Ophelia being mentioned. It's a simple continuity error that's difficult to manage when so many people are involved in a fight.

Monsoon117

I can do that more for sure. I'll try to brainstorm a few perspectives that might enrich the story a bit.

Conor McGroarty

Also love the comparison of Schema being a shady drug dealer. Just imagining a robot in a hat and trench coat in a dark alley and opening the coat to reveal... the first level is free or something like that. Then they get addicted to the power and come back for more. But now the Adair’s are muscling in on his turf and he needs the Harbinger to act as an enforcer. Not quite the case but an amusing thought. In any case, MC needs to at least try on some clothes tailored to his physique (maybe even craft something suit like out of his skin too in a dressing sequence of a chapter) regardless of whether he wears them to the viewing or not. Of course, this is the perfect chance to have MC flex so hard that his clothes burst off his body while music plays (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XUhVCoTsBaM) when there is inevitably something wrong with the glassing (this could be the only chance we get and it will be memorable). Final thing, Obolis has said that Schema is absolute but what about old ones? MC has chatted with two (Eonoth being more unpleasant than the polite Etorhmah) while I believe Obolis has at least chatted with Baldowah (Helios mentioned that he knew three who could use the cipher: Obolis, Baldowah and Daniel and while it was expected of the previous two Daniel is an outlier). Perhaps he chatted under different circumstances where instead of being kidnapped into their personal space and gazing at them directly, Obolis perhaps invited a piece of Baldowah to chat and thus didn’t get the full wow factor (of course it could be he understands the limitations of Old ones in the fact that their ability to interact directly and concentrate, as we understand it, is limited and thus Schema that is very active and has vast influence is more impactful for him; this isn’t a wrong thought but still feels short sighted to call him absolute but I believe such a thought will be rectified when the glassing fails and Obolis will have to reorganize his world view along with the Overseer who shares that view).

Conor McGroarty

‘Ophelia casts living magic, giving her a large range of output.’ The main thing I notice is that the conversation of positioning everyone after the quoted sentence (Alastair with Daniel and Victoria, Helios with Hod and Althea and Florence with Torix and Kessiah) has no Ophelia in this arrangement mentioned. In any case, while I can understand Obolis’ position on trying to be efficient with resources and such but considering that doing things half-assed has resulted in rebellions being the norm and having ramped up into the full civil war that is the Blighted Schism, it seems something needs to change and reform is needed. Granted it is better than just committing a mass genocide and wiping away the indigenous but it is certainly half-assed at the end of the day and hurts profit in the long run. Well maybe Daniel, Florence and Amara (Amara in particular may offer an interesting solution and could gain some knowledge too with the social dynamic they have) could come to a reasonable resolution for Blegara and its fish people and eldritch. Plus Daniel can learn what not to do and some things to do

Michael Moore

i like other hod, and i cant wait to see Daniel in some clothes, dripped out of his mind in some designer wear.

Hana Buechel

Rather than outright having him mold his armor to a chosen shape, it seems interesting if he has to rip off pieces and then suppress the leftover into the chosen clothing format. His defense goes down along with the mental strength he needs to use in order to keep his amor in the regressed chosen format. TY for chapter

Joshua Little

Thanks for the chapter. Mold the armour you mook.

Sean Quinn

Daniel should mold his armor into a tux-like shape for the event. Wonder if he could make it change colors as well as shape. Nothing like walking out of an Orbital Bombardment wearing a pristine Tux and not looking back to make you more of a bada**.

ParoxysmDK

Love the chapter and the story just keeps getting better and better. I have one small gripe though. I feel like you should return to making more POV shifts again. It really helps fleshing out the characters. Especially with all the new ones that have been introduced lately. Just my opinion of course.

Sebas Tian

The whole situation reminds me of what someone said "you keep thinking there is a positive choice you can make. But there's not, you have to choose between two bad options, that's what being stuck in a bad situation is."

Monsoon117

Obolis doesn't want Helios to harm himself in his pursuit of status and position since it would result in a long term reduction in his productivity. It also has to do with him genuinely caring about the guy too though.

Lockwood

When Obolis mentioned the rules he made I imagined like an albony rule or etiquette book. It'd be cool to look through the rules and see a bit of what helped form the albony we see and compare their schooling and societal norms to ours. Might be something to bring in before the glassing party so they don't embarrass themselves or something. Also I liked how Obolis acknowledged Heilos being the type to harm himself for his image, though I thought Obolis would be more supportive of the act he had up since it shows dedication and self control which would help in being a good leader. Either way, good chap! Can't wait for more!

Monsoon117

Thanks for the help.

Idan tal

Great chapter, thanks! It’s good to the interaction with his close people, specially his girl.

Corwin Amber

'definitely the end of Giess' -> 'definitely be the end of Giess'

Corwin Amber

'I met hit eye' hit -> his

Rielgesh

"... champagne and fruit?'0" This was much more immersive than shorter chapters, and well done. Nice to see some people are still surprised by what The Harbinger can do!

s476

Immediate notice of the better immersion! You do have a radom 0 or O at one point in the chapter. Cheers

Monsoon117

This is a very large chapter clocking in at over 7,000 words. Let me know if it flowed throughout and was entertaining. I know I prefer writing chapters in this range, and it allows me to really use more immersive factors in the updates. As a reader, it's much easier to deep dive into a longer chapter than a short one, otherwise you end up feeling cut off. Editing and other issues come up when the chapter's this big, however, so always let me know if you find any continuity or grammar errors. I'll fix them as quickly as I can...Meaning tomorrow since I need some rest.


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