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Oblivion
🕑 Added 2020-11-20 13:43:00 +0000 UTCArt by Haps for the upcoming build.
(Due to a sudden change in scheduling at work, my day off is coming a day later than I expected, though the next build of Khemia will still be released over the weekend. In the meantime, Scipio has some thoughts)
This is an odd feeling, writing to no one, for no reason. Now that I'm unable to communicate with Mother, I have no one else to write to. Instead, Neferu suggested that I keep a journal, to record anything of interest. More specifically, anything that is of interest to me. Of course, I have a more official way of keeping records on this mission, through my tablet, but Amicus will be reading those. These will be private, and Neferu says catharsis can be achieved through writing, which is a very Khemian thing to say. I'm still unused to to the idea of letting my writing flow freely, without the rigor that has always guided my studies. Even I fail to grasp the abstractness of some Khemian stories, and poetry, but I can try.
Lately I have been having terrible nightmares. Ones in which I cannot move and a dark creature creeps about the cabin. Then, it crawls upon me and tells me what is waiting for me on Khemia. They are only dreams, I know. They are not real. But the thoughts manifesting these dreams are very real, thoughts I've had ever since the riots.
Like Neferu, I am afraid to die, which means that I am afraid of the Amalgamation. I don't want to dissolve, and merge with others. I am Scipio. No one else is. I try to comfort myself with the idea that we are already an amalgamation, that my body is only a vessel that provides an illusion of individuality. It doesn't seem to help.
Last night I had a particularly unusual nightmare in which I was in a forest, at dusk, and next to me was a bottomless pool of dark water. The creature appeared in the branches above with a terrible screech and it then pulled me into the water, and then I was drowning forever, in nothing. While oblivion is an unnerving idea, the consciousness of being in oblivion is far more terrifying. I know this concept is the opposite of what oblivion actually means, but it's the only way I can describe the feeling; being aware of there being nothing.
I should have faith in the parents, and I do, but I also know that Omorfa is a civilization of rational, logical thinkers, and they wouldn't try to destabilize the plans of the parents without good reason. The founders of our own civilization, Drusus, and Meera both struggled with the idea. Even Amicus has a very complicated relationship with the parents. I believe he is in pain as well, the type that Neferu talked about. I doubt Amicus will trust anything until his human returns.
Look at how my thoughts meander. And still I don't understand what it is that is bothering me most. Maybe it's simply that I have changed. I never felt this way three years ago, before the riots. Just like Neferu, I am now afraid, and unsure of everything. I feel as if my body is not my own, that my mind will spiral in directions I do not wish to go. Sometimes it is difficult to remember how I felt before that day. It is as if an impenetrable, unscalable wall of stone separates my life between then and now.
I want control. That's it, but between the parents and my own failing mind, I am hyper-aware of myself in this ship, covering distances as fast as is possible for a sibling, and as more time passes, and as I continue to dream, the more I feel that I'm moving toward something that will result in what I fear most. Even now, I feel as if the dark waters are creeping up my neck, and sometimes I find myself gasping for air, for no good reason. It's as if I'm already drowning. Sometimes I have to leave conversations unfinished when these moments come, and it's becoming more difficult to pretend as if all is well. It's humiliating.
If I am being honest with myself, like Neferu insisted that I should be, I would rather enter true oblivion, rather than aware-oblivion. I am very tired in a way that is difficult to describe. Sometimes, like now, I wish to simply crumble to dust, blissfully nonexistent as I scatter to the wind.
That seems easier.
Comments
Luis Javier Cuervo
Same case here, I finished Adastra 5 days ago, I've been in an overwhelming existential dread and yet, somehow I feel good of being able to be conscious to the point of questioning my own agency on things in my daily life, like you said, it did good in the end. Howly is you end up reading this comment among the many, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Cryptid
I'm shocked to see Scipio is so unsure of himself. I guess thats what comes with being part of a society that doesn't even have a word for "trauma." I feel bad, I hope Neferu can help him understand he is not being week but is rather living in a society that has emotionally failed him
Caio Rodrigues
it's amazing how Scipio described exactly how I feel today, 1 day after finishing Adastra, the existential dread is triggering my anxiety. But somehow reading it did me good, ty <3
Argos82
That's an interesting suggestion; originally, I took Scipio's fear of losing himself as a focus on the physiological -- like, he was afraid of the physical process of merging with the amalgamation, and of the neurological cascades being set off by his PTSD. But I didn't consider him creating a symbolic "anchor" / external reminder as something to simply reduce his anxiety, parallel to prayer beads / worry dolls / etc. that ppl IRL use. Or did I misinterpret your allusion?
Argos82
What aspects get your attention specifically? I thought the author did a great job of laying out several subtleties: There's his concern about eventually losing his sense of self with the amalgamation; but also his fear of losing connection with / control of himself in the "here and now" from his PTSD. It comes across as a truly private journal in that respect, in that he reveals things he's afraid to admit even to himself.
Javi Lu
i cant believe i relate to Scipio's existential (or oblivion) dread so much
BlueHSomething
big oof
MegaKazuki
Did something happen? Is there gonna be another delay?
Christian Szeman
I couldn't wait to see what's in part 2
Argos82
Hey, nicely put together. Based on the revelation that Scipio is so driven by pain aversion, it's easy to see how this might continue to complicate his mission. His trigger sensitivity is apparently creeping into more aspects of his life, either from his own hyper-fixation on the subject, the natural flow of tangentially-related conversations, or perhaps influence from The Other. From a literary perspective, it's a great stage to examine this sensitive subject matter. Makes me wonder how they're going to give him an opportunity to try and address / experience his triggers in a "safe space" where he can try and disassociate the trigger from the negative emotional reaction.
Padvaxtag
Can't wait to see where this goes.
CPN EZ
This is really interesting.
Dannycario
It sounds like Scipio needs something to ground them more in the present, something to live presently and avoid thinking spirals. Something to contrast the nightmares with, a real external reminder, not just a personal self-affirmation.
JohnWolfen
In my opinion, Scipio is way better than Marco (the human) and more relatable.
Jake
Damn. Now that's a feeling a lot of us can relate to :/
ClemTheDragon
I'm so hyped :3
DookFiend
Aghhhhhhh! You have no idea how excited I am for this update! Take care, Howly!
