Infamous Goose
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1.18 Worry
🕑 Added 2025-01-30 06:43:16 +0000 UTCMy incarnation stood beside my true body, frowning slightly. I really did look a mess, sitting cross-legged in my newly created meditation room. My hair was in disarray, be it male or female form. My face was pale, my robes tattered and stained with soot. My arm of primordial chaos looked a little weird, its grey-and-blue coloration a sharp contrast to my natural skin tone. Yet my breathing was even, expression placid and calm as power began to build in my core. Since I did not have the seemingly limitless powers of creation as granted to me by the Overgod, that meant I had to amass it on my own by storing the energy my soul created, condensing it, and transforming it into the correct flavor of energy I had in mind.
It wasn’t a terribly efficient process. I estimated I had a fifty percent efficiency rate which, while not abysmal, was still unideal. That wasn’t even counting that I intentionally let some of my energy through to keep nourishing the Realms, as well as pushing up into the primordial chaos to bolster its own growth. This meant I had to amass even more energy than I might need, just in case creating the Lunar Star was more costly than I expected…
And once I reached a certain point, I might be locked in my meditation chambers until said energy reached the required levels. Already my full, unrestrained presence was difficult for many beings to handle, my sheer aura threatening to collapse souls unless I took extra care to protect them. I’d gotten much better at it since the creation of the Four Realms, especially with my discovery of divine incarnations, but with all that added, extra power on top of it?
Well. I doubted even my ability to keep it all perfectly under control. Especially if something was looking to harm the Realms or my children.
“Are you sure this is wise, Marm?” Randus asked, stepping out of the shadows beside me. I looked from myself to him, raising an eyebrow. The butler was concerned, twirling his moustache nervously and gaze flitting between my true body and this incarnation. Only once did he turn to examine the meditation room, which was far different than my previous. There was no art on the walls, or luxury surrounding me.
It was simple stone, lines of a white crystal circling the stone pad my true body rested upon. There were no lights or windows, leaving the entire room in total darkness – even the door, a large, metal thing, wouldn’t open unless I willed it to. The message this room sent was clear; while in here, I was to be left alone. The only reason Randus had managed to slip through the wards I was building around the place was because I let him.
“You mean continuing to amass power?” I asked.
“Would it not be wiser to pursue this…Shadow you have been chasing?” Randus asked.
“One does not chase shadows. Even I only barely noticed their presence,” I said, shaking my head and turning away. A single step carried me away from my true body and out of the chamber, to the slowly-rebuilding palace. All that remained of the old place was a few guest rooms, my workshop, and the treasure room; which was filled with countless tiny curios and such that my People and children had made. They weren’t just replicas, either. Many were the original artifacts, like the first cave drawing ever! That said, the near-total desctruction gave me a lot of leeway to rebuild as I saw fit.
“But,” Randus started. A quick look silenced him and had him bowing his head. I scowled at the action, as there was no need to bow, but let it slide.
“This is to force their hand. I cannot claim to know the mind of whatever works against us, but I do understand this; they react the strongest to significant changes to the Four Realms' structure.” I explained. “Every time I do something to alter the structure of things and increase the growth rate of the Realms or strengthen its internal structures – such as adding those lesser stars to the Physical Realm, or creating Fae – this thing reacts. I tested this theory with the creation of angels. The Lunar Star is a pivotal creation, its addition will add a balance that will exponentially increase the Realms’ growth rate. I get the feeling it will be forced to move when I do start to create it; I'll need more time to confirm this, but that is the current strategy." I preferred dealing with issues before they became a problem. The Shadow had the potential to be a very big problem.
“…so you want to force its hand.” Randus mused, a bit of understanding in his tone. “Because this being only appears when you are focused on an act of creation, or elsewise distracted.” I frowned and considered that for a moment. That was…probably correct, now that I thought about it. An incarnation had been the first to truly notice the Shadow, even if my main body had been the one to lift the veil.
Food for thought.
“I am encouraging your siblings to focus on expansion and strengthening their own Realms and people. The other gods will be doing the same – as far as I am aware, a couple of the elemental deities are working on creating their own templates of the Elementals Reika created. You are doing excellently, Randus, aiding Keilan as you are. Thank you.” I praised honestly, bowing slightly to him. He flushed crimson and coughed, unsure how to take the praise.
“But still, if you remove yourself…” Randus started.
“I am not removing myself. It may seem like it, but I promise that is not the case.” I said with a smile, turning back to the palace and tapping my chin thoughtfully. How did I want this to look? Chinese? Japanese? Roman forum? Why not all three, and then some? I already gave my angels Roman and Chinese names, why not keep mixing up cultures? “Just because you can’t see me, doesn’t mean I’m not there. Besides, my incarnations will be running about.” And I meant that quite literally. There was something specific I wanted to research heavily; my most powerful incarnation was focusing heavily upon it.
I needed a contingency plan, just in case my true body was incapacitated when the climax of this coming storm came. If I, myself, couldn’t fully control all that power…then who’s to say I couldn’t find something that could aid me? What I had said to Dei wasn’t completely wrong; “seek nothing outside yourself.” But that only applied to the fact that change and strengthening had to be done by yourself; you had to make and desire the change for it to actually take root. That didn’t mean you couldn’t seek outside help, such as aid and guidance from other things or people. You didn’t have to go it alone.
My thoughts drifted as I set about rebuilding my palace, chatting casually with Randus. This whole situation felt…bad. The Shadow, all those things lurking in the back of my mind…it set me on edge. And not only because they were actively working against my children – and that was where the problem lay.
Not once did I feel like the Shadow’s anger was directed at my own being. It was just a feeling. A gut instinct. But that’s how I felt. And I wasn’t sure I liked what that implied.
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The energy of the Heaven Realm fell away, the Holy Mountain settling back into its foundations with a groan of stone-upon-stone as this incarnation finished its work. The ley lines beneath the mountain had become tangled somehow, so I fixed it. Even such a simple action brightened the aura of the Mountain, the yang-energy it produced brightening just a tad. It was funny, to me, how each of the key features of the Realms produced their own kinds of energy, like a battery. The Mountain produced Yang, the Tree made Life, the Valley Yin, and the River mixed them all together while adding its own bit of spiritual energy.
“Father, may I have a word?” Elvira asked, suddenly appearing behind me. I dusted my hands and turned to her with a smile, raising one eyebrow at the seriousness of her expression. Her wings were flared, her loose white robes fluttering in the breeze, blonde hair tied up in a tasteful bun with bits of gold jewelry. Yet her eyes were unwavering in holding my gaze, the tension in her shoulders palpable.
The angel behind me, Stilicho, raised an eyebrow as well, taking a few steps back to give us space.
“Yes? What can I help you with?” I asked, glancing at both Sol and Gilles. The two deities stood just behind Elvira, equally serious. In the past few years they’d taken to being her advisors and such as she helped guide the other deities in their duties, calming the panic. I was incredibly proud of her for taking charge like that.
“I would like you to teach me to fight.” She said, and my thoughts came to a screeching halt.
“You want me to – what?” I stammered. This shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me. It really shouldn’t have. But I’d been more expecting this from Reika or Alexander, not the independent Elvira. Of all my children, I had expected her to try and figure things out herself.
“Please,” she said, bowing her head formally. I glanced at Stilicho, who shrugged, then at Sol and Gilles, who bowed their heads as well to avoid meeting my eyes.
“Um, sure,” I said slowly. To be honest that fight with the rogue deity had been the first fight I’d been in, in eons. Since before I created the Four Realms, even. Most of the dark spirits I’d “done battle with” during my time as an angel-equivalent didn’t really count as a fight. They’d been little scuffles and spats, arguments with the beings for being somewhere and doing something they shouldn’t. “Not sure I’m the best teacher for this, but I could teach you a little if you want.”
“I have already observed the mortals for a while now. I understand that is not enough time, but I would like your advice.” She said. I hummed and rubbed the back of my neck, floating forward.
“What have you done so far?” I asked, wracking my memories for where to even begin with this. There were plenty of militant mortals, but there was a difference between fighting as a god and as a mortal, something I, myself, was learning. Plus, this was just an incarnation. I highly doubted that I could do much teaching in this form; my functions were limited enough as it was to conserve power. Give it another few hundred years and that might change, but…well. Right now I only had access to about a fourth of Elvira’s own power.
“I spent a few years tempering my body in the primordial chaos. Such measures will take more time to elevate my fleshly body into something worthwhile, however. Searching memories of the mortals has given me ideas on a few techniques and skills I might be able to learn, but functionally I have yet to get anything working that is worthy of my power.” She explained, rambling a bit. I nodded, narrowing my eyes slightly. There was something off here…what was her game? If it was just about training to become worthy of fighting the rogue god, she was already on the right track.
…and she knew that. As independent as Elvira was, she wouldn’t come to me for aid like this without first having a good grasp on martial techniques and skills. I did not doubt she had already improved, but not for one second did I believe it was up to her perfectionist standards.
“First, tell me where this is coming from.” I said, folding my hands behind my back.
“My attacks did nothing to that rogue god.”
“Do not lie to me,” I interrupted. She was a terrible liar; her wings always twitched when she started to lie, or attempt to twist words. Keilan was more the manipulator. She was more straightforward. I was sure there was some truth to what she was saying, but that was beside the point. Elvira worked her mouth for a bit, then withdrew into herself slightly. Her golden eyes stared into my own green, filled with a myriad of emotions I purposefully did not read into, letting her come to me in her own time.
“I am worried.” She finally admitted.
“About?” I pressed. “Is it about the Shadow? I know Keilan told you about it,”
“About you.” She said with a shake of her head, and I pulled up short. Huh? “You haven’t been taking the loss of your arm well, and I worry about how you are reacting to the Shadow.” I frowned at her, crossing my arms across my chest. What the hell was she trying to get at here? I lost a me-damned arm, and now –
Ah. I realized, catching myself. This is what she meant. I’m irritable.
“You doubt the Creator?” Stilicho asked, stepping forward, his aura flaring outward. I placed a hand on the silver-skinned being to calm him, shaking my head slightly. Irritation still bubbled in the pit of my stomach, though, demanding Elvira explain further.
“I do not, Stilicho, and Father’s angel or no you will not speak to me that way.” Elvira snapped, flaring her wings and squaring her shoulders to meet Stilicho’s challenge. “Father needs to understand the situation we are in.” And that got me a bit riled. Anger spiked in my heart and my fists clenched, doing my utmost to restrain myself. I didn’t understand the situation we were in? I knew exactly what kind of a situation we were in, and I hated it with every fiber of my being.
“He understands.” Stilicho pressed. “The Creator has a plan.”
“We know His Majesty does,” Sol said smoothly, calmly…deceptively so. “That is not what Lady Elvira is trying to say.”
“Then listen to Him, and have faith in His words.” Stilicho replied.
“You are the one who needs to listen, you brat!” Sol snapped. “She has something to say, so listen!”
“Enough, brother. Stilicho is young, he needs time to understand things.” Gilles soothed, laying a hand on Sol’s shoulder. Stilicho bristled beside me, fuming at the two gods as he launched into a tirade, waving his hands dramatically and waving his arms wildly to illustrate his point.
I, meanwhile, met Elvira’s gaze while they continued to argue, a vein throbbing in her forehead. She opened her mouth and I crossed my arms, waiting for what she had to say next, some part of me daring her to do so, to challenge me. But that was not a good part of me. That was a weak part of me. I needed to understand what she was getting at, before I said anything.
That was what had led to my question in the first place.
“Father, I want you to trust me.” Elvira said finally, softly, her annoyance fading away as she dropped her gaze from mine. The other three silenced themselves at her words.
“I do trust you.” I said.
“No, I want you to trust me with this.” She said, flying forward so she was floating just before me, well within arm’s reach. Her eyes were wet, and I softened my own expression. “The Shadow. I am weak, I know, but I want to prove to you that I – that we, your children, could handle this. I want you to be able to trust me with it. I – I don’t want you to get involved.”
“Why not?” I asked, now well and truly taken aback. Not get involved? I was already involved, and there was no way I couldn't be involved.
“Because this is a fight between your children. Whether or not you try to deny it, the Shadow is one of your children too, I can feel it. And I fear where this conflict will lead.” She said, and there it was. The little truth that I’d been…well, not denying, but not allowing to come to fruition. The Shadow was malicious, but it was also a creation of mine, wasn’t it? Someway, somehow. The connection was there, and it was too strong. It was simultaneously why I could feel its influence, but not find its form.
“Elvira…” I said, laying a hand on her shoulder and feeling tears prickle the corners of my eyes. But it wasn’t my hand that touched her shoulder – it was a hand of primordial chaos, and a stark reminder of who I was. I was the kind of being who would give anything to protect my children. How could I…how could I pick sides here?
That was what Elvira feared. That I would pick a side, when I had to remain impartial to be who and what I am.
She leaned forward and wrapped me in a hug, burying her face in my shoulder. Tears soaked into my robes as I returned the hug, my throat tightening with emotion.
“I’m sorry. I – I would still love for you to train me a little, and I do want to spend more time together. I just don’t want you to be forced into this mess that we made – I’m afraid that whatever this being is, it is our actions that causes it to want to attack us, not yours. Keilan agrees, and so does Alexander. So please. Just trust me with this. You’ve given so much for us, and I don’t want to lose you.” She mumbled.
There was the final fear, the final puzzle piece I was missing to her request. My sacrifice had scared her, and so did my continued insistence on running myself ragged to fix the Realms. I squeezed her tighter as her wings wrapped around us, enveloping the two of us in warmth and feathers.
“Of course. I’m not going anywhere, Elvira. I love you.” I returned, closing my eyes tightly and fighting back tears, squeezing her tightly.
I just…I wish I’d gotten to know the Shadow, too, before things had gotten to this point.
If only it’d told me it was there, maybe we could’ve had moments like this as well.
