Kevin Curry
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Summon Perfect Warlady 2.13
🕑 Added 2024-10-25 03:13:27 +0000 UTCThe jokes in the second half aren't really up to my usual standards, but this chapter was a bear to get out. I really hope I can get the Devil's Consultancy chapter out in time... Psychoprotective should be easy enough at least.
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The ruins hex was just as hellish of a frozen peak as last time, with what appeared to be some kind of house golem as a defender. It was somewhat similar to tales of the Baba Yaga’s chicken hut… except that instead of chicken legs, they were excessively provocative women’s legs that glowed with an inner light while wearing fishnet stockings and high heels. The upper portion of the house also appeared to have something resembling a lampshade instead of a roof, but…
[Gamble House]
Combat: 18
Defense: 18
Hits: 1
Move: 0 (garrison)
Special: Heavy, Legendary, Fragile
…It must be Italian. Nevertheless, it was easily dispatched at her level, despite the utterly broken special that made it invulnerable to any hit that wasn’t a critical hit, so it really didn’t matter even if she didn’t use the singular luckamancy wand which bent probability to make a single attack a hit, with a much greater chance of that hit being a critical. She used it anyway, mind you. As the house collapsed on the legs, the legs shriveled up oddly, the feet rolling backwards until they were fully underneath the broken house. The giant black high heels were left behind, and they immediately transformed into…
Well. Those looked familiar. The Arkenshoes had the same otherworldly aura to them that the other Arkentools she’d seen had, ruby red and sparkling, exactly as Jack Snipe described them.
It was an easy decision to ditch the Mile High club shoes in favor of them, just to see what the effect was for the non-attuned. She…
[Empress Tanya von Degurechaff, Level 10 Warlady]
Combat: 43
Defense: 43
Hits: 20 (20)
Move: ∞
Special: Tanya, Attuned, Leadership, Caster, Flight, Recon, Royal
Conditions: Shockamancy, Barrier, Leadership x2
…didn’t get to know that. As she had observed in both Wanda and Stanley, her statistics had all been given a boost, with her weakest stats getting a larger one than her stronger ones. Two points in her combat and defense, and nine in her hits. Her move, as advertised, was now infinite. In that respect, the only difference between Tanya and Judy Gale was that Tanya didn’t need a broom accessory to fly between hexes, so as to not render that advantage hellishly aggravating.
Still, it was the thought of the Arkenshoes’ other power that rooted the Empress to the spot. To return… home.
One of the exercises that Janis had assigned Tanya to refine her date-a-mancy was to examine her own heartstrings, to better understand her own feelings. More importantly, to find fainter and fainter heartstrings, ones that became harder to detect as the emotions between them became weaker and weaker. This could be very new heartstrings… or very old ones.
She found seven. Two she had identified as belonging to the Empire, Sister Edda, the one who was the most understanding whenever one of the children (Never her, of course. Not out loud.) uttered angry words in Being X’s direction for their miserable lot in life. She always tried to defend the bastard, of course, but the fact that she didn’t punish those words was worlds better than the other nuns. The other was little Natalie, the four year old that had become convinced that Tanya was her big sister, who was also named Tanya.
The other five? Mother. Father. Grandfather. Her old mentor, Takami-san. Finally, her good friend who got her foot in the door of that excellent job she had before she died, Mizuki. There were probably more that would share a heartstring, but the barriers between worlds and the separation of years wore away at them, eventually snapping. At least, they would have if she didn’t use more juice than she really should have reminding herself of those happy memories. Probably not by now, but eventually? Unquestionably.
Really, the Arkenshoe’s power had to involve date-a-mancy, given how they supposedly worked the two times they were used. The first time, Judy Gale had teleported mere feet, finding herself among her new friends. Years later, after those friends had all either fallen or soured their relationship? Only then did it truly return her home.
She could go home, right now. Leave this world of war and death behind, where the idea of living twenty years total was considered a tremendous achievement. Where one of the most powerful men in the world wanted her dead.
…But it would also leave her side in a bit of a pickle. It wouldn’t destroy them, of course: Nero was still an heir. She could spend thirty-five thousand shmuckers right now to promote Visha to heir as well.
Still… she missed them. Being in a modern world, even if she had to start over at a new office… on top of whatever she needed to do to get credentials… it would be better than this place.
She needed a compromise. She definitely shouldn’t leave immediately, she should set everything up to maximize her side’s long-term odds of survival. Also, probably get some things that should help her life back home, like gold bars or something. Then she leaves.
Yes, good plan.
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Flying with the Arkenshoes was… interesting. She could just keep accelerating, the normal speed limit she had was gone. Further, hex borders normally gave some tiny amount of perceptible resistance even if you had enough move to go through the border. With the Arkenshoes? None at all. If she wasn’t paying close enough attention, she could miss that she had gone through a hex border at all.
Still, soon enough she was able to stop on a dime right above her capital, and descended to get to work. “Maggie, I need to speak to Sizemore. I also need a status report on prisoners.”
In seconds, a thinkamancy message transmitted the relevant report. Elya has been busy turning the numerous units captured from the full conquering of the Empire’s old territories, but there were a few notable prisoners that were transferred to and kept in the capital’s prisons. She’ll visit them after her talk with Sizemore.
So Tanya settled into the meeting room that was right next to the fortified but also elegantly decorated portal reception area. It had a throne for her, of course, but also a round table with many comfortable chairs, and additional chairs with small tables for any entourages that weren’t directly part of the meeting, the overall impression reminding Tanya of a coffee house.
Within about a minute of her sitting down, the instant she finished settling in, Sizemore entered the room. “What’s cooking?” He asked easily, followed by a pair of hippiemancers that were laughing and giggling at him like groupies. Sizemore’s signamancy had shifted substantially from his time in the Glade of the Hippiemancers: His balding had reversed, becoming a full head of hair that wouldn’t be out of place headlining a rock band, and his Erfmover casting focus had been changed out for a guitar, which was taken off his back by one of his groupies so as to not get in his way while seated. He was no longer wearing a shirt, instead just wearing a denim vest to go with his tight pants, and he didn’t have anything to be ashamed about when it came to that bare skin.
“Well, before we go on to the build plans for the turn, I have two matters I’d like to address.” Tanya said, internally wincing at how she slipped into corpo speak.
Sizemore seemed to not hold it against her, though. “Eh, Janis said things had to change soon now that the war’s over. What’s up? Gonna pick up stakes soon?”
“Yes and no.” Tanya said honestly, before coughing and trying to speak more on Sizemore’s level. ”The vibes here are pretty good. It’s far enough away from Charlie that he’s not gonna have an easy time of it if he wants to harsh our mellow. Going even further is not gonna do a thing. You feel me?”
Sizemore’s confident front settled into a more natural smile, the invisible tension that occurred when the meeting start fading away. “Ah, I get it. It’s about me turning, right?”
Tanya smiled sadly and nodded. “At this point, it’s pretty much now or never.” Tanya confirmed, “As I said before, I’m not going to… demand that you join up. You’re my friend, and I don’t need to be able to disband someone in order for them to stay my friend.” Sizemore’s smile widened a bit at that confirmation. “However, I did leave a rather substantial amount of shmuckers with you under the understanding that it was to tide you over while we didn’t have a treasury. If you do not join up, if you remain a free barbarian, we need to make a retroactive contract to determine how much work would be owed for that payment, deduct the amount already done, and thus establish the time frame in which breaking all ties will be equitable for everyone.”
Sizemore scratched his cheek nervously. “And… uh… if that money happened to be… all gone?” He asked.
Tanya chuckled. Yeah, she expected that he wouldn’t be able to resist being too generous to the Glade. “Well, if you turn, I’m willing to just write off the loss. No big deal.” It was only two hundred thousand shmuckers, after all. Painful, but she paid more for Ace. Sizemore relaxed. “If you don’t, then all that means is that you can’t get out of further work by just returning the money. You’ll be on the hook for the whole amount, minus work already done.”
“Oh man, you really know how to guilt a guy…” Sizemore groaned, looking a bit more like his old self as he worried. His entourage sipped at the drinks served by the courtiers that were assigned as waitstaff for this meeting.
“If you wish to have your turning be moderated by a signamancy agreement with the side, binding on not only myself but any future rulers of this side… which I’ll likely have renamed or something,” She actually had a more complicated idea, but that was for later. “-I’m willing to agree to some concessions. I suspect you’d desire a schedule of vacation days, if nothing else.”
“Vacation days?” Sizemore said, confused. Tanya’s eye twitched, annoyed. Okay, she knows she’s used that term in reference to his turns off in the Magic Kingdom before. How high has he been getting? “...Yeah, that sounds cool.”
Soon enough, Sizemore had finally turned back. She’d be surprised if she didn’t know Janis had been pushing him to do so. She even came in and moderated the agreement gratis… after Tanya explained that she didn’t hold Sizemore’s spendthrift ways against the Glade. The contract was quite reasonable, in Tanya’s opinion. Which meant it was basically bending over backwards by local standards. He got one vacation day for every four turns worked and could not be forced to engage in offensive wars, and any concerns about malicious compliance of the terms were handled by both the magical intent of the agreement, Master-class signamancy was useful like that, and by the natural thinkamancy of Duty preventing him from taking his vacation days if it would damage the side, instead of just slowing down the economic and logistical benefits his spells provide.
“Now, on to the other matter.” Tanya said, taking out a gem. “Dirtamancers can create raw materials, right? Say… ingots of metal?”
“Yes, although there’s not much call for it.” Sizemore explained, “Raw materials are usually popped by workshop-type buildings, and that’s one of those buildings that are incredibly easy to get on accident if you can make use of that kind of stuff. Dollamancers in the Magic Kingdom occasionally request such things, although they usually ask the changemancers for them, because dirtamancers are typically too busy with other things. Especially now that more and more sides are asking about bullets.”
“Fantastic.” Tanya said, smiling. “Now, what I want from you is a few ingots of gold. Maybe even a scroll of it.”
Sizemore frowned. “Well, that one’s actually a bit strange. Gold is a bit like… a metal gem. You actually make it with moneymancy, not dirtamancy. If you wanted to make anything out of the gold, you’d want another caster, but if you want just an ingot or some coins, it’s moneymancy.”
Really? Tanya focused for a moment, spent ten shmuckers… and created a gold coin. It had the symbol on her earrings on one side, and her face on the other.
“It works for silver, too.” Sizemore added, and Tanya made one as well. “There’s a few others, but those are the main two.”
“Interesting.” Tanya said, humming. She snapped the two coins in her fingers and they turned back into shmuckers in her purse.
Well, that’s one thing down.
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One of the prisoners in the dungeon was an interesting one. Elya had outright failed to turn him on her first two attempts. As the subject matter expert, she determined that her juice was better spent turning other prisoners, ordering him transferred to the capital’s dungeon for her to attend to more thoroughly later.
It made Tanya curious, what kind of man he was.
[Joshua von Caanan, level 8 warlord (prisoner)]
He didn’t have anything special about him, if you only looked at his points. He was a noble, yes, with his stat bonus applied to his hits, but otherwise he was no different than any other level 8 warlord.
No, what made him interesting was his livery. His armor was black, with a white collar. Further, he was absolutely covered in burn scars, with old bandages covering up most of them. As a prisoner, certain facets of his upkeep weren’t paid for, including signamantic luxuries such as that. This was… unusual. What really rang alarm bells was the state of his pistol, which Tanya had retrieved from her Inventory as she walked down the dungeon hall to meet the prisoner.
Most guns, which she would go so far as to say every single one except this one, looked… standardized. They didn’t have livery or designs or anything, they were just… normal pistols and rifles.
This one, on the other hand… it had the words ‘The Light Shined in the Darkness’ etched on one side and ‘The Darkness Comprehended it Not’ on the other. The handle also appeared to have some kind of snakeskin grip, too. Otherwise it just looked like an old, weathered, but still functional example of a pistol.
Well, call her Darkness, because she sure as hellabad wasn’t comprehending this. Why was this pistol customized? What about this man made him so… distinctive? That was what she was here to find out. Even if it did feel a bit like masochism for some reason.
Idly, she twirled the pistol in her hand as the man stared her down, manacled to the ground on a long chain but with reasonable amounts of freedom of movement. “You’re a strange one.” She eventually said.
“I am what the Titans have chosen for me.” He said simply. From how he spoke, one could easily forget that he was a prisoner.
“Do those burn scars hurt?” Tanya asked. Pain was… interesting in this world. Unlike everyone else, she could bleed and felt what was probably an appropriate amount of pain when losing hits, but most units could not only live with some truly gruesome injuries, but act more or less without penalty, unless they had, for example, lost a hand or something like that. Even then the mathmancy calculations didn’t seem to budge for such injuries beyond the natural consequences of fighting while severely depleted of hits. They felt pain, but… she suspected that it was substantially less than what she had to power through.
Joshua chuckled. “Just when I smile.” He joked.
“Hm. Well, let’s start with an easy one: Why are you so adamantly against turning to my side?” Tanya asked, “Did the Emperor endear himself to you so much?”
“No.” He said simply. “The Titans have revealed to me my Fate, and I cannot enact their will under your banner.”
Oh? Fate again? “What, perchance, would that Fate be?” Tanya asked, curious. Yes, she wasn’t exactly enacting interrogation best practices here, but worst case, she can just order Elya to link up with Maggie and do whatever the heck they did to Nero to make her such a loyal puppet. She didn’t like that idea, and should probably just execute the man instead, but…
“I survived against all odds to put a bullet between your eyes.” Joshua said bluntly. “Those burn scars you’re curious about? You gave ‘em to me. Battle at Jericho Pass. The Titans revealed to me that you were a Devil, who should be removed from Erf and sent straight to Hellabad.”
That was… the first battle of this conflict. Interesting. “Yes, I believe I remember you.” Tanya said after a moment. “There was one pistol-wielding warlord that fell into the chasm after surviving my shockamancy.” She was annoyed at the time for losing the pistol. Little did she know that she’d have more guns than she knew what to do with at the end of things. She looked back down to the customized pistol. “So this is that same pistol? Interesting. You get dollamancer Boss to customize it for you? Or was it Pact?” Brutal von Boss was, before the rest of the Empire turned to her, released into the Magic Kingdom to avoid Tanya getting him, although she assumed that was signamantic trickery, and Janis agreed when she brought it up.
Joshua seemed a little perturbed at the question. “Ah… Lord Palpitation did it. Said that my survival was a Sign of my Fate. That I’d be the key to your destruction.”
Tanya blinked. “...If that was the case, why were you not in the ambush at Files? I didn’t see you there.”
“...I was there.” Joshua replied, confused. “I’ve been your prisoner since.”
Tanya blushed at the mistake. “I still didn’t see you there.” She eventually said, “So clearly Fate didn’t put you in my way.” It was curious, actually. Did he really have a Fate against her? “Still, I suppose there’s one way to determine if what that signamancer said was true.” She said idly. Well, one way that didn’t require her to pay a predictamancer a few hundred shmuckers.
“Huh?”
Tanya issued an order, and his chains responded, lifting him up by his hands and letting him hang from the ceiling of his cell. Then, she shot him. “If Fate needs you for something, this won’t croak you.” She said seriously. It’d probably hit his cuffs or something.
But he slumped, a single hole in his forehead as Analysis no longer considered him a unit. His shackles released him, and the door to the dungeon cell opened up, now ‘unoccupied’.
Well. Looks like Fate didn’t like him. It’s for the best. He wasn’t turning without more mind control than she was willing to use in cold blood, so dying was the best she could give him.
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Organizing the side into an Empire of multiple sides under the supreme rule of one was… harder than she thought it would be. Apparently, they used a combination of signamancy and carnymancy to pull it off; while the connections between the sides were all signamancy as Janis suggested, the bit where there was one ruler was where the carnymancy came in.
After the conquest, they had four total capital sites, and enough cities (when you counted the convenient city sites as well) to make each one have thirteen cities. Needless to say, they had to start ditching some to remove these atrocious diminishing shmucker penalties. Razing some of them would increase their income.
Janis, as usual, was very accommodating with her assistance, and a compact was made to organize everything into a four-side Empire. As usual, the terms written out by a master-class signamancer were written very plainly, without the incredibly specificity in terms you’d find in an actual legal document.
The Constitutional Empire, as Tanya decided to call it, was composed of the sides of:
-Yojo Mojo, ruled by Tanya, with Maggie as the heir/Chief Caster. White, who was now level nine, was assigned as Chief Warlord. It was on Scotplay’s capital site.
-Coffeemate, ruled by Visha, with Elya as the heir/Chief Caster. Kurig became Chief Warlord, as he was also level nine. It was built on the closest site to Scotplay, on the far side from where they were attacking.
-Grail, ruled by Nero, with no caster and Newsman as Chief Warlord. He was also level nine, and it used the capital that Toadarm failed to take all those turns ago.
-Greenpeace, ruled by Sizemore, with Klein as the Chief Caster. Jim Rowe became Chief Warlord, as he seemed to get along very well with Sizemore, albeit he was only level eight. It used Stalling Glade as its capital.
The undersigned all agree that Tanya’s in charge and to be excellent to one another, peace and good times. Everyone’s on the same side here, no need to complicate everything.
If Tanya’s not around, the undersigned also agree to keep the good vibes going on, and to ask themselves ‘What would Tanya do?’ before doing anything to harsh the collective buzz.
That last bit was, apparently, an incredibly complicated bit of signamancy, and Janis was very proud of it. Patterning it off of the dittomancy-thinkamancy that Tanya had created to defend Yojo Mojo’s outlying cities against Charlie, it bound the contract to Tanya’s strings, and if she ever croaked or was otherwise unavailable to consult, a simulation of her, a snapshot that updated every turn, would provide advice on demand. She was unsure whether or not it would work, and Maggie seemed inclined to think it wouldn’t persist after Tanya’s death, but wasn’t quite confident enough in that assessment to discourage Janis from her experiment.
With the infinite move of the Arkenshoes, Tanya helped set everything up over ten turns, tuning each city to be well-situated to the side’s needs… or at least well on their way to doing so. She spent three of those turns emptying every mine in their territory with a moneymancy/dirtamancy link, so the Constitutional Empire had, collectively, about fifty million shmuckers.
To the assessment of literally anyone, the four-side alliance was sturdy, ready for anyone and anything to assail it, a power able to fight and win against the strongest sides in the world, much less the shattered sides surrounding them.
Which is why, after quietly starting production of a Royal Heir, Tanya felt assured enough to take one last step. She wrote a series of letters, one to each of her many friends here. They were personalized, with only one line the same in each one.
“As much as this place has treated me well… This still isn’t Home. Every turn I feel Home fading away from me… I cannot wait any longer. Goodbye.”
“...There’s no place like Japan.”
“There’s no place like sexist, moe-obsessed, xenophobic Japan.”
“There’s no place like home.”
Pop.
