Kevin Curry
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Summon Perfect Warlady 22
🕑 Added 2024-01-15 15:00:11 +0000 UTC“Elya, can you turn units to an allied side?” Tanya asked.
The turnamancer paused as they ate at the banquet table, thinking over the question. Ossomer and Bill-Bob seemed interested in the question. “...I don’t see why not, although I’d need someone from that side on hand to give the offer, or maybe just giving permission to me would work?” She furrowed her brow as she tried to fit the idea into her mental framework of magic. “...I’d like to try.” She said eventually.
Ossomer nodded firmly. “That would resolve the question of what to do with our prisoners. Good thinking, Princess.”
“Boost the city’s production while you’re at it.” Tanya ordered. “This turn and the next.” Tanya knew that Ossomer had set the place to start replenishing the garrison, as Jetstone intended to hold the city. So that’s an extra turn of production right there.
“Yes, Princess.” Elya said, nodding firmly but not stopping her meal to follow the orders.
“So I got a curious little bit of info by hat today.” Bill-Bob said casually. “Something about you being a caster-warlady, Princess?”
“How much is Charlie charging people for that info, by the way?” Tanya asked, genuinely curious.
“Not important.” Bill-Bob said immediately, flushing. Too much, then. “What’s up with that?”
“It’s true, I am a warlord, but I am also capable of casting magic.” Tanya said, using an infinitesimally small amount of juice to create a few sparkles around her fingers. “I have no casting specialty, so I must learn each spell as if out-of-class. But this means that I’ve picked up quite a few disciplines, with no primary to lean on.”
“Right. I saw you use Foolamancy.” He said suspiciously.
“I’ve found myself quite talented at Foolamancy.” Tanya said truthfully. “It’s not my best discipline, that would be moneymancy, but it’s quite useful.” she’d rate foolamancy as her third best discipline, behind date-a-mancy as well.
“Moneymancy?” Bill-Bob asked, incredulous. “Well ain't that useless in a war.”
Tanya scoffed. “It counters croakamancy, so I wouldn't be so sure.”
“...is that what happened to all the bodies?” He asked.
“Yes.” Tanya said, repeating the sparkles with a wave of her hand. “Bodies still have value, so they can be sold.” She actually split off enough bodies to feed the dwagons and had the Jetstone infantry strip them, then sold the equipment on top of getting the discounted upkeep, as the equipment doesn’t depop when the bodies were physically eaten,
“Well how about that…” Bill-Bob said, thinking on the matter. “What kinda upkeep does Caster give you?"
“My upkeep is 1,788 shmuckers.” Tanya deadpanned. For comparison, the level 4 Elya was 193 and the level 3 Harold was 135, the Noble had a higher upkeep than was standard for a caster while the ugly florist had a lower one.
“Eugh. Is that worth it?” Bill-Bob asked, vaguely disgusted at the number.
“I’d like to think so.” Tanya said modestly. “I pay for myself more often than not.” Also she basically never pays it, opting to instead use a supply of Rands to pay it. She stocked up on thirty-two of them before leaving for this war, at a cost of 8,000 shmuckers. It will pay for many more than thirty two caster turns of upkeep for the Glade of the Hippiemancers. They were a good friend to have.
“It’s really not that much.” Ossomer pointed out reasonably. “This hex alone has three times that in just infantry stacks. Those dwagons must be at least double.”
Tanya double checked the dwagon’s upkeep. Two threes, two fours, four fives, and a six? “Yes, over double, with only one forty-seven on top. But that’s an elite stack” Commander units increased their upkeep at a greater rate per level than other kinds of units.
Bill-Bob grumbled, his heartstring burning with envy. It was too strong of an emotion to subtly prune, so Tanya refrained from casting date-a-mancy. That wasn’t going to end well, but as long as HobbitTM refrained from doing anything about it until after this war, it was fine. She did spend a little bit of juice to send a note to Maggie to reinforce the border, though. Just in case.
The accommodations in Offshoring were rather lousy in comparison to pretty much any city Tanya had ever spent the night in, losing even to Trilateral, which would be second place. It had beds, although they were lumpy and uncomfortable, and it lacked proper facilities, like Gobwin Knob used to before she instructed Sizemore to install indoor plumbing. It was somehow more aggravating and unpleasant than camping in the field was, despite being objectively superior conditions.
All in all, by the next morning Tanya was sorely considering using the scroll Maggie had scribed to cure headaches to make up for the poor sleep.
“Hm, they’re attacking Trilateral.” Tanya commented as she sat at the battlemap that was set up at the top of Sweatshop Tower.
“How are the Jojos holding?” Ossomer asked as he started looking at known positions around that city.
“They haven’t penetrated the walls yet, so okay for now.” Tanya said as she watched the battle from the eyes of one of the freshly popped Recon Knights, waiting in the airspace. “They created a lot of duplicate units to fill out numbers, and I assume those are also duplicates of Jerry and Boomstick.” She was honestly shocked that they were able to duplicate that many uncroaked. “...Wait, duplicates use upkeep as a basis for their juice costs, don’t they?” Tanya asked.
“Yes.” Ossomer said authoritatively.
“Uncroaked have less upkeep than when alive, do they use the old value or the new one?” Tanya asked.
“...I am unsure.” Ossomer admitted. “I do know golem duplicates cost one fourth of the original production cost rather than a cost based on the golem’s upkeep.”
Tanya thought for a moment. Okay, uncroaked are really cheap to animate per unit upkeep due to… Oh. “...I am beginning to understand how they managed to pull three thousand uncroaked infantry from nowhere.” Including a rather large contingent of digger units. Did they croak their own units to get the bodies for this? They probably used scrolls to extend their juice supply too…
What’s the mathamancy? Ergh, 80% chance to lose the city. Elya and Visha are in that city! “Bill-Bob, does Count Gambler have juice to lend aid?” She asked.
“Yeah, he does.” Bill-Bob admitted. “They’re not hitting here, so what do you need done?”
Tanya used date-a-mancy to send a message to Visha. As the target wasn’t a master-class thinkamancer, it was substantially more expensive of a spell to use, but it was still functional. “Boost Lady Victoria von Secret’s attacks. Her whole stack’s attacks.”
“Got it.” He said, scribbling orders on parchment and sending it through his hat. After a moment, he got a note back. “It’s done.”
Tanya sent a much simpler ‘go’ message, and saw through the helpless scout’s eyes as the wall fell to the uncroaked diggers and minertaurs. Right as the enemy leadership made its way through the wall, Visha’s stack, which was also Yogi the Mighty’s stack, dropped down on the Chief Warlord and Caster duplicates. The Smash damage bonus allowed the heavy knights to clear out all screens and the caster, and Visha lopped off the head of the Chief Warlord duplicate with a luckamancer-boosted crit… hold on.
Tanya smiled widely. “That was the real Jerry!” She said, as the decapitated head failed to depop. With the uncroaked army’s bonuses suddenly gone, the numbers dropped at a catastrophic rate, quickly vanishing entirely, only small amounts of dust remaining from the uncroaked that weren’t duplicates.
The losses were substantial, half of the Jojos croaked between the walls and the fighting that Visha’s stack held back from until the command units entered the garrison zone, but the city held.
“That is excellent news.” Ossomer said, “While I’m sure they possess an adequate replacement, it is still a substantial blow to their forces.”
“It’s the beginning of the end, for Rightshoring.” Tanya said firmly.
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By the time the arrogant Epic Showdown was willing to attempt surrender, it was too late: the Royal Crown Coalition had already decided to fully unseat the troublesome Overlord and install Prince Bill-Bob in his place as King.
Even with so many warlords to split experience with, Tanya did eventually level to eight. Along with the extra centimeters and the increase in side-wide bonus, her hair ended up growing substantially. Not that her hair didn’t grow with the previous levels, she had entered the world with shoulder-length hair and it was about a quarter down her back at level seven, but now it trailed three quarters of the way down her back, equally fluffy and artfully curled throughout the whole length.
It was very pretty, and a nice reward to cap off the five hundred thousand shmuckers she got from her portion of Rightshoring’s treasury combined with razing half of their cities. It was a lot of money, objectively. Jetstone got just as much, and HobbitTM… got RingCo, their new subordinate side.
All that was left to resolve this war was the long walk back to Yojo Mojo territory. Fortunately, she didn't need to participate in that part.
After all, she can enter the Magic Kingdom openly again.
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“You've grown so much!” Grand Abbie Janis Atlantis said as she enveloped Tanya in a hug. She was one of the larger denizens of Erf, so Tanya was still shorter than her. “Your Signamancy is much more in alignment now.”
That statement gave Tanya pause. Wait… she looked down at herself. The first thing she had done upon returning was to order Ace to create for her some magic clothing, specifically something that allowed her to carry large amounts of objects.
The new dress was designed for comfort, first and foremost. It had a faux military jacket at the shoulders, covering only her ribcage, with corsetry keeping the dress part flush with her waist. The skirt was not separate like some of her other outfits, instead spilling out from the corset to fall to her knees, with a split in the front that could be buttoned up if things got chilly. The outfit was finished off with silky stockings, high heeled shoes, and a large ribbon on the back of her head. The whole thing was lined with artful frills, and she thought it made her look quite cute. Ace did good work.
But when looking down, the first thing she saw was her cleavage. It was a bit of a shock when she realized that she had grown up enough to possess such a thing, but while the delcottage was modest, it was hers. That thought filled her with a sense of… pride?
…Now that she thought about it, it was a little strange that she had grown so comfortable with her developing body. She had expected, last year when she was still in the orphanage, that it would be hellish, that the mental anguish that tormented her at the start of this life would return with renewed fervor… but it didn't.
Was it because the age skipping meant she missed out on the worst of puberty? Whatever magic that healed her every morning letting her skip out on the worst facet of being a young woman? That sounded plausible…
…Bah. There was no point in dithering about it now. She was a princess now, wearing cute dresses as everyday wear was just part of the package.
Janis was looking at her in concern. “Would you like to talk about what's bothering you?” She asked, cutting to the heart of the matter.
Ah, there was no way she could conceal her troubles from a master-class date-a-mancer, much less one that originally popped in the discipline. “...it's a complicated story.” She eventually said.
“I'm probably the only one, aside from the Great Minds, that can provide counsel to you.” Janis said, “If you recall what we discussed in your first trip here.” A tiny trickle of juice from the Grand Abbie brought the memory to life, when she mentioned that she contributed to the Summon Perfect Warlord spell’s creation.
Hm. She was right. As one of the only people to know she was summoned, she was uniquely qualified. Further, she was one of the closest things this world had to a therapist, or a confessor. “...we’ll need plenty of privacy.” Tanya admitted.
“Of course. Follow me.” Janis said, leading Tanya deeper into the Glade of the Hippiemancers.
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Tanya exhaled, letting the drugged mist escape. It wasn't her first hit on Janis’ hookah, but it might be the last. “...and that's the situation.”
Janis exhaled her own breath of drugged mist. Every time Tanya took a moment to imbibe, Janis took a hit of her own, and took extra besides. “I must admit, I didn't expect such a wrought tale.” She said, thinking deeply on Tanya’s story. “A false Titan, or worse: a real one, being repopped with completely different Signamancy… but it makes sense.”
Tanya didn't expect that. “It does?” She asked.
“Mhmm.” Janis hummed in agreement. “One of the first few lines of Scripture on Man was that we were made partially in the Titan’s image. From there, it's not so hard to imagine a Titan with mortal foibles, but without mortal limits.”
“...I suppose you have a point.” Tanya said, thinking about how even in her first two worlds, man was supposedly made in Being X’s image.
“Further, Signamancy isn't a one way street.” Janis said, without a trace of incoherence from the drugs they had been inhaling. “Yes, something’s inner nature informs its outer appearance… but it works the other way, too. You found being a Princess a useful thing, so you took in the nature of a princess inside of you and now you have a hard time thinking of yourself without that fact influencing your image.”
Tanya frowned, thinking about the lesson. So it was like signaling theory. She acted in the most beneficial way to her, to influence the opinions of others… but ended up influencing herself as well. “But was it just me? Could the crown that have me the royal special be doing it?”
Janis hummed. “That's a difficult question, Tanya. As I've told you before, knowing things is altogether inferior to feeling them. You dig?” Tanya winced. “What do you feel about the situation? Are you bothered by the you of today, who has changed from the you of one hundred turns ago?”
“... I'm more bothered by the fact that I'm not bothered.” Tanya said, taking another hit from the hookah. The floral taste of the steam filled her mouth and sinuses as she took a toke.
After Janis took another hit of her own, Tanya exhaled and continued. “I should be bothered, right? It hasn't even been four months. That's not long at all.”
“A lot can happen in one hundred turns, Tanya.” Janis said, mist spilling out of her mouth as she spoke. “In that time, you've gone from powerless to one of the most personally powerful unit in the world, you went from friendless to having comrades you can enjoy life with, and while yes, you faced war in either life, here you get to be in charge, a master of your own Fate, as it were.” She looked upwards, rethinking her words. “Well, perhaps not that last bit. There are a few prophecies regarding you, still. But nevertheless, is it so strange that you'd find yourself happy?”
Tanya nodded dumbly, although she will probably worry about that last part later, when she was less mellow. “Why did you help create the Perfect Warlord, Janis?” She asked, changing the topic. “It seems out of character for a Grand Abbie.”
Janis flushed, the one question disturbing her inner peace more than any of the worldview shattering revelations Tanya had dropped. “It's a bit silly.” She admitted, eyes dropping to watch her hands worrying at her skirt. “The thinking was, that if we summoned a perfect warlord, we could… make war obsolete.” She looked up at Tanya, her eyes hungry, desperate for an answer. “Do you think it can be done?”
Tanya’s heart ached as the answer immediately came to mind. “No.” She said, wiping away tears that snuck up on her. The drugs are making her emotional… “The biggest obstacle to world peace is that people here like war. They see it as their purpose. Every turn, more and more units pop with that opinion, even if some amount of those people disagree.” she shook her head slowly. She'd worked it out before. Financially, you could have peace, but there wasn't much in the way of productive work that wasn't war. You'd be trying to design a post-scarcity society with effectively hereditary nobility. Not a good mix. “I don't see any way of fixing that problem, and even my wild, probably won't work ideas are beyond what I would consider an ethical solution.” That wasn't even talking about the effects of the world's religion. War was this world's purpose, and the holy books back this up. “It’s terrible, but as long as there remains demand for war, as long as the preference for war remains a holy mandate… It will persist.”
Janis sighed sadly. “It was always just a hope.” She said softly. “Still, identifying the core issue is the key problem, and you managed that. It never really comes up in our drum circles that the warlords want war. It’s understood, but it was always kind of… waved away.”
“Not just the warlords.” Tanya clarified. “When I was building up Yojo Mojo, I had to cast moneymancy to demote field units to garrison. We had plenty of the former, but little of the latter. For half of them, they basically acted that they were getting disbanded, being set to a peaceful existence that would only ever be broken by the city getting invaded.”
“Hm. Perhaps what bothered them wasn’t the peace, but-” Janis said before Tanya interrupted.
“There’s more.” Tanya said, shaking her head. “When attempting to turn enemy prisoners, continued life didn’t really motivate them. They didn’t care much about croaking. What they cared about was the chance to pick up their weapons and fight.” Tanya sighed. “That promise, no matter how remote, that if they changed sides, they’ll have another chance to cut off another unit’s head or stab them or whatever. That’s what convinced them. This is what you are working to fix.”
“I see.” Janis said, sad but accepting. “The issue is greater than we understood. I suppose in our glade, the problem seems simpler than it does outside the magic kingdom.”
“If you really wanted to fix the issue, you would need to implement a form of natural selection.” Tanya said grimly. “Create a system where peace-loving units survive, and war-loving units perish. Controlled conflict would do, and the opportunity to enjoy conflict by proxy would probably satiate the violent desires of some units.” It would be like sports. Theoretically. “You would need to conquer the world before you could even attempt such a thing, but that’s the only way I can see to maintain peace long-term: give the battle maniacs and warmongers what they want, without giving them the power to affect geopolitics.”
“An interesting perspective.” Janis allowed, disagreeing without saying so. “If you’d be willing, I’d like to invite you to a discussion with some of the more philosophical Hippiemancers, we could discuss this further.”
Tanya looked at the hookah. “Will there be more of this?” She asked. It actually felt kind of nice, to be able to say what she was thinking without worrying about the consequences.
“We pull out the best stuff in these meetings.” Janis assured her. “I feel we’ll need it to open our minds to the far out perspective you’ll bring.”
“I’d be glad, then.” Tanya said, grinning despite herself. An evening of philosophy and relaxation sounded nice. “When’s the next meeting?”
“At night, in three turns.” Janis said. “Now, do you feel better about what was troubling you?”
Tanya thought about it. In many ways, her life now was even better than it was when she was working her way up the corporate ladder. Yes, it was a bit existential, to realize the extent to which she’s gone native… but was that really such a bad thing? She’s always liked wargames, and now she was living one. As an overpowered special unit, even. It’s not like it was this world’s fault that she was a girl, that blame can be laid firmly at Being X’s feet. She had always prided herself on being able to adapt to what society demanded of her, to succeed by signaling the right things, regardless of her personal feelings on the matter. This was just… a step further than that.
There wasn’t even any objective reason she could think of to not want to be a girl. Pregnancy wasn’t a thing in this world, she would have menstruated at least once by now if it was possible, and there wasn’t even anyone who objected to being led by a girl, much less one who dressed like a magical girl. It was just… normal here.
Tanya slowly nodded. “Yes, I do.” She said to Janis’ question. “I am Tanya von Degurechaff, Princess of Yojo Mojo.” Who she was before… she was still them where it mattered. Clinging to things that are irrevocably lost was irrational. She’s had eight years to mourn her manhood and all that came with it. It wasn’t even a matter of accepting it, but instead accepting that she had already accepted it. “Thank you for your counsel.”
“Oh, I didn’t do much. You just needed someone to talk to, to listen to you say your thoughts out loud. I find that so many problems in life can be solved that way.” Janis said, smiling sadly.
Tanya disagreed, but nodded anyway, accepting Janis’ modesty. “For your trouble.” She said, manifesting a set of ten one thousand shmucker gems. “-and your discretion.” The flower power/signamancy combination that Janis had cast to obscure their conversation from any prying eyes was not a small spell, so her payment was quite reasonable.
Now, she should sleep this off, she’s starting to see colors that she doesn’t recognize…
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One person that she never expected to meet in the Magic Kingdom, particularly when she was exploring the Hocus Pocus octant, was Wanda Firebaugh. She had Marie Lavere, her Predictamancer friend, with her.
Wanda’s outfit immediately made Tanya think ‘Demon Queen’, the natural enemy of the magical girl princess. “Tanya.” She said in greeting, inclining her head as she gripped the Arkenpliers. It still had an otherworldly aura around it, a form of weight that was difficult to describe.
“Wanda.” Tanya greeted in turn. She inclined her head towards the dark-skinned caster as well. “Marie.”
“It’s good tah see you again, Tanya.” Marie said, smiling mysteriously. “We’ve been expecting you.”
Tanya resisted the urge to scoff. “Is there something in particular that Faq wishes to communicate?” She said formally. While it turned out for the best, she was still rather annoyed with Wanda for leaving her holding the bag like that.
“We’re not heah for Jillian.” Marie said, as if the Queen’s opinion actually mattered with Wanda around. “Ah wanted to talk to you about your Fate.”
Tanya suddenly recalled Janis mentioning prophecies the day before. Ah, right. She never did inquire about those, did she? “I’m listening, for now. But don’t assume I’ll believe a word you say.” This wasn’t a secure area. She spent some juice on her foolamancy senses, to detect anyone eavesdropping. Good, no one for now.
“You’ve been fighting Cholly.” Marie said simply.
“He’s been hired against me.” Tanya corrected. “We have a mutually profitable relationship, thus far.” Charlie wasn’t particularly happy about how it was mutually profitable instead of just profitable for him, but it was exactly where Tanya wanted him.
“Tha’s not gonna last.” Marie pronounced. Was that a Prediction? “Cholly’s been fighting Fate for a long time. Evah since the last Perfect Warlady went back home.”
Tanya’s eyes widened. Back… home? “That’s possible?” She asked quietly. What did she mean by home? If she could go back to the Empire, that’s a non-starter. But… if she could go to one world… why not another?
“I was there when she went.” A man said from behind Tanya. Who? Tanya finally noticed the foolamancy that had caused her to not be able to see his perspective and thus could see through it. Ah, Jack. As a master-class foolamancer, of course he could outwit her weaker mastery of his discipline. “Her name was Judy Gale.”
Jack spun one hell of a tale, using foolamancy to convey the majority of the tale rather than using normal words. Supposedly because it was more secure. Charlie was a carnymancer, Fated to be killed by a Perfect Warlord, and far more powerful than anyone else suspected. To be clear, Tanya already knew that he was very powerful, but his true strength was still greater than she could imagine.
Supposedly, the reason Jack was telling the story was that the three of them had Signed an agreement to keep things secret, referred to as the Deal of a Lifetime. What little Marie had said was the most she was capable of saying on the matter. However, Jack had been croaked in action about a tenturn ago and was decrypted (which was the super-uncroak that the Arkenpliers used, and aside from some signamancy changes, he was indistinguishable from a living unit), and thus was free from that agreement.
If they were just spinning a tale, their motive was simple: They wanted her to attack Charlie with them. Either by joining Faq, or by allying with them. They claimed that Fate would nudge things in her favor, guaranteeing an intelligent strategy’s success. If it was true, it was a con worthy of the carnymancer that they claimed Charlie was.
Tanya was not convinced. “The Great Minds can corroborate a fair amount of the information that Jack has given you.” Wanda said, finally speaking after letting Marie and Jack take the lead for so long. “Not everything. I do not believe they are aware of Charlie’s personal history, but your summoning was orchestrated by them specifically to croak Charlie, and that is something you can confirm with them.” She seemed somewhat melancholy as she said one last thing: “It looks like you will be taking the hard way to fulfill your Fate. Let us hope that the pain you experience on your path will be worth your pride.”
With that, the group of Faq casters left.
Comments
Dragonin
Wow. I’m going to blame being on my phone for not noticing that I switched what story I was commenting on.
Kevin Curry
Wrong story.
