mostlyfunstuff
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Not doing well
🕑 Added 2024-05-17 23:00:56 +0000 UTCHello everyone,
To explain my recent absence, and therefore, the lesser amount of activity, is... I am not doing well.
Likely a distorted or traumatic view, of constant threat of judgement, eviction, or any others, have made me avoid seeking professional help. It's become low in my priorities, as I have become too focused with personal, familial and problems making a living. The fact I'm being pushed to find larger accommodation (for reasons also personal and do not wish to divulge) for even more rent is infuriating.
Two other recent events (a day-long vehicle service, and the side effects of a recent vaccination) have also left me physically drained, which, the Drawing Drive, while helpful have sadly not been enough, often because said exhaustion meant sleeping for 80% of the day, and using the very little time to work on what I could. Which is very little.
And then there's this... the fragile and pompous sense of maintaining this professional facade, again out of said distorted fear. I clearly have very little self-esteem, or faith, or whatever keeps any of you going. I know very well of how you see me, or look up to me, or whatever, and I am going to dread, either the disappointment... or the complaints ... or the unsolicited advice... or the tactless positive platitudes. Each one a turn of the screw on the metaphorical vice on my head.
"Why bother asking for donations when you barely work in a day?"
"My idea is easy, I've been sending you messages for days, why don't you accept?"
"I don't believe you."
.... "It's okay to ask for help." A concept of which I struggle with even now, as I often see that as a sign of my own failures. I still loathe myself, for my lax activity - never mind that I've been either sick, depressed, or irritable at the annoyances.
Things like the pricing change and the Drawing Drive did indeed help, and reduce my workload, absolutely. It's just my health now, physical and mental that had taken the toll from my failings before.
Let me sum up my mindset as of late: "Working to the point of suicidal thoughts". That often drove me to make these changes. Perhaps one more is needed. I often saw "doing more work" as the solution to my mental health. Obviously it's not working.
To that end, I am... considering once more, to open up for a sort of donation thing. An extra way to help me out, aside from things like commissions and the MFS Patreon (which if you can see this, you already have, and I thank you for it). I'm honestly hesitant to post links - often to ward off malware, spammers, and bad actors, so perhaps if you would like to help - please send me a message (and only a message!) and I can respond to you. (also, if you are connected to me on Discord, you may reply there too)
This may change depending, of course. But for now... I need the space, partially to get all of this off my chest. Thank you again so much for your understanding and support.
Take care of yourselves.
~MFS
Comments
aguynamedGeoff
Youβre loved, man. Know that.
ZGMF-X42S
Do what you gotta do, man. I know I, and many others, will support you. π
Millusio
Please take care of yourself. You are loved and you deserve to live.
