Kevin Curry
patreon
Devil's consultancy 14
🕑 Added 2024-12-01 15:00:08 +0000 UTC“I’ll admit, I didn’t expect that.” Shayera, alias Hawkgirl, was an incredibly human-like alien known as a Thanagarian, from the planet Thanagar. It was interesting to know that Earth was actually known to most Galactic dialects as “Huma” or “Sa’lin-3”, as the typical convention was to name the planet after the sapient species that sprung from it, instead of the more “primitive practice” of the planet name being synonymous with the word for dirt, water, or sky, and the preference for the star to be named by the local language, and that’s what the Martians call the sun. She wore some pretty typical lingerie for what essentially amounted to a sleepover.
“Well, most demons were alive as mortals, at some point. Or so I’ve heard. I certainly was.” Tanya explained, wearing some silk pajamas that she had never worn in her life before. She rarely slept in her teenage form, with the vast majority of that being some experiments that they took back when she first started using the form, shortly after the invasion. They still weren’t sure exactly what triggered that little spat of amnesia where she forgot everything shy of the day before her execution, but after the initial unexpected unpleasantness where she woke up in a nursery while not knowing why, Bruce convinced her eventually to say the words to turn herself back and they never had the problem again. “This is just what I used to look like, for the most part.” Besides the extra growth in all respects.
“You look like you’re my age.” Kara said with a sense of wonder. She was dressed in a set of cotton pajamas, grinning at being able to spend time with other girls that also had superpowers.
Diana was here too, dressed in what was basically a toga as her pajamas. “With a little bit of effort, she could probably impersonate you.” She commented, comparing the two girl’s features. “Face is a little wider, thicker hair and eyelashes, but anyone who wasn’t close to you probably couldn’t tell without a side-by-side comparison.” Personally, Tanya thought that ‘it would work against anyone who didn’t actually know what you looked like’ wasn’t a particularly strong argument. It just boiled down to the both of them both being pretty pale-skinned blonde girls of approximately the same age with blue eyes. Although, admittedly, the shades did match up pretty well. “She’d need a bit more sun, too.”
“I can just magically disguise myself, you know.” Tanya grumbled as she sat down in the beanbag chair. This whole endeavor was a request from Superman, mostly as a babysitting job because he had a date with Miss Lane and was also responsible for watching after Kara while she attended a gifted student high school in Metropolis. “This version of myself is about your age, so that and the color matchup is pretty much all there is.” Was it dishonest to imply that she made herself look sixteen on purpose? Yes. But she still disliked talking about herself, so small lies that deflected further inquiry was a common habit.
As he wanted to move Supergirl to a place where she wouldn’t be able to eavesdrop, the Watchtower was pretty much the only spot he could be sure of, as Gotham would quickly end with her punching the Riddler into a smear or something. So… “What do we do first?” Kara said excitedly, changing the topic.
Tanya looked out the viewing window, where there was an excellent view of the planet. Naturally, the best spot for a slumber party on the Watchtower was the Observation Lounge, which was reserved for their private function. It brought a smile to her face every time, to see what was such an exclusive sight in her previous lives with her naked eyes, a simple transparent pane between her and them. “Well, we could play a game I used to play back in college…” Tanya proposed.
Kara’s eyes widened. “Oh! I’d love to!”
“It didn’t have a name…” Although she favored ‘Wrong answers only’, “But basically, a topic is brought up and must be explained… completely incorrectly.”
“Huh?” Diana asked, confused.
Shayera’s eyes sparkled though. “Oh! I’ve done this before on Thanagar!” She said, excited. “It’s a creative thing, you watch people, pick one that’s dressed weird, and make up a story about why they’re wearing that. I did it all the time at the Police Academy with… a friend.” Shayera was a cop on Thanagar. Supposedly, she crash landed and, after getting John to check if she was declared dead, decided to stay for a short while for tax purposes, as her life insurance won’t be required to be paid back if she returned ‘alive’ after a time period that, on Earth, translated to six years and four months, approximately. This was apparently something that many thanagarians get away with due to the legal system’s standards on what constituted ‘doing all that is reasonable’ to return…, so she decided to avoid the ‘catastrophic’ problems that would pop up if she returned too early with a lot of that money already spent and just… do what many others have done. She’d even get her backpay for the time spent missing.
It was a hustle that made Tanya lose all respect for the battle maniac with wings, but she also wasn’t going to insist that John report her, as he wanted to bone the almost-human woman too much to listen. “Exactly, but not so limited. I suggest we pick targets based on what we can see on Earth. I’ll start.” She looked at the planet below. “What’s the deal with that little island off the coat?” She asked, pointing. Madagascar, specifically.
Diana looked at the island. She almost answered, but then paused. “...It’s a perfectly normal island with completely ordinary animals.” She said.
Tanya chuckled, as Shayera and Kara looked confused. “Madagascar has a lot of exotic animals you can’t find anywhere else.” Tanya explained, “But that’s not exactly how this works. Kara, pick something and I’ll go.”
Kara hummed. “Uh… that desert. The big one. What’s the deal?” The Saraha? Hm.
Got it! “That’s where the secret society of Gorillas used to live, before they destroyed themselves in their hubris.” Tanya said, faking a dry lecture. “About five thousand years ago, that was all lush jungles, every day filled with rain and trees filled with so much fruit, millions could eat their fill and grow fat on bananas alone.” It was actually a vast grassland. “The gorillas developed advanced technology as their boredom from their easy lives pushed them to their intellectual limits and beyond. But one day, a particularly intelligent ape developed a weather control device. He demanded that all kneel before him, or the plentiful water they enjoyed would be forever struck from the world.” Tanya’s face took on a ‘ghost story’ expression as she outlined the evils of this hypothetical ape. “The Gorillas laughed at him, for what ape could control the skies? They rejected him, and threw him into their darkest pit for his audacity. But he was not bluffing, and the rains stopped. The plants shriveled and died, and the soil was swept away into sand as the now-exposed ground suffered the dry winds summoned by that one villainous ape. Now, the last remnants of that great civilization lives in hiding, among the mountains and steppes, using what little they can to eke out an isolated existence.” Tanya solemnly looked over Earth again. “It’s a sad tale.”
“...But it’s completely made up and didn’t actually happen, right?” Kara asked, tears in her eyes.
“Oh. Yeah, I made it up.” Tanya said easily. “I saw something about a secret society of gorillas on a comic book cover and came up with the rest on the spot.” This was actually true. The last anime convention she attended had a small print run manga that involved gorillas drawn in a photo-realistic style doing normal things you’d see in a slice of life manga. It was surreal.
“I think the Flash might have mentioned something about a Gorilla City…” Shayera said, thinking back. If he did, Wally didn’t create a case file for it in the Justice League’s private database.
“Not important.” Tanya declared, “Now, someone else say a topic for Kara to make something up for.”
The game passed fairly quickly, each of them getting three stories in, and it gave Tanya some insight into them from their answers: As she thought, Shayera was a battle maniac, the invented histories always involved some kind of glorious battle. Kara tended towards more religious excuses, focusing her fake histories on clashing ideologies over practical reasons. Diana instead focused on the effects of singular figures, either heroes or gods, could have on history.
“Well, that was fun.” Tanya said cheerily. “Anyone else have a party game? Perhaps one from Thanagar?”
“I did bring the Lasso of Truth.” Offered Diana, “Using it as a bonding activity,” was that a pun? “-having everyone share an answer to a common question under its effects has been quite exciting over the years.”
“Absolutely not.” Tanya said, “I’m a private person, and more importantly I have many shared secrets that I must keep.”
“With Batman?” Diana asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Yes.” Tanya confirmed.
“I was going to suggest Two gloves and a fist. It’s a game where you say two lies and one truth, and the others have to guess which is the true one.” Shayera said, an amused smile.
Tanya hummed. “I know I’ve played Two truths and a lie before, so that would be acceptable.” She said after a moment, relaxing. It wasn’t really something guys played, but in mixed company it’s not strange to play a game suggested by the girls.
“Well, if you guess wrong, everyone has to say whether the truth would be true or a lie if they say it.” Shayera added, “That’s because the fist you missed punches you.”
This game, too, turned out to be surprisingly enjoyable. Shayera had apparently seen Superman naked at some point, and due to the penalty Kara admitted the same (while elaborating that it was from her X-ray vision coming in), and Kara had milked cows before, which was guessed accurately. Diana, on the other hand, had never slept with a man before, and due to the penalty…
“Only if you use the literal definition of slept and not the euphemistic one.” Tanya insisted, after the other two participants answered (Shayera had, and Kara had not).
“Oh. I guess it would be true for me, then.” Kara corrected, “One of my earliest memories is sleeping with my parents…”
“Doesn’t count.” Shayera insisted.
“Then it would be a lie for myself as well.” Tanya said, smirking. “As for me: I know my age. I’ve turned into a guy before. I love Batman.” As a father, he’s amazing. Well, for someone like her, anyway. Despite being in a position to inherit pretty much everything, to profit immensely from his death, she would very much prefer that he live as long as possible, and if that’s not paternal love, Tanya didn’t know what was.
Shayera hummed. “It’s gotta be the Batman thing. They’re practically inseparable.”
“No, she’s trying to throw us off the trail.” Kara said, waving her off. “It’s gotta be the guy thing. She can change shape with magic, after all.”
“They’re probably all both true and false, depending on your point of view.” Diana said, accurately. “Her exact phrasing makes the lies false, rather than them being false broadly.”
“So the vaguest one is the true one, then?” Shayera asked, thinking hard on the question. “She could claim to love Batman like a brother, or father, and have it still be true. But all she needs to make the age thing false is have two ways of counting it…” Damn. They saw through her ruse.
Kara gasped, “Because she’s died before, all she needs to do is wonder if she needs to add it together or only count this life, too!”
“So it’s definitely not that one.” Diana said firmly. “But you’re right, Kara. The Batman one is too obvious.”
Eventually, they thought themselves into a corner. “You love Batman!” Kara declared, with the other two nodding firmly.
“Just tell us how.” Shayera insisted.
“Growing up in the Empire, I was in an orphanage. Run by nuns.” She growled as she remembered Being X’s foul trick. “He’s the father I didn’t have back then.”
In a move that Tanya really should have seen coming, Kara pulled everyone into a huge group hug. All told, babysitting Kara was at least as entertaining as being babysat by Barbie, just in a different way.
-----------------------
While Selina was not very involved with the family’s nightlife, she was still largely present during the day, and still acted as Catwoman. The stolen items were frequently “found” and returned, but Bruce largely just ignored his girlfriend’s illegal actions. More than once, after ‘catching’ Catwoman in the act, Batman went dark on communications and sent off Robin for a while, which not even Robin was naive enough to miss the implications of.
Yes, Bruce is well aware that he’s being a hypocrite and isn’t thinking with his brain, but Tanya’s not going to push the issue; Selina’s actually managed to reduce the amount of time he spends risking his life as Batman, and that’s something Tanya will always approve of.
As much as this universe idolized superheroes, that didn’t mean that Batman’s crusade was something she approved of. It was an unhealthy obsession that will kill him. He knows this, of course, doesn’t expect to live to grow old, but while she respects his freedom to make this foolish choice, and will even help to preserve his life while he does so… she still doesn’t want him to die. It does not need to be any more complicated than that.
Nevertheless, Selina was much more involved in their daytime lives, hanging on Bruce’s arm during high society parties, joining in on family time, and even babysitting when Bruce was busy with “work” when school was out.
“I’m going to need you to explain this again.” Selina said as she looked around the forest. She was dressed much sportier than usual, appropriate to the task at hand. Tiny khaki shorts, a tank top with tiny straps, and a baseball cap with Batman’s symbol on it along with her tiny hiking pack. The Amulet of Bast gleamed on her neck as her only jewelry.
“Bug-fighting is an honored tradition, with ten thousand years of history.” Tanya proclaimed dramatically, posing as she did so. “Children everywhere-” Well, Japanese boys anyway.”-each selecting their prize champion with care, training them in the arts of war, and pitting them against each other in honorable combat!” She picked up the beetle she had been appraising. “Behold! The Elephant Stag Beetle! View his ferocious red coloration and his strong pincers!” The beetle’s jaws snapped shut in irritation at being held up like a prize chicken. “This one’s quite good, it will be a worthy foe for Herakles-san.” Princess Diana had been very insistent that the Disney movie had mangled the son of Hera’s true name in the adaptation of his legend. Among her many, many complaints about it.
Selina sighed. “Does that mean we can stop?” She asked hopefully.
“Herakles-san won’t be satisfied with just one foe!” Tanya insisted, an amused smile breaking out on her face. She put the stag beetle into the carrying case. “I have slots for eight total fighters, and look! Herakles-san and Nitoryu-san already hate each other!” The eastern hercules beetle had a nice yellowed bone-like color in his shell, and while its horn was a little short, it had two of them: one jutting upwards on the nose, and a second one pointed downward sticking out of the forehead. Its design screamed a stoutness that would be difficult to beat. “Their rivalry will be legendary!”
“Yeah!” Richard added, his hands holding up a second stag beetle. “I’m gonna name this one… Jason!”
“Any particular reason?” Tanya asked.
Robin considered the red beetle. “He just seems like a Jason to me.” Jason snapped his jaws angrily.
Tanya grinned. Now he was getting into the spirit of things! “Fair enough.”
They gathered their warriors swiftly, although it took a while to find a fourth Hercules beetle, as they wanted to make sure their numbers were even.
Their bug collecting done, it was time for battle! “Oh, cool!” Said a random boy, about six years old. “Can I play too?”
“Of course.” Selina said, smiling serenely. “This is Tanya, and this is Richard. You are?” idly, she looked around for the boy’s parents.
“Tim!” He said, “Tim Drake.” His eyes gleamed with interest. “Lucanus Elaphus and Dynastes Tityus, huh?” He asked, beaming with pride at his vocabulary. Now that was something you didn’t expect from a six year old.
It was a painful reminder of some of her own youthful missteps, assuming that what impresses adults would also impress other children. But she must… act… five… “You talk funny.” Tanya decided to say.
Tim flushed at the blunt assessment. “She’s actually your age.” Richard said, waving his hands placatingly, “She’s just big.”
“Oh.” Tim said, clearly disappointed. “...Are you making fun of me? I’m not gullible.” He said suspiciously.
“Brother…” Tanya whined. “Can we fight the bugs now?”
“Okay Tanya, let’s get them set up.” Richard said, going back to setting up the stump for beetle fights.
“First, Herakles-san.” Tanya announced, picking out the horned warrior.
Tim picked up one of the stag beetles. “This one.” He declared, “I’m gonna call it Robin.”
Richard looked embarrassed as Tanya giggled at the name. “Okay, he’s Robin now.” She wasn’t really proud of Hasami-san as a name anyway. “Red Robin, in case the real one comes by.” She added with another giggle.
“Right.” Tim said seriously. The beetles immediately started attacking each other once placed on the stump, and soon enough one was victorious. “Robin won!” He said happily.
In the end, the auspiciously-named beetle beat every challenger, and Red Robin was determined to be the Yokozuna of bugs.
Selina mostly looked bored, chatting with Mr. Drake when he came by, allowing them to finish their tournament.
It wasn’t a fruitful encounter of any kind, but it had been so long since she last got to play with bugs and she had just learned that Gotham had suitable beetles, so it was an afternoon well spent in Tanya’s opinion. Particularly as most outdoor activities were allowed to substitute for figure skating practice in their schedule, as long as no more than half of the practices were so replaced.
She was beginning to suspect that Alfred had something against video games…
-----------------------
Eventually, it became the weekend again, and thus time for Barbie to return to the Belfry. It was fully operational now, with a very nice computer that had a secure connection to the Justice League servers (and thus, indirectly, the Batcomputer’s systems), as well as all of the amenities of the Batcave, if stripped down: There was a magic nook that was just a summoning circle and a small library, a service station for the new Batcycle, there was a loft with an living area, including a rather nice entertainment system, a kitchen, a set of costume cases (one for Batgirl, plus a secondary set for Robin and Batman), and a small area for low-intensity training.
“Wow…” Barbie said as she walked in, taking in the view as she walked off the freight elevator.
“You may come and go as you please, just do not sortie without our expertise.” Rhine said, having teleported up the secret entrance to show off.
“Before I can let you go.” Batman grumbled, startling Barbie as he dropped from the loft above her. “Suit up. I need to see how you fight.”
Barbie paled. “Fight you?”
“Yes.” He said, “I won’t break any bones.” He promised, an unsettlingly specific promise.
If the idea was to scare her off, it didn’t. She power-walked to the Batgirl auit, and looked around. “...Where’s the bathroom?” She asked.
“There’s a changing area behind the display cases.” Robin offered from his position sitting on the safety rail of the loft area. “Toilet and shower is up here.” He said, jerking his thumb behind him.
After a few awkward minutes (it was indeed quite recommended that one use the bathroom before suiting up, as the armored bodysuit was not easy to remove quickly), Batgirl emerged from the curtained area, spinning the tonfa her suit came with. “Okay, these definitely aren’t solid. What do they do?” She asked, curious.
“They have some cool detachment tricks and spooled cable.” Robin said excitedly. “Also tasers.”
With a few seconds of fiddling, Batgirl smiled as both ends of both tonfa sparked, then she tried again and made all four contact points produce a spark independently of each other. “I think I got it.” She said confidently.
“Let’s begin.” Batman said, “Rhine?”
“This battle is but sport, Ban of injury, any sort.” Rhine intoned, creating a dark ring on the ground.
“Go all out.” Batman instructed, “Stay in the circle.” Due to the intent of the nonlethal damage spell, it didn’t immediately subside once one left, but lingered for about three seconds. Plenty of time if one stops immediately.
Batgirl went into a combat stance and readied herself. She yelled a battle cry as she charged, but was interrupted by a fist in her stomach. She lingered on the ground, groaning in pain.
“Yeah, you’re not actually hurt.” Robin explained, “But Rhine didn’t stop the pain. Takes about two seconds to fade.”
Batgirl took a deep breath, and stood back up, shock clear on her masked face as she realized that her stomach didn’t hurt anymore. Batman took her down in two more seconds. And again. And again.
“I’ve seen enough.” Batman eventually said, after the tenth takedown. “Robin, your turn.”
“Hey, you passed!” Robin said, smiling as he leapt down onto the arena and drew his escrima sticks.
“What do you mean, I passed?” Batgirl said, tears of frustration in her eyes.
“He didn’t tell you to take off the suit.” Robin pointed out, “He also didn’t tell me to take it easy on you, which means he doesn’t actually know which of us will win.”
Batgirl limbered up a bit more. “What if he knows I’ll win?”
“Keep in mind that I’ve been seeing you fight for the last ten minutes.” Robin explained, “I’m not blind. I can take you.”
Robin proceeded to attempt to match word to deed. Batgirl’s fighting skills were good, but Robin had been training for this moment all week, so it was nowhere near a repeat of their first fight.
However… Batgirl ended up victorious. A week was simply not enough to close the gap that existed between them. Once Robin was older and had packed on another few kilograms of muscle, Rhine imagined it would be decisively in Robin’s favor.
“So, that means I pass?” Batgirl asked, breathing deeply. The regenerative powers of the gladiatorial arena spell helped against exhaustion, but it had limits.
“No.” Batman replied from his position at the computer, looking into things. “That wasn’t a test, merely training.”
“Start to finish, if we compare, “ Rhine began, “A big improvement, as you’re aware.” She had advanced by leaps and bounds in the usage of the bat-tonfa.
“All it took was about fifty taser hits.” Batgirl said, half-boasting, half-whining. “Ow. That stuff hurts. How did you do that?” She asked, gesturing to the dark circle.
“Magic.” Robin explained, “She just does whatever she wants, and it either works or doesn’t.”
“...That’s bullshit!” Batgirl said, incensed. “She can do anything?”
Rhine poked Robin, and he continued to be her voicebox. “She says that simple stuff like telekinesis, phasing, and a little bit of teleportation, she doesn’t need to make a rhyme for, she can just do it.” For emphasis, Rhine waved a hand and a few dumbbells floated off the rack before returning. “But if it’s something crazy or complicated, she just makes up a rhyme and whatever she wants to happen, happens.”
“My power isn’t infinite, but effectiveness is definite.” Rhine quipped. “Affinity matters when casting, easiest is destruction and blasting.” They formed shadow claws and waved them around for emphasis.
“...I have so many questions.” Batgirl said, a haunted look on her face as she thought through the implications.
“That’s for later.” Robin said, “Now we have to actually go to work.”
“I think I’ve narrowed down the Clay Man’s movements.” Batman said, “We should be able to capture him tonight, if I’m right.”
“All right!” Batgirl gushed. “I’ve put so much time into that case.”
“Even if I can’t reclaim what’s mine, it will be good to foil the enemy’s design.” Rhine added.
After a brief bit of preparation, they were off to the Batmobile. “Can we even all fit in there?” Batgirl asked when she saw the single door entrance. Batman pulled the catch and pushed the passenger seat forward, revealing the back seat. About a year ago, Robin complained about sharing a seat with Selina when they were all in there so it was added. Rhine occasionally laid down back there instead of hanging around in Batman’s shadow, and it was rather cushy. Harold did good work.
Rhine slipped into the backseat, and Batgirl and Robin looked at each other warily. “Ladies first.” Robin offered, gesturing towards the back seat.
“No, I’m bigger, I should get the front.” Batgirl retorted.
“I have seniority!” Robin shot back.
“I’m older!” Batgirl hissed, looming over Robin.
“I know what the buttons do!” Robin argued.
“Rhine, you sit in the front today.” Batman commanded. “Both of you, get in the back.”
They obeyed, sulking as they entered the Batmobile. “She doesn’t even need a seat.” Robin grumbled.
Batman sighed tiredly. Rhine hoped he was regretting the decisions that led him to this point. Once they were all buckled up, Batman made an amused smile. “Rhine, you have control over the radio.” He said, his voice dripping with schadenfreude.
Immediately understanding his instruction, Rhine proceeded to open a small compartment with a library of DVDs, picked one, and inserted it into the Batmobile’s radio. A peppy J-pop song immediately started to play, one with the lyrics composed entirely of rhymes in Japanese, and Rhine started dancing in their seat to the music.
Robin groaned, and while Batgirl didn’t seem too enthused about the song, her response wasn’t anywhere near as dramatic.
Eventually, they arrived at an old toyshop, Fairytale Fantasies. It didn’t seem as run-down as Rhine would expect, quite suspicious. The front window display had what appeared to be a puppet cat, fat and maroon with pink stripes, probably an animatronic… although they smelled a whiff of magic from the place, so… maybe it was animated that way?
Still, they definitely could also detect the magical stench of the Clay of Life, strong enough that they were smelling it even without any visible clay, so this was the place. One way or the other, this ends here.
Comments
Eldar ortell
Loved the sleepover bit, also hawk girl is staying on earth to dodge taxes lmao
