Kevin Curry
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Devil's consultancy 22
🕑 Added 2025-03-31 14:00:13 +0000 UTCNot exactly my best work, but it's a fun pair of scenes, lots of background exposition, a few fun jokes.
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Unfortunately, John Constantine was not an easy man to get a hold of. Well, for her it wasn’t. He always picked up Batman’s calls, he just hung up when Tanya started talking.
So he was now avoiding her. Unacceptable. Unfortunately, when she tried going through Swamp Thing, he informed her that John was off in the hellplanes on business that he wasn’t keen to share with the Avatar of the Green. John had left a contingency with Swamp Thing, but he wasn’t going to be opening that until the magical curse that was bound to John’s life had faded. He also refused to let Tanya use that curse to track him, but it was for the best: Tanya was leery of going to the hellplanes.
As she reached out to Professor Blood in her civilian guise, he at least pretended (she was still somewhat unclear on what he does or does not know about her) that her not having had the chance to sense Joker’s magic directly until recently was a plausible thing. “I have no idea where he learned such efficient animation, or who was so skilled as to create him.” Professor Blood admitted, “He’s both alive and dead, and he somehow manages to confound any spell that references him being one or the other. It’s made the puzzle of his existence increasingly annoying to decipher.” Ah, that is annoying. She was wondering why the Joker was so resistant to all but the simplest, bluntest tracking spells. She had assumed it was some deficiency on her part, related to the fact that Batman (and by extension, her) still didn’t know the Joker’s real name. Searching the cosmos for information on living things and dead things required somewhat different approaches, so her failures made sense.
“Would these be surmountable obstacles?” Tanya asked, “If you were to be incentivized to dedicate yourself to the task?”
That stopped the professor short. “It… is true that I haven’t been putting all possible efforts towards the Joker.” He admitted, thinking on the matter. “If you’re talking about commissioning me for a project, to unravel the secrets of the Joker’s immortality…” He seemed intrigued.
“From what little I understood of it,” Tanya said, “It has something to do with binding the souls of his victims, metaphorically dragging a chorus of ghosts around with him to suffer in his place.”
“That’s my read too.” Professor Blood confirmed. He sipped his tea.
“The real problem is that he’s using Homer’s principle to forge a myth around himself to obscure details and reinforce the core effect.” Tanya groused, “Tying himself to Gotham’s natural magic.”
Professor Blood snorted. “There’s nothing natural about Gotham’s magic.”
Oh? “I didn’t know that.” Tanya said humbly. “It’s very old, at least.”
“That much is true.” Professor Blood confirmed, “But it’s the work of an occultist from the founding of Gotham, making the place a…” He took a moment to pick his words carefully. “Think of Gotham as a deep pit… or perhaps a gravity metaphor would be more suited… How’s your understanding of physics?”
“Fantastic in practical matters. I solved astrophysics problems, as a hobby, a long time ago.” Tanya said, somewhat proudly. “The higher theories… not so much.” She best not mention her knowledge of aerospace and ballistics calculations. No, her brief space phase when she was in high school will suffice.
“Then imagine Gotham as a big pit. With sloped sides.” Professor Blood said, gesturing a bowl shape with his hands. “As I’ve already taught you, ley lines are ever-shifting flows of magic throughout the cosmos, and what I neglected to teach you earlier was that normally, a place like Gotham, stuck in one geographic location, isn’t supposed to be steeped in magic for so long. It makes a place… strange. It doesn’t clean itself, and whatever tendencies the local magic build up and become exacerbated over time in a feedback loop.”
“...It seems like that would make it incredibly easy to use Homer’s principle.” Tanya concluded.
“It does. Joker’s trick mirrors Batman’s, as both of them use that to their advantage.” Okay if he’s still only playing ignorant as to the connection between her and Rhine, he’s really good at it. “So the occultist’s work funnels magical energy into Gotham, and as Gotham developed a magical… ecosystem, if you would, although the proper term is domain, it started pulling appropriate energies from further and further away, while also filtering out opposed energies.”
“Where does the anti-Gotham energy go?” Tanya asked, genuinely curious. Wouldn’t that lead to a place that was nice and idyllic, where people would feel comfortable being kind and charitable? Maybe even a spike in life expectancies?
“It’s a lot more diffuse at the exit point, but it’s somewhere in the central United States. Kansas, Nebraska, Colorado, around there.” Blood replied, as usual he was quite willing to answer intelligent questions. “I don’t monitor the area, you’d have to ask someone more in tune with global phenomena to get more information; You have Justice League contacts, Nabu would know.”
“...Nabu?” Tanya asked, confused.
“Dr. Fate.” Professor Blood clarified, “He’s one of the Lords of Order, which is a much smaller group than the hordes of hell or the heavenly host but are similar entities. Nabu is bound to a helmet, and possesses hosts.”
Ah, that explains a few things. She hasn’t had a lot of opportunity to observe Kent Nelson out of costume, but she was under the impression that he was rather shy in comparison to when he’s wearing the mask. “Thank you for the information. It answers a few things.”
“Your demon pact will put you on his shitlist, Tanya.” Professor Blood warned, “But you may be able to manipulate him either through patsies or through procedure to get the information off of him; bureaucracy is one of the Lord’s of Order’s weaknesses, and as he’s a member of the Justice League, an organization that he’s not in charge of, that’s something you can use. Report the anomaly, get it turned into a case file, into their systems, arrange for him to be consulted on it. Their website is well-made, it would be easy with the knowledge you possess and your magical credentials.” Of course the website is well-made, she’s the one who designed it. Well, mostly. She really just wrote up the requirements, got Lucius Fox to task the relevant personnel to its creation, played client to refine it closer to her vision, and then got Barbie to turn it into something that the Justice League could use for potential alien technology reports instead of ArcWayne’s magical reporting system, while also being aesthetically different enough that it’d be obvious that it was just copied rather than made by the same hand.
Tanya hummed. “Thank you for your advice, sensei. It makes sense that one of the Lords of Order would have such a weakness.” Even if she’d need to take a lot fewer steps to consult Dr. Fate than Professor Blood seems to think. She was beginning to believe that he was genuinely unaware of her being Rhine in disguise, although given that he said ‘demonic pact’, he probably assumed that she had some kind of deal with Rhine like Batman supposedly did.
“Back to my previous points,” Blood said, turning his chair around to look out of his office window dramatically. His reflection was meeting her gaze. “Gotham’s magic is not natural, but all the same the Joker using it like he is means that the only one who can effectively strike past it is Batman himself.” Well, Tanya’s pretty sure she can usurp Batman’s legend for that, but it’s good to know that she’d need to… which would also weaken her ability to use other magics enough that there’s no chance she could break whatever he’s got going on behind that veil. Teamwork it is! Some kind of exorcism? “I’ll do the research you want, on how to dismantle his protection and send those souls to their normal destinations…” He paused, considering. “-or offer them up to your patron, I’m not judging.” He added, “For fifty million dollars.”
“Done.” Tanya said immediately, it was a reasonable enough price that she’ll pay it out of pocket if she needs to. “But I want enough supplementary information that I can use that research to handle other soul-related or ghost-related problems like this.”
“Reasonable.” Professor Blood replied, “I’ll be sure to structure it into a nice textbook for you.”
“That should satisfy the bean counters of the necessity of the expense.” Tanya affirmed, using her image as an executive to give an excuse. “Something tells me that even Gotham accountants would hesitate to approve a ‘killing Joker’ fund that large.” Well, the ones hired by WayneTech would anyway. Others might instead ask if there was a communal fund they could contribute to.
“You should call up Lex Luthor, ask him how he hides his Superman killing budget.” Professor Blood suggested jokingly.
“His incentive structure as CEO in accordance with his employment contract includes a ‘personal projects fund’ that he can use with minimal oversight, as long as he doesn’t hire prostitutes with it or similar he’s got basically free reign.” Tanya idly explained, “Legally it’s bulletproof, the only crimes he commits by using it are the actual murder and terrorism charges, and as it’s still Lexcorp’s money, he doesn’t even pay income taxes on it.”
Professor Blood, who she already knew was not versed in the intricacies of tax law, blinked in surprise. “How is that legal?” He asked.
“Anything he makes with that budget still belongs to Lexcorp, and he only retains the intellectual property rights that are also outlined in his contract.” Tanya said, honestly a little impressed at Luthor’s gumption with the whole thing. “Of course, the definition of “field testing” covers many situations, and as the head of those projects he can design and execute any tests he deems necessary without needing to take personal possession of the devices in question.” Like killing Superman.
The good professor nodded along to her explanation, his keen mind fitting that information into his understanding of law. “Well, as informative as that was, I believe I have some work to do. Send two million of the payment to the usual account for expenses, I’ll send a progress report every week.”
“A pleasure doing business with you.” Tanya said sincerely. She loved academics, they didn’t spend so much time punching things with hellfire or whatever.
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Tanya would like to say that the “real” identity reveal hadn’t changed anything about how the Justice League treats them. That would be a lie.
For one, the Batcave was now part of the Zeta Tube network, albeit with heavy security clearances required, so if they got bored they saw no issue in treating the Batcave as a secret clubhouse, much like they treated the Watchtower as a not-so-secret clubhouse.
“So how long have you played this game?” Flash asked conversationally, his fingers moving at a pace that didn’t provoke motion blurs. He was also testing out an anti-speed force magic circle that was drawn around the chair he was sitting in. If he still had access to the Speed Force, he was keeping it to himself for now. He was playing the fastest character, naturally.
“Since it came out, so less than a year.” Tanya replied, focused as she maneuvered the space furry into position to knock the Flash off the screen. “I don’t get that much play time due to… stuff.”
John Stewart grunts in irritation as Richard knocks his sword-wielding prince off the other side of the screen. “Bruce works you hard?” He asked.
“Nah, Alfred’s the taskmaster.” Richard said quickly. “If it was just Bruce, all she’d have to do is whine and he’d let her do whatever she wants. She can bring out the crocodile tears in a second.” He had his character use its singing move, which was like a taunt, but even ruder.
Tanya felt like she should be offended, but the boy spoke only the truth. “Crying on command is quite useful, yes.” She agreed, sending one of her favorite mascots flying into the sky. “But Bruce is quite aware of my demanding schedule, so he doesn’t see any harm in indulging whatever whim I come to when trying to act childishly. It’s excellent for our cover.”
Richard scoffed at her deflection, but it was an old argument: in his mind, assuming the childish persona in private, when there were no known observers, and finding child-appropriate activities that she genuinely found entertaining, made the argument about it being a cover moot. As if she could just flip a switch and perfectly act in that manner with no practice, and she could actually tolerate boredom for that long.
…Well, she had seriously considered using magic to essentially drug herself into an infantile state of mind during the early, awkward stages of living here, but the thought of living in a haze like that reminded her far too much of when she tried that to escape the pain of hellfire, to limited but non-zero success. No, using positive thinking to find enjoyment in her act was far better.
Once the match ended, John huffed, frustrated at his poor performance. “Ring, is there some kind of disaster the Justice League’s being called for? Or might be called for soon?”
“No, Lantern Stewart.” The AI that ran Green Lantern’s ring replied, “Furthermore, the local network is equipped to sound an alarm if such an event occurs.”
“Anything in space I could be doing?” John asked, annoyed.
“Nothing detectable by the Watchtower’s sensor suites, nor do you have any unread messages from Lantern HQ.” The AI replied. Where could she get one of those?
It was a slow day… “Please don’t leave.” Tanya asked politely. “If I’m not entertaining guests, I’ll have to go back to piano practice.” John hadn’t lost Alfred’s respect yet, like Wally did. Him, Alfred would just show the door.
“You can play piano?” John asked, surprised.
“Look, when you earn your own billions, you can be as eccentric as you want. When you inherit them, there are standards that you have to meet.” Tanya explained, thinking back to how weird some of the tech giants could get. “I had to pick an instrument and a sport.”
Richard spat to the side, commiserating. “Couldn’t pick something we already knew how to do, either.”
“...Lives of the rich and famous, I guess.” John muttered as the next game started. As was his habit, he switched characters instead of trying to learn one, picking the villainous turtle dragon. Tanya kept her kitsune, Richard switched to the other pink puffball character, and Wally kept with his quilled annoyance.
“I do have a few questions about the rest of the galaxy, actually.” Tanya said as she once more flip-kicked Richard’s puffball upwards and dodged his special drop move, as he didn’t quite hit the kill-zone above the screen.
“Super mode!” Flash crowed as his character broke the special move sphere and got to transform. Tanya just kept dodging to avoid him.
“Damn it!” John groused as he was once again killed in the game. “What is it? I didn’t spend that much time out there, and most of that was in training on Oa.” He grimaced. “With Hal.”
“Hal?” Tanya asked, curious.
“Hal Jordon, the first human Green Lantern.” John explained, “He doesn’t come back to Earth very often, and when he does he’s on vacation so he doesn’t use the ring unless he has to. He wasn’t on the planet during either alien crisis.”
“Having a second Green Lantern would have been so cool…” Flash said ruefully.
“Sectors don’t usually get multiple Green Lanterns.” John retorted, “If they do, one of them’s probably a rookie, getting some on the job training. If not, it’s because the planet’s a real hotspot and needs it. Last I heard, after the Thanagarian invasion he swapped spots to the next Sector over, on the far side of the Vega system.”
Wait, she’s heard about that one from J’onn. “Isn’t that the one that’s only 26 light years away, has an absurd amount of life-bearing planets, and is the galactic equivalent to the Balkans?”
“If by that you mean ‘constant ethnic tensions that frequently boil over into war’, then yes. Somewhere around twenty intelligent species call the system home, and they all hate each other.” John groused. “It’s also a no-go zone for Green Lanterns, for some goddamn reason.”
“Lantern Stewart does not have the security clearance required to-” The AI began before John shushed it.
“Yeah, it’s where that warlord found his army, few years back.” John added, “I don’t know a whole lot about the place, but if trouble is going to come from anywhere, it’s probably going to come from there next.”
“Fifty bucks says it doesn’t?” Flash immediately offered.
“I’ll take that action.” Richard said excitedly, accepting the bet just so he could say that and sound cool.
“Eh, it’s not fun unless you care about the money.” Flash said, dismissing the bet. Richard slumped in disappointment.
“I wouldn’t want to take your money, anyway.” John grumbled, “Vega system’s always spitting out trouble for everyone else, the only question is who it’s making trouble for. It’ll happen soon enough. “If we need backup, my Ring will send a message to Hal and he’ll get to be insufferably smug about coming to help.”
That’s good news. “Well, my question was about what’s outside the galaxy?” Tanya asked, wanting an actual answer from someone who might know. “Is it just nothingness? Are there other galaxies?”
“No.” John said, “The universe is bordered by the Source Wall, which is about a thousand lightyears away from the edge of the galaxy.” Not very far at all, then. “It’s a sphere, though, not a disc like the galaxy is.”
“So what’s on the other side of it?” Tanya continued.
“Heck if I know.” John said dismissively. “Ring?”
“Lantern Stewart does not have the security clearance to view data related to the Source Wall.” The AI replied.
“I always assumed it was, like, other universes.” The Flash said, “Y’know, places where you were never born, made different choices, stuff like that.” He glanced at his phone for messages. “I know a few good comics that explore that kind of thing.”
“I think I remember a Green Guardsman comic about that.” John mused.
“You’ve read it!” The Flash exclaimed happily. “But, uh, I gotta handle something. Back in a Flash!” He left the anti-speed force circle, took a moment to mentally adjust, and zoomed away.
“I could go for a break from this game.” John grumbled, still annoyed at his losing streak. “You got any shooters? I haven’t had a chance to play the newest Duty Calls.”
“I have all the shooters.” Tanya retorted, standing up. “But I only have this console set up in the Cave, we’ll need to go upstairs if we want the good stuff.” She looked over to the Bat Computer. “Unless…”
Alfred stopped them from doing inadvisable things with the Bat Computer’s virtual machine emulator by inviting John to Bruce’s entertainment room instead, which was already among the most secure rooms in the manor due to it being one of Bruce’s ‘private meeting rooms’, where he can get other rich people to admit to things that they would never in public. The open bar with liquors worth more than John’s house supported this purpose. It was locked up most of the time, though, and only Alfred had the key. Tanya also used the room occasionally to let her metaphorical hair down and play age-inappropriate videogames, both with and without Richard, but it was a good time to use it.
Tanya laughed as she got yet another series of headshots with her pistol. “Boom! You rookies still stink of your mother’s milk!” Was she using her old Great War-era insults? Yes. Was it still funny? Absolutely.
“You little brat!” Replied the enemy over voice chat. “I’ve been playing these games since you were in diapers!”
“I thought that tag on a kill notification looked familiar!” Tanya retorted, bouncing a grenade to score even more kills. “I must have killed you then, too!”
John seemed a little disturbed at her trash talk as he patiently sniped anyone who tried to use the map’s main thoroughfare. “Look, let’s just calm down and play the game.” He offered.
“But listening to PixyStix’s trash talk is half the fun!” Richard complained.
“Maybe if they could give me a challenge I won’t have all this extra attention to spare.” Tanya boasted, knifing one of the enemy team in the back. “You’re holding back our skill average, GL, me and BrdBrain usually fight way harder guys.”
One of their teammates chuckled nervously. “Yeah, twelve year olds are always either total noobs or digital gods, no in between.”
Another teammate of theirs scoffed. “This is not a game you should let little girls play, man. It’s not right. You’re a terrible dad.”
“Lay off him, at least he plays with them.” The final member of their team said, defending GL.
“I’m not their father.” John said immediately. “That’d be my coworker.”
“Also, I’m not twelve.” Richard complained, “I’m fourteen. And I’m going to graduate high school two years early.” Meaning: Next year.
“I’m totally twelve.” Tanya lied.
“You’re eight.” Richard corrected.
“Don’t dox me like that!” Tanya faux-whined. She finally resembled something close to her actual age now, which was nice. She was not looking forward to experiencing puberty at sextuple speed once she stopped taking those drugs. She looked this age for years, and she was this size for most of her military career, so she was very used to it.
“That’s not what doxxing means.” One of their teammates helpfully provided.
One of their enemies unleashed a blistering streak of profanity as Tanya once again killed him with her pistol while avoiding his grenade. Tanya pretended to gasp in shock, but was grinning widely at getting him to lose his cool.
At the end of the match, Tanya was quite satisfied with her score. It may have a subtly different name, but this was the series that Being X called her a murderer over, so it was fun to enjoy it once more, without having to worry about that sanctimonious asshole.
It was way better than piano.
Comments
Dragonin
I could absolutely see X being a big enough asshole to count kills in games against a person. Probably a good thing that she didn’t like the 4X space civ games. Also nice to see her hanging out with her dad’s friends, and Blood being awesome is cool. If they manage to un curse, Gotham, even if it’s just the Joker. Thiswill be the first time I have seen that happen ever.
Layout
PixyStix’s is a good name, but PixyStixHammer would have been better. Another great chapter.
