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Demesne 22 - Rebuilding

🕑 Added 2021-03-24 05:02:00 +0000 UTC

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Ian Malcolm

I edited the comment to add some additional suggestions, btw

Ian Malcolm

She had everyone clear a path to the reservoir, with Rian in charge to keeping it clear, as she sat on a convenient bench she'd formed from the stone bulwark in front of the original cliff face just outside the dungeon and drew water from the river. -> She had everyone clear a path to the reservoir, *setting* Rian in charge *of* keeping it clear*(no comma) while she drew water out of the river from her seat on a convenient stone bench she'd created nearby.* ...so the air in there would be replace by... -> replaced by The children, seeling rods in hand, went to catch more roof... -> food ...setting the stones to one side for either building material or to be examined later -> either for (rather than for either) Lori had asked some of those with hunting experience to be on hand with wooden clubs as she had bound the waterwisps... -> bound (rather than had bound) ...the reed struck at the log like beasts pouncing from tall grass... -> ...the reed*s* struck at the log like *a pack of* beasts pouncing from tall grass... She stared in heartsick shock as more reeds struck at the wood. (heartsick?) Lori has seen enough. -> had seen ...maybe warn everyone beforeyou start... -> before you (seems the italics didn't carry over well) ...she made the water she couldbind boil. -> could bind (same thing)


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