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Chapter 645 - Interlude - Iona - A Terrible Day for Snow
🕑 Added 2025-04-14 14:00:11 +0000 UTCAN: Ugh, just realized both of the interludes are a little short... but with the next chapter, we are DONE with book 15, and onto the finale!
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Iona and Nina were sitting on the thickest branch of a tall tree, gazing out onto the bandit hill. The bright summer sun beat down on them as they studied the ratty fortress. It was new, built with minimal skill, but it was imposing. It looked like it would do the job. The kitsune had wrapped the pair of them in an illusion, entirely ignoring the Treaty of Kazehara, and they were softly discussing if there even would be an attack. Iona had a sandwich, cut diagonally by Elaine. The [Healer] had prepared a full boxed lunch for Nina, sauce making a little smile on her rice. The pair had hesitated over eating the work of art, before growling stomachs had made the decision for them.
“When does a bandit camp on a hill turn into a [Lord] aggressively expanding into their neighbors?” Iona mused. “Where’s the line?”
The two ate their lunches made with love, pondering over Iona’s question.
“When they’re growing their own food?” Nina proposed. Iona nearly snorted her drink out of her nose.
“That doesn’t work for me at all.” She shook her head. “You’ll never distinguish on that axis between Order Valkyrie accepting food taxes from the nearby farmers, and bandits shaking down the local communities. Do I dare show how many years I’ve been in Exterreri, and suggest the will of the people?”
It was Nina’s turn to laugh unwisely loudly, the sound threatening to alert the bandits to their presence.
“The bandits have elected their leader. The seven bandits vote for themselves, the three [Traveling Merchants] vote not to be robbed. The will of the people has spoken! Rob the merchants!”
“It’s not quite that simple.” Iona protested.
“I’m sorry, that was an unfair argument to make.” Nina agreed. “The fundamental idea remains. Bandits outnumbering honest, hard-working [Farmers] and the like can easily declare themselves ‘the will of the people’, and it’s no justice.”
“Agreed.” Iona said.
“As much as we wish otherwise, we can’t stop all conflict, all expansion. Growth allows for economics of scale, and it’s clear that nations inevitably form. Is this the seed of a growing nation one way or another, or a problem to be removed?” Nina asked.
“Same thing we’re discussing, with fancier words.” Iona pointed out. Nina groaned, and had a minor illusion of herself flopping back, nevermind the empty air.
“Protection?” Iona suggested. She finished her sandwich, and grabbed a leaf. The Valkyrie started to idly shred it while the two talked. “Keeping the people they acquire taxes from safe?”
“At what success rate?” Nina said. “Nobody gets it right all the time. Nobody can always protect their people. Gangs running protection rackets also pay lip service to ‘protection’, and do try to stop rival gangs from muscling in on ‘their territory’. We dismantle them just the same.”
“Which brings us back round to trying to read minds and intentions.” Iona said. Nina rubbed her eyes.
“Things were so much simpler back then.” Nina groaned. “Except taxes. Fuck taxes.”
The two Valkyries snapped to each other, the similarity in thought leading to the same conclusion.
“How they use taxes.” Iona said, Nina nodding in furious agreement.
“If they’re using taxes for everyone, with a somewhat generous definition, they’re at least trying. If they’re robbing everyone and giving nothing back for it, they’re bandits.”
Iona’s lips twitched, like she was trying not to laugh.
“Don’t let Amber hear you say that, you’ll get her rant on ‘all taxation is theft’.” Iona joked.
“When taxation is theft, she’s got a point.” Nina said. “What percentage needs to be returned to the locals in some way, shape, or form before it becomes a problem?”
It was Iona’s turn to groan.
“Why can’t they be mugging people in a quiet alley?”
“That’s Raccoon’s job.” Nina teased. “How do you want to do this?”
Iona sat back up and stared at the bandits.
“Well, we’ll just have to knock on some doors and ask what the locals think. End of the day, all philosophizing aside, if the locals all hate them, they’re bandits. If they love them, they’re benevolent, forward-looking rulers.”
“Either way, we think they have a set of Valkyrie armor.” Nina said. “What’s the plan if they’re benevolent?”
“We walk up and ask them nicely.” Iona said.
“If they say no?” Nina prodded. Iona’s knuckles went white against the tree, a sheaf of bark breaking off and crumbling.
“We ask less nicely.”
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All of Iona’s philosophizing ended up nearly moot. The locals hated the bandits with the passion of a thousand fiery suns.
The [Farmer] spat on the ground in front of the Valkyries, armed up to their helmets. Iona’s swords were attached to her back, but her glaive was slung over one shoulder. Nina drummed a beat on her mace, attached to her belt.
“Bandits, the lot of them.” He snarled with hate. “They just take and take and take, and when we protest, they laugh, beat us up, and move on. Hung Fergeson in the village square, won’t let us take down the body.”
A single woman eyed Nina and Iona speculatively when they went to knock on her door. The pair introduced themselves, and got her take on the situation.
“Don’t know if either of you swing that way, but I’ll sleep with the two of you if you can get rid of the idiots over there.”
“There’s no need for that.” Iona said smoothly. The woman looked the two over.
“Want a tumble anyway?”
Iona managed not to laugh in her face, and the two gracefully went to the next house. They knocked on the door and asked their questions. The man - family cowering in a corner - frantically shook his head.
“Oh no, you guys are great, no complaints! Is that all…?”
Nina and Iona traded looks, then nodded.
“Thank you for your time.”
A little away from the house the two Valkyries put their heads together.
“He was lying through his teeth.” Nina asserted.
“Absolutely. Do we need anything more?” Iona asked.
“A plan of attack?” Nina asked. Iona smiled at her once-squire.
“I’ll let you plan this one out.” She said. Nina grinned at the trust and praise. Given how she’d been promoted to Valkyrie, they hadn’t had too many chances at operating together like this.
“Are we taking any prisoners?” Nina asked. Iona sucked in a breath.
“I think… we need to broadly play it by ear. There are going to be some people there who truly don’t want to be a bandit. Who have avoided committing atrocities. At the same time, give the prisoners to who? If we turn the entire bandit camp into prisoners, the locals are obviously going to make them work off their debt, nevermind the bloody vengeance they’ll enact. The slave-freeman ratio is practically guaranteed to cause a slave revolt, especially given the relative classes.”
“Agreed, but we’re talking about a fairly limited number of survivors. Let’s do a two-pronged attack. No Fenrir…” Began Nina.
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The bandits had taken a number of men and women from the village to serve them in various capacities. Iona didn’t like the idea of walking in and starting to murder them all, and Nina liked the idea of a loud distraction, while she slipped in to do her work.
Both of them had four dozen of Elaine’s moonstones strapped to their body, wraps of cloth keeping them tight against their bodies. Sometimes Iona thought Elaine’s fussing and worry was overkill… but it only took one mistake to kill a Valkyrie. By the rumors that had reached them, these bandits had already done it once.
Look over me. Iona prayed to Selene and Lunaris. This battle, I dedicate to you.
You’ve got this! Cheered Lunaris. We believe in you!
Let the bodies hit the floor! Let the bodies hit the floor! Selene was particularly bloodthirsty, and Iona raised an eyebrow.
Everything alright? She asked.
I’m looking forward to this lot getting sent on, that’s all. Selene said.
Suuuure. Lunaris teased back.
Bold as brass, her swords hovering over her shoulders, Iona walked right up to the sentries the bandits had posted at the bottom of their hill, murder on her face. Her glaive’s invisible head made her weapon look like a quarterstaff, and she wasn’t holding her shield.
The Valkyrie had very deliberately not used any of her ranged attacks. It wasn’t much of a distraction if she broke out her bow and arrows, nor if she started to use [Crescent Moonblade] to fire on people.
The first one saw the towering juggernaut of sharp metals and over a thousand levels on him, and ran screaming the alert. The second one shakily lowered his spear at Iona. She paused within striking distance, exuding complete confidence.
“Bandits!” She roared out, opting to keep it simple. “Surrender or die!”
The sentry’s spear went slightly green as he stabbed at Iona, the crude spear breaking against her armor. Iona brought down her glaive, slicing the bandit in half.
While all manner of negative descriptors could be attached to the bandits, they had most likely already managed to kill a Valkyrie. Underestimation was potentially lethal. They’d set themselves up on a hill, in a well-fortified position, and they’d gotten there by being very, very good at murdering people. Iona was promptly barraged by all sorts of projectiles, while a skirmishing force boiled out of their camp. It only took one well-placed rock to kill a Classer at her level. With how often Iona had punched up, she was all too aware it was possible for other people to punch up to her.
Iona quickly scanned everyone, checking for dangerous skills and classes. Forewarned was forearmed.
The Lightning [Mage] was particularly dangerous, and Iona used one of the moonstones the moment she realized she was getting zapped. The [Mage] ran out of mana a moment later, and Iona temporarily dismissed him from her thoughts. A [Mage] out of mana was no threat.
Iona grinned to herself. It was distraction time, which meant being flashy - and trying out something new.
Humming to herself, her speed, vitality, dexterity, and strength working in perfect harmony with her skills, Iona started to twirl her glaive with both hands, spinning the weapon through a well-practiced dance. Rocks broke against her spinning defense, and the invisible blade sliced through arrows. She didn’t need to spin against everything - most shots Iona simply moved a little. The best defense was not getting hit. Getting into the beat, Iona figured out how much effort was needed to pulverize a stone, and how much would simply send it flying. Everything in position, she started on the next stage of her performance.
She started to deflect the projectiles back.
Iona swung her staff at one of the rocks, sending it back to a different [Mage] with a sharp crack. A little nudge with [Telekinesis] adjusted its path, and the bullet rocketed back to its sender. It went through the [Mage’s] stomach, and Iona frowned.
Not quite a lethal hit, although he’d bleed out soon enough. A good reminder of why she aimed for the center of mass.
The movement along one half of her staff swung the other half into position, and Iona deflected or broke a few more projectiles before managing to line up another shot. With a second sharp crack, an [Archer] went down screaming, his arm torn off and gushing blood.
The dance continued, and Iona started to deflect rocks and stones into the mass of the skirmishers. Significantly less aiming was required - simply getting the rocks ‘close enough’ was guaranteed to get a man down, screaming in agony.
The volley slowed down as the skirmishers arrived. Iona’s swords unfolded from her back like a fan, and in half a dozen sweeps, the thirteen blades mowed down the attackers in a short and brutal performance.
Iona went to kill the last skirmisher personally, instead of using her controlled blades. She impaled the quivering man on her glaive, then one-handedly hoisted him up and over, letting his body slowly slide down. She ignored his screaming.
“Tch.” Iona clicked her tongue as she saw the ranged portion running away. Maybe that had been a bit too much.
Without an audience, Iona blitzed up to the top of the hill, and hopped over the uneven 12 foot walls of the bandit fortress. She could’ve gone through them, but the locals might want to take the place over once they were done.
Iona softly landed on the dirt at roughly the same time Nina exited the only building in the place, holding a trio of heads.
Cleaning up the remaining bandits went swiftly. The moment the first one threw down his weapons, went on his knees, and begged for mercy - and got it - the rest swiftly followed.
“I felt I was pretty clear about their options.” Iona half-joked. Black humor was practically required when wading through guts.
“They never think it applies to them.” Nina shook her head sadly, working on the latest batch of prisoners.
The full processing took hours, neither of them deviating from the tragic prize. Iona got two of the nicest swords, and knelt down, holding them above her head.
“Oh Selene and Lunaris, great goddesses of the moon. By right of conquest, by right of possession, I offer these gifts up to you.”
With a small sparkle of divine light, the swords vanished, the sacrifice accepted.
Thank you! We’ll take good care of these. Selene said.
They continued cleaning up, ignoring the items on the wall until they were the last thing left.
Quietly, reverently, Iona took a winged helmet off the wall.
“Goblin Slayer.” She whispered. Iona brought the helmet up to her head, pressing her forehead against it.
It was a terrible day for snow.
“I’ll find the rest of her kit.” Nina slipped out of the door, and started to look for particularly nice pieces of armor, scattered on the various bandit bodies. Slowly, carefully, they reassembled Goblin Slayer’s gear that she had worn in life. Iona cradled it like a child.
“It’s time to come home.” She whispered to the empty armor.
Comments
Mecha Chocobo
I see Selene is working through her collection of early 2000s Earth rock
Joshua Little
Thanks for the chapter.
TwistedToaster
What a sad chapter. :(
tr13ze
Thanks for the chapter 😁
Andrew
Thank you!
Ford-Thomas Frank Loveland
Yep a lot of them got terrible goblin related names given that the Valylrie leader wasn't good with names
C Gillan
Glad your feeling better hopefully. Great chapter.
Tiffany Miller
Dang that was an emotional chapter
Sam Vered
Goblin slayer was one of the other squires from Iona's early disastrous goblin battle right? The name is familiar but I don't quite remember who she was.
SwitchBlaze
Interesting Chappie. Thank you.
MadKingMidas
Agreed. I always prefer italics for thoughts, and italics with quotation marks for telepathy.
Kai Elanzo
Thanks for the chapter. Been a while since a chapter brought tears. Rest in peace Goblin Slayer.
Jason Hardman
TYFTC. I suspect all the Selene and Lunaris bits need some italics to distinguish thought communications from the rest.
John
Thanks for the chapter
CringeWorthyStudios
One of the other two that got named on the same day as Iona too? Ouch. Thanks for the chapter!
Khal Lee
Sweet, violent, and a little sad at the end there. Thanks for a little random bandit cleaning adventure... no lost runaway newbie healer being volunteered into banditry needing rescuing though tsk! Minus point 000001 star... 4.999999 stars. Hugs.
Mad Dessert
Thanks!
TheBotler
Thank you for the chapter!
Tilen Praprotnik
Thanks for the chapter
Lucy Severine
Oh, Valkyrie.
Lu
Fenrir may not join the raid, but he's keeping an eye on his bond, if the snow's any indication
