Kevin Curry
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Devil's consultancy 30
🕑 Added 2025-06-23 14:00:08 +0000 UTCI know this one contains a bit of a surprise crossover, but it is absolutely canonical to at least one Batman property.
I also feel obligated to remind y'all that this story is primarily a comedy/slice of life, so silly chapters like this one is more true to my vision than the more action-packed ones.
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“Road trip!” Tanya exclaimed, hopping into the luxury sports car that Richard was at the wheel of. She had left her nails unpainted, matching it with black lipstick, and had accompanied the choice with a light dress with gothic stylings, using fishnet sleeves to keep it cool enough despite it being early summer.
“Master Dick, that’s the last of your luggage.” Alfred said, closing the trunk. It wasn’t that much, just some clothes. Everything sensitive, like his new vigilante gear, was stashed in Tanya’s dimensional storage. “Do be careful, the speeds this vehicle can get to are profoundly unsafe on public roads.”
“In my experience, the interstate is rarely in bad enough shape that you can’t cruise at a hundred miles an hour.” Bruce opined, “But why do you have to go all the way to California? Gotham University has a great criminology program.” Tanya did feel kind of bad for springing all of this on Bruce at the last minute, but the boy insisted on keeping his choice of University a secret. The sad thing was that Bruce was entirely capable of finding out the information, but he was too occupied with his activities as Batman to look into things like Richard’s university applications unless he was consulted; Richard was just too used to having his assertions of independence be dismissed to want to bring him in to be consulted.
“I’m done being a sidekick.” Richard said, the first time he actually voiced that decision to Bruce. “I’m going to Jump City so I can fight crime on my own terms. By the time the next semester starts, I’ll be well-established.”
Bruce hummed. “...Tanya, you knew he was doing this?” He asked.
“Sorry, Daddy.” Tanya said, looking away. “I ensured he’ll have backup, and he’ll be part of the Titans initiative, so he’ll be able to work with the police immediately.” Garfield was still in high school and had no plans to attend college, but Victor had also graduated and was already setting up to take courses with Lexicon University, LexCorp’s online schooling program that was one of the best in the world for STEM subjects, so moving them into the Titans Initiative base was easy. “I even slipped in more funding and security technology than most Titans bases get, so he’ll be well supplied.” Needless to say, most of them don’t get anything as fancy as a skyscraper base in the bay.
“Not that I’ll need it.” Richard insisted arrogantly.
“You’ll need skilled subordinates.” Tanya insisted, “Even Bruce was never a one-man show, early on he had Alfred and Lucius helping him out, then Harold, then us, Batgirl, and so on. Each addition to the team increased the effectiveness of Batman’s operation.” Mostly. Sometimes there was a temporary dip, but that’s just how onboarding went.
As was now typical, Richard refused to acknowledge her logic, but his refusal to engage with the statement was agreement enough. “We’re going now.” He announced, “Tanya, buckle up.” Despite his increasingly irksome rebellious tendencies, being contrary just because, at least he didn’t lose all sense.
“Don’t do anything crazy while we’re gone, Daddy!” Tanya said brightly. She pointed to Alfred. “Make sure he doesn’t do anything crazy.”
“If only I could, Miss Tanya.” Alfred said, his face the specific brand of impassive he gets when he’s trying to avoid laughing. “If only I could.” He repeated, resigned.
“Stay safe, you two.” Bruce said, “You have your phones? Your cards? Your panic buttons?”
To make him feel better, Tanya pulled the items in question out and showed them off. “We can handle anything we encounter, and I’ll be back after he gets situated. Two weeks, a month tops. It’ll be fun!”
“I still don’t like this.” Bruce grumbled.
“It’s summer vacation, Bruce!” Richard snapped, “A cross-country roadtrip is one of the least dangerous vacations there is! You’re overreacting.” He started the engine, but didn’t peel out of the driveway yet.
Bruce grimaced. “Okay, you’re right, Dick. You can handle anything the interstate highway system has to offer. I’m just concerned about… targeted attacks. You did kind of announce your plans to the world.” Richard did post on social media about his road trip…
“I can handle random kidnappers, Bruce.” Richard deadpanned, “Hell, even if I had four broken limbs, Tanya’d kill anyone who tried it.”
“I would.” Tanya agreed. “One hundred percent self-defense, no jury would convict me.”
“Sir, perhaps you could use this time to take a vacation of your own.” Alfred offered, “Perhaps something with the lovely Miss Diana?”
Showing exactly where Richard learned how to avoid admitting they were wrong, Bruce changed the subject. “Just remember to call. Even if it’s just to check in.”
Richard growled in agitation and got the car moving. Tanya gave Bruce a big thumbs up before they left the property, though.
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Once they finally got out of Gotham, after a quick stop for Bat Burger, it was theoretically a straight shot down I-80 to Jump City. Naturally, they refused to take the direct route. Not only was that no fun, there were a few stops they wanted to make. So they went down I-70 instead. Well, 78, they didn’t actually reach 70 until the end of the first day of the trip, after a couple of interchanges.
Crossing the United States generally took five to seven days, depending on stops and exactly which parts bookended the trip. Between their incredibly fast car, more or less straight route, and a bit of cheating to drive better in the dark, they could probably have done it in two days of extremely punishing conditions, but instead they budgeted a full week so they had time for their side objectives. After all, if they wanted to get there as fast as possible, they could simply teleport.
The first day passed uneventfully, they ate at a gas station that for some reason had a short order grill that sold a full lunch service; Richard had enough fried chicken to constitute a whole bird while Tanya ate a hamburger that required her to use magic to fit it into her mouth. The slush machines that came with half-gallon servings were much less of a surprise.
They stopped for the night at Amity hotel, which had a sign on the highway that was far too low quality to be officially condoned by the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation. It was about four miles away from the highway down a dirt road, with a rather substantial amount of trees obscuring the terrain on the way. If they were anyone else, Tanya might have been concerned about how remote the place was.
The hotel appeared to be an estate that dated back to the Civil War, bare minimum. Reasonably good repair, but it was definitely weathered. Richard maneuvered the car to a spot that seemed like an acceptable parking space, three paces behind what appeared to be a literal hippie van, garishly colored with paint declaring it the ‘Mystery Machine’. It was painfully stereotypical.
The Hotel had a few other buildings in the area, much more modest; they also looked more modern, so they were probably added after the place was converted into a hotel; there was a convenience store, a restaurant, and four other buildings that looked residential, probably occupied by the proprietors of the other locations. On the porch of the convenience store, there was an old man on a rocking chair. “Howdy.” He called out, whittling something with his knife.
“Hi!” Tanya waved, shoving Pizza down into the car before the toy golem could freak out the random civilian.
“Is the hotel open?” Richard asked with a light shout, scanning the area.
“Yep.” The old man said, “But you might want to clear out; it’s haunted.”
“Haunted?” Tanya asked skeptically. There was a haunted mansion that she hasn’t already heard of? She doubted that. “Why don’t you leave, then?”
“The ghosts don’t mind us locals.” The old man explained, unperturbed by the questioning. “But they hate outsiders. I don’t know what Gertrude was thinking, turning the manor into a hotel.”
“I’m not scared of ghosts!” Tanya declared in an unnecessarily dramatic fashion, puffing up her chest and standing on the sports car’s seat. She kicked Pizza back down into the footwell.
“Yeah, something tells me that whatever you guys have isn’t going to move the needle compared to Gotham.” Richard subtly boasted, waving off the old man’s concern. “How bad could it be?”
“Oh, they’re going to raise some hell tonight.” The old man said, nodding to himself. “Those ghost hunters are riling them up something fierce.” Ghost hunters? Tanya looked at the hippie van. It didn’t look like something that any self-respecting ghost hunter would drive.
Richard got out of the car and started putting the hood up. Tanya stunned Pizza with a jolt of magic and took it out before hopping out of the car, the golem hanging limply instead of acting on her subconscious direction. “Get us some snacks, I’ll sign in.” Richard said, activating the car’s security system, equal to the Batmobile’s anti-theft defenses. Ever since the tire incident, Bruce had secured the Batmobile against any attempt short of lifting the thing and carrying it off or tearing it apart for scrap metal (and even then the vehicle wasn’t helpless), and he insisted that they take the sports car with the improved security instead of Richard’s motorcycle, like he initially wanted to.
“‘Kay.” Tanya said, walking towards the old man. “Is this place open?” She asked.
“Is now.” He said, getting up from his porch and walking inside the convenience store. “Hope you got cash, girl.”
Tanya picked out some jerky for Richard, and some candy for herself. For some reason, the convenience store had bags of popcorn. “...There a drive through movie theater or something around here?” She asked.
“We have a spot to hang a screen out behind the restaurant.” The proprietor said, “The equipment broke a bit ago, though, so you missed out.”
Hm. Tanya checked the sell-by date and, finding it weeks into the future, grabbed two bags of buttery grains. She liked popcorn, and the proprietor would probably be relieved to offload the inventory. He didn’t look like it when she brought her purchases to the counter, though. Ah, spending so much time around Batman was making her paranoid, not everyone was suspicious if they didn’t act exactly how she anticipated!
The proprietor grunted and squinted at her when she reflexively brought out her card, so she blushed in embarrassment before putting it back and bringing out one of the rolls of cash she had in her purse. One of the more minor skills Bruce drilled into them as part of vigilante training, which Tanya didn’t always participate in but did occasionally, were the habits of gangsters, so they had a stash of cash rolls premade with a random assortment of bills: at least fifteen one dollar bills, ten to fifteen five dollar bills, five to ten ten dollar bills, five to ten twenty dollar bills, and up to five hundred dollar bills. Tanya had grabbed three random bundles from the drawer full of them in the Batcave for expenses and slipped one of them into Richard’s jacket for the trip, just in case.
If the old man noticed the suspicious way she stored her cash, smoothly extracting the exact number of bills needed, he didn’t say anything and happily rang her up, giving her a few coins in change that she discarded carelessly into her dimensional pocket the instant she was out the door.
As she walked towards the manor with an armful of snacks, Tanya closed her eyes and tried to reach out with her mystical senses. She was a lot less sensitive to mana in her human forms, and esoteric energies like ectoplasm were already harder to detect with magic senses, although her demon form had additional senses that would absolutely pick up on ghosts if there were any, but she didn’t have those at all in human form. She didn’t detect anything except Pizza, who was currently pretending to be an ordinary stuffed animal tucked in her arm with the snacks.
Well, nuts. A real haunted mansion would be so cool…
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Richard was annoyed when Tanya walked in. “I’m here with my little sister, you old busybody!” He hissed, “Two beds, one room.”
“Hi~” Tanya announced cutely, smiling brightly as she walked in. “We got our rooms yet?”
The middle aged woman at the front desk, the furniture clearly newer than the surrounding estate, was briefly taken aback at the dissonance between Tanya’s gothic appearance and her bright attitude, but recovered quickly and just tutted. “Very well. One hundred fifty for the night.”
Richard’s eyes narrowed; he knew they were being overcharged for a place this low quality. He glanced at Tanya, and she gestured for him to just pay. Sighing, he did so, taking out the cash roll Tanya had slipped in his jacket and taking out the exact amount. “That better come with breakfast.” He said warningly.
“Sure does, hon.” The woman said. “Now don’t you mind those ghost hunters, they wouldn’t be the first set to be chased off by the local spirits.”
Richard grunted. “As long as they don’t wake me up.” He said, eyes narrowing.
“No promises, hon.” The woman said, “Can you take your own suitcase up or do you need me to call for the bellhop?” She was clearly joking.
But… “This place has a bellhop?” Tanya questioned, skeptical.
“No, but I bet I could get that ghost hunter to do it for a sandwich.” The old woman snarked, “Or maybe some dog treats.”
“I can handle our bags.” Richard assured her. He was carrying the travel luggage, meaning the pair of suitcases that had enough changes of clothes for the both of them to last the seven day trip without needing to dig into the trunk where Richard’s “college dorm” luggage was, including a whole wardrobe, or her dimensional storage for one of her backup luggages, stored years ago in the event she needed random clothes.
After the proprietor, who introduced herself as such and by the name of ‘Mrs. Amity’, gave Richard a dizzying series of directions to their room, they both made their way through the public areas to reach the 2nd floor.
On the way, they found an eclectic group: four young adults who didn’t look old enough to drink and a very large dog. Who immediately noticed Tanya’s armful of snacks and wandered over while the people were discussing something. “Good doggie…” Tanya whispered, unable to resist smiling, as it approached and started sniffing her face before moving on to the snacks. Tanya giggled and turned away protectively, and Pizza sprung to life, squeaking in a manner that, if the golem could form words, would absolutely be saying ‘boo’.
The dog recoiled in terror, immediately going back to his friends and hiding behind the tallest one, a scruffy looking beanpole wearing a green shirt and an expression that screamed ‘I am absolutely not sober right now’. “What’s the matter, Scoob?” He asked, looking over at Tanya. Pizza was laughing, a series of squeaks that matched Tanya’s amusement at such a large dog acting like such a coward. The man looked a little freaked out, but stayed calm in what was presumably an attempt to reassure his dog. “Got a little robot there, kid?” He asked.
Tanya walked up to the group. Pizza calmed down from his laughing fit. “He’s a golem, actually. It’s like a robot, but magic instead of electronic.”
“I heard about those…” The red-haired pretty girl said, “Don’t those things cost, like, ten thousand dollars?”
“It’s up to eighty thousand on the secondhand market.” Tanya said idly, “ArcWayne keeps raising the price, “ and the pay offered to practitioners, who get a thirty percent cut for labor, “-but they’re still flooded with orders.” A given practitioner, if well supplied and staffed with the full number of six assistants, could make only three per day, maybe four if they were experienced and worked an extra hour or two. It was not a fast ritual, the ‘core’ of the golem needed to be assembled after the sacrifice and the toy had to be on hand for the entire procedure, and the safety precautions were not simple and quick to go through. If they were powerful enough to shortcut some steps, that number went up to one per forty five minutes, nine to twelve per day, but ArcWayne had few enough of those that they were generally reserved exclusively for R&D, only performing magic on demand in special circumstances. Or if the practitioner requested to be put on the duty, but most of them were there more for the research opportunities instead of making the most money possible, and they were well compensated even without the commission pay.
“Zoinks!” The tall boy exclaimed, “What’s a rich girl like you doing in a dump like this?”
The shorter, kind of chubby girl adjusted her glasses. “This isn’t a dump, Shaggy.” She chided, “It’s the nicest hotel for two hundred miles. Even if it is a little run down compared to before the so-called ‘hauntings’.” She scoffed, glancing around skeptically at the walls.
Tanya hummed. “You see a lot of fake hauntings?” She asked.
“All the time.” The muscular boy said, clearly interested in seeing if this haunting was the real deal. “Usually it’s just someone trying to sink the value of a property so it can be bought out.”
Tanya paused. “...lowers the value?” She asked. Clearly she didn’t hear that right.
“Yeah, who wants a haunted hotel?” The red-head asked rhetorically.
“Just last month, ArcWayne bought a genuinely haunted house in Winter River, Connecticut for twenty million dollars.” Tanya deadpanned. “It wasn’t even a nice house.” The ectoplasm in Gotham was… not good. Plentiful, but of very limited utility. They found a good use for it, but purer samples of fermented soul runoff were tricky to get consistently, and had a lot more uses.
“Really…” The bookish girl said, interested. “That sounds fascinating.”
Richard started tugging her away by the plushie. Pizza thrashed but wrapped his long tail around Tanya’s waist to not be separated in addition to clutching her arm more tightly.. “Come on Tanya, we should get to our rooms. We can watch that movie you downloaded this morning.” One advantage of having a home theater was that you could just pay the studios for theatrical release copies of movies. Which you could then do whatever you wanted with. “What is it again?”
“Arietty the Borrower.” Tanya said in Japanese. “I guarantee you it’s a masterpiece.” Everything made by that studio was. Well, except that one from four years ago. Disappointing.
The last thing Tanya heard from the mysterious ‘ghost hunters’ was “Okay gang, let’s split up and search for clues!”
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The ghost hunters were not quiet about their investigation. Crashes, moaning, yelps of fright both from human and dog throats, and that was on top of the sounds of the actual haunting.
After the movie, watched via the projector her excessively fancy phone possessed and some sheets as an improvised screen, Tanya just erected a spirit ward, put on some earmuffs, and ignored the whole thing. Even when Richard got up and left the room. It had been a while since she had to go to sleep in harsh conditions, but it happened soon enough.
In the morning, Tanya showered and changed clothes from the ‘goth’ aesthetic to a lighter tone: white dress with blue accents along with changing her lip and nail color to turquoise instead of black. She also tied her hair up and wore a straw hat, as the forecast was for sunny weather along their route.
The hotel wasn’t quite trashed, but it would require a substantial investment of effort by cleaning staff to put everything to rights. The ghost hunters looked tired, with Richard among them, but they appeared to have caught someone who was literally wearing a sheet, or at least a ghost costume that was made of sheets. “Well gang, it took all night, but now we’ll see who this ghost really is!” The muscular boy declared victoriously. Richard removed the mask, revealing… someone who Tanya hadn’t met.
“Old Man Withers!” The group shouted in sync. “But why?” The tall boy added.
“Haunted houses are valuable now that magic is big business!” Mr. Withers (apparently) replied, “If I could have gotten that Wayne money, I’d be able to retire to the tropics!”
“It’s not real?” Tanya asked, disappointed. “I had my checkbook ready and everything!” She added jokingly.
“And I would have gotten away with it, too, if not for you meddling kids!” Mr. Withers continued, “And your dog, too!”
“Who’re you?” The aforementioned dog questioned.
“Tanya Wayne.” She said, reaching out for the dog to shake her hand. He did so.
Wait a minute…
The tall boy, who seemed to have either not slept a wink the entire night or had just smoked a joint, looked at her strangely. “Like, when did you get here? And where’s that other girl?”
Tanya looked at him pityingly. This was why drugs were bad for you. “I just changed clothes.” She deadpanned, which seemed to mystify the boy. Poor soul…
Richard yawned. “Well, we have to get back on the road.” He said, despite being absolutely unsuited for driving. “I don’t think we’ll be getting that breakfast.”
In the end, they ate some mediocre pancakes at the restaurant and Tanya knocked him out with a sleeping spell, which was much safer than the spell that lets you skip sleep for a while. After two hours of touching base with ArcWayne, Bruce, and a few other people that she had promised to keep in touch with over her road trip vacation, he was back up and they were only slightly behind schedule.
“Onward!” Tanya shouted as Richard started down the road.
“You know, I’m surprised you haven’t tried singing crappy road songs yet.” Richard commented.
“I knew I was forgetting something.” Tanya declared seriously before clearing her throat.
“Oh no.”
“Do you nee~d a break from modern livin’?” Tanya began, having memorized several songs for the trip.
Appropriately for the song, Richard groaned in dismay like a moody teenager. Because he was one.
Comments
MeowATron9000
I guessed Scooby-Doo as soon as I read your authors note and then I was sure when the road trip was mentioned. Lol
irregularGremlin
Love the slice of life feel, and no offence meant but the action is not why I'm reading this fic (most focus in fact) I personally prefer fluffy slice of life stuff and if I want action I usually consume an action movie or game instead of fics Oh also thanks for the chapter
