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July Newsletter: In the Wake of Pride
🕑 Added 2023-07-03 14:00:08 +0000 UTCI have a complicated relationship with pride. Growing up, the cultural message of “be yourself” always left me blank and alienated. Wasn’t the command itself a drawing away from the self? It demanded a clearly-defined, parceled-off identity, ready for showing off like a new car. Ambiguity and mystery, conditions I’ve always felt were essential for my own existence, were the enemies of pride. As I entered into queer communities as a teenager, I never desired any sort of “coming out” for myself; I just wanted to find spaces that made sense to me.
But spaces don’t just exist - they’re created and maintained by humans. To put yourself on display - to say “I like this, I’m like this” - sometimes at risk of life and safety, always at the risk of discomfort - is to hold up a light around which other people can gather. And once enough people have gathered, then quietness can come; then ambiguity and mystery can begin to open up on the outskirts of the crowd. I didn’t understand, growing up, how lucky I was to have spaces where those things could exist, where I could exist, on the outskirts but not lost.
So, after 30 years existing, what am I like? Am I gay? Intellectually, I know the many dimensions of that label, that it’s a wide and welcoming umbrella that holds an incredibly diverse community. I’m happy to be considered a part of that community, yet in my inner dialogues, something within me still resists the label, maybe that younger self who can only ever see it as “that means you like boy instead of girl”. Am I a furry? Yes, I’m seeing more inner thumbs going up at that one, especially from that young self who would frantically rush downstairs to watch cartoons in complete solitude, whose tormented bond with the plots and characters of those shows was perplexing both to his family and to himself. Real people, whether male or female, were beyond me. My reality, my space of truth, was in that communion with TV, where eyes were little black dots in big yellow circles, where emotions were simple and space and time were flexible.
That truth has not diminished in me. Thanks to the furry community, I can take that space with me through the real world, having it hover in parallel and at times manifest miraculously in my life. Real pride is not coming out to a homogenized, Super-Bowl universe; it’s planting your little and belittled reality and finding out that the universe itself is as weird, multitudinous and inexplicable as the one you had trapped in your hands. Five hundred years ago, people would come alive on festival days, dressing up like prophets, making giant effigies of patron saints, parading them around and singing and shouting with enough exuberance to make local authorities ban the festivities as often as not. I see the same people now, the same infectious joy spreading through cities at the appointed day and hour, the same waiting in its wake for the next chance to come alive.
So what am I like? What’s the universe of a 30-year-old gayish furry? Some days, I wake up and feel the breath of the saints flowing through me, and my apartment becomes a monastery. Some days it’s my grandmother, watching over me and enjoying those small moments of quiet leisure, reading books and watching shows, that she enjoyed in her own life. Some days, I’m drawn to the songs of my ancestors - those Welsh and Scottish and English folk ballads, those endlessly vibrating Latin rhythms and dances - to meld my life with those who sang them before me. Some days, I just want to watch fursuit ASMR meditation videos, or browse through Regular Show fanzines in a reverie. Some days I am just a set of bowels, exposed and vulnerable, unable to emerge into the rational world, observing everything like I’m six feet underwater. As each strand of self waxes into view, the others welcome it with pride, a new and equally real way to exist. Each day comes not with a label, but with a parade.
Cheers from me and the band - Will
Comments
moonscapes
i know i’m like a bajillion months late but this was really great to read, your words are just so thoughtful and eye opening. hope y’all are doing good!
junosjunkdrawer
(months late to this, sorry) im in the midst of exploring my gender identity as much as i can in the confines i live in currently, and this resonates with me so deeply. the way you describe these multitudes in You and the universe, echoes words i've spoken in reference to my gender. ive never liked labels, currently i identify as non binary but grappling with the fact i may be trans masc. learning i am indeed attracted to men but not the way women are attracted to men, it's all complicated and painful. but i know i dont need to be anything, i just need to be, and for now that's where i'm at. thank you for the solitude i find in your words and songs.
František Kulovaný
jn
melmelmelmel
Such beautiful words ❤️ thank you Will and the band
Ai Miller
Of course! I just realized as I was thinking over this that I missed the MAJOR figure in this, who is Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick; her work on this is collected in a book called Tendencies. I like to go back to the "beginning" of things just to see how stuff has changed over time. Also a book that might be easier to get and read because it's not an academic text, but it's used all the time as an example of queer shame and its power is On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong. Sorry to just spam you with recs, this has just been an area of interest of mine for a long time!
Ai Miller
Ooo I got the name a little mixed up (I confused Gay Shame and Queer Nation) but you can see the actions that Gay Shame has held, and their ongoing work to resist sweeps of homeless encampments in San Francisco, on their website: https://gayshame.net/index.php/about/ Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore, who is or was involved with the group, wrote about it in That's Revolting!: Strategies for Resisting Gay Assimilation: https://www.akpress.org/thatsrevolting.html In terms of other work, there's a book called Gay Shame that's a collection of a number of writers. If you're US-based. you might be able to use your public library to request a copy: https://press.uchicago.edu/ucp/books/book/chicago/G/bo5877479.html#anchor-table-of-contents Then there is kind of a movement in queer/trans theory/studies that takes up negative feelings (often called "affect"); these are less grounded in like direct action or even sometimes identity as we understand it, but use queerness as a lens to reexamine what is determined "natural" about the world. These books you can also request from a library probably! The Terrible We, by Cameron Awkward-Rich Side Affects: On Being Trans and Feeling Bad, by Hil Malatino No Future: Queer Theory and the Death Drive, by Lee Edelman Beautiful Bottoms, Beautiful Shame: Where "Black" Meets "Queer", by Kathryn Stockton I hope some of this helps! There's a lot out there and a lot of it is dense and expensive, but it's really made me think a lot about queer identity and what we're pulled to do.
Ai Miller
I'm way late to this, but I'm also trained as a historian of sexuality/gender/sex/the way this shit overlaps historically, so I just wanted to articulate that we're in a specific historical moment of identity lines and community formation that hasn't always been and (god willing) won't always be, and I try to take comfort and even joy in that. We have a history that we reach at sideways, where there were different kinds of ways of identifying ourselves and our solidarities with people we now think of as different, or the same. It doesn't free us from the constraints of today's kinds of identities and labels, but it might give you more flexibility if you wanted some. (You might also be interested in the ongoing work of Queer Shame, if you're not aware of them already, and there's lots written out there about queerness and negativity if that's something you think is worth exploring.)
marlowe green
wow somehow this is the most profound thing i’ve read in a long time thanks for sharing
peter gee chuck
This cuts deep, thank you for the candidnes, will. In so many ways i’ve come to know myself better because of your words and works, i know you’re a pretty private person so this genuinely feels so intimate and special, as a pansexual transmasc non binary person i just wanna say thank you. The way you articulate feelings in songs like its only sex and even the lines “they’re not kissing they’re not fucking they’re just having fun” speaks so loudly but profoundly to me and my 2 bfs who are on the ace spectrum, i’ve also been suspecting myself of being on it lately too. Anyways, i felt this hard, labels help me find ground and community but sometimes the most proud i feel is when i can just exist without having to explain, thanks for existing. 🫶🏻
peter gee chuck
i’m not gonna cry i’m not gonna cry
Raíssa Leão
I feel this deeply. being bi, I felt like I’d always have to fight off ambiguity and avoid confusion and mystery at all costs, lest I’d be justifying other people’s biased and prejudiced perceptions of people like me. however, I’ve always felt like a mystery to myself and, while I actually love my label, I never felt like it should mean a stable idea of attraction, but rather a fluidity that I deeply desire in order to better understand myself. to this day, I’m not 100% sure of being cisgender, and funnily enough your songs, so personal and intimate and meaningful to me, sometimes feel like a way for me to “allow” myself to feel masculine, lol. this may sound weird. but I see you, Will, and I’m so glad I could ever get in contact with your words. your voice, always elusive and mysterious, yet profoundly familiar and comforting, means the world to me. happy pride, thank you for being yourself and allowing us to get to know who that is a little bit, from time to time, in your own way.
KUBUŚ POCHATEK
GROUP MEDITATION COMING SOON? :3
KUBUŚ POCHATEK
woah regular show fanzines, i wa snot expecting that shit from my Messiah
Warlock
Great letter! Have a lovely pride everyone!
drew
so lovely, happy pride to all!
Legority
This is beautifully written. Cheers!
ro
oh wow very interesting to hear that you have welsh ancestry as a welsh fan :) i think a lot of fans relate to these words. also - remember that your music has created a space for us to all talk and connect together and that is an incredible thing :3
Luna
This is one of the most cathartic pieces of writing I have ever read. Thank you. <3
diya !
thank you so much will <333 happy pride to. well, all of us, if we’re on this patreon we gotta be gay 😭😭😭
care
happy pride to everyone!!!! <3
Lucca SD
happy pride everyone <3 thank you Will, I rly resonated with this post :^) when I was 14 and starting to find my identity, you were the first musician i had ever listened to who seemed to really understand what I was going through. 8 years down the road, and I’m still so grateful to have your music help me thru my journey!
fruitybinch666
please write a book 😭💕
Avery Johnson
Something that has always bothered me was the pressure to label the way you feel by others. Personally, I've always been a bit confused about my sexual identity. I've always wondered why it mattered. Be attracted to who you're attracted to. It's not something anybody can control and shouldn't be something you need to explain to others
jay
happy pride month will !!! 🫶🫶
Elijah M.
best pride wishes will, you are as well written and thoughtful as always <3
Brett Koehn
Accidentally went to my first pride parade yesterday and I was so surprised it was just like the most fun and unique experience. Everyone was just out in the street doing whatever they wanted and being weird and having fun. Like watching movies like The Wicker Man, The Holy Mountain, Clockwork Orange, Funeral Parade of Roses, or even Monterey Pop I feel like I missed out on an explosive wave of liberation, nonsense, and loudly doing your own thing. But at this event I realized that even though I haven't aligned myself with the LGBTQIA+ community (I haven't set on any labels for myself) I felt so happy, because Pride seemed to be the modern embodiment of those same hippie sentiments.
Enoch
you have such an amazing way with words. thank you for this. as a gayish furry myself, it means a lot and your words really spoke to me
qtf0x
Thanks Will; I think I needed to hear that. <3 <3
Alec
🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶
Austinary
I love furry ASMR!!
Etienne VALLE
This label thing is ridiculous.
Etienne VALLE
Thank you Will.
JD
are you kidding me wow look at you with the words. Many inner thumbs up.
Liam Gonzalez
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️!!!
Quincy Bui
❤️
poppy
This is so real from one gayish furry to another ❤️❤️
Josj
Thank you Will and co. for everything you have shared with the world, happy pride 4eva !!!! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🖤🤍🤎
Joseph Brown
Damn that was beautiful.
Uninspired
❤️❤️❤️
sophie
you're a little like sufjan to me in that it seems like everyone knows youre attracted to men but no one is certain of what kind of label you fall under (including yourself it seems, i mean who is ever really certain of their own labels?) so it's interesting to see you define it a little more in this. -a trans (almost certain) lesbian (pretty sure)
cat eyes
love it will but one question: mordecai or rigby
alex
Love the writing style and really resonate with all of this ❤️ thank you
Knives
very well spoken - thank you for being you ❤️
Kate
Wow, so amazingly said! Happy pride to all. Thankful to be a part of this group … great way to start the day 💕
Ezra
wonderfully written, thank you will 🫶
It’s Rammy
This was a nice read
mello
Love it❤️😊
Angela
written so well ♥️
nate!!
this was a really powerful and insightful read
rey
🫶
brylee
beautifully written. happy pride to everyone!!
sebastiaaaaaan
Happy pride Will :) your music has done more for me as a young gay dude than you could ever imagine
