demicoeur
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🕑 Added 2021-02-03 14:23:44 +0000 UTCHi lovely patrons! This month I've got the stream dates, along with something of a personal update to keep you up to speed on how things are going behind the scenes.
REQUEST STREAM TIMES
Thursday the 4th @ 2PM GMT - CF Page
Tuesday the 9th @ 8PM GMT - Request Stream
Thursday the 18th @ 2PM GMT - TSoS Page
LIFE UPDATE
The past year being the rollercoaster that it is, and being isolated as I have been, there's a lot of internal stuff going on and I feel like it's a good time to talk about some of it.
One personal topic I don't talk about much is my gender identity and dysphoria. I started transitioning socially about four years ago and went on a wait list for a gender clinic consultation a year and a half ago. I decided to do this in the UK because I'm covered and living here permanently, and it seemed the right choice because wait times/quality of care were pretty much equivalent in Canada. In the intervening time, trans rights and medical care in the UK has been slipping backwards, with budget cuts extending wait times well past the already long two year estimates, trans folks being cut off from their prescriptions, and more. By contrast, wait times in Canada have decreased. If I were to get a referral in Canada now, even having waited a year and a half in the UK already, I would likely still see a doctor in Canada a year or more before I see someone in the UK who can help me. It's hard to talk about because it's all deeply personal and difficult to describe. The best I can is to say that I feel like I've missed out on living my life as the person I am for the first 30 years of my life, and now I'm having to wait even longer to start. Covid and lockdown have made all this significantly harder as it's worsened an already intolerably long wait and puts in question my ability to travel for care in Canada if I can't get it in the UK. I'm still going to try and get myself on the Canadian wait list, but that big unknown of how long I'll be waiting is exacerbating an already lonely and protracted lockdown.
The other side of the coin is my mental health in general. Before lockdown, I'd been seeing a therapist regularly and practicing different things I knew helped to keep me balanced and happy. I've talked a bit about this here before. Lockdown has made those practices impossible. I can't go to the gym. I can't see my friends. I can't travel or take a break to reset if I'm going through a period of stress or burnout, because even my 'breaks' take place within the same four walls. The mundanity and isolation have affected my memory and my mood. I still try to exercise regularly, eat well, and keep to a healthy sleep schedule, but these things alone aren't enough to sustain a healthy mind. There isn't much that can be done about it either. Most of it is outside of my control, and I just have to be patient. I'm trying to be, but I felt like it would be worth mentioning that this is affecting me, and offer my sympathies if you're going through something similar. In an increasingly individualistic society, it's pretty hard not to blame ourselves when we aren't feeling good, but nothing about the circumstances lately have been standard. So we can't very well expect the same standards of ourselves as we did pre-covid. I know letting go of those standards is easier said than done but it's worth reminding myself and anyone else feeling the same way.
The upside to all this isolation and time for contemplation is I've been able to ask myself what I want from my art, my writing, my career. Though I don't have definitive answers yet, one of the things I've learned from the past decade is that I can't be a content mill. I treated myself like one since college, and it's had some nasty results. Not just on my health, but my relationship to my art. I've talked about this a bit before too, but one of the things I'd never quite realized had been affected was my style and artistic idenitity.
Keeping my foot on the gas for all this time was like setting a rudderless boat fullspeed out to sea while burning out the engine until it's running on empty. I now find myself a bit lost and adrift. While I don't hate my style necessarily, there's something about the direction my art has taken that doesn't feel very much like it's mine. In churning out as much work as I could, I didn't really have time to ask myself what I wanted to say or express with it, what stylistic elements I wanted to incorporate, or what techniques or areas I wanted to study and improve upon. Productivity on auto-pilot hasn't got me to where I want to go, so now I'm stopping and asking myself what I want out of my art.
I don't have the answer yet. I've said I want to try and fit in more loose sketching and studies, and that's what I intend to try. Comic pages and finishing commissions is still the top priority, but beyond that I want to focus less on 'finishing' things and more on exploration. I'm still working up the courage to post these things. I feel almost guilty about it, like if I'm not working on the comics or commissions exclusively then I'm failing you guys. Like I have to stay 'on brand.' It's a weird feeling, but I'm going to try and post other things and try not to worry so much about branching out.
The other element is my writing and my career. I wrote a book last year, and I'm actually fairly proud of it. I also found a small group of writing friends so we can critique one another's work. Because of my art burnout, I've wondered if I should pursue a career in writing, but after thinking about it a long time I don't know if that should be my priority. They say you have to write about twenty books to 'make it,' and I don't want to set my sights on quantity and maximum output at the expense of my actual enjoyment of the process. So on this front, I'm going to take it easy, write what I can, when I can, and maybe try querying something when the time is right.
Career-wise, I don't have a clue. I'm eager to finish these comics and try my hand at something new, but not entirely sure what that will be. The indecision stresses me out, but I don't want to make panic plans, so I'm just gonna put one foot in front of the other and trust my intuition. Making plans in the midst of a pandemic seems pointless, so I'm gonna try and be breezy (a challenge for me, given I'm prone to overthinking but whatever >.>)
So yeah, that's where I'm at right now! It's not a comfortable place, but it's not the worst it could be, and I'm going to try and make the best of it. In the mean time, I'll have more comics and streams coming to you this month, and I hope you're all doing well. Excited to chat during streams and see what the future holds.
Much love! <3
Comments
Demicoeur
Thanks so much, I really appreciate this. I guess my worry is always that what I enjoy drawing or experimenting with isn't very interesting to look at XP but I'll see about dropping some of my iPad doodles on here! You're right in thinking most aren't feeling great or operating at 'peak' in terms of creativity, health, everything. Just have to keep reminding myself that slow progress is still progress. Thanks for the encouragement <3
Chrysalis
I can’t offer much on the medical side except my sympathies, but I hope you can find something that works soon, wherever you have to go for it. On the artistic side, I’m always, always more excited to see artists I admire doing work they’re excited about than work they feel obligated to do. I’d love to see you experiment more and try new things that interest you artistically - and if at some point you’re comfortable showing the results, that would be great too! This past year has been a terrible time to try to make progress or do anything new, at least for me. I don’t think anyone’s operating at the level they want to be right now; just getting through each day is an accomplishment. Take it easy on yourself - whatever you need to do for your own sanity, creativity, and health, we’ll be here rooting for you.
Demicoeur
Thank you so much. Not just for the lovely comment and support, but for doing all the important work you do and putting yourself at risk to do it. I know a number of medical professionals and they’re all exhausted from working as hard as they have. I really hope you can take care of yourself as well as you take care of others. I have a lot of the same thoughts from the reverse side, that I'm lucky to be able to stay at home, but damaged by the isolation. There's no particularly healthy way to live right now it seems. Can’t tell you how much your comment means to me though. It’s been a rough year, but I’m glad I could bring something good to yours with my art. So thank you x a million.
Demicoeur
Thank you, Kay, I really appreciate it <3
Acratin
Demicouer, As someone who is cis but is surrounded by a rather significant number of trans people in my life I am saddened to see everything that has been happening in the UK regarding trans rights and treatment. As a medical professional, this frustrates me even further. Every patient, every person, deserves the same care and attention, regardless of what our personal feelings are towards them - and I can say this as a Jew who has taken care of a man with blatant Nazi tattoos. That any society would act unkindly - or worse, that any professional would do so - to someone in need is a tragedy in my mind. I sympathize with you in whatever distant sense I might. I also miss my friends, lament my inability to go to the gym, to go out and spend time talking over a cup of coffee or a pint, to /go/ somewhere, see something new. I am both fortunate and damaged by the fact that my own workplace not only allows me to see more than what is in my own home, but places me in harm in doing so. But I feel that if I did not have my coworkers still, if I were going through this pandemic with but my partner and my roommate, that I would be struggling so much more mentally than I am right now. If you have not done so, maybe reach to your therapist and see if they're doing Zoom sessions? Mine has been since he cannot hold them in his office. It is not the same, but it is something. Now, for the patreon and the reason we're all here? I, at least, am here to support you as an artist. I love the work you do. This is why I'm here - not for specific comics, or commissions (despite the fact that I absolutely love the drawing you did of Ingrid in the last stream). If you stopped doing those, I would still be here. I want to see and support your art, wherever that may take you. One of the things that I love about Patreon is that it allows me to provide people with a little support when I find that their creativity enriches my life. I can't afford to commission people every month, or buy a $300 piece of art that they've made. But I can give $5 a month to say 'Please, keep creating.' That's all I ask of you. Keep creating. Whether that's what you are doing now, or something entirely different, I want to see what you make, and see the beauty, emotion, and thought that it brings. Thank you for putting it all out here, so far.
We have all been more or less affected during this period. I'm not a doctor, but I'm also a writer, share your passion for animals and as you know I've always enjoyed your work. If you want to discuss everything and nothing, know that I am available :)
