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The Final Bwa-Ha-Ha 2
🕑 Added 2025-10-02 23:00:04 +0000 UTCNothing happened, though Mary stood expectantly, her head back and her chest thrust out, waiting to receive the lightning bolt.
Blaze laughed drolly. âThe Rock of Eternity is the center of all existence,â she chirped. âBut whoâs to say Hell exists? And Beatriz, my flame probably wouldnât burn you anymore than yours would me, but you wouldnât last long impaled on my horns.â
âWhat about us?â Booster demanded, his fists upheld.
âUh, what about us?â Ted whispered.
âIâm not with them,â Ralph said.
Blaze waved a hand dismissively. âI wasnât going to bother, but since you ask, you could spend a small eternity protected by Michaelâs forcefield, seeing how long it can hold out before youâre consumed by our flames. Seems like torment enough to me.â
âThe fiend!â Ralph cried. âMaking us count the seconds until we meet our demise!â
âI meant all of you being forced to keep each other company, butââ She turned her glowing eyes on Ralph. âYouâre the one who stretches, arenât you? I mean, all of you humans stretch, once we get you on the rack, but you can stretch everything. Grow everything. Elongate everything. The Elongated Man.â
Ralph mewled, âAt least she didnât mistake me for Plastic Man.â
âYou leave him alone!â Mary shouted, not showing any sign of being deterred by the failure of her powers. âYou canât do anything to us! Weâre not supposed to be here!â
Blaze checked her nails. âDo you know how many of you people are supposed to be here but arenât? Thereâs a clown weâve been expecting for a good ten years, but he never shows up.â
âThat happened to me with an eBay buy once,â Ted said.
âThereâs supposed to be a Day of Judgment at the end of time, but until then, you can see how an awful lot of things wonât be judged. So, since youâre here, I think weâll be putting you to work. Iâm sure I donât have to tell you how busy things get down here. Which is really a problem on your end, when you think about it. Sometimes I wish you guys would all start going to church and loving your neighborâgay shit like thatâjust so the rush would die down!â
âYou canât force us to work for you,â Bea cried. âThatâs slave labor!â
âWhy, thank you for noticing! Itâs so hard to pull off down here, since everyone we get is, you know, being paid the wages of sinâŚâ A quick swish of her fingers and a scroll appeared in a gout of flame. Blaze studied it. âBeatriz, youâre actually here early. Youâve already been earmarked for one of our lesser vassals. Baal-Satyr.â
âFigures,â Bea sighed. âLet me guess: heâs going to eat me. Starting with my great big butt.â She glared at Ted and Booster.
âWhatâd we say?â
âWhat havenât you said? La mierda that comes out of your mouthsâŚâ
âWhat Baal-Satyr does with you is his business,â Blaze airily continued. âMichael, Ted, youâll be filming porn.â
âWaitââ âWhat?â the two said.
âI know, right? Itâs so obvious that it almost feels like a twist. But no, weâre actually responsible for that.â She turned her gaze to Ralph.
âAnd what have you got me penciled in for? Horror movies? Rock and roll?â
âA man who can stretch his body to any length? Youâre coming with me.â
âAlright, Ralph!â Booster cheered.
âWait, thatâs an option?â Ted asked. âNow I feel a little left out.â
âMaybe if you stretched something other than your waistlineââ
âShe didnât pick you either!â
Ralph coughed loudly to interrupt them. âExcuse me, uh, Lady Ms. Blaze? Iâm married. I really canât have sex.â
Ted held up a finger, then lowered it. âNah. Too easy.â
And Booster jerked upright as though coming to attention. âOh. Right. Iâm married too. No sex for me.â
âAre you sure? Itâs been half an hour; she might have died of old age.â
âPolly is a vital woman who regularly exercises!â
âNeeds to get in shape to chase you around the bedroom, does she?â
Blaze held up a hand. âWe donât care much for the institution of marriage around here. In fact, we do all we can to devalue it. Why do you think we make so many actors get married?â
âThatâs you?â Bea asked.
âUh-huh. Like I said, always the one you most suspect.â
âIâm telling you, I wonât do it!â Ralph insisted.
âYouâll do it orââ Blazeâs forefinger described a circle in the air and now Mary was surrounded by a ring of blue-hot flames.
âMary!â Bea cried, jerking back before she could be burned, wincing at the sight of Mary reaching for her and then having to pull her singed hands back.
âLook at that,â Blaze chuckled. âNo matter how many people have said it, Beatriz, I guess you really arenât hotter than Hell.â
That didnât dissuade Bea from wheeling on Blaze, the green fire that was her body pushing back the red of Hell like an oasis had suddenly sprung up.
âYou hurt her and Iâll kill you, puta!â
âOh, and where would I go?â Blaze counted off the fingers of one hand with the forefinger of the other. âThereâs no escape, no fighting, and no talking your way out of this. Iâll be nice and give the little one an easy job, but the price to be paid is her eldersâ cooperation.â
The four adults looked at each other dismally.
Ralphâs nose twitched.
âWait a minute!â he cried. âIf youâre so all-powerful here, why do you want to make a deal with us?â
Blaze shrugged. âIâm a devil. Itâs what I do.â
âI think youâre bluffing. You donât have any power of us because weâre not supposed to be here. And if we just believe and have confidence, we can bust right out of this place! Câmon, everybody! Letâs get the Hell out of Hell!â
Five minutes later, they were all in chains, considerably more bedraggled than they had been upon their arrival in Hell.
âThat was your plan? Run for it? Fight our way out?â Booster demanded.
âSometimes a simple plan is the best,â Ralph reasoned.
âThat wasnât simple! That was retarded! Where were we even running to?â
âWell, you hear about the Gates of Hell all the time, so I figuredââ
âYou hear? You hear? You hear about cold days in Hell too, all the time, do you think that means we should be on the lookout for mittens and scarves!?â
âDonât yell at him,â Ted said. âAt least he didnât think we got Tronned.â
A demon came by, little more than five feet of bones wrapped in leathery skin, and took the end of Beaâs chain from the post itâd been locked to.
âOh, thank God,â Bea said as she was led away. âOr whoever.â
Ralph hung his head and moaned. âI canât believe Iâm going to be unfaithful to my wife!â
Booster perked up. âOh, right, I canât believe Iâm going to be unfaithful to my wife either.â
âGive it a rest, Gold,â Ted said.
âI think we have definitive proof that thereâs no rest for the wicked.â
Another living skeleton came by to collect Ted and Booster by their leashes.
âWell, filming porn, how bad can that be?â Ted equivocated.
âItâll be, you know, normal porn, right? Straight porn?â
âI donât see how it can be lesbian porn.â
âBut there will be womenââ
âMan, if we ended up in Hell, I have to imagine plenty of women did too. And I donât think Hell is all that into, ah, gayness. I donât know which religion got it right, but it canât have been the Republicans.â
âDonât know? Weâre in Hell! That makes it pretty clear.â
âYes, but this might be Jewish Hell, Muslim Hell⌠you think thereâs a Mormon Hell?â
âA place where everyone whoâs not a Mormon goes? I think itâd be nicer than this.â
âThe irony is, anyone who lives in Utah would be used to this temperatureâŚâ
Ralph and Mary were all that was left.
Mary spoke first: âI donât want you to do anything to betray your wedding vows, Mr. Dibny. Your marriage is a sacred covenant between you and Mrs. Dibny and God. Donât throw that away because of me.â
âMary, youâre just a kid. I canât let you suffer because of me.â
âI can take it. We just canât let these⌠these servants of evil despoil your love!â
âSue would want me to protect you, no matter what it takes. You have to stay safe.â Ralph straightened; his thumb stroked his wedding band. âYouâre young. You joined us on a lark and weâve all been trying to protect you some. Maybe we thought that would just be keeping Guy Gardner out of earshot, but⌠youâre a good kid. Iâve seen so many good kids get kicked around and dirtied up and turned sour by the world. I donât want that for you. Youâre staying good. Maybe the rest of us are has-beens or never-wases, but youâre going to make something of yourself. None of the others could live with themselves if they stopped you and neither could I.â
Tears welled in Maryâs eyes. She couldnât say anything. She just rested her head on Ralphâs shoulder.
âMr. Dibny?â she said after a while, as another skeleton appeared and headed for their chains.
âYeah, Mary?â
âWhy does she care so much that you can stretch your body? No offense, but that always seemed like a bit of a weak power to me.â
âOh, she uh, sheââ Ralph forced his nose to wiggle. âItâs a mystery. See? See?â
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Shendude
Heh.
