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Kernstalion 2 - 19: Pain
🕑 Added 2021-07-11 18:23:35 +0000 UTCMy back pounded against the floor. I arched up on my heels and head while an inhuman scream tore from my throat, ripping it to shreds. I had no time to think if Fnip had tricked me or if I was a complete and utter fool for even believing him. There was barely any time to think, as it felt like all of my synapse endings were being burned and frozen simultaneously. All I could do was focus on the hand in my mind, the wavering hand that seemed so easy to make not that long ago.
Move, fingers, move, fingers, I chanted to myself, as a red haze of pain colored not just the world around me but even everything I saw in my Mindscape. Such easy gestures, fingers closed, thumb against them in a set order one time each. I'd laughed when Fnip had explained it to me, and how if done exactly right, they would force my Mindscape to expand.
Move, fingers, I cried, and I might have roared it too as my body began flopping on the ground like fish on dry land. I couldn't stop it or resist it. It just happened, and all I did was continue. Moving the fingers of the hand, that felt so sluggish now. Each moment cost more and more effort. I was supposed to count, but I'd lost count almost immediately. Ten times. Only ten. I'd done the first in a flash, but then the pain started, and the second took a second. The pain increased, and the third took two, more pain, and four, then eight. If I had my full faculties, I would have seen the pattern. It might also have caused me fear.
I barely realized when the pain stopped, and the fingers responded without slow motion. Just before the last of the movements, I managed to stop, and the hand dissipated. Without conscious thought, my mind ejected from my Mindscape, and I stared at the darkness above the library. I was shivering, and snot and tears stained my face. My throat felt like I'd drank sulfuric acid.
Fuck, fuck.
After those high-quality thoughts and a few more like it, I wondered if it was safe to fall asleep. I resisted it. First, I needed to know if this had been worth it. It had better! And I hoped it was so much I'd never, ever had to do it again.
> 31/33: Muscle mass
> 30/40: Coordination
> 30/30: Stamina
> 06/30: Learning rate
> 444/544: Knowledge
> 07/60: Well spoken
> 0/100: Karma
> Your Mindscape has grown
Yeah… Okay. And what does that tell me? I thought as I read the line. Then my eyes focused on the changes to my status, and they widened.
Only one hundred?
Tears came to my eyes, and my gaze drifted to where the tome of the Librarian lay on the table. I got the distinct feeling to just tear it to bits. I'd rather stay here for a year than go through that again. My anger surged, and destructive thoughts grew. I let them rage for a bit before finally reeling them in.
I wanted to get up, but at the same time, stay where I was. My body would probably scream in agony if I moved.
I wonder why Rathica didn't come to help me.
The thought came sudden and unbidden and with its agitation. Why had she not come? Groaning, I pushed myself up and almost collapsed in a heap. It took me a minute to crawl and stumble to the table with the Librarian's tome. I put my hand on it and didn't wait for what Fnip might tell me.
"One hundred? That's all?" I practically shouted.
It was quiet for a moment, and then Par let out a shocked laugh.
"You got one hundred on the first go?" Fnip muttered in disbelief.
Listening to them both, I wasn't sure if I should feel better or worse now. Had they expected it to be less?
"How much did you think it would increase," I asked, growling low.
"Eh, yeah… well. Perhaps fifty?" Fnip said, but I could hear the lie this time.
"Fnip!?" I said with a snarl.
"Ten," he whispered.
I sat down on the ground, my fingers no longer on the book. They had let me go through that, I had done all that, and they had expected me to get ten? How was that any better?
I struggled back up and put my hand back on the tome.
"Est, don't be upset," Fnip said immediately, quickly continuing. "Normally, mortals gain ten on the first time and only a hundred on the second. It continues up like that."
I shook my head. "You seriously expect me to do this again?"
"Well, not this," Fnip muttered.
"The next time is worse," Par said, roaring with laughter. I felt my skin crawl, but not half as bad as before. Had he finally let up a bit?
"Let up?" Par almost choked as he laughed even louder. It took a while for him to calm down, and when he did, he snarled.
"That stupid Deity of yours did a good job," he said. "You really are clueless, aren't you?"
I shook my head. I was just going to put this stupid tome with the eyebooks and leave it to rot.
"Wait, hold on a minute. Don't do that!" Par said, his voice rising to whole octaves.
"What? What does he want to do?" Fnip asked, sounding afraid.
I couldn't blame him. It was the first time I'd seen Par react in any way other than anger and dismissal. He actually sounded slightly afraid.
"I am not afraid," Par said, and this time the fear I'd felt before came back. My throat went dry, and it took me a moment to get a grip on myself. I moved towards the wooden control pillar, determined to put the tome with the eyebooks. As soon as I did, the fear dissipated.
"Wait, don't!" Par said. "There is no need for such extreme measures."
I continued my way, determined that unless he had more to add, just a plea wasn't going to be enough. Fnip was rambling something about having done what I wanted, but I didn't listen.
"I'll explain what I meant," Par said. "Yes. I'll explain whatever you want. Just don't put me with those fools!"
I was surprised at the quick change in Par's behavior, and even Fnip went into an almost shocked silence.
I stopped at the wooden pillar and put my hand on the symbol that would bring up the eye section, then paused.
"Let's see if you can keep your promise, and I'll think about it," I said. If Par could be useful, I might just put him with a section of stuffy old tomes.
"Yes, yes. Stuffy tomes are fine-"
"STOP READING MY MIND!" I roared, finally unable to hold my temper. I slammed onto the symbol, and the bookcase began sliding down rapidly.
"If you could stop broadcasting all your bloody thoughts into the ether! It's almost impossible to ignore," Par shouted back.
Wait, what? I had been broadcasting my-
"Every bloody thought in all directions," Par snapped.
It took me a few moments to calm down, and by that time, the bookcase had slid to a stop. The largest part of the section was filled with black books, all with a single round bulbous eye on the cover, all directed towards me.
"How do I not do that," I said as I turned the dial until the eye section was just out of sight. Par wasn't the only one who disliked those things.
"You don't know anything," Par said with a groan. "If I explain this.... Just talking about this is enough to get all of the wrong kinds of attention."
Fnip had been quiet for a while but finally spoke again. "Well… technically, that's impossible," he said. "As long as you are inside the Librarian's Tome, only the Prime Deity could check on you. And he-"
"Shut up!" Par snapped with such rage and fear directed at Fnip that the other fell silent.
"Are you crazy? Do you want us to be sent into the heart of a primal chaos flare?"
"Sorry," Fnip said, muted and silent.
I had calmed down while listening to them and sat down with my back against the control panel. I was still barely able to remain standing, and with every passing moment, I was growing more tired.
"So, you can't tell me everything," I said. "Does this count for all Deities?"
"Well-" Fnip began.
"Quiet! Enough of you- let me do the talking before none of this matters anymore," Par said.
When Fnip didn't continue, he sighed, and the anger and fear from his aura dissipated.
"I'll try and answer what I can, but yes. It counts for all Deities, and even answering this is skirting the edges."
I nodded, getting the feeling I might finally get at least some answers. "I'll ask questions, if you can, answer them, otherwise just keep quiet. If I find you've been lying," I pointed my hand to the control panel.
"Don't threaten me too much, mortal. Or I might decide oblivion is better than doing your bidding," Par said, followed by a snarl.
I wonder, I thought, but I kept my thoughts to myself, and this time Par didn't comment. Probably for both our sakes.
"Tell me how I can find out how to stop broadcasting my thoughts," I said.
Par was quiet for a bit, then he snorted. "Smart wording. Fnip, is there a book on the subject?"
There was no response, and after a moment, Par growled. "Fnip, answer."
"Why? I thought you said I-"
"One more word out of you, and I'll put you with the eyebooks," I snapped. I'd thought Par was bad, but the longer I was around them both, the more I realized at least Par could be talked to.
"Took you long enough to figure that out," Par said.
Fnip sighed sadly. "There is a book, but it won't teach you what you have to do. It just explains what the mortal knew on the subject, which isn't that much."
"Will it allow him to learn it on his own?" Par asked, which was more or less what I had thought.
"His learning rate isn't high enough for that," Fnip said with a shrug.
"Where is the book," I said, deciding I'd read it anyway. I had some knowledge again.
"Look at the control panel," Fnip said.
I did as he asked, and a few symbols were highlighted in quick succession. As I pressed them, I realized something new. If you pressed the symbols quickly, they combined. That meant I'd not even scratched the surface of how many books this thing had…
"This universe has been around a while, and many mortals got… beyond that point," Par said.
Wait, mortals that turned into something else? Deities?
"Hah, you wish! Becoming a deity… you mortals always have such high hopes of yourselves. No, not that."
I frowned. "You make it sound like it's not possible, but an Aucerian told me it is."
It was deadly quiet for a while, then Par sniffed. He didn't say anything more, and I realized this must be one of the things he couldn't answer.
"Right. So if not a deity, then what?" I asked, curious now.
There are an infinite amount of entities in the Deityverse," Fnip said, and at that moment, Par sucked in a breath while Fnip fell quiet. "Oops."
A dangerous quiet came from them, and they didn't say a word as if waiting for some horrible thing to happen.
I frowned, wondering what the problem was. I'd heard of the Deityverse before. The Guidar had mentioned, or some Deity, I couldn't recall. Nothing happened, and after a while, I looked at the bookcase that had stopped moving down. A chaotic bunch of leather-bound tomes covered the walls. They had different sizes and colors but had one thing in common. All of them had an odd symbol on the spine that reminded me of an octopus. One of them, within reach, had a dim white glow.
Groaning with effort, I made my way to the book and removed it from between the other two. It was wedged in tight, and a little layer of dust lay on top. It was the first I'd seen in the library, which was spotless beyond the things I and the others had broken.
Back at a table, I sat down and flipped the book open. The words began twirling around, and after a moment, I realized I could read them as if they were English.
The last Diary of Glemnish Garringly the Oblasser - as of the 2931e year of the current era.
The word last seemed added at a later date and by another author, judging from the handwriting. I read the rest, and slowly forgot my previous intentions of only skimming and was drawn into the odd story.
I hope I find you well, dear readers. It has been a few thousand years since last I spoke with you. When we parted, I told you I'd be exploring the ancient burial realm of a long-dead Deity. Well, I did, and with great success and great effort. For the last few thousand years, I was locked in a time dilation effect intended to grind everyone down who was bold enough to enter. As you all know, this has little effect on me, besides almost boring me to death.
Luckily it was worth the effort. This was the realm of one of the first Deitie's to have ever been drawn into this universe, or at least that's what I could find. Due to this, the rules that limited what others were allowed to speak of were not yet set in stone, and I found some old tomes from an odd race of bipedal beings that seemed related to the Despotins. And before you ask. No. I sadly found no more information about these titanic beings. These other ones, however, did know more of what is beyond this universe!
Yes! I have found proof of my hypothesis. In the hard-to-digest tomes, references were made to other universes outside of our own, with different laws and rules. I also found one obscure reference speaking of a deity above all deities that was apparently still just a nobody compared to those outside of the universe. How any deity can be above the others is beyond me, and I guess I'll never find out. I will here lay down all of the things I managed to unearth from the tomes for those that come after!
May I speak to you again in a few thousand years, after I have learned more!
There was a new line beyond this one, added in the same handwriting as the word last.
Shortly after his work was brought to us, Glemnish entered another ancient Realm. Three hundred years after this, his soul marker crumbled, indicating this great seeker of truth was lost to us. Thus, all the knowledge in this book is the last of its kind, as no one of our order is able to survive the ancient realms. We, the Darsli Seekers of knowledge, are now down to only three members.
I whistled as I flipped through the next pages, trying to make sure I didn't lose too much knowledge on meaningless drivel. There were dozens of notes on subjects that seemed completely out of my league. Symbols and runes that seemed to belong to another form of magic and information on species made me hope I'd never run across them.
The last two pages were again covered by the initial author's fine script in a message.
Mindscape, that thing that seems harder to fathom than most of the Primal Chaos beings' abilities. I can use mine, although barely, and my growth stopped a few thousand years ago. Even then, I am further along than any 'mortal' I know, but I had to figure it all out myself. No amount of bribes or threats ever got a Deity to explain how it is down. And now, wedged between all this knowledge, I found a little nugget that explains at least in part why this is.
It appears that the being we've spoken of before, the Prime Deity, set rules and guidelines after he created this universe. We've found most of the guidelines now, but the rules are harder. Now we have located one.
The text in question referenced another deity that disappeared from existence, on which the initial deity remarked. 'I told him not to teach that to his followers. He knew what would happen if he didn't follow the rules.' This, in combination with the subject of the piece, adds to this. No Primal Chaos being in this universe is allowed to directly teach mortals how to grow their Mindscapes, or even use them properly, for that matter.
I had theorized as much as did many of you, but this all but proves it. It also shows that we are even further from solving our dilemma: to live freely after our physical shells perish. We need a realm for our souls to go to, but the only compatible realms we know of are those of deities. However, as we all know, there is no freedom in that. The only way for us to overcome this is to create our own realms, and for that, we need to learn to grow our mindscapes until they become true physical things.
But fear now. I shall continue searching until I find an answer,
Glemnish Garringly the Oblasser, eternal searcher of freedom
I looked at the page again, then riffled through the book, looking for information on how to stop broadcasting my thoughts. The information on mindscapes was interesting, but not what I was after right now. After I'd gone through it twice, I closed it and frowned. There was nothing about thoughts, but there was something else that I didn't find that struck me as odd. There was not a single reference to the system or the Guidar in it.
"Because this book predates the coming of the Guidar," Par said. "Before you ask, I can't tell you if what you just read is the truth. However… the answer to your question is in what you read."
"I figured as much," I said. Then I looked at a nearby table. On it lay an open book, small, thin, and with content that directly seemed to contradict the book I'd just read. In it were mental hand gestures and other things that would allow someone to increase the size of their Mindscape.
"Fnip. How old is this book," I asked as I padded the one before me.
"Six hundred million, four hundred and seventy-one thousand three hundred and twelve Kernstalion years old," Fnip said, sounding as if it was the most normal number in the world.
"And that one?" I asked, pointing at the book with Mindscape after I'd tried to wrap my head around the timescale.
"Eighty-one million, a hundred and twenty for thousand and three Kernstalion years."
So someone did find a way after all, but it's not general knowledge.
I had an idea how my Mindscape was connected to broadcasting my thoughts, but it would be hard to find out if I was right if nobody was allowed to answer.
Unless…
A thought crossed my mind, and I waited, but there was no response from Par. He should know what I was thinking. That either meant I was correct, or it didn't matter.
"Fnip, if I continue using that mental trick, will I quickly stop broadcasting my thoughts?"
"Yes, but... O no, I don't think I was allowed to tell you that," Fnip said, and he fell quiet again.
I didn't respond, waiting if something would happen. Nothing did, and I was starting to wonder if that Prime Deity was even still around. Perhaps nobody was enforcing his rules?
"Careful," Par said.
"Yes, yes. Sorry."
Fnip sounded sad, but I was pretty sure Par's words hadn't been meant for him.
Turning to the small book, the pain I'd felt so recently made me shiver. Was I seriously going to do that again? Just to stop these Deities from reading my thoughts?
Probably, I thought as I put my head on the table. But first I need some sleep.
