M.S. Davidson
patreon
EXTRA: Foundations of Academic Brutality
🕑 Added 2025-09-20 16:03:01 +0000 UTCAUTHORS NOTE: This has been unlocked on Royal Road in a few weeks, so it is posting as part of the regular posts.
The Uncatalogued Stacks of Sylvarus Academy's library carried that particular stillness found only in forgotten corners of the world. Here, the air hung thick with dust that had settled on arguments nobody remembered having, weighted with the accumulated silence of centuries. Sylvarus didn't maintain a traditional restricted section—knowledge, Diana always insisted, belonged to those bold enough to seek it. But these deeper shelves, crammed with texts deemed either too radical or simply too outdated for general consumption, served the same purpose. This was where Dara found the real treasures, assuming you considered academic headaches treasurable.
Her current headache involved the infuriating scarcity of anything useful about Vajra instruments. She moved through the stacks with fluid grace, her spiritual essence lending her a weightlessness that barely disturbed the dance of dust motes in the pale light cast by hovering orbs. Though Diana Aldertree now ruled as Archon, reshaping the magical world through sheer force of will and creative profanity, Dara remembered her as a younger woman—no less formidable, just marginally less politically powerful. Time, for a Tower Spirit, moved in cycles rather than lines.
Her fingers, more essence than flesh, brushed against a slim volume tucked behind a series of mind-numbing treatises on agricultural runework. No protective sigils, no concealment spells—just a book that had been thoroughly ignored, a relic from when the Academy allowed more honest conversations.
The title, stamped in faded silver on plain gray leather, brought an actual smile to Dara's lips: Foundations of Fuckwittery: A Brutally Honest Guide to Not Dying Immediately - By Diana Aldertree.
"Subtle as a brick through a window," Dara murmured, the sound like wind through old parchment.
She remembered the chaos surrounding its brief, explosive publication. Fresh from her promotion to Archon, Diana had penned it as a no-bullshit primer for incoming Initiates, back when they still had delusions about studying at Sylvarus. The faculty, particularly the delicate flowers on the curriculum board, had nearly launched her from the island. The language alone had been scandalous. The sheer, undiluted contempt for academic pretense? Pure Diana. They'd pulled it from required reading before the ink dried on the second printing, banishing it to these dusty depths through administrative cowardice. Diana hadn't given a damn—she'd made her point, and those Initiates lucky enough to snag copies were probably better for it, even if traumatized.
With the satisfaction of an archaeologist uncovering a particularly juicy scandal, Dara drew the book down. Its spine protested with a gentle crack as she opened it, Diana's voice practically leaping from the page with all the warmth of a tactical nuclear strike. She settled against a towering bookcase, ancient wood cool against her form, and began reading.
⁂
Foundations of Fuckwittery: A Brutally Honest Guide to Not Dying Immediately
By Grand Master Diana Aldertree
(Officially Sanctioned Academic Torment) —A student had scrawled this across the cover page.
Foreword: So You Think You Can Handle Magic Without Immediately Shitting Yourself?
Listen carefully, you walking disasters, because most of you won't survive the first week without absorbing what I'm about to cram into your thick skulls. You've had your precious "First Awakening." Don't preen like peacocks—it means you've graduated from being blind as cave slugs to merely short-sighted as bats. You can now perceive the faintest whispers of mana, reality's fundamental building blocks, and runes, the universe's own sadistically cryptic shorthand. Congratulations. You've achieved the magical equivalent of a toddler discovering their own genitals exist. Doesn't mean you know what to do with them besides probably stick them somewhere catastrophically inappropriate.
This book exists—assuming those pearl-clutching cowards on the curriculum board haven't neutered it again—to drill one simple fucking fact into your heads: magic is not your friend. It's not some gentle mentor waiting to hold your hand through cosmic enlightenment. It's a colossal, indifferent machine that will grind you into paste and use the remainder as fertilizer if you approach it with the arrogance and ignorance currently radiating from you like cheap perfume from a dockside brothel.
You are Initiates. The absolute bottom rung of a ladder that stretches into realms of power your pea brains can't even conceptualize. Your job isn't brilliance—gods know that ship has sailed. Your job is basic fucking competency. Try not to be catastrophically stupid for long enough that someone more qualified can teach you something useful.
⁂
Chapter 1: The Universe Gives Precisely Zero Fucks About Your Dreams
Let's establish some ground rules before you get yourselves killed. Runebinding isn't some benevolent gift bestowed upon the worthy by a caring cosmos. It's a fundamental force, like gravity that'll splatter you across pavement or lightning that'll fry your reproductive organs if you're stupid enough to wave metal rods during thunderstorms. Magic has rules. Absolute, unforgiving, non-negotiable rules that don't care about your feelings, your dreams, or that tragically optimistic gleam in your vacant eyes.
You don't ask magic to do things—that's what children and madmen do before they spontaneously combust. You learn its language, its grammar, its syntax, and then maybe, if you're not completely hopeless, you can string together coherent requests that don't result in your explosive disintegration across multiple dimensions.
Your "Mana Sensitivity" means you can feel ambient energy. Wonderful. A wolf can smell a female in heat from miles away; doesn't make it a breeding expert. Your "Runic Awareness" will, with excruciating effort and probably some light brain damage, allow you to distinguish different runes without needing training wheels. Don't strain anything important. It's like learning to tell shit from chocolate—vital if you plan on eating, but hardly the mark of genius.
The universe operates on cause and effect, not hopes and dreams. You pathetic little sparks of potential are about to become intimately familiar with the 'effect' part if you don't master the 'cause.' Magic doesn't negotiate, compromise, or give participation trophies.
⁂
Chapter 6: Mana—The Energy of Creation, Which You're Already Wasting
Mana. The fundamental essence of magical potential flowing through reality like blood through cosmic arteries. You can feel it now—a trickle, perhaps a hesitant stream if you're among the less cerebrally challenged specimens. It's the most precious substance in existence, and you'll treat it with all the respect of pigs in a vegetable garden. You'll squander it, spill it, and attempt channeling it with the finesse of drunken oxen.
An Initiate's mana control is, charitably speaking, absolute horse shit. You'll burn through your pitiful reserves to achieve effects so pathetic they'd disappoint your own mothers—assuming they claim you after this performance. That cute little light flicker you're so proud of? You've probably wasted enough raw power to illuminate the entire Academy for hours. That barely-warm puff of air? Could've kept a beggar's family from freezing all winter.
Drill this through your skulls: efficiency comes from understanding, and you understand precisely fuck-all. Your mana channels are underdeveloped, your control is nonexistent, and your instincts are worse than blind guess work.
What happens when you inevitably try drawing more power than your pathetic, underdeveloped channels can handle? Mana poisoning that'll leave you tasting blood and regret. As the energy overwhelms your soul's grip on your body, you'll forget your own name—if you're lucky. Survive that particular stupidity, and you'll spend days feeling like you've been tenderized by stone golems with anger management issues.
These aren't theoretical dangers, you stumbling disasters. They're tuition fees for the lesson that mana demands respect and your body has limits. Channel development is work better left to Seekers who've proven they won't immediately kill themselves with cosmic forces.
⁂
Chapter 11: Spells—Your First Opportunity to Die Spectacularly
You've grasped, in your fumbling, half-assed way, that runes are more than pretty symbols. Some over-optimistic instructor has probably shown you that slapping two concepts together creates what we generously call a "spell." Fire rune plus wind rune—oh, the boundless creativity. You've managed to create a slightly more agitated, monumentally inefficient version of bellows blowing on coals. Don't expect standing ovations for your brilliance.
These spells—temporary, unstable burps of magical energy—represent your first taste of actually accomplishing something useful. Like children given sharpened sticks, you'll mostly stab yourselves in vital organs. They're wildly inefficient by design, unstable as drunken acrobats, and fade faster than your attention spans. This isn't accidental, you walking disasters. If Initiates could reliably unleash potent magic, civilization would be smoking craters populated exclusively by cockroaches and particularly resilient fungi.
You learn spell formation not through profound insight—gods forbid you possess any—but through mimicry and systematic failure. You watch another Initiate with similar concepts avoid immediate death, then attempt copying their technique. That's the extent of your scholarly methodology at this pathetic juncture.
Trial and error, with emphasis on the error part. The trials are just expensive ways of discovering new methods of failure.
⁂
Chapter 17: Understanding Concepts, Or Why Your Shallow Thinking Will Kill You
Pay attention, take notes, because this might be the only genuinely important thing you learn: a rune isn't just a pretty shape scribbled in magical textbooks. It's a concept—deep, intricate, multifaceted ideas that underpin chunks of reality itself. The Fire rune isn't "makes things hot," you simple-minded creatures. It's consumption, transformation, uncontrolled hunger, purification, passion, destruction, rebirth, and hundreds of other interconnected concepts your brains are currently too small to contain.
Your understanding is like an idiot's comprehension of swords. You might accidentally skewer something through blind luck, but you don't understand sharpness, temper, the steel's thirst for blood, or the artistry of true cutting. You're swinging sharp metal randomly and hoping physics works in your favor.
The deeper you understand a concept's essence—its nature, properties, interactions, its very fucking soul if you'll permit the poetry—the more authority you'll eventually command over its corresponding rune. Initiates interact with runes on shallow, instinctive levels like animals responding to stimuli. This is why your effects are weak, unstable, and about as predictable as weather patterns during cosmic apocalypses.
Progression in Runebinding isn't memorizing more squiggles like we pretend matters in formal curriculum. It's deepening comprehension of what those symbols represent. It's grasping the interconnectedness of concepts, how they weave together and tear each other apart. Most of you will spend your brief, disappointing careers paddling in conceptual shallows, wondering why the real power keeps eluding your grasp.
Understanding is everything. Memorization is masturbation—might feel good, accomplishes nothing useful long term.
⁂
Epilogue: Don't Die—The Custodial Staff Finds It Tedious
There you have it. Unvarnished, unpalatable truth about your current station in the cosmic hierarchy. You are magical infants wielding forces you barely perceive, much less control. Your journey ahead involves relentless study, painful mistakes, and the constant looming threat of becoming cautionary tales for the next batch of equally clueless disasters.
My advice? Pay fucking attention to everything. Question your assumptions, especially the stupid ones. Double-check your work before attempting anything that might redistribute your atoms across multiple planes of existence. And for the love of whatever deities still tolerate our species, try not to explode in common areas—the furniture budget is already stretched beyond reason, and I'm tired of explaining scorch marks to visiting dignitaries.
Remember: competence is your only shield against a universe that doesn't care if you live or die. Most of you will fail anyway, but at least fail efficiently so the rest of us can learn from your mistakes without having to clean up the mess.
Try not to disappoint me more than absolutely necessary.
-Diana Aldertree, Grand Runebinder and Archon of Sylvarus Academy
"Education through intimidation, because coddling gets people killed."
⁂
Dara closed the book with a decisive snap that echoed through the quiet stacks. She shook her head, understanding exactly why the faculty had banned it within hours of publication. Diana wasn't necessarily a terrible teacher—just one whose methods required emotional fortifications most students couldn't construct fast enough. The woman possessed legendary impatience for incompetence and the attention span of a goldfish when confronted with mediocrity.
A quick scan of the surrounding shelf revealed several other volumes bearing Diana's name, and Dara let out a long sigh. Perhaps they contained something useful for Ben's education—assuming he could survive Diana's particular brand of academic brutality.
The Tower Spirit tucked the book under her arm, already imagining the look on Diana's face when she discovered someone had been reading her banned literary masterpiece. It would either amuse her greatly or result in another spectacular argument with the curriculum board.
Knowing Diana, probably both.
Comments
Thaolin
Aha~! Good catch. This made it through edits - it's supposed to be another analogy and I was totally unprepared to re-release this xD
Thomas Laptain
Loved theis, but have to ask, from the story so far it sounds like dogs are almost entirely unknown to people in this world, yet at one point in early on (I think chapter one or two of her book?) she references dogs as of they are common knowledge. Is that intentional?
