futobara
patreon
An Explanation, An Apology, The Future... Hiatus.
🕑 Added 2019-11-24 15:09:03 +0000 UTCHello everybody. I mentioned a few weeks back that my health had been interfering with my ability to work, but I didn't give much away. I've decided to be open with my patrons about what is going on and what it means for the future.
I have struggled with my mental health for a long time. Doctors, at various points in my life, have blamed anxiety and depression and prescribed medication and therapy, but it never seemed to really work and the problems never really seemed to go away.
Last year I ended up homeless and after an unsuccessful attempt to get myself back into accommodation, ended up homeless a second time. I decided to travel about, work on an iPad in cafes or libraries and for a while I think I was the happiest I have ever been. However, a couple of months ago I once again found myself in accommodation. This time it all happened rather quickly during a manic episode (when I am particularly impressionable) and was overseen by people whose job it is to get people like me 'off the street' and into accommodation. At the time I was excited but the episode came to an end and I quickly nosedived into a deep depression.
What happened next I'll spare you the details, but a friend of mine intervened and called the emergency services. They were not wrong to do so, and since then I have been in and out of meetings with response teams, nurses and most recently a psychiatric consultant. It turns out that I've had much more complex problems my whole life that had gone undetected, and the depression and anxiety I had been experiencing all these years was a symptom of those problems, rather than the problem itself. That is why medication and therapy hadn't worked. I had been treated as a neuro-typical patient when it turns out I am not.
I am starting the potential minefield next week of finding suitable medication for someone of my particular needs, and will begin a long wait to get further help for those needs at their root. What I have is incurable but I have been told I can learn to live with it.
I'm sorry for the mysterious-yet-overshary post, but I felt it was important to tell you as much as possible because I have come to a decision. I will be putting my patreon on hiatus until I am well enough to produce work to a standard and quantity that justifies your patronage. At the moment I do not feel this is something I am able to do.
I'm stuck renting a room so once I have had a few days to rest and recuperate, I will be opening for commissions again, as they will allow me to be more flexible about how and when I work, and how much I take on.
I am taking a gamble here. I don't honestly know what the best thing is to do. But in my current situation, the pressure of having to be constantly producing and publishing content is not conducive to a healthy recovery, and the situation is about to become much more turbulent as I try and find medication that works for me.
I can only apologise for the somewhat anticlimactic and depressing end to this chapter in my work as futobara.
Now it is time for me to focus on getting well, finding out things about myself and learning to cope with those things. In the short term I will probably return to deviant art and twitter. Once I'm well I may re-open my patreon in a limited capacity and build back up, rather than jumping in at the deep end, but for now, pretty much under doctors orders, I need to take a breather and focus on sorting out my head.
Thank you everyone for your support. This is definitely not the last you've seen of me, but I hope its the last you'll see of me unwell and unable to cope with life.
Cheers!
Futo
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Comments
You genuinely do not need to apologize on behalf of the challenges you're having a person who is neurodiverse and struggling with bipolar disorder. I wish you the best in getting things under control. You are doing what is best for your well-being and your survival, and I think that needs to be commended above all else. I still have wanted to commission you for quite some time, and you can bet that when you open up, I will be barking at your tree.
otttovan
You taking care of yourself is far more important than your output. If the patreon is helping you, I see no problem with continuing to subscribe if you post your commission pieces here. Getting started on getting help is the most important step. It's not an easy road, but I have faith that you'll keep walking it.
Futo, your well-being is what counts. The rest is a plus. You’re a so talented artist and of course I would love to see more works from you... I may say... every second, since I love them so much! But as I said, your well being is what counts the most. As a fan of you - and I would say even as a kinda of friend - I wish you the best! You’re never alone, don’t forget it. Greeting from Italy! We love you even from here! ❤️
Johnny Gayzmonic
Your mental health and general well-being is far, far more important than anything else. Please take as much time as you need...we'll still be here. I deal with mental illness myself, and I know how hard it can get. Please take the time and care you need for you.
EricTheBrown
Futo, first of all, I'm glad you are still with us and you are in the process of getting help after getting a more thorough diagnosis. I have also been having trouble recently, and it's been the people around me that have kept me alive. I'm sorry that you're experiencing that kind of pain and depression and just know that there are lots of people who are on your side and want to see you be happy and healthy. I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to share what you have. I know it isn't easy. Please, take whatever time and steps you need to look after yourself and improve how you're feeling. Don't be afraid to reach out to someone if you're struggling. We love you, Futo.
