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The Weird Funeral Details
🕑 Added 2024-07-17 01:59:28 +0000 UTCI want to preface this by saying I am not a raging atheist. I’m agnostic and very normal about it. If someone has religious beliefs I don’t look down on them so long as it doesn’t consume their life and personality and the way they treat others.
Just want that out of the way so that when I go on about this weird fucking pastor you know it isn’t coming from an enlightened redditor fedoralord perspective.
Please be respectful of that and don’t shit on religion as a whole in my comments here. Keep it focused on the weird dude.
Below is a copy paste of the whole thing I sent to a few friends with a few expanded sections, it’s… quite the story.
***
So like my family is Catholic, I expected there to be some religious weirdness. Apparently the pastor was a family friend who my grandparents had let stay in their home during a pilgrimage or w/e. He’s young looking, I’d guess he was 35-40. Really huge youth pastor vibes.
I could’ve put up with him if he was tasteful. Kept it to simple religious shit.
He was not tasteful. He did not keep it simple.
On top of having an extremely weird manner of speech where he enunciated random words, he brought up weird fucking tangents like asking my grandma how surprised she was back in the day to find out her womb had another child or some shit, idr actual phrasing but their was a weird amount of womb talk that amounted to ‘were you surprised to have a baby inside your fertile womb after your husband nutted inside you’? Like at least two minutes spent on this weird tangent with my grandma.
He barely talked about my aunt. Like. At all. And the tone of the entire thing was proselytizing, not somber or comforting. It felt like he was trying to give a sermon and not a funeral speech. He was stupidly upbeat and happy the entire speech and like it was legitimate 95% God 5% my aunt and even the funeral director looked visibly annoyed at this guy after he went off on a completely unprompted rant about original sin and how none of us are perfect.
(I said I’m not a raging atheist but I am vehemently against the concept of original sin, so this was the only real redditor anger I had the entire time and I’ll own up to it)
I don’t remember exact phrasing but he did sneak in a comment about the faithless and how they won’t enjoy heaven or whatever the fuck, too.
I was also extremely annoyed that he said my aunt lived a more full life in 45 years than most people got to and I know you say shit like that to make the family happy but no. She was bedridden for like 7 years, in and out of hospital, had all her toes taken off, a few fingers I think, and so on. She did not have a full and happy life and almost nothing was said about how strong she was for that. I guess that part might just come down to me. I understand the need to say comforting shit like that but I wished it would’ve respected her struggles more.
Another funny thing is I think he was 100% adlibbing the entire thing as he went along. He tried to teach everyone the ‘ABCs’ of grief but completely dropped the subject before getting to C…
Also the entire time another one of my aunts had a fucken 3 year old messing around on an iPad and it was just unintentional comedic gold. Like the immediate family had all just been taken to a room for a private prayer or something and there’s just a brainless iPad kid playing some loud app and I’m supposed to not laugh at this somehow.
And when we went to the cemetery it became 100% god as he exclusively referred to my aunt as ‘this body’ and ‘it’ about how it’ll be reanimated upon judgment day etc. He didn’t use her name a single time during that part of the ceremony or talk about her at all.
And of course the brainless iPad kid went and sat on top of someone’s headstone during this and no one stopped him.
It’s really hard to overstate how weird this dude was, it felt like an extended Tim and Eric sketch irl but apparently my grandparents fucking love this guy while me and my sister had to literally pretend we were crying to cover up how hard we were laughing at this fucking alien trying to approximate human speech.
There was just so much weird shit I can’t even remember it all. Angela and my sister say he kept pronouncing the word ‘reality’ as ‘REAL-UH-TAYYY’ like Eric Cartman saying ‘authority” and I guess I was so zoned out that that one didn’t even register.
It ruined any fucking closure I was remotely supposed to get from this and now I get to look back at my favorite aunt’s funeral as a fucking freakshow rather than the remembrance it should’ve been for the rest of my fucking life lol
Comments
Marksm4n89
People like this reinforce my belief that aliens are already living among us, fr. This and gen z humor. Sorry the funeral was ruined brother.
Andrew Kinzler
First off my condolences and I'm sorry this happened. I was raised Catholic and while I still identify as one I don't go to church often. It sounds like this priest is full of himself. I've seen a few and I hate them, they detract from the point of going. I believe that at a funeral where it is a melting pot of religious beliefs that you follow the ceremony, but keep your message universal and let the grieving family guide it. I'm sorry again that he stole away a chance for you to get some closure.
Scipio
Kind of similar for me, my family is catholic, been to few funerals and this guy sounds pretty unique. Sorry he ruined it.
Mizako
Christ...just... wow
mark harrell
Pastor popped the perc 30's then decided to go stag to a funeral and just walked up to the podium. 💀This pastor is the probably the same guy that wrote that classic yoshi greentext (...haha, I wonder what yoshi's eggs smell like haha do you guys think they smell funny just curious haha) Definitely some weird stuff goin on there with the pastor and your aunt/grandma. Very sorry this happened to you and your family. As funny as it is to someone unrelated. Still fuckin sucks to have to go through
Darshar Griffonmane
Oh man, that sounds rough. Been to a lot of funerals sadly and they have run the full spectrum. Sorry to see that this priest apparently decided to skip the point of the funeral for a somewhat...off kilter agenda and/or sermon. I don't know if you ever read Speaker for the Dead (Orson Scott Card, guy who wrote Ender's Game) but the "priests" in that spoke of the deceased in a very truthful way. I think that was what ya wanted from this, an honest funeral celebrating all that your aunt was. Sorry you did not get that. Though, I sympathize with your loss though from what you've said it was also an end to her pain. Very impressed you didn't spark off and/or hit the priest (I sure as heck would have been tempted to)!
PunishedKom
It was a lot of many things and I wish I was making it up lol. And yeah imagine sitting there living through it…
Tavis
Wow... That is a lot of creepy. P. S. Stared at my screen trying to process this and how to respond for about 8 min... Still struggling...
