Lil Dee
patreon
Feeling my Feelings?
🕑 Added 2025-05-23 14:00:14 +0000 UTCfor a long time my therapist would try to insinuate that I do not allow myself to feel, rather I rationalize my way out of feeling with logic; instead of just allowing the emotion to take over me, to take over the moment, and then allow that momentary feeling to pass. Like most things I find difficult, I tend to avoid them, that being my attachment style (anxious avoidant)...But struggling with insomnia for the last few weeks has shown me just how avoidant I am of my feelings
Instead of just allowing myself to feel frustrated that I cannot seem to stay asleep, I just would play music in my head or play word games in my mind, or try to set a positive reframing tone around sleep. I would rather question the situation to find a logical explanation rather than just feel how illogical life can be, and how little control we have over certain circumstances
So, I am attempting to feel my feelings more, to state them in a hope that I will learn to better feel them when they come; rather than suppress them and prolong my suffering. It is funny to consider that some people do not innately feel, that they have programmed themselves to shut off feeling feelings in order to survive through logic.
I have become this way and am hoping to undo this while maintaining logic and emotional responsibility. I hope to find balance more than anything. As a lover of subjective reality, I often do not extend it to myself. I force myself to be better, to be above things, like feeling and reacting to emotion, but this no longer serves me. It represses me.
As I am writing this I feel self doubt and worry. Whenever I post, whatever I post, I often feel this way. The measure between wanting to express myself but not knowing where the boundary line exists seems hard for me to find. When I tap into logic or critical thought, it's not that I want approval or validation, I just want to expression my humanity and want it to be met with humanity. But humanity takes on many forms, and they are not always kind. So my fears and worries stem from a place of wanting to protect myself from others. However, you cannot exist in a constant state of protection; in order to connect you have to be willing to risk embarrassment, rejection, and countless other human experiences we have all at one time or another been met with, lived through.
I want to try to write from a personal place from time to time, rather than an artistic place that tries to intelligent and perfect. I am ok with being neither of those things, I simply want to be.
And I am hoping by trying different means of achieving a level of confrontation (peaceably with myself) will challenge me to be less avoidant with myself and others, and ultimately get more in touch with feeling.
Comments
Mark Anthony
🫂
El Jefe
I would give you biggest hug if I could
