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Chapter 80: Non-Romantic Advice
🕑 Added 2025-11-19 07:00:08 +0000 UTC“So, this is Cedric. He is part of the crew now. Everyone, say hi to each other.”
Eri’s words within the corvette’s war room were met with silence. Everyone stared at the ragged-looking man who had reluctantly pulled himself out of Eri’s shadow when the youth had commanded it.
Most bore expressions of confusion or curiosity. Dulcina’s gaze was one of disbelief and shock. Peythra had her head in her hands, while Deyara was chuckling to herself.
Seconds passed. Cedric was the first to speak.
“Boss, you have my undying loyalty, but I just want you to know, you have the worst social skills I have ever seen in anyone in my entire life,” the once-assassin resignedly said.
“Look, why don’t you introduce yourself first?” Eri tried. “You know, tell them a little of who you are.”
Cedric stared at Eri in disbelief. After seeing that the youth was serious, the man turned to the crew and waved half-heartedly. “Hi, I’m Cedric. I’m definitely here of my own free will and not because I’ll die a horrible, horrible death without your socially-inept leader’s protection.”
The crew wasn’t sure how to respond to that. Raharim raised his hands to wave back. Joarris looked like he wanted to say something, but then hesitated.
Julie posed a question in her usual blunt fashion. “Eri, who is this creepy old man living in your shadow, and why should we care about him?”
“Old?!” Cedric exclaimed. “I’m not old! I’m barely twenty! I think…”
“Not with that grey hair, you’re not,” Bori said.
“I think we should be more concerned about his new pet,” Alvine interrupted.
“Al! You can’t just call Eri’s old man a pet!” Julie exclaimed. “At least call him a homeless gremlin.”
“I’m not a gremlin, either!” Cedric protested.
“Not him!” Alvine hissed. “I’m talking about that thing on Eri’s shoulder!”
The group looked back at Eri.
Upon the uncomfortable youth’s left shoulder was a bird — a small avian-looking creature the size of a sparrow, made entirely of beautiful crystals.
“How rude. I am far too majestic to be called a mere ‘thing’, girl,” the crystal bird scoffed. “Your lowly human intellect is closer to that of an inanimate object than I could ever be.”
Eri glared meaningfully at the avian. The bird caught its master’s gaze and sighed.
“What I mean to say is, Squawk. I’m just a parrot. Squawk. Squawk. Dumb humans. Squawk.” Despite its inhuman form, the bird’s expression could not be described as anything but a scowl.
Deyara burst out laughing.
“Yeah, no one's buying that,” Raharim said. His gaze was interested, however. “Is this an animal familiar? It’s made of the same material as your arm.”
“That’s a pretty arm, too. Can we all have one?” Julie asked.
“If one is willing to sell their soul, a bargain can be made,” the ‘parrot’ immediately said.
“No,” Alvine shot back.
“Eh, my soul’s not worth much. How much would, say, an eighth of my soul go for?” Julie asked.
“I could grant you a crystal eye that ensures your arrows never miss,” the bird flapped its wings excitedly. “Geometric perfection in the palm of your hands. A small price, would you not agree— Arrk!”
Eri grabbed his parrot’s neck and wrung it around. “Ignore the stupid bird. It was Admiral Rann’s pet familiar. It came with the arm. As for Cedric, well… He’s the reason why Kalisa is here with us now. Oh, and he also once worked with the Duskcrowns”
Everyone recoiled at that — except for Dulcina, who was trembling with rage, and the twins, who already knew.
Cedric winced. “Did you really need to tell them that?”
“Dulcina already knows, so there’s no point hiding it,” Eri said, completely missing the problem. “I’m sure it’s not a issue.”
Before Cedric could retort, Dulcina lunged at the man, her rapier raised.
The room rapidly dissolved into chaos after that.
~~~
Three weeks after Eri’s crew first encountered and rescued the imperial logistics outpost from pirate frigates, the expedition was setting sail again.
This time, a formidable frigate accompanied the biovore corvette, along with two hundred imperial troops and a large surplus of ship materials and other provisions.
The logistic shipyard was stripped bare, and the fortress’s supplies were loaded onto the frigate. The freshly-repaired Vigilant Dawn flew the imperial flag above its mighty sails. Crewed with an additional twenty dwarves of the Throngdravi Clan, the vessel was moving at good speed, despite the imperial soldiers' relative inexperience with the massive warship.
All seemed well as the two warships made their way to regroup with the scattered imperial forces across the outer seas of the Slaver Isles.
Eri, unfortunately, was not in the mood to enjoy the expedition’s progress.
“Hey, Julie… What do girls like as gifts?”
The archer turned to Eri, confused. Her hands were currently on her bow, an arrow primed to fire. “Um, is this really a good time to ask? We are kinda busy.”
Around them, the raging tentacles of the biovore corvette fought off against a swarm of killer sharks. More than a few had already thrown themselves on the deck and were currently fighting the crew.
Contrary to their monstrous appearance, the creatures attacking them were not demons, but merely the predatory wildlife born from the harsh conditions of the western seas. Each of the sharks was as large as a wagon and fiendishly aggressive, their teeth gnashing at the fleshy hull, with some even ramming into it at high speeds.
Eri shrugged, lifting a musket. “I don’t really have time to talk these days. Been too busy coordinating our forces with the imperial’s, so this is as good a time as any.”
“Huh,” she smiled excitedly. “Well, I have a few ideas! It’s nice finally getting someone to talk romance with.”
Julie finally let loose an arrow, not even turning her head back to aim. The sonic projectile hit a shark dead-on regardless.
“It’s not romance,” Eri said half-heartedly. He tossed a few grenades in the water, watching them blow chunks in the sharks. “I’m trying to get Dulcina to forgive me. She’s still mad.”
“Ah, that. Well, no surprise she’s pissed. I would be, too,” Julie nodded. “Well! This will be an uphill battle for you, considering the shit you pulled, but if you need a gift, you can’t go wrong with flowers, to start!”
“Um, we are in the middle of the ocean. Where would I get flowers?”
“You don’t have any in your spatial pouch?” she asked as she drew another arrow and fired it into the eye of a shark. The creature had leapt onto the deck and nearly bit into a screaming Bori before Julie intervened.
“Only herbs and medicine. Do those count?”
“No. Sheesh, you got an infinite pocket space, and you don’t even have a bouquet of roses prepared for a special occasion?”
Well, he could use the System Shop to buy one, but that seemed excessive.
“I’ll keep that in mind the next time we get on land.” Eri pulled out a musket and fired it into the water. “Anything else?”
“Hm… Buy her pretty jewellery?”
“Again, we are in the ocean.”
“Take her someplace nice for dinner?”
“Ocean, Julie”
“Alright, I’m out of ideas, then,” Julie scowled. “Stupid ocean, removing all romantic rendezvous. I just listed out all the ideas I had when I tried dating Alvine a while back.”
Eri hadn’t even known the two of them had been in a relationship together. He sighed. “I guess I can ask Alvine later. Hopefully, she’s feeling generous enough to answer.”
“Hmm… Oh! There is one method I haven’t mentioned yet! It always works great at cheering Al up whenever we argue.”
“Really? What is it?”
“Sex. Of the super kinky variety. There’s this trick with ties and knots you can try. Never fails to get Al in the mood, no matter how much I pissed her off. Let’s find some sail rope around later, I can show you how—”
“No.”
~~~
The next day, Eri approached Alvine.
“Have you tried just talking to her about it?” Alvine suggested as she threw her javelin into the air. “Dulcina’s not unreasonable. And don’t think I’ve missed how you’ve been avoiding her recently.”
“It’s just… awkward to be around her,” Eri explained as he fired shrieking rockets skywards. “Whenever I think how she must be mad at me, I… panic. Besides, won’t it be better for me to have an apology gift ready first before I approach her?”
“Based on what I know of the ice princess, I don’t think she cares about such things… On your left.”
“I see it.”
Eri pulled out another rocket tube and fired.
One explosion later, the bloody corpse of a giant, fanged-beak seagull crashed onto the deck of the biovore corvette.
There were already dozens of their feathered bodies around the deck, their blood soaking the wooden floor. Dozens more flew overhead, shrieking nosily as they harassed the vessel and its defenders.
Once again, it was not demons attacking the ship. It was just the natural hostile wildlife of the West.
“I could use any suggestions you have. You seem like you would know what to do best,” Eri asked as he shot down another seagull biting at the sails. In the distance, he heard his ‘parrot’ squawking nosily as it flew about the ship, trying to avoid getting swallowed whole.
“Why, because I like women while I’m a woman myself?” she grunted as she violently threw another spear. The spinning projectile impaled three avians in a row before it dragged their corpses to the sea.
“I mean, I already asked Julie, and she—”
“Say no more,” Alvine sighed. “That woman’s a menace when it comes to date ideas.”
“You still went out with her.”
“Because I have the worst taste in partners.” She paused. “And also because she’s ridiculously good in bed. She does this thing, with knots—”
“I already know.”
“Oh, good. Then go do that with the ice princess.”
“Dulcina’s my sister!” Eri exclaimed. He couldn’t believe Alvine would suggest that. His next shot went wide, drawing the attention of a screeching avian. “Ah, blast.”
The diving seagull nearly smashed into the youth before a sudden flash of steel cut its head off.
Dulcina flicked the blood off her rapier, her eyes focused and burning silver. She activated her Artes once more, throwing a snowy veil over her before going invisible, stalking the deck like a vengeful wraith once more.
“You can’t tell me you’ve never looked at that and thought about it,” Alvine huffed.
“I thought you hated her!”
“Oh, I do. But I only hate her personality. Everything else, on the other hand…”
“I really don’t want to hear this…”
“Oh, please. The two of you are not even related, and she’s hot as sin,” Alvine stated, almost factually. “If she were my step-sister, I wouldn’t let that stop me. Besides, I’ve seen the way she looks at you sometimes.”
“You are even worse than Julie,” Eri complained.
“No argument there.”
~~~
Eri tried with Deyara.
“Tie her up to a bed, then—”
“No.”
“Okay, then tie yourself up to a bed, then—”
“No!”
“Well, I’m out of ideas. As thanks for my wisdom, go prepare me a bath and make me those cheesesticks again. I also want a back massage while I take my soak.”
Same as always. “Yeah, yeah…”
~~~
He then went to Peythra.
“Have you considered sex?” she suggested innocently.
“Even you?!” Eri cried.
“Ah, a difference in culture. I forget humans can be a little prudish at times,” Peythra nodded to herself. “In an elven conclave, intimate activities are comparatively frequent and open, since it helps maintain the stability of the psychoactive gestalt. If you are worried about your inexperience, I’ll be happy to help you master the basics before—”
“N-no!”
~~~
Kalisa was next.
“I have several vials of potent aphrodisiacs with me. Also, diagrams for visual aids or stimulants, booklets for various positions and exercises suited for beginners, instructional material for more ‘inventive’ uses of magic, as well as—”
“I don’t even know why I tried with you,” Eri lamented.
“As your doctor, I also advise against using that crystal arm of yours, but if you insist, I have oils and ointments that can reduce discomfort.”
“Okay, I’m leaving!”
~~~
In his desperation, he went to Officer Amber.
“I feel like we have more important things to discuss than your love life right now,” she complained as she aimed her pistol at the slimy tentacle blob currently climbing up the hull of the frigate.
“Why does everyone keep assuming it’s romantic? I just want to apologise to her!” Eri complained, throwing an incendiary into the oily waters below. The creatures below shrieked at the flames.
“Then just apologise already. You don’t need a fancy gift for that,” Amber grunted as she reloaded her sidearm.
The monster of the depth roared. The waters around them exploded in enormous geysers as oily tentacles rose around the frigate. Clumps of black slime fell on the deck and mast. They grew mouths and started screaming in incomprehensible gibberish.
The imperial soldiers looked utterly unconcerned as they levelled their guns or blades and got to work. There was an ear-splitting blast as the dwarven-modified cannons on the frigate’s broadside opened fire, vomiting great gouts of green flames that set entire tentacles ablaze. They still burned even as they retreated into the water, illuminating the screaming monster below.
“Thanks for the cannons, by the way,” Amber grinned. “The dwarves did great work. Never seen some of those designs before.”
“They are mine. I made them specifically to counter the threats we might face in the ocean,” Eri replied. “The waters are a lot more hostile now. We are getting attacked almost every day.”
As if to illustrate his point, over on the Biovore corvette, the crew was scrambling to save Bori, who was being hoisted up in the air by the limb of some giant octopus-whale thing. Eri’s parrot — the disguised form of Andrealphus — was also squawking angrily as the bird was somehow entangled in the same limb that caught Bori.
“Mm. Getting close to the inner seas. We will start meeting up with more imperial troops in a few days, though I can’t vouch for what state we will find them in,” Officer Amber said. “Either way, sort out your issues with your girlfriend already. Even I can tell you’ve been distracted these past few days.”
“She’s my older sister, not my girlfriend.”
“I know what I said. You nobles and your twisted, disgusting fetishes…”
“We aren’t related! A-and it’s not like that between us, anyway!”
“Oh. Well, that makes it slightly better. Look, if it helps, I have a spare bottle of quality booze somewhere. Drink with her, and once the mood strikes, you take her to bed, and—”
“Damn it all, that’s it!” Eri threw his hands up. “This is impossible, I give up!”
What he wouldn’t give to have Elen to talk to… She was the only sane individual in his life. She would know what to do.
He wondered how the matron was doing at the moment.
Comments
Youkai-sama
Of COURSE Julie's a Dom & Alvine likes shibari. 😆 Also, after 4 (5, 6) same suggestions, they may know something you don't.
Pibblepunk
Eri, her literal fiance would prefer her attentions go to you. Accept her or reject her, but it's past time to make a decision.
