fallenshadow
patreon
where's the content? >:(
🕑 Added 2021-04-28 03:34:49 +0000 UTClife's been a bit of a rollercoaster for me lately.
i don't want to make excuses, i don't want to vetnt o you guys. i'm sorry for failing to deliver content for too long yet again. if you don't care to read further, all that really matters is that i'm trying my very very best, things keep getting in my way, i'm kinda beyond my limit but i will 100% have a video up for you guys and content will resume at as regular a pace as possible as soon as i possibly can. i don't want to make anyone feel bad, or upset, or negative, so if you don't think reading a sad post from a sad girl wil ldo you any good then please, please do not read. this post got a bit heavier than i meant for it to, please bear that in mind. and if you can't support me, or if you don't want to support me, that's okay. i'm still so thankful for everything i've been given. thank you so much, to everyone who cares even the smallest bit about my content.
i haven't been doing well mentally lately. i won't go into specifics, but i've always had a lot of mental issues, i'm schizoaffective, i have up phases and (mostly lol) down ones. right now i'm in a hard place. some days i struggle to get out of bed, some days i struggle to sit at my computer or talk to my own family, nevermind fill out my responsibilities as a content creator. but that's nothing new, that's how it's always been. it's just that lately i'm at my limit with my existing problems and it feels as if more and more is being thrown at me too.
there's been lots of health scares within my family lately. that's pretty normal, as a family member i live with has multiple serious long term health conditions, but lately my mother has had some bad health issues and as a result i've kinda had to become a full-time-mother-of-four here and there too, when she's not been well enough to physically serve that role. a new medication she's on seems to be working, i won't say any more about that but i've spent the last few months kinda playing mommy so the pressure and stress of that has become a bit of a weight upon me. i'm used to helping around a lot but it's been much more than i'm strong enough to control lately.
streaming is something i've been lookign forward to seriously pursuing for a long, loooong time, and it's so exciting to be finally reaching that. streaming has been my one little light the last few crazy months, the one thing i've been grasping tightly onto. it makes me so happy. i allowed myself to take a little step back from youtube for a couple of weeks so that i could get properly into streaming whilst also juggling all of my personal life's obligations.
when i was about to return and i was feeling healthy enough to get some work done on youtube content, my little sister got very sick suddenly and ended up in the hospital. after some tests we're hoping it was nothing serious, but this was kinda the straw that broke the camel's back and i just felt as if i had reached my limit. all of the problems i've been facing recently are things that aren't that bad, i know. they're things that i should be strong enough to deal with. but when they keep hitting me and hitting me one after another i just feel as if i can't go on anymore.
i don't want to take a break again, or anything like that. content creation is my entire life. i dropped out of school at 12 due to my fragile health. i don't have any formal qualifications. i don't leave my house often. i'm usually too scared to leave the house. i've never really had a real life friend, and the last time i had contact with just a normal peer my age was probably when i was in school all of those years ago. i have no friends, no social life, nothing really but my family and the motivation to continue doing what i'm doing now. i'm 100% certain that if i had never started making youtube content i'd be dead today.
jesus christ, that got morbid fast. i'm really sorry. i didn't intend for this post to go this way.
i took a few hours to recalibrate and calm down a bit. i tried not to stress over content creation for a day or two. i tried to work slowly, here and there, wherever i could. i was finally thinking yesterday morning that i was going to be able to finish the next video in time for the end of the month when my pet rabbit lily got very sick yesterday out of nowhere. she passed away this morning. i spent all of last night cradling her and sobbing and all of today digging a grave and trying not to break down into tears every five minutes. she was beginning to get old, but it came out of nowhere. 36 hours she was perfectly healthy, happy, eating all of her food. just like always.
i don't really know what the point of this post is at this point, or what i'm trying to say. i really don't want pity, or to make excuses any longer. i genuinely want to make content, i do. i want to keep making videos and keep streaming for a long time. i want to stay here, and make lots and lots of videos that you guys will like.
it just feels like one thing after another lately, that's all. it feels like life won't give me a minute just to breathe.
the video will come soon. i don't know what soon means, but know that as soon as i am able to give it all of the love and energy and passion that it deserves it will be on youtube. i'll make you a good video and many many more after this one too. i'll do it as soon as i can without shattering into a trillion little pieces and not being able to do anything ever again.
i know how to take care of myself, and i know what i want. ijust wish i wasn't such a fragile person. my family always say it's as if i'm made out of glass. i could shatter any moment. i wish i was made out of something stronger.
thank you so much for reading my ramble. i didn't intend on sharing any of this really, or getting so dark. i hope i didn't upset you. i hope you don't mind me being a bit vulnerable. my intention was to be honest and offer transparency , since you all deserve at least that much. as soon as i can!!!!!!!!! content!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yay!
big big big big big big big big big big love,
shadow.
Comments
don’t stress yourself out about feeling stressed out cowboy :>
DokuroChan
Happy Cinco de Mayo, Shondo!
Jan Podborny
you can tell shadows upset by the mispell in the first sentence. take it easy, ive chosen to go on supporting you, if i wouldnt id unsubscribe
Chris
It's okay. Don't give up hope--just keep doing what you do for us so well. In turn, you will be reminded of your own self worth when you see all those likes and positive comments, and further see just how much of an impact you have on other people. It ends up being like a vicious cycle, but with a positive uptrend. And hey: if none of us believed in you, you wouldn't have all of us Patrons who support you.
DokuroChan
Mucho love-o. Sending positivity and healthy vibes your way! 💖💜❤️🤗
Itian
Aw Shadow.. Thank you for telling us, but you don't need to apologise; all of us are purely secondary to your life and wellbeing, and only ever want things to be great for you. Post about whatever you like! We'll be here to listen/read and give you all of the long-distance support we can.
You don't need to apologize, you're already working yourself hard enough as it is. Take care of yourself and your family first.
KYam
Friendly potato here, life can be hard chief, and I feels for ya. Its important to take care of what it throws at you, no matter how heavy. Take what you need, lots are happy to hear you out, give you space, support you and see you grow as a creator. Also glass is interesting, even if broken can be gathered up and remade into all kinds of creative shapes n colors. Totally seen some blown into horses. Hang in there chief, we're with ya in spirit, an in it for the ride together!
Sierra Bravo
Do what you need to. It's awesome that you have found a creative niche, given the limitations you've outlined. I think anyone who goes looking for ASMR in the internet has had their share of experience with depression and medical or psychiatric issues. We all know where you're coming from, and we are ALL rooting for you. Because I can't resist the masculine urge to *fix the problem,* please forgive the following book recommendations. There's a few books that helped me, "Getting Things Done" and "The Compound Effect." They (among other great works) showed me how to reduce the amount of chaos I was imposing on myself, so I could handle what the world was dishing out. I'd like to send you a copy of each. If you have a public PO box you're comfortable sharing, you can DM it to me. (If DM-ing is a thing on Patreon. I don't actually know. If not you have my Discord handle, too.) Fellow commenters, this goes for you as well. Hit me up.
Aeyrgran
If you think I'm going to stop supporting you because of a little pause like this then you're in for a surprise Ellie <3 Feeling exhausted because life keeps combo'ing haymakers into your psyche doesn't make you weak, it makes you human. None of us would feel great after what you've been through lately. You take all the time you need to make something you're satisfied with that won't also take all of "you" with it, we'll be here.
CodyTheBruh
I’ll keep it simple. ITS ALL COOL, you gotta take care of you and we’re all good with that, and all of us are in your corner as friends. I hope you feel much better soon!!!!
The previous people here already said any of this better, but you're very strong, Ellie. You continue to push forward even through that terrible storm, and I don't think many of us would have as much resolution as yours, Not me at least. You can post anything if it can help you feel any better. We'll support you always. Take your time, you and your family matter way more than your content. I hope you'll all get better ♡
ParanoidMonkey
Other commenters have said this better than I can, but don't stress about content delivery. Take care of yourself first 👍
Azradun
I will support you as long as I can, you are a very strong person, I couldn't take care of a quarter that you have on you. I understand, family should always come first before a hobby. And I don't want you to force yourself to do content when you are feeling bad and overwhelmed. This is a feeling I felt lately too.
Honestly take all the time you need. You're stronger than you think, you've got this and you're awesome. Some extra love on top of all the rest sent your way ♡
Beeposaurus
Shadow your content has really helped me out and i am very thankful that i discovered you during a rather spooky stage of lifee, honestly getting a letter from you felt unreal and genuinely made me feel warm and kept me pushing... so no matter how long or whatever happens ill Continue to support you because there wouldn't be content if there were no you right? Take as much time as you need, your well being is top priority and we're not goin anywheree :> Sending lots of Love And Support! ~Pete
_RorbinS
Hey Shadow The reason I support you is because you pour your heart into your content. This kind of craft takes real determination and commitment, so I never expected anything other than content you were happy with, delivered on your schedule. I'm sure many people feel the same way. I was writing a huge wall of text, but it was rambling and meandering and not making any sense, so I'll just say this. Glass is one of my favourite substances, because of its versatility, flexibility and surprising resilience. To be like glass is to be sadly unnoticed and underappreciated a lot of the time, but that gives you the incredible perspective to see others more clearly than most. In the words of Emperor Lelouch: "We wondered what happiness would look like if we could give it a physical form. If I'm not mistaken, it was Suzaku who said that the shape of happiness might resemble glass. His reasoning made sense. He said that even though you don't usually notice it, it's still definitely there, you merely have to change your point of view slightly and then that glass will sparkle when it reflects the light. I doubt that anything can argue its own existence more elegantly." Thank you for all that you do, for yourself, for your family, for the wider world. If there's ever anything that I or anyone else can do to help, please let us know. F
fluffychickens
I'm terribly sorry to hear about all of this. Sometimes the hand we're dealt in life is just unfair, and it sucks. I don't want to pretend that I can empathise with your situation because the issues that I experience in my daily life pale in comparison to your ordeals, but I would like to say some things. I'm not really good at offering comforting words, but I want you to know that the videos that you make are genuinely something special and offer support to many of us who are in need. All the little troubles and trivialities that cloud my mind just seem to disappear when I put on one of your audios, and I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. Your voice is a cure-all for the feelings of sadness and lonliness and even all of the little existential crises that flood my brain when I'm alone in the dark. It's really amazing. I know it's not a lot, but I hope that you can hear your supporters when we tell you that our lives truly would not be the same if you were not a part of it. And it feels unfair for you to be pouring out all of this warmth for us while you have to struggle through the storm. There are so many people that care for you and appreciate all that you do, and I know that words can only do so much. I wish there was something I could say that would make it all better, but that's not realistic. All I can say is that I really, truly wish for you and your family's well being in these trying times. Gosh this feels cheesy. Maybe all this stuff I've typed is just a jumbled mess at this point, idk I'm tired. But the emotion behind it is real. I only hope for the best for you and yours. Sincerely, Will
Goldfell
Do whatever ya need and take as much time as ya need. We'll be ere
Jayix Chezro
*hugs tightly* It’s okay, I understand and I think we all do Just do what you can, no matter what I’ll still support you, especially now more than ever Don’t push yourself or feel obligated to post, you just do you, I really hope things get better soon
As long as you're doing okay, and taking care of yourself, then take all the time in the world you need. I'm sure we can all empathize with you and your situation. I know that I personally...wish I could do more to help. But its tough, the world is tough, and unfair. This really isn't the medium for me to share, but I can say at least, that I know what you're dealing with on a very personal level. When I was young, I was bullied and teased as the only Asian kid in my community... I was tormented, and betrayed... in middle school, i was the odd one out because I was the "poor" kid compared to my classmates... at 16, my mother had a psychotic break and was unable to care for me and my brother. I had to grow up fast and help take care of him. And for 2 years, the years I should have been planning for my future and growing my relationships...I suffered with needing to survive... and it never got better for me from there. I've never struggled to find the light in a situation... but only because i refused to look inward at myself... it wasn't until recently that I discovered how empty I was inside. because I always lived my life for others and never myself. Things would break for me and I would just say... It's fine. I deserve this. Ah...but anyway... I hope you and the rest of the community don't mind me being so open as well...I just think its only fair with you being in such a vulnerable place...that we be to. I don't know if you'll see this, or if anyone else will follow suit, but at least know, you've done nothing wrong. And we support you not because we want content from you, but because we are grateful for the content and creativity you share with us. You are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for, and this much I can say is true. A lesser person, a person truly made of glass, would have broken and given up long ago. But you? you're still persisting, you're still trying. Everyday you do manage to get up, you've proven already that you are strong. And everyday you don't? Doesn't disprove that fact... it just means that you need a moment longer to recharge... Thank you Shadow...no, thank you Ellie, for being here for us. But most importantly, thank you for being here for you. Much love...so much love. -a random stranger from across the globe.
Spam Goose
Your life is way more important to us, if you need some time to yourself and to your family, take it. We can wait for you to feel better. I can't say I've gone through what you have said and the hardships you have faced, but I've fought similar. I was used as a tool for other people's enjoyment most of my elementary, middle and high school. People enjoyed watching me suffer with no friends, no social skills, nothing. I felt like you, if someone (or something) didnt help me, to make me feel needed or wanted, my story would have ended. My way to feeling like I'm actually something was the internet, and I know that sounds weird, but when I'm on it, I can actually be myself. I can have fun, meet new people, and enjoy what it has to offer. My school days have definitely have changed me for the worse (both mentally and physically) mostly because I never had help or have the courage to ask for, but dont let your issues do the same. We may not be your best friend, or the people you wanted to meet before you left school, but we care about you. we care about your health, your commitment, your goals, your achievements and you. We may not be able to help you in the real world, but let us do what we can here. We can be the shoulder you can cry on, the best friend you chat with about anything hurting you, or upsetting you. the people who are happy to see you smile and be full of joy. I may not be the most qualified to speak for everyone (or the most known) but as someone who has suffered similar fate as you, we are here to help you out. So don't hesitate to ask! need a break because the world around you is having problems? Take it, your wellbeing is way more important than us. Stressing about getting videos and content out? Don't, we don't what that to happen, we want to see you relaxed and enjoy making it. Need to vent out your frustrations and anger? We are here for you to do so. I am truly sorry to hear all the things going bad in your life I really do, but please dont put us above it all, please take care of yourself and your family. They need you, we can wait. Whatever happens, we will support you no matter what, because we care about you, your family, you content, everything you have shared. So please, dont forget what's important, and neither will we. -Spam Goose P.S. sorry for the massive wall of text, I really think it's well needed
Irritated Insomniac
Hey take the time you need, we want vids but first and foremost we want you doing okay.
Sending much love to you shadow and a big fuck you to life. we are all you friends and fans here and we all care about you very much so don't forget that!
