Kevin Curry
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Summon Perfect Warlady 26
🕑 Added 2024-03-11 14:00:19 +0000 UTCWithin the next ten turns, every single member of the Royal Crown Coalition besides Yojo Mojo were destroyed by Charlsecomm’s gun-wielding Archons.
Every turn, Tanya duplicated herself cheaply and promoted the duplicate to Chief Warlord, and with the anti-gun measures they had put in place, the odds of Charlie successfully sacking Gobwin Knob remained small. Charlie probably knew this, because he didn’t try his luck.
This was mostly because Prince Jack was very well paid to keep them supplied with their own guns, and he didn’t need a link to do it, just a supply of stored carnymancy. Tanya had, after some two-person links to get her started, managed to learn how to duplicate scrolls, so that lowered the cost. Sizemore had created a wand of ‘create ammo’ for her to use as well, which was critical for one of the fallback plans.
Unfortunately… it was all they could do to just keep vigilant for whatever Charlie had up his sleeve. Their finances were such that after losing so many troops their income was not only positive, but large, so they had a while before they really needed to do anything but defense.
The good news was that if Charlie had managed to unlock the powers of the Arkenhammer and Arkenpliers… he didn’t dare reveal that fact. Tanya assumed he was building back up his forces and ammunition stockpile, as he spent his effort on political games against the Great Minds in the Magic Kingdom instead of directly attacking Yojo Mojo’s fortified positions.
It was a stand-off. Theoretically, Yojo Mojo’s strength was growing at a greater pace than Charlescomm’s, just from the number of cities each has. But will that matter?
“-in summary, the Great Minds Who Think Alike are free casters,” Tanya explained, “-much like the collected Qualified, and they can choose to take on whatever contract, both informal and non, are in their best interests. Charlescomm is a threat to Yojo Mojo’s security, and were hired to oppose him in return for payment. Nothing unusual there.”
The jury of Qualified casters, which was a term for a barbarian caster that had earned enough esteem among their peers to be considered officially trustworthy with matters that concerned the Magic Kingdom as a whole, mulled over her testimony. Being hired was one thing, but the neutrality of the Magic Kingdom was considered paramount, so Charlie’s accusations of the Great Minds being the architects of the Royal Crown Coalition, if true, would be cause for censure. “Why,” Asked Varius Sundry, a Qualified Weirdomancer, “-did you hire the entirety of the Great Minds?”
“I was opposing the Arkendish. It seemed prudent.” Tanya said with a straight face. “There is a Prediction bringing myself and Charlie into conflict. While I’m skeptical as to the necessity of it, I had it on good authority that Charlie was a man who both knew and took it seriously.”
“Nonsense.” Said the projection of Charlie, who was being projected by a foolamancer hired by Charlescomm to allow him to be present. “Charlescomm would never go to violence when a peaceful resolution is on the table. Our goal is to make money to pay for upkeep, just like everyone else here.”
“Charlie, shut yer yap when it’s not your turn to talk.” Said Buck Nugget, Qualified Dirtamancer.
“Can any Predictamancer confirm the presence of such a prediction?” Asked Hatfield McCoy, also known as MC Hattie. She was a Ringmaster, a master of all three stagemancy disciplines.
Carniac, a Predictamancer with a fancy turban that screamed ‘Las Vegas performer’, spoke up. “Charlie’s croaking is Predicted to be by the hand of someone specific, yes.” He said evasively. “But not by name, per se.” He brought out a letter from his robe. “More… a description. Which would need to be entered into the record if we are to confirm whether or not it applies.”
“Irrelevant.” Tanya said, dismissing the evasion. “The key issue in dispute here is whether the Great Minds overstepped and compromised the Magic Kingdom’s neutrality in the Royal Crown Coalition’s war against Charlescomm. The specifics as to why the war was waged is a tangent that does not need deeper exploration.” Really, this was all performative. The Magic Kingdom needed to put on a show like this every time someone raised a fuss about the neutrality being compromised.
“I disagree.” The winged symbol that was Charlie’s representation said, “Because I happen to know that description, and it is of someone who should not be in this world. Someone… Blasphemous.”
“Oh?” Said MC Hattie, “Could you elaborate for us, Overlord Charlie?”
“If you plan on spinning a yarn about my origins, Carny, you can go ahead and stuff it.” Tanya snapped.
“They need to know, “Queen” Tanya.” Charlie said, “Also, your insistence on calling me a carnymancer is growing tiresome.”
“Do they also need to know your true appearance, you paralyzed whale?” Tanya asked, “I was able to see it during the battle, when we Looked into your defenses.” The Arkendish’s interference with Lookamancy weakened during the battle, but more importantly the Great Minds had the perfect excuse to just blow past it with their collaborative spellcasting trick. While they were very cagey as to the limits or lack thereof of what they could accomplish by performing a ‘synchronization technique similar to but distinct from a three-caster link’, but out-muscling the Arkendish was one of them… although they never tested it in a direct clash, so the boast wasn’t quite confirmed. The fact that they could also penetrate the “impermeable” material that the Temple was made of and the bedrock that Ivan Poe hid underneath… she could understand their caution.
“That’s enough!” Buck Nugget shouted. “Th’Queen’s right, the prediction’s not important. It was a thing, the Royals used it as an excuse to go attack Charlescomm.” He scowled at Tanya. “Or are you gonna deny that y’all just wanted to loot Charlecomm’s treasury?”
“The majority of the Coalition wanted that, yes.” Tanya admitted freely. “It’s nearly one hundred fifty million, after all.” The Arkendish also obfuscated his treasury from moneymancers, but that too was able to be divined. There was a massive gasp among the collected casters at the figure.
“...You sure about that?” Buck Nugget asked.
Tanya gave an imperious look to the dirtamancer. “I’m sure, Boop Nugget.” She smirked at her own little joke, only willing to say it because of the automagical censorship. “Normally, the Arkendish obscures his treasury, but with the Great Mind’s assistance that interference was accounted for. One hundred forty-eight million shmuckers and change was his treasury during the battle.” Also, his Shmuckers didn’t deplete during the battle as his tower recharged, so whatever he had to substitute for the Shock Exchange, it didn’t use moneymancy. What was the price he pays? Does he pay one at all? “The only sides that weren’t in it for the shmuckers were Faq, who wanted the Arkendish, and Yojo Mojo, who agreed to the endeavor under King Ansom’s reign, and whose reasoning were to improve his odds of accessing the contents of Queen Jillian’s knickers.”
There was some laughter from the audience at that line. “What about you?” Varius Sundry asked, “What motivated the great Caster-Warlady Queen to fight?”
“It was a precondition for Ansom’s abdication that I allow him his war.” Tanya lied, “But the money didn’t hurt one bit. The only reason I’m even here to discuss this court case is because my capital is too fortified for Charlie to take me out, unlike all of my former allies.”
“Charlescomm doesn’t start wars.” Charlie said agreeably. “But we do finish them. That’s a Charlescomm guarantee.”
Wanda may not have been able to get any particularly high clearance archons, but they made sure to get as much as they could from them. “Charlie’s rule number three: We are in the business of solving problems for our clients. Corollary: Causing problems for our clients makes business.” In other words… Ox Crap.
“Now that’s just slander.” Charlie said smoothly.
“Shaddup, both of yas.” Buck Nugget said, slamming his fist on the table the panel of Qualified were seated at. “I think that’s all the testimony we need, anyone else wanna ask the rulers stuff while we have ‘em here?”
“I got one.” Said Shockamancer Castle Punisher, one of the few naughtymancers that have mastered both Shockamancy and Croakamancy, earning the unofficial multi-mastery title of ‘Frank’. “I heard you were going around calling yourself a shockamancer. What’s up with that?”
Tanya shrugged. “I possess an artifact that lets me use higher level shockamancy than I otherwise would. It’s useful, although I’m the only one that can use it properly. When I first came to the magic kingdom, it was the only magic I could cast reliably.”
“Hm. Now, you can cast… how many was it, again?” Asked Varius Sundry.
Tanya counted on her fingers for effect. “Six. None at Master-level, I don’t count the shockamancy, even if the power is at that tier.” Moneymancy, Mathamancy, Date-a-mancy, Foolamancy, Rhyme-o-mancy, and Dittomancy, in that order for competency, four at adept and two novice. She’s thought about finishing off the axis with weirdomancy, but hasn’t gotten around to it. “The trick is that each discipline requires a different mindset, a different understanding on how the world works. It’s a lot easier to understand as an outsider looking in, as I don’t need to make other disciplines fit my own worldview, I adapt my thinking to each discipline instead.” And understanding that this world was essentially a wargame made by the ‘Titans’ made thinking of things in terms of numbers, game mechanics, and programming a lot easier. “Well, maybe eight if you count really minor tricks I can only barely use.” She’s learned two minor thinkamancy tricks, and she can use a little bit of shockamancy without her wand by now. It’s just much weaker, but if she ever finds herself unarmed, being able to conjure a lightsaber will be very useful.
The collected casters burst into private discussions on her words. “I would be happy to conduct lectures on my findings of numbers axis magic and the commonalities and differences I’ve noted.” Tanya offered to the collected casters. “For a small fee from the attendees, of course.” The ‘Grand Bargain’ among the magic kingdom largely prevents casters from spying on such things, but that only applied to the barbarian casters. Also, Tanya got the impression that the Great Minds were largely amused by people thinking that they couldn’t get around it.
“Noted.” Announced Buck. “Now, anyone else?”
“So what do you plan to do now?” Asked the now-barbarian Prince Jeftichew. How he managed to survive she didn’t really know, but a lot of the Royal Crown Coalition’s surviving casters had managed to make their way to the Magic Kingdom. “The crowd’s clearly curious.”
“Classified.” Tanya immediately said. “We’re done here.” She continued, turning on her heel and walking away.
There was no way she was telling them that she had no idea how to break this stand-off.
---------------------------
In the end, the legal strategy of slinging mud at Charlie every time he tried to do something worked out, and Charlie was unable to secure a censure for the Great Minds.
The former territories of the Royal Crown Coalition were being eaten up and split off to other sides, with sides like Haggar, Carpool, Metroland, and even further off sides filling in the gaps the coalition in general and Faq in particular left in the landscape. Yojo Mojo remained an unassailable bastion, aggressively defending their borders but claiming no city sites beyond their fortified position. .
They discussed plans with the Great Minds, experimented with links, and overall just kept on living, practicing magic and socializing in the Magic Kingdom among their friends and acquaintances.
Eventually, a message in the form of a solitary Archon was sent, ending their turn one hex away from Gobwin Knob. With the comfortable barrier of a hex border, during neither of their turns (one of the side-effects of the whole affair was that Yojo Mojo’s turn was no longer at the end of the day, as there are plenty of new sides in the battlespace), Tanya got to speak to Charlie one on one.
The face that Charlie projected for this exchange was a woman for some reason, wearing a red suit to go with her long platinum blond hair and clown-like makeup. The persona looked earnest and trustworthy for some reason, so Tanya immediately distrusted it. To be sure, she added to her own perception with foolamancy a rendition of Charlie’s real body, minus the paralysis, to match the Clown-Charlie’s body language. You couldn’t make yourself not see something with foolamancy, it didn’t make any sense, but adding extra worked fine. You just saw both at once.
“Okay, so we both have a mutual problem: both of us are tying down a bunch of defenses protecting against the other, neither of us can go all that way and still be able to do the extermination of the other.” Charlie explained peppily. “So… I have a proposal. A magical solution that will make everyone happy!”
Tanya raised an eyebrow. “Oh? I doubt that, but it would be against my principles to not at least hear you out.” After all, she could croak the…
[Lucy Dawn, level 6 Archon (duplicate)]
…high level archon that he risked to deliver this message in a way that was safe for her. Point is, she loses nothing by humoring him for now.
“So, Wanda managed to tell you about our Deal.” Charlie said to start off. “The Deal of a Lifetime.”
“It was the now-deceased Jack Snipe, but yes.” Tanya said in agreement.
“So, you heard about the Arkenshoes, and how they will return you home.” Charlie continued. Tanya’s eyes widened as she paid very close attention to his words. “You don’t belong here, Tanya. But while the full power of the Arkenshoes is beyond even my ability to emulate… Returning you home is well within my power.”
Tanya’s immediate thought was Japan. Skyscrapers, Internet… Mother and Father. All of those years of studiously ignoring the topic of her old life came crashing back as homesickness threatened to overwhelm her. But with a deep breath, Tanya steeled her gaze and looked Charlie right in the face. “How?” She asked.
“I was one of the ones who designed Judy Gale’s Perfect Warlord spell, you know. Few people understand the underpinnings of it better than I do.” He said eagerly. “There’s a tension between where you came from and here. The spell continually reinforces the bindings that keep you here, powered by your upkeep. Dissolve them… and you’ll go snapping back, safe and sound. Out of this Hell.”
Tanya’s interest vanished. “Pass.” She said immediately. “While it’s interesting to know that failing to pay upkeep will likely send me back to the Empire,” She used the Imperial language rather than English to name the place, “-rather than kill me, I have no desire to go back. I have no place there.”
Charlie’s projection stilled, shifting around with some idle animations to obfuscate that fact. Seeing a bald fat man in a suit play with nonexistent hair like a schoolgirl was fairly amusing, though. “I see.” He said, both the high-pitched kind voice of the red Charlie and the sickly groan of the blue Charlie ringing out to Tanya’s perspective. “You’ve been summoned more than once.” He concluded.
“By a different mechanism, but it is true.” Tanya admitted, “I will concede that you’re rather clever for figuring it out on such thin information. This world’s a dream in comparison to the war I was staring at there.”
“Of course, it makes perfect sense. What could be better, a more Perfect Warlord… than one that was already summoned by someone else?” Charlie said, the red one inserting artificial glee in the voice. He’s not quite hit the mark, but close enough.
“I imagine the actual Arkenshoes might be able to return me to my original world, but that’s not something your spell can promise.” Tanya said, “So I will decline your offer. I do, however, appreciate the thought behind it. If it worked, it would truly be a solution that could benefit both… in theory.” Thinking about it, taking him up on such an offer would also be dooming all of her non-caster units, abandoning them to their fates. She supposed she could promote an heir, like Visha, but Charlie would assuredly croak the lot of them as soon as he could.
…No, she couldn’t do that to them. They’re her loyal subjects, and she their Queen. She has a responsibility to them, commiserate with the level of authority she has over them. She must spend their lives well, preserve her human resources as much as she can, and give them as much ability to enter the City of Heroes as she can grant them, as appropriate to their personal beliefs.
“Well, it’s a shame, then. I was hoping I wouldn’t have to do this.” Charlie said grimly.
Suddenly, the Jojos broke alliance. Not only that, but the various dwagons that were both garrisoned and popped in the last few tenturns turned to Charlescomm. Tanya immediately used a chunk of juice to enhance her natural ability to issue orders as a ruler, sending a much more information dense instruction than typical to everyone simultaneously, activating the contingency plan for just this situation. Gunfire rang out as Yojo Mojo crippled their own defenses and spent a large fraction of their anti-air capabilities, but not a single city fell to his attempt.
Damn it, Charles, how did you get past Mojo the Jojo’s helmet? What about his helmet, Charles? Bah. That bastard, Being X-man, couldn’t do any better.
“You have exactly one turn to get the fuck away from my battlespace.” Charlie said dangerously, the red Charlie’s form becoming demonic, horns growing and a flaming eye emerging between them, claws growing as their fist closed around a rendition of the Arkenhammer. “I’d tell you to ask Wanda how much a prediction against me is worth… but she’ll have to stay an object lesson of why you don’t fuck with Charlescomm.”
Ah. “Well, I’m sure you know why the boop I can’t reflect the sentiment, but…” Tanya saluted him with two fingers, one on each hand. She had plenty after those, so she made sure to give him the biggest ones. “I can still do this.”
Charlie barked out a laugh. “Face it, Queenie. I win. That’s what being Charlie is all about. Winning.”
“For now.” Tanya allowed. “I’ll just have to activate the contingency plan.” On cue, Yojo Mojo’s turn began. She drew her pistol and shot the Archon duplicate in the head, cutting the call short as it poofed away.
---------------------------
While Tanya was prepared to just ditch everything and flee to the Magic Kingdom if necessary, the actual contingency to leave if given a turn to do so was a bit more complex.
First, she needed to confirm Charlie’s victory. Isaac was no longer on retainer, but he was perfectly willing to do more contract Lookamancy most days, so she knew exactly where Charlie’s strike force was and its composition. With a little bit of mathamancy… Ouch. Maybe if she… Well, that’s better, but… how about if she… thirty percent chance of victory at most? Yeah… no.
With the necessity now confirmed, she started by ordering all the rifle squads, each of which was composed of her knights stacked into reinforced 16-stacks led by a Noble warlord that was fully accessorized, to deploy. They had one stack for each of the nine cities, plus her three rapid-response stacks. Then, she activated pre-prepared moneymancy-dirtamancy traps that liquidated… everything outside the capital. Units, accessories, the bodies from the tribe’s betrayal, the cities themselves… everything. It used the remaining juice in the towers to help power it in addition to the massive amount of juice invested in the traps themselves, so it was able to get… most of the shmuckers. Even without the spells, razing eight level five cities gave a little over three million shmuckers, so the boost of four million was appreciated.
As painful as it was, to do such a thing after committing to her side’s prosperity… Charlie was right. He had won. So while she could just do this and go to the Magic Kingdom… she wasn’t. She couldn’t save them, nor could she get them a thrilling battle in the time allotted, so… back into The Box with them. At least it wasn’t Hellabad.
Afterwards, Tanya turned the entire treasury into gems, putting each one down her shirt into the storage space that Ace had installed, and called her casters to the Magic Kingdom portal. “I’m afraid that the math is grim. Charlie’s known forces, which were thinkagrammed to me by Isaac as I prepared, have a 94% chance of razing the capital. Our forces are crippled, and even my most expensive contingencies cannot save us. So, we are activating contingency F.“ For ‘flee’. Also ‘Boop it’. “As such, you are each entitled to a bag of forty gems for your upkeep before you go into the Magic Kingdom.” They had to be small enough for them to be able to hold each in their purse, meaning five thousand each. “In the event that Yojo Mojo is refounded, I would hope that you seriously consider turning rather than remaining a barbarian, but it will not be required.”
“I would never consider otherwise.” Maggie was quick to say.
Elya grinned. “I’ll be waiting for you, my queen. Keep Visha alive for me, will you?”
Sizemore smiled awkwardly. “I’ll think about it.” He said honestly. Fair. “Janis will probably tell me to do it, anyway. She enjoys your talks with her.”
That finished, Tanya took Visha and all two hundred and three gun-toting fliers, with a total upkeep of somewhere in the realm of twenty-four thousand per turn, downgraded the capital to level 1, made even more gems to stuff down her blouse, and flew straight south, far away from Charlescomm.
Let’s just see what Fate has to say about that. Pit her against the most powerful side in Erfworld? Yeah, she’s not putting her hand in that wood chipper a second time.
It’ll be nice to see other parts of Erfworld, anyway.
