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The Apocalypse Grinder - Chapter 1
🕑 Added 2025-06-18 08:25:56 +0000 UTC“What do you mean the spreadsheet is broken? I triple checked it last night before going to bed!” Ronan exclaimed, staring wide-eyed at his shrew faced manager, Keith.
Keith kissed his teeth, revealing forgotten crumbs from breakfast and coffee stained molars. “I’m telling you, the sheet you sent me doesn’t work,” he insisted in a nasal whine. “I opened it on powerpoint and it was a complete shitshow. I think I need to step in and handle the Accumulate meeting.”
Powerpoint? How did he even… Ronan was in disbelief. Keith had an unusual talent for constantly impressing the higher-ups while possessing no discernible skills.
“Why don’t we have a look. I’m sure that I can fix any problems before the meeting,” Ronan waved Keith over as he sat down at his desk, opening excel and bringing up the sheet he was presenting to the Accumulate board of directors later that morning.
It was the biggest deal of his career, but he found it difficult to get excited with Keith breathing down his neck like a newborn puppy. The spreadsheet loaded. Lo and behold, it was immaculate—exactly as he’d left it before heading to bed the night before.
Well, he said night, but Ronan had been up until 3am making sure it was pristine. Even though his job didn't get his heart pumping, he was absolutely meticulous about the quality of his work.
That attention to detail was why his salary and bonuses were sky high. While he wasn’t obsessed with money the way many of his colleagues were, Ronan enjoyed the quality of life it brought him. A penthouse view and heated marble floors had a way of shifting one’s more rebellious views over time.
“It seems to be working fine Keith. Are you sure you used the right program to open it on your computer?” he asked, utilising a titanic force of will to keep a sarcastic quip from slipping out at the end.
“Hmph. I’ll have to call the IT department. Something must have been wrong with my computer,” he replied, expertly transferring the blame.
Ronan watched as the man strode off to make trouble for another poor sod. I’ll have to buy the IT guys a drink later to make up for this, he sighed.
Usually Ronan wouldn’t pass the burden of Keith onto someone else, having learned how to corral the hapless manager like a veteran rancher over the years working together, but today he needed the breathing room.
Accumulate was the company’s second largest client and a major source of income. If today went well he would be looking at a sweet bonus and a potential promotion. Fucking up would make christmas a sordid affair and possibly even cost him his job.
Looking outside, he lost himself in the first snowfall of the year through the floor-to-ceiling windows of the office. Steel and glass skyscrapers might not be an ode to artistic delight from the outside, but the view from within was magnificent.
Snowflakes delicately layered themselves on the glass, the intricate patterns nigh impossible to see despite his desk being right beside the window. Ronan had always loved the snow. It was a shame it rarely stuck in the city—making snowmen was always a highlight of winter.
He was lost in daydreams, not realising that the snow had stopped falling. Millions of flakes hanging in place, not moving an inch while defying the laws of gravity.
Ronan narrowed his eyes and went to stand from his chair to get a closer look, but found his limbs similarly frozen. Only his eyes were free from this strange phenomenon, which allowed him to see as the blue sky of day was instantaneously replaced by a writhing dark abyss interspersed with ominous sparks of purple.
The last time he saw visuals this wild was at a festival in his teenage years, when a friend had the genius idea of spiking his drink with a psychedelic. Suffice to say he had never spoken to that asshole since, but the memories of that trip stuck with him to this day.
Before Ronan could figure out if he was dreaming he heard loud static in his mind, like the tv channels that weren’t tuned to anything. Then glowing words carved themselves into the air before his eyes, an inhuman voice narrating the contents directly into his brain.
Congratulations, citizens of [Planet 6.31e13-F], local name [Earth], you have been selected for the 103rd Grand Integration. Stand by for assessment…
Ronan had never had a voice projected directly into his mind before. The lack of a subtle vibration in his ears was nauseating, a sensation he’d never expected to miss.
As for the contents of the message, he only grew more confused the further he read. What was a grand integration? How had 102 of them happened already and this was the first he was hearing about it? Further rumination was rudely interrupted by the results of the assessment.
Planetary Assessment for [6.31e13-F] complete!
Planetary Grading [6.31e13-F]:
Mass: F
Size: F
Population: G
Energy: G
Overall Grade: F-
Indignation welled up in Ronan’s chest at seeing the dismal rating of Earth by this alien entity. What right did they have to give humanity a damn G for population score!?
Planetary grade is insufficient for successful integration. Seeking solutions…
Solution found! Planets [6.31e13-F], [2.18e13-F],[8.64e13-F], and [9.85e12-F] will be fused to form a sufficiently graded planet. Stand by for terraforming…
Ronan gasped as the world moved, the abyssal darkness that had consumed the sky splitting in two as though sliced by a master swordsman. He heard a rumbling groan like the stirring of a titan from eternal slumber as he watched half the city fall into the bowels of the Earth.
Moments later, every window in the building shattered as the snowfall resumed, but before the first shards of razor-sharp glass could pierce his skull his vision blurred and he felt an invisible hand tearing him from his seat.
A period of weightlessness followed, his stomach sinking as stars danced in his eyes against an infinite canvas of darkness. Those same writhing tendrils of ominous purple lurked in the depths, sparkling as they rose and fell from the abyss.
As suddenly as he had been ripped from impending death, Ronan was dumped unceremoniously on his ass on a patch of wet grass. Eyes swivelling around, he realised he was in a forest clearing, mist languidly swimming through the canopy above.
He coughed, that startling reflex informing him that he could move his body once more. Ronan leapt to his feet, brushing the grass from his legs while trying to inspect his surroundings.
The furthest he got was spotting purple shelf mushrooms growing across a distant tree when another scratch of static interrupted his admiration of the scenery.
Welcome to the tutorial of the 103rd Grand Integration! This introduction to the multiverse will serve to test your strength and skill. Upon completion, you will return to your newly terraformed planet for the 1st Phase.
Initiating user assessment…
Assessment comp-
$@#!%-?(^/
A deafening screech tore through his skull, splitting his mind into a thousand pieces as what felt like burning needles pierced every inch of his body. The agony lasted less than a second, but its impact left Ronan reeling as the inhuman voice continued droning on as though it had never been interrupted.
Initiating user assessment…
Assessment complete!
[Status]
Name: Ronan Steele
Race: Human (G)
Heritage: @#^?
Level: 0
Class: N/A
Fortune: 0
[Stats]
Health: 60/60
Stamina: 90/90
Mana: 50/50
Vitality: 6
Endurance: 9
Wisdom: 5
Regeneration: 3
Resistance: 6
Strength: 6
Agility: 5
Intelligence: 8
Dexterity: 5
Acuity: 7
Tenacity: 12
Luck: 2
Charisma: 4
Available Points: 0
[Traits]
[Skills]
Unified Language Adaptation (Universal)
[Mastery]
[Cultivation]
Mind: None
Body: None
Energy: None
Soul: None
The overwhelming wall of text was a mental blow, but Ronan took it in stride. In a way, he was relieved that the Accumulate meeting was off the table, given the ongoing apocalypse.
If this was all a bad dream, he’d be rather disappointed to see it end. Having played a few video games as a teen, he recognised a status page when he saw one. Most of it was self explanatory, but a few sections caught him off guard.
Heritage was most notable, the odd symbols strikingly similar to the ones that had appeared when the voice in his head was interrupted by that eldritch force carving through his body. Ronan put it aside, knowing he didn’t have the tools to figure out an answer—for now.
A smirk crossed his stony face when he saw that his highest stat was tenacity. This analysis was spot on. Ronan’s grandmother used to call him ‘little goat’ because he was such a stubborn bastard.
“Hey, whatever you are, could you tell me more about what these stats mean?” Ronan called out.
When another message began inscribing itself into the air, he grinned. However, once he got a whiff of its contents his mouth twisted into a frown.
Your difficulty has been set to [Normal]! If you believe this is an unsuitable assessment, you are free to voice your complaints. Stage 1 will begin in 5…
4…
Purple sparks flickered in the middle of the clearing, formed from nothing and knotting themselves together until a shimmering gate that looked like goo stood on the grass.
3…
2…
Realising he wasn’t getting the information he desired any time soon, Ronan steeled himself for whatever was coming out of the gate. The message had said the tutorial would test his strength and skill, which could mean any number of things.
1…
Uncertain of his fate, his eyes remained glued to the portal as the countdown ended.
0…
Good luck, challenger!
A knobbled green leg emerged from the gooey purple substance, followed by a second. A rusted spear came next, held by gnarled hands that ended in chipped yellow nails.
The portal flickered out of existence, leaving Ronan face to face with a hideous creature that gazed at him with unbridled fury out of bloodshot eyes. It snarled, wasting no time before it charged towards him.
He had guessed it already, but the text floating above its head left no room for doubt in Ronan’s mind as to the identity of his foe. His first challenge in this tutorial.
[Lesser Goblin Lv.2]
Comments
CF Sapper
God the Spreadsheet comment hit me on my damn soul
Light
Ohh new story!
