Lou Roth
patreon
Heyyyyyyyyyy......... ♥︎
🕑 Added 2023-12-11 11:05:57 +0000 UTCWhen I said posting would get spotty for a while, a two week halt is not what I had imagined. Gulp. Truth is, I’m really Going Through It right now— not in a bad way, but in a way that is incredibly hard to wrap my head around. On one hand, I feel better about ouro than I ever have; things are falling into place, I’m getting organized, words and art are tumbling out of me at a really sustainable pace. I breathed in the spores of It and It has integrated with me on a molecular level.
Then on the other hand, I feel at a complete loss with the ‘content’ part of it. Allowing myself to work on many things simultaneously, feeling joy about including this project in so many aspects of my life, does not lend itself well to finishing the bite-sized pieces that I have been posting on here, at all! It does make all the difference for my consistency in creating, but again, only if I allow myself to jump between tasks and inching my way forward that way. Couple that with my desperate need to keep everything to myself until it reaches an acceptable level of polish, and we have... this.
Every day I wake up with fun ideas on what to make, but as soon as I suggest that it could go on patreon, the basement door of my mind creaks open and the Monster slithers out, trailing insecurity all over the place, leaving it a mess. Its heartbeat beats from under the floor, it beats and beats and beats until I can’t take it anymore, and I have to quickly abandon the idea of posting lest it ruins my day, or even worse, my entire week.
This is a problem that feels solvable to me, but the constant pressure of Consistent Content is what needs to be removed, because that is like catnip for the damn thing. And that feels ridiculous to me— that’s what makes other creators so successful! Staggered releases and never letting the algorithm rest! I must feed its insatiable appetite or I will be eaten by it! How can I ever make it as a full time creator with a mindset that is the complete anathema to success today? Riddle me that, and I’ll build a sacrificial altar in your name. I know I moan about this a lot, but it really feels hopeless sometimes.
I am doing the best I can. I feel like I stumble more than I walk. I wouldn’t blame you for canceling or for expecting more of me, and I need to say that, if you are here, despite me not having anything figured out, despite the… gestures vaguely at everything, I— I feel something I can’t even find a word for. My whole life has been defined by living up to unrealistic expectations and I have worked so hard at achieving them, but at some point in these past few years that taut string snapped and I just. can’t. keep. up. anymore. That you are here to sit with me through that, to accept my imperfections while I try to rebuild is something so— so precious and comforting to me. Thank you.
For a while, I will try to share as often as I can, but I’m ridding myself of the schedule. I want to see how it works. I still have a secret task-list to be done every week, but I’m trying not to be so strict about when it is posted— while that doesn’t quite allow for consistent content, it feels more curated; purposeful, instead of just getting something out there. As long as I don't abandon unfinished work, surely I will hit a point of critical mass and have a catalogue of stuff to show you.
What do you think? Want to hunt me for sport now that I have shown vulnerability? I’m just kidding. By now I know that you are reasonable people, which is why I even feel comfortable sharing this with you in the first place— trust me when I say that it doesn’t come easy, but God Damnit does it feel worth it when I speak from the heart.
In conclusion:
But I am still giving it my all. Someday soon, I hope this paralysis of what to share loosens, so that I can confidently tell you what it is that I am doing. Right now I have no idea! But I'm doing a lot of it, and it feels like I am on the right track.
Also, before I go. Psst. I have something brewing that I’d like to post in the coming days, but for now, look at this:
My new Scrivener file for all things OUROBOROS (except for actual game-text— at most there is first draft writing or deleted snippets, but mostly notes and other story components), complete with its own theme and everything. It is a pleasure to hang out in there, let me tell you. This is one of the places I’m getting organized in, combining and condensing hundreds of googly docs into this one beast of a file. It’s slow going, though incredibly gratifying to have everything right there. Revisiting lost notes and miscellaneous ideas has pulled so many good writing sessions out of me, and made me connect many dots. Look at her! Isn't she wonderful? *dreamy sigh*
That's it, my sweet. If you read through this whole thing, thank you. See you soon. x
Comments
honeylou
and to you, vin 🥹 ♥️
fooltofancy
all the love, lou <3
honeylou
Hi b :} You are so right about the vicious cycle of it, the learning curve and the trial and error. *sobs* It feels so damn good to hear you say it because I trap myself in this really dark thinking that I am some uniquely lazy person that just doesn't Get It. Whenever I do a heart to heart, I am always shocked to learn that I do not stand alone, that you all understand the struggle. It means the world to me that you take the time to write a response. I hope you are doing well, sweetness. Love ya too ❤️
honeylou
IM RIGHT THERE WITH YOU! It's so hard to disconnect from that grind, because its everywhere & a proven method of success. Logically I know that everyone is on their own journey and that I should just appreciate where I am (because I have come so far!) but the fomo is unreal, a real Eldritch Horror that just Looms Menacingly. Appreciate you Kaire ❤️ hope you are doing well!
honeylou
I read the full reply you sent on disc- because yes, jeez. patreon can be really iffy with their comments! I just want you to know that you give me so much happiness & comfort that I float throughout my days. Not just because of the comments, but your presence. I will carry your words in my heart always ❤️
kingdom-dance
Love ya Lou, as usual, thank you for your honesty and transparency. There is an immense pressure to just create something out of nothing over and over and over again and I don’t doubt how incredibly draining that can be when it’s from both external sources and internally. Finding your groove in this thing is a learning curve and I’m glad you’re giving yourself some grace to find that creative work flow sweet spot and trial and error things and dump the methodology that just isn’t right for you! Keep on keeping on and whenever the next tidbit or update or whatever you have in store comes out way we will be here waiting patiently 🩵🩵
Kairelite
Brb, finding the algorithm, burning its house to the ground and dancing upon the ashes
Monaco
heyyy lou <3 first off, love love love the way your scrivener set up for ouro looks: it's beautiful, genuinely. makes me think of a rainy autumn morning, tea in the hand, that little nip in the air. very cozy, love it. would love to live in it's walls. second, hey, big breathes, unclenched jaws. what i'm about to say is nominally superficial compared to what it's like to be on the other side--i've been there, though, if that helps at all to know. stepping off of that algorithmic treadmill is hard. can feel a lot like stepping away from the feast table still hungry. feel a lot like giving up. it's not, but it can feel like that. i started subscribing on patreon in support of what you'd already created, in the desire see the next update through, because i believe in your work. and because i found a little community here and i wanted to pay it forward. anything else you create on top of that is beautiful, wonderful, and i love it, but know that i never held and still do not hold the expectation of more content. especially on top of the... absolutely herculean effort of creating an interactive fiction story as a solo developer. i'm sure there's no small number of us that feel much the same as i do. i've said as much to you before i think, but i'll reiterate it here. with that said, i want to talk about success, the paradigm of that: it's so hard to not chase the algorithm's numbers. we all, deep down, love to see that proverbial line go up. it's only human. i want you to know that, this choice, this step, is one i respect and endorse, but beyond that, i want you to know that you'll have your hard-line supporters irrespective of content for as long as we're able to be there. it may not be the largest bastion of support, may not be the biggest number, but we'll be there. because it's a great story, your story, and we want to see it through. :) i hope you have a lovely day. take care of yourself, lou. <3
honeylou
Ack. 🥹 I feel so grateful I could burst-- so much of the reality of developing a massive project like this gets lost when I give in to these feelings of inadequacy, and I forget that it's not a sprint! That you are willing to send me encouragement, to bring my feet back to the ground is just. so very kind. Thank you ❤️ I can't wait to finally get to show you the fruits of my labor and share in that joy, too. I'm slowing my pace so we can meander and appreciate the scenery together. 💖
honeylou
Oh. This is such a wonderful message! I'm blushing and feeling all sorts of flustered. Thank you for saying that- sometimes I feel like Sisyphus with this ridiculous relationship I'm having with creativity online, with all the doubts and anxieties it brings. I really hope that by going after my own rules now, I will find a path that works. There's a lot of back and forth and rehashing lessons I thought I had already learned 😅 Thank you again, truly, for giving me the same feeling Sam gives me when he says 'There's still good in this world, Frodo, and it's worth fighting for.' You made my day! And happy holidays to you too!! I hope you have a beautiful, cozy time filled with sweetness and comfort ❤️
Stephanie Beth
Sending you lots of hugs and thank you for everything you do. 🩷 It's a journey we are on with you, not a sprint, and we've got your back.
culinaryConstellation
hey lou! i recently subscribed because i wanted to check in on how you're doing, not so much the content. i'll admit i'm a little familiar with how regular content upkeep can put pressure on creators. i just wanted to say thank you for letting us know how you've felt about releasing these snippets and more! i can only hope i speak for some of us that you should feel able to pace yourself with the updates you give us! this sort of routine, i think, isn't extremely sustainable. and while i'm sure we appreciate all the behind-the-scenes content, it would ultimately do us no good if it ends up burning you out on progressing on the overall project. i'm sure we can be patient on the next update! and i do hope you'll be able to find time in the upcoming days to relax and enjoy the company of friends/family! happy holidays! (even if it seems a little early to wish it!)
