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CONTESSA DOESN’T UNDERSTAND ROMANTIC DATES
🕑 Added 2025-04-06 14:16:32 +0000 UTCThe restaurant was all dark wood and soft jazz, the kind of place where conversations happened in low voices and desserts came in tall glasses with delicate shavings of gold on top. A small candle flickered between them.
Contessa sat perfectly upright, hands folded in her lap like she was awaiting a tactical briefing.
Maggie, across the table in a deep red dress, smiled. “You look great.”
Contessa looked down at her clothes—a black cocktail dress, tailored masterfully, not a thread out of place. “I selected the statistically optimal combination of cut, color, and fabric based on your stated aesthetic preferences.”
Maggie blinked. “Right. Well… you nailed it.”
A waiter approached. Maggie smiled and ordered a wine along with her meal. Contessa studied the menu, frowned faintly, and said, “Water.”
After the waiter left, Maggie arched an eyebrow. “You don’t drink?”
“I have never found alcohol’s effects conducive to performance.”
“You’re not at work, Contessa.”
Contessa paused. “That is not entirely clear. You described this outing as a date, which is—by definition—a social ritual with implicit objectives. I assumed I was expected to perform well.”
Maggie leaned in slightly, amused. “It’s not an evaluation.”
“I conducted extensive research,” Contessa replied. “There were articles. Lists. ‘Ten Strategies for First-Date Success.’ I reviewed seventeen of them. Some advice conflicted.”
“Oh no,” Maggie said, biting back a laugh. “You went full prep mode, didn’t you?”
Contessa nodded solemnly. “One source recommended issuing a compliment every seven to ten minutes. Another discouraged excessive praise. I have not reconciled the inconsistency.”
Maggie laughed. “Babe, just be here. With me. You don’t need a strategy.”
Contessa seemed to chew on that. “Then what is the goal?”
“There isn’t one,” Maggie said. “We’re just enjoying each other’s company.”
Contessa looked at her, genuinely baffled. “Is that enough?”
Maggie reached across the table and took her hand, gently. “It is if you let it be.”
Contessa stared down at their joined hands, still confused, but she didn't pull away. “I see.”
The waiter returned with their order. Contessa studied her plate for several seconds before asking, “Is food-sharing considered an acceptable expression of affection, or is it a boundary violation?”
“Depends,” Maggie said, cutting a piece of her steak and offering it. “Wanna try?”
Contessa leaned forward, took the offered bite, chewed thoughtfully, and gave a small nod. “Satisfactory.”
Maggie grinned. “You’re the weirdest person I’ve ever dated.”
“I am aware,” Contessa replied, with no trace of offense. “My behavioral model deviates from normative standards.”
“Good. Normal’s overrated.”
They lapsed into quiet. The candle flickered. The jazz swelled slightly. Across the table, Contessa made no move to speak, but she kept holding Maggie’s hand.
Maggie gave her a small, warm smile. “I’m calling this a successful date.”
Contessa blinked. “Based on what metric?”
“Emotion.”
A pause. Then, carefully, Contessa nodded. “I am… glad we are dating.”
And she meant it.
