Lou Roth
patreon
devlog #38, :3 [revised title: >:3]
🕑 Added 2025-03-12 17:13:39 +0000 UTCMe, to myself at 3am of the first Spring Day, on the student website hovering over some courses: You absolutely cannot derail your plan no matter how much you want to be an author/gamemaker/whateverthefuckthisis!!! It is not sustainable!! You wild, rumpled, mess of a thing. Do not do it.
Also me, gimlet-eyed and positively salivating from all face-orifices (re: rabid racoon-esque, very Fashion of me.) at 4am of the first Spring Day on the student website hovering over some very choice courses, mumbling something about "I can eat cake":
More on that, later.
I'm coming off a week were I just had to take a break after work/school, and not work more. A lot of ugly deadline related things culminated around paytime, as did a lot of overdue bills, as did... other crap I'm to tired to even recount, but you know them: when I say that I didn't take care of myself properly for a week or so, I mean that in I had people actually banging on my door just to tell me I look like crap and unceremoniously dumping a spa-package in my lap and wouldn't leave until I painted my nails post all the wet stuff (ALL of them. ugh) (They are not here, but Thank You L&S. Owe you my life).
So, whatever the fuck else is going on, at least several layers of my skin is stripped rosy fresh and moisturized (re: greasy little beast). And well fucking watered. I spent a week playing videogames (everyone send a glare in Jessys direction for getting me back into destiny 2 once MORE (frantic whisper: how does this keep happening?!)— and another softer look in thanks for getting me through trials and to the lighthouse with the aid of Badge (my HERO). (ps. How many parentheses are allowed in a devlog? asking for a friend)
And another, soft faced, heart-pounding declaration of love from me, with a boombox outside your window, H, for talking me off ledges and keeping me sane. I love you so much. You are actually here so one more thing: oh my god please don't be mad at me. leave that to the shotgun man. cough. res, please? SOON?) and doing fuckall else. Oh, right. Um. I checked and I've apparently read over a million words worth of fanfic. In a week. On top of my literature. If nothing else, I am A Certified BookWorm (does a squiggly thing with my body), and that does make the little swot in me very, very pleased. Gah! You have no idea how much I needed that. Sometimes its so easy for me to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of things that I truly forget that I'm allowed to have fun, too. That it is part of the process. That time spent recovering isn't time wasted.
Sure, do I wish I had the resources or even just the time to do all of this at lightning speed? Yes. Is it realistic? Hell fucking no. But I do need to make a new plan of action. Let me explain. Let me lay it out for you. Because in all honesty? If I had it my way, this dev log would just be one, eleven hour long, audio recording of me cackling like the wicked witch of the wilds. No pause for breaths.
I've been stuck. I've been at this turning point since getting the UI back from the renpy dev and I feel so scared to take a step forward because I just feel like the whole world is going to get pulled out from beneath my feet as soon as I do. And I haven't known how to articulate it, because I'm truly at the point where I can't just continue working on this (the story (-ies,tbh)) with just me and the keyboard in the dark: push has come to shove, and I'm getting real antsy in getting 1) the new demo up and 2) finishing the complete book 1. As per the usual, the coding is holding me back. It is so wholly overwhelming when it's just me and this whole slew of Life Things getting in the way. I wish I had more resources, (dontlookatmeIhadalookatSHOH'stwinelaunchandwasservedaLARGEsliceofhumblepie.myfavorite(loud buzzer sound: It Is Not)) or even just more time, but I am faced with the fact that it is just me and whatever these (fresh paint: burgundy) fingies can clack out on a keyboard.
And you won't be patient forever, I get that.
So I've been nibbling my lip, thinking of the best way to approach this. Things I've gotten down so far:
1) the writing is practically done. There is no writers-block to be had, and it was as much a surprise to me as I'm sure there is to you. Every single detail barring the actual still missing sentences of some paths and choices, is there. Unreal. Anyway. Elbow grease and woman-hours, that's it. There is so much there already that it sends my heart a-flutter (nauuur. Im kidding. It makes me nauseous. In... a good way ? )
2) the UI for a renpy app, bar iOS, is practically done. Grumbles. I am… uh. I don't really know how I feel about it, because I expected more, but I am squinting at the code on a regular basis, trying to make sense. There are some big issues, and I need more research-hours, but I feel reluctant because I had such a bad experience. (I truly just feel like chucking it into the sea but that's not how this goes— I'm searching for the path of least resistance here.) I'm trying my very fucking best to get over it, I am. In all honesty, it is a money issue. I need to get another dev, or I need to get paid to do this full time (old mobster voice, smoking a cig on a long, long pin, fur around my shoulders: ya' see?)
3) my IRL money-issues are still hard. I'm working, full-time. I am studying, near full-time. It takes up a lot of my time; not just the work. Paired with constantly having to make plans for my dog so that she is not alone, and social obligations so I don't become a frumpy thirty-something with no twinkle in my eyes, it takes so much mental energy I barely have time for anything else. Sometimes I need a week off to paint my nails, click heads in destiny, and fuckall else. Sigh. Remind me again why the world is a wonderful place?
4) one option is to completely put ouro on ice. There are multiple reasons as to why I haven't done that, though. Firstly, I think if I did, I would just never find my way back to it in a reasonable time. The characters, the story of ouro need out so badly, and sometimes it feels like the only anchor I have in this world that is fully MINE and not influenced by other factors. It's the gem of my dragon hoard. It's something, from deep inside. It's as cathartic as it is mind-numbingly awful to deal with. Idk. Secondly, who the fuck lays down to die on the finish line? I am so fucking close. If I can just get my shit together. And third, as I've said before: you patreons are literally saving my ass month to month. Without your support I would genuinely suffer. I'm hoping for more stability in the months to come, but I've been actually and honest to god counting pennies to get through the past months. Blegh. It's taking a toll, it is. Everyone say a prayer that this legal crap comes to an end soon, and that my paychecks come in with less pain, and that I can finally furnish my home (yeah, still… bare to the bones. But you know what I miss most?? My (once, curated, chic) wardrobe. Having stuff in the doodad-drawers. I lost my only (it's okay, you can laugh.) fork last week and I have been eating everything with fucking chopsticks because I keep forgetting to procure a new one. I am LITERALLY a parody of that one line in ouro: one plate, one cup, and one set of cutlery. It's haunting me now. GOD. lies down and dies a little.)
4) thankfully, end of summer, I will cross over into being a student full time and finally get the actual funding+loans that comes with that. The money isn't great, but it frees up time. If I pair that with ouroboros and try to whole-heartedly make patreon/tumblr postings an income like I know my peers do, I could make it work. Which brings me to point five. And like the five point palm exploding heart technique....
5) I might (I have) postpone(d) (see footnote:) my cultural heritage/museum bachelors, because, right before that term, there is another string of classes where I can have some support with coding this beast book, and the next. This book is only one of two, and I already have so much material for book two. BUT. I do need help. I would be confident in coding it all by myself if I didn't have other responsibilities, but learning a coding language while both working, living and studying, is just not feasible. Only hangup is, that these strings of classes is in web-development. Meaning HTML and java and CSS. Meaning Twine. I've spoken to the student counselor of A Uni (the STUD-counselor, if you catch my drift (winkingINCESSANTLY)) and they are positive that I can make ouro my project for exams. But with going to those classes, I do postpone my actual bachelors (although, I am not turning my nose on the fact that I will have some coding experience, which is relevant in any field, doubly so in archaic archives…. but the time, and that im just a dying old lady....AUGH). It would only be two terms, but still. I don't know. YELP! SQUEE!
I will be posting a poll as soon as I can formulate the actual question (which will, in fact, boil down to: am I crazy, or nah?), but please. I implore you. I beseech you, brother. Talk to me. Tell me if this is wild. Is ouro worth it??? I will continue on as I have for the past weeks, working on finalizing the demo, writing, but without any coding, for now. Did you like the extracts, the sneekpeaks, on here? Want more of them? Hell, even the full chapters, text form? I am hoarding the money you pay into patreon from now on, again, because I get my first paycheck next month (does a littly happy dance), to use in whatever case (Twine vs Renpy: Fight!) wins. I must tell you though, as I was much calmed by these words from an acquaintance myself: These things happen, when developing a game, a product, especially when solo and doubly so when having no experience. You think your road is set, but setbacks can and WILL happen. All I can do, is re-calibrate, and make the best of it that I can. So. My loves. What the fuck have I gotten us into? What ever will we do?
Footnotes: 
(who the fuck does patreons formatting and can you give me their address. Noooo, no. I just want to talk.)
HEY! Don't you dare walk away. look at me. Look At Me. I am the captain now. And we're doing this. Are we not?
xx
Comments
Suwariish
While Ink is usually used with Unity it doesn't need it since it can port straight to HTML like Twine does (Ink also has a prebuilt save system + dark/light themes when exporting to HTML) and the ability to add javascript + css to it.
culinaryConstellation
you and your beautiful brain have my eternal patience (and my wallet for as long as i can support it)! keep up the good creative fight! remember that we're all rooting for you <3 much love!! 🥰
honeylou
im doing a little bubbly and wheezy sound from my throat. I'm in awe of you, for believing in me when I feel like I am doing all things wrong. (for whatever it's worth?? it's everything to me. EVERYTHING.) <3
honeylou
not me absolutely weeping at your reply!!! (also omg. THE FORMATTING is such a pain, ain't it. You and me, lets take up arms!) welp, I pressed enter and sent the reply away before even starting. Lol. ANYWAY-- thank you. From the murky depths of my black, shriveled heart, thank you. I'm so excited to take these classes and it feels like a huge weight off my shoulders to tell you about my wish and reasoning. I absolutely can flip between the two, you are right! I hope it won't come to that, but honestly, when has it ever been a *bad* thing to learn more. I just feel so frustrated that I can't make it (finished story) happen faster. Hopefully, with some money in my pocket, I can catch up on lost time eventually (does a wobbly and a little woozy face) MWAH. kissing into the sky for you. You've made my day. Thank you <3
honeylou
I've seen inky before, and I did consider it quite heavily for a time! The markup is much like cside in its ease, but I would have to use unity for the rest which felt very, very scary haha! Thank you so much for the rec, though :) <3
Crouton
I can't speak from experience like the other commenters, but I do think ouro is worth it. If it's important to you, and it makes you happy and helps you feel fulfilled, it's worth it just for that. I know it won't be easy, but it's there. And we're here for it and you, for whatever that's worth
culinaryConstellation
ok. well. i'm already late for work (my fault entirely) and i promised myself to write a comment for the previous post and then forgot (oops) so i'm writing this now before i forget. -> omg. patreon mobile. brb killing it. ill format this later on desktop. anyway. (edit: its edited now c:< ignore the removed comments. everything got formatted here.) ouro is fucking worth it if it's the gem in your dragon hoard. it's the rainbow in my skies, or the moon on my walks home; i stumble back to it when i remember it exists, or it finds me through one of your dev logs. i miss ouro dearly! but also no pressure, because i know life is hard. if it helps i also have a writing project that's taken me years (not for profit, er its basically fanfiction. i do it for fun). to me that is worth it and so i say this shall be too, because art and creation and the joys in life are important. the time spent on creativity is not wasted!! so then i would say go take those coding classes. if i had more bandwidth and i knew renpy i would offer to take a look at the code myself (i'm in gamedev; i do c# and unity at best but not renpy and its been years! since i thought abt html/css. i doubt i will be of much help). but also i think having ouro as the subject of those studies for coding should tide it off easier? imo at least. that was how coding classes were to me, and despite the headache of me banging my head against the learning curve, coding is now also my full time job(?!) so i can promise: it does get easier over time. things will start to make sense, and (reluctantly saying this) frustration is part of the process. get mad! and then pavlov yourself if you must to bridge that disconnect. but ultimately, beyond my words as a biased coding person and as your patreon, do follow your heart. you are the captain and i am speaking but we are your silly little motley crew coming along for the ride. where you go we shall follow, so please point the way and be satisfied with that choice. <3 i am very glad you are doing well! -> sorry im extra silly. renpy vs twine: i know twine is more portable than renpy (see: yarnspinner as built off of twine for unity) and i do not remember if renpy can split text into separate files from its code. both are good. however, if the limitations of coding are your concern for moving forward, do the easiest thing possible right now (imo its twine? with classes to support your learning etc). if you are so invested, or hit a roadblock with twine, in it you can always doubleback to renpy later in the future. yes the doublebacking work will suck, but in our industry, the minimum viable product works better to show for progress. plus, unless you're doing something that takes the creative experience of ouro to visual novels level of complexity, you don't need that powerful a language to get the story done imo. save yourself the stress!
Suwariish
If your amenable to suggestions (in the Twine v Ren'py fight at least) or at least having another option to consider... maybe take a gander at Ink(y): https://www.inklestudios.com/ink/ ? It's basically a language made to be inserted into other engines, but can also just be compiled into an html (with javascript and css integration too) file like Twine, that uses markup (meaning text comes before coding/logic!) and has rather robust documentation. It also has a MIT license similar to Twine and Ren'py's.
