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Dueling Hearts ch. 37
🕑 Added 2024-04-06 04:12:14 +0000 UTCHarry took deep breaths as he came down from his cloud of pure bliss. As he slipped out of Fleur, he could see a satisfied smile on the girl's face.
“What the fuck just happened?” Bellatrix groaned, trying to collect herself as they all began to extricate themselves from the pile of flesh they'd devolved into.
“That tattoo was meant to enhance my veela sexual abilities to the maximum. I did not expect it to affect all of you, just Harry.”
“Anyone else almost get eaten by a spider or something?” Angelina asked as she lightly tapped the side of her head.
“Harry! Can I move now?”
Everyone's heads turned at once as they saw Lavender, standing in the same exact spot Harry had left her, legs and thighs covered in streams of clear liquid that had ended up pooling at her feet.
“Go right ahead.” Harry said as he helped Daphne and Susan up to their feet.
The dizty blonde squealed and ran off in the direction of the bathroom.
“Probably going to flick that bean till its raw.” Tonks said. She had an arm wrapped around Fleur, and the veela was leaning her body into her as she recovered from her first time.
“Is it always going to be like this with you?” Susan asked Fleur, “I have some Hufflepuff sex magic that would mesh really well with it.”
Fleur looked intrigued by the redhead's words, “I don't think I'll activate that tattoo too often, it was quite a bit stronger than I thought.”
“Tell me about it,” Daphne said. “I feel like I just finished watching Barry Lyndon.”
“I wonder how long Lavender will take in the bathroom?” Lily asked, her bladder having filled up.
Bellatrix was just about to suggest they just kick the girl out of the bathroom, when Lavender came stomping back into view, carrying a bunch of towels and a basket full of tall cans.
“Alright! Well done coven! We did amazing!”
Lavender began tossing towels all over the place. Harry caught one, sharing a shrug with the girls as they began to towel themselves off.
“Wait, did you place a cooling charm on this?” Lily asked.
Lavender nodded emphatically as she began handing out cans to everyone.
“This is actually well applied.” The redhead said in shock.
“Well, you need to know how to charm towels well if you want a good skincare routine.” She responded matter-of-factly.
“Blue drink?” Fleur asked as she inspected the can she'd just been handed.
“England's best selling energy beverage.” Tonks rattled off, “It's like a potion that doesn't taste like crap, and it's sponsored by Gwenog Jones!”
The metamorph held up the front of the can, showing the Harpie's captain astride a broom, squeezing it between her thunderous thighs and winking at Fleur.
“I brought them just in case. And I'm glad I did!” Lavender chirped. “Now, how about we put our hands together and have a big coven cheer?”
“Don't press your luck, girl.” Bellatrix glared as she took a sip of her drink.
Lavender didn't let that stymie her enthusiasm at all. As everyone got dressed and began to settle down in the living room, Lavender sat down next to Daphne and just acted as if she was already a part of the coven.
Harry had to give it to her, the girl had absolutely zero shame.
…
The coven (plus Lavender) emerged from the Shrieking Shack the next morning, ready for another day as outcasts among an increasingly deranged student body.
What they weren't expecting was for that entire student body, along with staff, to be standing on the grounds in front of the castle's doors.
“Is there some special event we didn't know about?” Harry asked as they approached the mass of students.
“Wouldn't be surprised, the way they've been jerking us around.” Bellatrix grumbled.
But as they approached, they realized there was something else going on. Many students were still in their nightclothes, most looked pissed off at being out in the cold.
Some curious Durmstrang and Beauxbatons students were watching the proceedings from afar.
Harry knew something major had happened when he saw the look on the Headmaster's face. For the first time since he'd been at Hogwarts, Dumbledore looked upset. Not just upset, he looked positively pissed.
“What's going on here?” Lily asked McGonagall.
Minerva was stone faced as she gave the group a stiff nod. “Dolores Umbridge.” Was her single response.
Before they could ask her to elaborate, there was a small commotion as a new group approached from the side.
Minister Bagnold, along with some aides.
Dumbledore didn't even wait for the minister to arrive before going off.
“This is a travesty, Minister! An injustice of the highest order!”
Bagnold was taken aback by Dumbledore's tone, having never seen the headmaster like this. “Albus, I just now received the emergency summons. What is going on?”
“I'l tell you what is going on, Minister.” Dolores Umbridge walked up, her offensively pink attire assaulting everyone's eyes in the early morning.
“Dolores? What are you doing here?”
Umbridge placed a hand on her chest. “Why, Minister, you appointed me to supervise that malevolent harpy Black.”
Bellatrix glared daggers at Umbridge, who raised her chin up in response.
Bagnold's eyes grew wild. “Y-You? I did no such-”
“And it was good that you did!” Umbridge cut her off. “Just yesterday, she admitted to starting a coven with the dreaded Heiress of Hufflepuff! She's already seduced the Potters into comitting incest!”
“Dolores, I will have no more of your ridiculous lies!” Bagnold hissed.
“Erm, actually, Minister, that's all true. Professor Black exclaimed it yesterday, we all heard it.” A student said, backed up by a sea of nods.
“What?” Bagnold spun to stare at Bellatrix, who simply shrugged back.
“That is beside the point.” Dumbledore cut in. “This woman, whom I thought would bring nothing but joy to our school, is trying to have it shut down!”
Bagnold turned back to Umbridge, already feeling a headache coming on. “Explain yourself.”
“The school is not safe, Minister! I began a routine inspection, and I was aghast! The suits of armor all sport sharpened weapons. I witnessed the staircases turn into slides as students were on them. The goblets are all lined with lead, I suspect there is rampant, unchecked drug use, and I was able to uncover sixteen other safety hazards on that one inspection alone! The castle is a death trap!”
“The castle is as it should be!” Dumbledore hissed, his magic swirling around him as it looked as if he was about to strike Umbridge down.
The Minister's face had changed completely. “Penny, go back to the ministry and fetch Arthur Weasley and his people from magical accidents.”
“Yes ma'am.”
“Millicent, surely you don-”
“Albus.” The minister hissed. “I suggest you think your words through very carefully.”
“Headmaster, perhaps this is a battle that is best left for another time.” Minerva stepped up, placing a hand on the headmaster's shoulder as the aged wizard looked moments from a tantrum.
Everyone stood around outside in an awkward silence for about ten minutes until Penelope Clearwater returned with Arthur Weasley and several other witches and wizards in tow.
“Minister, what's so urgent? I was moments away from having a breakthrough on the rubber duck query.”
“It's a goddamn bathtub toy for children, you oaf!” The minister admonished the balding redhead, who cringed back.
“That's one theory, yes, but more resea-”
“Arthur, I want you and your people to sweep the first floor of the school. At the first instance of a considerable safety hazard, you come back to me and report it. Understood?”
Arthur looked between the minister and the headmaster, who was shooting him the most massive puppy dog eyes he had ever seen. With a gulp, he nodded. “Of course, minister.”
Arthur and his team headed over to the big double doors that led into the great hall.
“This might take a while, I suggest you all settle in. I'll have some food brought in, seeing as many of you missed breakfast.” The minister said, trying to stem the rising frustration in the student body.
“AAAHHHHGH!”
Not two minutes in, a wizard came running out of the castle, gingerly holding his palm as Arthur and the others rushed in behind him.
“What happened?” Bagnold shrieked.
“One of the doorknockers bit me!” The wizard yelled in a panic as he held up his hand, sporting perfect bite marks.
“Well duh!” Daphne called out. “Everyone knows not to touch the fanged knockers, they'll turn you into a werewolf.”
The students began to nod and murmur knowingly, since this was common knowledge amongst them all.
“Were you homeschooled or something, dude? That's been around since at least my first year.” Tonks told the now panicking man, gazing at the darkening bruise in his hand with growing horror.
“Now, now, my good boy, don't worry. Those rumors are false.” Albus said as he put a kindly arm around the pale faced worker.
The man looked up at him with desperate hope glimmering in his eyes, “So I'm not going to turn into a werewolf?”
“Of course not! That would be ludicrous! That knocker turns you into a vampire.” Dumbledore said placidly, oblivious as the man seized up. “Which reminds me, my boy, It might be a good idea to step away from the sun if you do not want to be reduced to ashes.”
That proved to be too much. The man fainted as Arthur conjured a tarp, which he draped over him.
Minister Bagnold looked ready to erupt as she glared at the headmaster, who turned back to her with a gentle smile. “Now then, minister, I am sure this situation can be resolved if we just sit down and discuss this like reasonable adults.”
…
For the first time in its storied history, Hogwarts had been shut down.
Temporarily, at least.
In the end, it didn't end up being too bad. Winter break was around the corner, and so they had just received an extended break where no one was allowed to stay in the castle.
The minister assured that the extensive safety sweeps would be concluded by the end of winter break. The ministry had pulled considerable resources, calling in six separate teams of curse breakers to ‘sanitize’ Hogwarts.
The foreign schools were provided with lodging, spread out between Hogsmeade and several rich purebloods that had offered up their manors.
Everyone else had to return home.
Home for the coven was Potter Manor. Bellatrix's apartment was far too cramped and Tonks’ flat even more so.
…
Everyone dropped off their trunks in the living room. The Potters didn't have a house elf, so everyone would have to unpack on their own.
Susan placed the cage she'd been carrying on the floor and opened the door.
Mortimer ambled out, his sensitive eyes squinting as his fur stood on end, nervous due to being surrounded by so many people.
With Hogwarts being picked by curse breakers with a fine-toothed comb, Susan had not wanted to risk Mortimer's safety. And so, the redhead had snuck into the castle right before they'd all been sent home and returned with Hufflepuff's monster safely in tow.
“Awww, he's so cute!” Tonks cooed as she lurched out to touch him. Harry cringed, knowing how clumsy his cousin could be.
“Just be careful, he's a bit frail.” Susan warned.
“Perhaps it would be better for you not to touch him then, Nymphadora.” Fleur said, grabbing onto Tonks’ wrist.
Harry, Daphne and Lily held their breaths, knowing that Tonks did not take well at all to being called her government name.
Tonks just blushed and pulled back, resting her head on Fleur's shoulder.
Harry and Daphne shared a look. ‘Fleur is civilizing Tonks’ was the thought they both shared.
“He could be the coven mascot, the little cutie.” Angelina said as she knelt down to rub under the grateful badger's chin.
Behind them, one of the trunks began to shake.
Ever alert, Bellatrix's head snapped over to it, eyes narrowing.
“Who's trunk is it that's rattling about?” She asked as she slowly raised her wand.
“That's mine.” Harry said. “And I definitely don't recall stuffing a niffler in my trunk.”
Bellatrix flicked her wand while Lily covered them all with a shield. Tensions were high at Hogwarts, and they couldn't discard the idea that someone had planted something in Harry's trunk in order to attack them.
The trunk flipped open, and out stepped a very sweaty and red-faced blonde.
“Lavender?!”
Lavender was practically wheezing, having both been suffocating and overheating in Harry's trunk. “I-I can be a way better mascot than that thing! I mean sure, he may be cute and all-” Lavender glanced at Mortimer, who was laying on his back and begging Susan and Angie for belly rubs. “O-Ok, he may be extremely cute and all, but I could do a cheer routine!”
Harry smacked his face as he looked at his completely empty trunk. “Lavender, where's all my stuff?”
“Oh, don't worry.” She waved it off. “I left it all on your bed! I'm sure it'll be fine.”
Fleur snorted. “As long as the curse breakers don't toss it all away or confiscate it as suspicious materials.”
Lavender's smile frayed a little at the ends, “Oh, I'm sure they'll just put it away and give it back to you when we come back! Besides, it was all books and stuff in there anyways, nothing major.”
“My whole wardrobe was in there!” Harry snapped, hand going to his temples as Lavender giggled nervously.
“Anyways, coven, what's our coven business for today?” The blonde asked.
“I think we should relax,” Daphne said, “Maybe have some fun up in the bedroom.”
“Lavender, maybe we should take you to your parents? I'm sure they must be worried about you.” Lily said.
Lavender shook her head. “mum is a groupie for The Quaffles, she's probably in Romania right now.”
“The Quaffles?” Bellatrix raised an eyebrow. “How old is your mother? Those people were ancient back when I was in school. They were big in the forties.”
Lavender shrugged, “She's umm… thirty-five, I think? She always said one of the members is my dad, too, but she can never get them to admit it.”
“Alright, how bout we change the direction of this conversation.” Angelina said.
“Actually, this does bring up something important.” Lily said. “Friends and family. How are we going to address this with them?”
Quite a few of them paled. Bella, Harry, Lily and Fleur had no issue, but everyone else had some form of parental figure that they were not super enthused to have to explain their current situation to.
“I think the best way around it would be to just meet everyone at once, would it not? It will be better to get all the awkwardness out of the way in one burst.” Fleur said.
“Yeah, that's probably a good idea.” Daphne nodded along. “If we get them all in a room together, we might be able to throw them off their game.”
“Choose the field of battle ourselves. Take the fight to them, and with so many voices, they won't be able to mount a unified front.” Bellatrix rubbed her chin sagely. “It just might work.”
Harry shot his mother a smug smirk. “And you said dueling had no real world applications.”
“She said what?!”
Daphne snapped her fingers. “Focus! Alright, so Angelina, Tonks, Susan and I will get to letter writing. We should get them to agree to a meeting here-”
“Grimmauld's.” Lily interjected.
“Huh?”
“I don't want my house trashed. Plus, Sirius has a house elf.”
“And Grimmauld's place is intimidating. Will give us the psychological edge.” Bellatrix added.
“I can go over there and tell Sirius what we're setting up.” Harry said.
“Good, sounds like a plan. We're going to need all the support we can get, seeing as we'll be public pariahs and all.”
With that, Daphne, Angelina, Tonks, Susan and Lily went over to her study. Lily was going to help the girls word their letters home, wanting things to go as smoothly as possible.
“You guys wanna come with?” Harry asked Bella and Fleur.
And Lavender was there as well.
Bella scoffed. “And deal with the mutt's stupid jokes? No thank you.”
“I'll come along.” Fleur shrugged.
Harry waved her over to the fireplace, and the moment they disappeared through the floo, Lavender ran over to Bella with a giddy look on her face.
Bella looked at the girl apprehensively. “What is it?”
Lavender grinned, pulling out a notepad covered from bottom to top with almost illegible scribbles.
“You said I had to convince you eight was better than seven, right? Now you can hear me out!”
Lavender went cross-eyed and her hands shot up into the air as Bellatrix's wand was pointed right between her eyes.
“Don't test me,” Bellatrix warned.
Sweat dripped down the blonde's brow, and Bellatrix holstered her wand, sure that the idiot had gotten the message.
Only for her to instantly blurt out, “Did you know there were eight hills of Rome? That's a pretty significant number.”
Bellatrix couldn't believe it. She couldn't believe the audacity, and she also couldn't believe just how stupid this girl was. “Rome had seven hills, girl, not eight.”
“Well, maybe if they'd had an eight one they'd still be around!”
Bellatrix didn't know what it was. Maybe the girl had chugged down a bottle of Felix Felicius, or maybe she had some strange version of a veela's aura that exuded pity, or maybe the others had influenced her far too much, but instead of blasting her to the wall, Bellatrix just turned around and began walking off to the kitchen, and she didn't say anything when Lavender followed right after her, spewing stupidity as if it were at a discount.
…
Harry and Fleur emerged onto the drawing room of Grimmauld's place. Harry made a grand, sweeping gesture to present the home to Fleur, but he cringed as his eyes took in his sorroundings.
“Is it always… like this?” Fleur asked as politely as she could manage.
Sirius wasn't the cleanest of bachelors, but having Kreacher around meant that the house was always spotless.
The drawing room right now looked a right mess, with empty bottles and discarded clothing littering the floor along with upturned chairs and days old food.
Harry frowned. “Maybe someone broke in?”
There was a slight pop announcing Kreacher's arrival, and the aged house elf looked even more sour than he usually did.
“Childish master's irresponsible godson has arrived.” he sent Fleur a disapproving glance. “And he's brought a criminal along, oh what joy!”
“Hey there, Kreacher.” Harry waved. “What's up with all this?”
The elf rolled his eyes. “Why don't you ask the idiot? He's soiling old master's study as we speak.”
Harry gave the elf a friendly nod. “Thanks for letting me know, Kreacher. Come on, lets go, Fleur.”
Once they'd left the room, Fleur shook her head. “I have never seen a house elf that acts in that manner.”
Harry shrugged. “Sirius’ parents were super traditional. They left Kreacher to him when they retired, Sirius thinks having a cranky house elf is funny.”
The hallway was just as messy as the drawing room, with the troll leg umbrella stand tipped over onto the floor.
When they reached the study, they found Sirius hunched over his desk, head between his hands.
“Er… Padfoot?” Harry had never seen his godfather like this.
Sirius’ head snapped wildly upon hearing Harry's voice. He was unshaven, his hair looked matter and his eyes were red from a lack of sleep.
“Sirius, is everything alright?”
Harry made to rush over to his godfather, but a raised hand from Sirius stopped him in his tracks.
“How dare you show your face? After what you did?”
“What I did?”
Sensing the palpable tension in the air, Fleur took a step forward, holding her hand out. “Excuse me, lord Black. My name is Fleur Delacour. It is a pleasure to meet you.”
Sirius eyed Fleur with those same crazy eyes, and Harry began to worry that his godfather had been inflicted with a heavy dose of the Black madness.
“You're a hot blonde chick with tattoos.” He said blandly.
“...Yes?”
Sirius shifted his glare onto Harry once more. “How dare you!”
Sirius turned around and plopped back down onto his seat, sobbing openly as Fleur sent Harry a confused look.
Harry was beginning to put things together, though, especially once he noticed quite a few prominent posters missing from his godfather's study.
“Sirius, can you just tell me what's got you so pissed? Or do I need to call Remus over?”
Sirius froze at the thought of receiving a scolding from Remus. It was enough to get the man to stop sniffling and turn to face them.
“Seven years running, Harry, seven years! I was Britain's Most Eligible Bad Boy for seven fucking years! So, picture my face when Eleanor from Witch Weekly sends me an advanced copy of next month's Bad Boy Issue!”
Sirius opened his drawer and pulled out a magazine, tossing it towards them as if it were on fire.
Fleur caught the magazine and Harry sidled up next to her as they inspected the cover.
In big, bold letters, the headline read:
HARRY POTTER: ENGLANDS *NEW* MOST ELIGIBLE BAD BOY!
Below were several more damning taglines:
Sirius Black: Dethroned by His Own Godson!
Gertrude Bulstrode: We ask Miss Ogre 1994 the tough questions! What is her makeup routine? Is she the secret member of Potter's coven?
On the cover was a photograph of Harry with all the coven members surrounding him.
Except, they had obviously not agreed to any kind of photoshoot, and so what had been published was a very badly done composite shot that tried to blend several different pictures together. The magic was out of sorts, and so the thirteen year old Harry on the cover was currently cradling the baby picture of Susan while Lily's yearbook picture was trying to cover up Bellatrix from her bikini shoot.
“This is a photograph from before my tattoos!” Fleur said as she looked at a very serious and morose twelve year old veela.
“Wait, since when did Angelina wear coke bottle glasses?” Harry asked.
“That is beside the point!” Sirius roared. “You have betrayed me! My own godson, usurping my throne! You knew how badly I wanted that eighth, Harry! Eight is the most powerful magical number there is!”
“I thought you'd be proud of me, Sirius.” Harry knew there was no use in pointing out how ridiculous his godfather was being, so he'd just have to play along. “I learned about covens after I listened to your show. And that's not to mention all the little nuggets of truth you've dropped throughout the years.”
That seemed to finally mollify Sirius. “Oh… yeah, that is a good point. I turned you into a lean mean pipe laying machine, didn't I?”
“Besides.” Fleur added, trying to control her laughter as she spoke, “Now that Harry has raised the bar, you can really go all out for next year, truly challenge yourself.”
“Challenge myself?” Sirius's eyes filled with wonder. “I have been getting pretty stagnant lately. Now that Harry's gunning for my throne, I can really start getting outrageous. I could propose to a chick and then dump her for her mother during the wedding ceremony, I could-”
“Hey, Siri, maybe don't say those out loud, wouldn't want me to steal them.”
“Hah! You're right! I'll keep my plans close to the vest.”
Harry rolled his eyes. “Anyways, now that that's resolved, we could use your help with something…”
Comments
Erinnyes
This was the absolute best sort of crack. Amazing. The best part is the Hogwarts safety inspection is something that could be completely canon compliant.
