Kevin Curry
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Summon Perfect Warlady 1 (Youjo Senki/Erfworld)
🕑 Added 2023-02-01 15:01:00 +0000 UTCThis one's a little obscure compared to the other stuff I've played with, but with that little Christmas short story Rob Balder sent out to their email list, me and a buddy who is also a fan talked about this concept. The mystery box vote happened to win before I got a different idea, so here we are.
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Most people would assume that the eight year old girl, an orphan that decided to volunteer for the military in order to seek her fortune as an aerial mage, would be terrified. That she would dread her destination as entered the military recruitment station in her white dress, for she was signing up to possibly fight and die in battle for honor and glory, which were not generally considered something little girls desired.
Most little girls were not Tanya Degurechaff. The reincarnation of a fully grown man, punished for the crime of mouthing off at a divine being by reincarnating without forgetting their past life, while also being placed in a cursed life in order to ‘enkindle faith’ in the man. Despite the fact that he never actually voiced that unflattering opinion until the being had already read his mind and got offended about them.
“I’m here to register for the military. Here are my papers.” Tanya was fairly confident they could manage military service, if they were an officer. They had a lifetime of wargaming, and a keen interest in military history. This world had an odd timeline, as despite the fact that it was the 1920s, World War I hasn’t happened. Or rather, hasn’t happened yet. So their encyclopedic knowledge of the first two World Wars, if applied intelligently, should be able to provide them a significant advantage in strategic and tactical knowledge in comparison to their nominal peers in officer’s school.
Maybe they could “invent” a wargame, and thus set up a potentially lucrative business after the war? They certainly had a lot more experience with those than any real military experience; While it was possible to obtain a gun license in Japan, it was difficult, so they had extremely limited experience with firearms, beyond first-person shooters. Ah, thoughts for later.
“...Really?” Asked the recruitment officer dumbly.
If one was to put a word to the emotion they were feeling at the recruitment station, it would be frustration. Sure, they knew they would have to struggle with getting taken seriously as a little girl, but they, apparently, underestimated the degree of difficulty. “Yes.” They said to the recruiter as he questioned her resolve.
The man, rotund with his black hair styled in a way that Tanya was fairly certain was not permissible in military regulations, just shy of a pompadour, really, looked at her application again. Her official mage testing paperwork was attached, including the notice of registration for conscription. “Why?” He asked, uncomprehending of the picture in front of him. Tanya bet he’d be eagerly processing it if they were as tall as they used to be. No one ever disrespected someone who was nearly two meters tall so blatantly. Damn Being X and him making them so short.
“There are no other paths available.” Tanya explained.
“...But this doesn’t mean you have to sign up right away.” The recruiter said needlessly.
Tanya glared at the man, channeling the same gaze they used in their last life. This gaze had cowed delinquents from picking fights, and miscreants who had violated some workplace regulation or another and felt like trying to intimidate them. It seemed to startle the recruiter, but it did not last. Damn Being X. “Conscripts cannot become officers.” Tanya explained slowly, so he could follow basic logic. “Therefore, I must volunteer. Public education is inadequate to prepare me for this, so the sooner, the better. The official position on mages in the military, signed by the Kaiser himself, is that there is to be no minimum age for their service. Therefore… do your job.”
Tanya was beginning to think the man was drunk, given that vacant stare. “You realize you’ll need to pass basic training, right? Marching, carrying weapons, all that?”
That’s it. “I. Know.” Tanya said through gritted teeth. This damn bureaucrat. Damn Being X. “I will have to use my wits and sheer guts to grit through whatever trials you put before your prospective officers. At least, the ones who don’t have some titled ponce of a parent greasing the wheels until they glide smoother than anything you’ve ever accomplished without liters of lube. I will sharpen the human knives of the Empire, and turn them against the Kaiser’s enemies. I will personally kill as many foreigners as required to be taken seriously.”
…They may have been a bit too honest there. Tanya took a deep breath, and cleared her throat. “If I could become an officer right now, by snapping my fingers?” She said rhetorically, preparing to do just that. “Leave everything behind me, and deal with things like a General? With maps, figures, and logistics? I would. But that’s just not the world we live in. I stand here with nothing, no backing, no title I know about, no history. I have to build up respect the old fashioned way. Thus, do your job, for there are no other paths before me but war.”
The recruiter still hesitated. Tanya had predicted that their best chance was when there was only one recruiter at the station, with the rest having gone to lunch. That gamble had clearly failed. “What do you want?” They shouted, incredulous. What a slacker! “Do you want me to say I wish to be a princess? Like a ‘normal’ little girl? That would certainly be a step up from here! If this were a world where I could snap my fingers and become a princess, or a military officer, I would. But I am a mage, and the Empire’s stance on mages is that they must become soldiers. If not willingly, they are damned to become conscripts, which is worse.” She brought up her fingers again. “See? I’ll test it. I’ll snap my fingers and all of those things will come true. Goodbye, see you never.” She snapped her fingers.
PLOT!
After staring at the location where the little girl used to be for two minutes, the recruiter immediately took out a beer stein from beneath the desk and drank deeply out of it.
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This was absolute bullshit. Snapping their fingers wasn’t supposed to actually do anything… Damn you, Being X.
They heard a faint voice, high-pitched yet masculine, that spoke with a distinct American accent. “Okay, I want them to be terrifying. Someone who can glare with menace! Anyone who sees them, commanding the battle, should be terrified that this is the one who is croaking them!”
What? Tanya couldn’t make sense of their surroundings, as they warped and twisted in a way that escapes their comprehension. It was… a colorful tunnel of some kind? Something you’d see in a sci-fi setting, or something where the protagonists get sucked into a computer, like Digimon. She couldn’t feel anything, or smell, or even hear, only her vision provided her any stimulus at all.
A more feminine voice replied to the command: “I thought we agreed that we were seeking the perfect military mind. A strategic genius, not some terror weapon.”
“I want that too!” The first voice replied. “I want them to know all about war! Someone who plans wars for fun! Even the boring stuff. Especially the boring stuff!”
Were they… talking about Tanya? One one hand, it only vaguely describes them, and rather unflatteringly at that. But why else could they hear this?
“Also,” the male voice added. “I know the spell will bind them to serve me, “ It will WHAT? “...but I don’t want a morale case. Bring me someone who wants to be summoned, who wants to lead armies and won’t be squeamish at croaking.” Ah. They were describing Tanya. This was some kind of summoning into another world situation. The only question was, how likely was it that this would be even worse than signing up for the Imperial military as an aerial mage?
“And don’t forget the basics.” The male voice continued. “They have to speak Language, breathe the air and things.” That was actually rather considerate of him to specify, if they were doing something where that could not necessarily be the case. “If they have a cool special, make sure it works here.”
“I am not a Findamancer!” The woman shouted back, strained. “I was looking for a mind! All of these physical requirements are too much!”
“Oh all right.” The male voice said petulantly. “Find your genius. Just make them scary. Can you do that much, Commander?”
“Thank you, Lord.” The woman replied, relieved. “I have them.” At that, Tanya felt acceleration, enough that they feared for their safety if they hit something. Okay, their sense of balance was working, too. “Isekai!”
POP!
All of Tanya’s normal senses were restored to them as they crashed to the floor. Their head was swimming, stabbing pains preventing them from standing and providing a good impression on what was probably their new boss. As horrible as everything was… it might leave them in a better position than the Imperial Military. They’ll just have to see. Besides, this doesn’t make any sense if it was Being X’s handiwork, so perhaps… he’s not involved?
“What? Wanda, she’s tiny! You screwed it up!” The male voice, now much clearer, complained. Tanya’s headache spiked at the words, the noise not helping one bit. “I can’t even see her points!”
Tanya stood up to her full, unimpressive height. This would be no different than going to work with a hangover. Easily accomplished. They gave their best glare to the man, promising him pain if he doesn’t shut up. He wanted scary? “Explain.” She commanded.
It seemed to work approximately as intended, as the man flinched back, who Tanya could now see wasn’t much taller than they were, despite clearly being middle-aged. What in the world?
The woman, who was taller but still quite short, “Warlady. You have been summoned to serve Lord Stanley the Plaid, and lead his armies to victory.” Well, that first word was clearly a title. They won’t dispute it. Also, ‘the Plaid’? He wasn’t wearing any.
“You’re telling me this dud-wearing waif has led battles?” Stanley asked, incensed. He pointed to Tanya. “You! How many battles have you led?”
Before they could think of a diplomatic way to burnish their resume, Tanya’s mouth immediately replied with the truth: “Never personally.”
“Have you ever croaked anything? Ever?” He asked next. For some reason, Tanya immediately intuited ‘croak’ as a synonym for ‘kill’. It must be some kind of translation magic in play. Just as obviously, things like insects did not count.
Just like before, Tanya’s mouth spoke the unvarnished truth before they could think better of it. “No.” This was bad. Despite his stature, Tanya knew this man was dangerous. They suspected that if he had to count the number of things he’s killed… he would have long lost count.
“What do you have!?” Stanley shouted.
“I’m a mage.” Tanya replied, quickly seizing on the opportunity to sell themselves. The headache ebbed as they followed Stanley’s order willingly. “I have an extensive knowledge base of military history and tactics. I’m a quick study, and I’ll ki- croak anyone you want croaked.” That immediate response thing was likely the mind control that was mentioned. So promising that doesn’t mean anything, as they’d probably do it anyway. Damn this man, even Being X didn’t resort to that.
“...WANDA!” He shouted at the woman, who was staring wide-eyed at Tanya after their declaration. “You summoned me a caster? I could have hired fifty casters for how much money I spent on this useless spell! I need a Warlord!”
“What kind of caster are you?” Wanda asked. “What spells do you know? As Chief Caster of Gobwin Knob, I need to know these things.”
Uh oh. Admitting ignorance here would be the absolute worst idea. What does an Aerial mage actually do? Besides fly? Claiming they can fly without being able to would be a fool’s errand, to be sure. What level of technology do they have?
“Answer the question, caster.” Stanley ordered.
As before, Tanya’s mouth immediately betrayed them. “I don’t know.”
“What do you mean ‘you don’t know’?” Stanley said, even angrier. “When did you pop that you don’t know what kind of caster you are?”
Once more, Tanya had to rely on the curious translation magic to divine the answer to his question. ‘Pop’ means… It was a surprisingly complex concept. But the most accurate answer is… “Just now.” They said. They had just arrived in this world for the first time with a popping noise, and that was about eighty percent of the meaning right there. They couldn’t calculate their exact age anyway, so they ended up discarding the ‘how old are you’ context to the question.
Stanley’s anger exploded at Wanda. “You summoned me a freshly-popped caster? You’re useless! She doesn’t have anything! No leadership, no specials, tiny scraps of juice, the spell was supposed to Summon a Warlord! So we could promote her to Chief Warlord!” He glared dismissively at Tanya again. “Well, if the spell says you’re a warlady, I’ll just have to promote you to Chief Warlord. Chiefly because we don’t have anyone else.” He grinned at his little pun. Tanya felt… something. An expansion of their senses? Some kind of presence, but it was them?
Stanley and Wanda were both staring at Tanya in shock. Wanda spoke first. “A caster… with Leadership.” She said, with a voice laced with awe.
“A warlord with casting…” Stanley said, a grin creeping on his face before it vanished. “A level 1 warlord with casting.” He corrected, chagrined, before sighing. “Wanda, make sure this tiny impossibility knows what’s going on. I’ll handle the rest of the turn myself.” He stormed off, grumbling to himself.
Wanda sighed. “Fate’s whims are inscrutable as always.” She said to herself. Turning to Tanya, she asked: “What is your name, caster? I am Wanda Firebaugh, Chief Croakamancer of Gobwin Knob.”
“Tanya Degurechaff.” Tanya replied. Being X scrubbed their old name from their memory as part of the ‘reborn a woman’ curse, so it’s not like they could change it. “Also, do you have a spell for headaches?” Healing magic would be so useful right about now.
“Yes.” Wanda replied, before immediately dashing Tanya’s hopes. “Oh, you mean, to cure one? If I had that, I’d never stop casting it.”
“Boop.” Tanya said, rubbing their temples. “Wait. Boop? I can’t say boop?” Well, a natural censorship filter was not one of the things Tanya thought they’d be inflicted with. Well, they’re not one for cursing much, so they’ll just have to live with it. Also, test the limits of it later. They just realized everyone was speaking English, but despite not having had cause to use that knowledge for years, it was just as natural as German or Japanese. So speaking in other languages might not even work.
“Right.” Wanda said slowly, before changing the subject. “So you know you are a caster, but know no magic?” She asked, to confirm.
Tanya nodded. “That’s correct. I was tested for magical potential, but did not yet receive any training.”
Wanda’s face twisted into a strange expression. “You have memories of what happened before you popped?” She asked. Drat.
Tanya was nothing if not a quick thinker, however. Just answer confidently. “Correct. My pre-pop education was unfinished, so I may require information on things you may consider basic knowledge, particularly on any magical subjects.” Hopefully they phrased that in a way that made sense.
Wanda stared at Tanya, probably attempting to intimidate them. She had a self-assured stance that knew that she was the deadliest one in the room, but Tanya knew her weakness: Stanley had her in his thrall as well. Tanya didn’t have any concrete information to this effect, but it made sense: Wanda seemed to loathe the man, but still did whatever he said, and even called him “My Lord”.
So Tanya stood their ground. They weren’t entirely sure what level of authority being promoted to ‘Chief Warlord’ granted them, but given that her title was ‘Chief Caster’, Tanya imagined that they were officially peers. In fact… could she give orders on Stanley’s authority? Does the mind control Wanda (and Tanya) suffer under extend that far? “Explain the various classifications of caster.” Tanya commanded.
They felt… something as they focused on Stanley’s authority and her status as Chief Warlord as they sent the orders. Wanda scowled, but opened her mouth and obeyed Tanya’s orders: “There are three elements: Matter, Motion, and Life. Each combination of these, eight in total, “ Which meant that ‘none of them’ was a valid category. “-constitutes the magical schools. Each school is further divided into three disciplines, with the axis of Erf, Fate, and Numbers dividing each one.”
Tanya smiled. They can work with this. “You say your discipline is Croakamancy? Describe its components on that scale, and the typical services you provide Gobwin Knob with that magic.”
Wanda’s scowl deepened. “Croakamancy is Naughtymancy on the Fate axis. Naughtymancy uses the elements of Motion and Matter. The typical spells are the reanimation of uncroaked units from the bodies of croaked living units” She pointed at Tanya. “Now stop giving me orders or I will make you regret it.”
Ah, they had perhaps overstepped. Still, Tanya won’t show weakness to this woman. “Then perhaps you should follow Lord Stanley’s orders and appraise me of the current state of Gobwin Knob?” Tanya tried to specifically avoid the mindset that allowed them to invoke Wanda’s mental leash. It seemed to work, it didn’t feel like it did anything like that.
Wanda hummed. “Well, the first thing you should know is that we have only the one city left, the capital of Gobwin Knob… Gobwin Knob.” Tanya nodded along. “In a few turns, “ a few what. “We will be besieged by the Royal Crown Coalition, an alliance of Royal Sides with the express purpose of croaking Lord Stanley and ending our side. They outnumber us twenty-five to one.”
Tanya was beginning to understand why Lord Stanely decided to gamble on an apparently expensive spell called ‘Summon Perfect Warlord’. “How are our defenses? What are our strongest offensive assets? Do we have air power?” Tanya asked.
Wanda sighed, but answered anyway, turning to leave and gesturing for Tanya to follow. “We are a level five city, “ What? “With a full complement of garrison units, and additional defenses, both natural and created, to make this one of the most fortified cities in the known world.” She said. “It is not enough to win against those numbers.” Moving on to the next question, she added: “Both of your other questions have the same answer.” Tanya likes the sound of that. “Lord Stanley’s arkenhammer is capable of taming Dwagons without fail, and we have popped a fair complement of them as well. We have forty-six, as of this morning.”
That did sound fantastic, but… should they just assume that dwagons are dragons? Oddly, the names of creatures didn’t have that mystical translation attached, clarifying unspoken points. They’re big, scary, and fly, so even if they aren’t, they’re close enough. “Asymmetric warfare with the… dwagons… will be our best bet to winnow the enemy’s strength. What of our intelligence? Do we have knowledge of the enemy composition?”
“You’ll need to ask the Eyemancers for specifics.” Wanda said. “But we know everything about their unit composition and positioning, as well as the terrain. Their intelligence is much more limited.”
“Perfect.” Tanya said, with a grin. “Asymmetric warfare demands the exploitation of every advantage possible, and intelligence superiority, combined with air superiority? That’s a good one.”
This sounded like a difficult scenario, but still potentially survivable. The most important thing was preserving their own life, of course, but it would leave a bad taste in their mouth if they failed in their duties, no matter how involuntary it was. They signed up for a life of violence in the short term, so whether it was the Empire or this ‘Gobwin Knob’ didn’t really matter, did it?
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Wanda had assigned a tall fat man with one eye by the name of Bogroll to be Tanya’s lackey, and commanded another caster, Sizemore, a “Dirtamancer” (Erf axis of Stuffamancy, which is the magic of Matter), to educate Tanya in all possible matters, after she received news of a prisoner, presumably having left to torture the poor sap. The man was something of an academic, apparently.
He was also rather insightful, as he had more or less immediately figured out that Tanya had no idea how this world conducted war. Fortunately, he was also a bleeding heart with the soul of a teacher, as he immediately set about educating Tanya in these deficiencies with a compassionate smile and a promise to keep their ignorance a secret. Unfortunately, he seemed squeamish about killing: He was inappropriately cheery when he was told that Tanya had never personally croaked a unit, and given that he was the side’s source of chemical weapons, this was not a good thing, when it came to managing this human resource. Tanya may need to order him anyway, given his explanation about how caster bonuses to golem-class units worked.
Apparently, this world was essentially a wargame. Wars were conducted between ‘sides’, headed by a ‘Ruler’, who was responsible for the economic aspects of the side, while the actual war strategy and administration was instead handled by the Chief Warlord. Tanya was the only living warlord on the side, with all the rest being uncroaked, unable to do much more than provide a passive bonus with their Leadership and echo the orders of more intelligent commanders to their ‘stacks’. Stanley used to be the Chief Warlord of Gobwin Knob, so that lifted Tanya’s apprehension of the ruler conducting the war instead for the turn. He had experience. They’ll just have to hit the ground running next turn.
Right, that. This world was not a real-time strategy wargame, but a turn-based one instead. Every side had a ‘natural turn’ which had to do with the age of the side. Alliances aligned that turn with the latest possible one, so Gobwin Knob took their turn before the Royal Crown Coalition. A few sides could theoretically break alliance after their turn and take their next turn before Gobwin Knob, which Sizemore confirmed was possible. Tanya would have to be careful of that. There were practical limitations to such a maneuver, as there was no such thing as ‘being at war’, only ‘allied’ and ‘not allied’, so only the smaller contingents within the RCC would be capable of it to prevent infighting from the unled units.
Which was another disturbing thing about this. Non-commanders, that is, warlords and casters, were debatably sapient, and universally aggressive to anything not of their side. There were exceptions, like scouts who were capable of hiding, but most games had general rules with exceptions so Tanya just accepted it. Sizemore was somewhat less than helpful when it came to the cost/benefit of each unit type, unfortunately. He couldn’t even quote their upkeeps as a shorthand, the cost in shmuckers that each unit drained from the treasury at the start of every turn.
At the end of the frantic cramming session, which lasted all night… Their clothes suddenly felt clean and new, their sweat and overall dinginess from the vagaries of life was gone, their hair was neat and soft, and their teeth even felt like it had been given a go-over by a dental hygienist. They felt cleaner than they had been their entire second life. “What in the world?” Sizemore had mentioned that all units healed at the start of the turn, but he left out exactly what that meant.
Still, one of the hallmarks of a wargame instead of a war simulation was simplified logistics, so not having to bother with sanitation was, in hindsight, expected. It was just a little strange to experience personally. They knew more than one person in college who could definitely use something like this.
What it did not do, on the other hand, was banish their tiredness. They’ve pulled all-nighters before, though, so it wouldn’t be anything new to them. They’ll just have to make sure to nap during the other side’s turn. They’d only have to do anything if they literally invaded the city, so they’ll have the time.
Stanley had relayed orders, telepathically, to meet him in the Situation Room for breakfast. This was one of the places Wanda had made sure to give them directions to during the tour yesterday, so they knew where to go. Bogroll was an eager lackey, and had even gone so far as to craft some metal armor for Tanya’s use, overnight. It fit perfectly, and was designed to be worn over their dress.
“Well, looking sharp!” Stanley complimented when he saw their new armor. “Sit. We’ll talk after breakfast. Most important meal of the day.”
The instant Tanya sat down, food appeared on the table with a popping sound. It was… a konbini bento. Exactly the kind of shelf-stable meal that they would stock for a quick breakfast if they were running too late to make a proper meal. Tanya smiled at the familiar food, digging in with gusto. With the meal, came two things: a cup of coffee, which was sorely needed, and… a pair of earrings? They were jeweled and gaudy, but also… kind of reminded Tanya of a wireless earpiece, although they couldn’t quite point to why they thought that.
Stanley laughed. “The treasury puts your upkeep at nearly one thousand shmuckers a turn, it better come with more than just food.” He pointed to them. “Put them on.”
Tanya immediately complied, knowing that if they didn’t, they would just end up doing it with a headache. They looked back at Stanley, and a blue box appeared in their vision.
[Overlord Stanley, Level 11]
Attack: 35
Defense: 35
Hits: 21
Move: 21
Specials: Leadership, Attuned, Knight
Tanya’s eyes widened. They can see the stats of units now! Stanley must never know that they couldn’t before. “I believe I like them, Lord Stanley.” They said, careful not to sound too enthusiastic.
Stanley grunted. “They look okay.” He said neutrally. “Now, we’re going to start up the battle board, and I’m going to show you where everything is.” When Wanda had initially mentioned the Eyemancers, Tanya had assumed that they merely had two of the same discipline. Not so. Eyemancy was Life and Motion elements, split into Lookamancy (Erf), Thinkamancy (Fate), and Foolamancy (Numbers). Scrying, mind magic, and illusions. One of the capabilities of Thinkamancy was to link the minds of casters together, to allow spells greater than the sum of their parts. Needless to say, this dominance allowed for unparalleled intelligence gathering. That will be critical in the coming turns.
There were some caveats. The link was fragile, so you shouldn’t refer to them by name, only by discipline, and it tied up all three casters to do. It was already doing what a thinkamancer and lookamancer would be doing, but it did waste the foolamancer’s contributions to improve the other two.
Oddly, as Stanley went over his actions in the previous turn, the positions of the few remaining assets of Gobwin Knob, and that of the enemy, he had ordered the ‘twolls’, the large fat men that Bogroll belonged too, even if he was the only one with a single eye, to create a duplicate of the map. They were able to do so with surprising dexterity, creating a map that provided all the information they needed. Also, he had spent five minutes ordering no one to look at what he was looking at, scanning the map for… something.
At the end of the briefing, Stanley clapped his hands. “Well, that’s everything, champ. Now, your orders are to keep the side solvent for as long as possible. You’ve got no chance, so I’m outta here. I can’t take all of the dwagons, so you’ll get to keep some for that plan you mentioned, but the rest? I’m going to need them.”
What? But… “You’re running? Where?” Tanya asked.
“You don’t need to know.” Stanley responded darkly. Tanya’s lips practically welded shut before she could dispute this. “This isn’t a hard job. Just do whatever military genius you’re supposed to have to make the royal ponces need to put in actual effort to conquer this dump.” He jumped down from his stool and gave the Eyemancers one more order. “Break your link.”
…How did it come to this?
Comments
Kevin Curry
The rough thing I came up with is that moneymancy spells tend to fall into three categories: 1. You gotta spend money to make money. Providing discounts to things by dumping their juice to make more money as it's being spent. 2. Auditing. Getting intel on the enemy via their finances. 3. Conversion. Cashing in things with value and turning them into shmuckers, or spending shmuckers to do things you couldn't ordinarily spend shmuckers to do. As a secondary benefit, they get tons of knowledge on how to min/max the income/expenses of the side. This doesn't cost juice tho.
Chris Larson
Huh you know I figured that they would spend their juice on making a few schmuck, maybe dropping the prices on new units or city upgrades or even new cities as they use their juice to "get a good price". Not sure if they could lower upkeep on top of that, feels a bit too overpowered.
Kevin Curry
I also made my own Erfworld RPG with the aforementioned friend. I'll be pulling mechanics stuff from there. Fun fact: Nowhere does it ever say what the fuck moneymancers spend their juice on. This was incredibly frustrating to me, so I had to make something up. That's an easy example of something that I'm going to port into this fic if it gets voted on to continue. I have the full battle of Gobwin Knob planned out, as well as a little bit afterwards.
Chris Larson
*spitntake* Somebody else remembers this series? Holy shit!
