Lurk
patreon
Dueling Hearts CH 38
🕑 Added 2024-07-18 00:56:59 +0000 UTC“How's he holding up, doctor?”
The mediwitch looked solemn, which did nothing to lift Minerva and Filius’ moods.
“Does he have any next of kin?”
McGonagall gasped while Flitwick's face paled considerably. “Surely it can't be that bad, doctor!” The charms professor exclaimed.
“Oh, no, he won't be dying, I just need to fill out this form.” She held up her clipboard.
“The headmaster still hasn't woken up?” Minerva asked, craning her neck to try and get a look into the room.
“Albus Dumbledore locked himself inside of a glass box and then placed himself into a magically induced coma. Until we break through the enchantments on the box, we cannot hope to bring him out of that coma. I have made a request for curse breakers, but the hospital director tells me they're all booked for quite some time.”
Minerva and Filius shared a look, both letting out deep sighs.
“He has a brother named Aberforth, though he's wanted in both Scotland and Ireland for breaking obscenity laws…”
The mediwitch nibbled at the end of her quill. “But not in England, right? Give him a shout and see if he'll sign.”
“You know, he left a note.” Flitwick said.
“Oh Merlin.” Minerva groaned as Flitwick pulled out a crumpled up piece of parchment from his robe.
“Wake me up when September ends.” Filius read aloud.
“I don't think we need to read any further, Filius.” Minerva said.
“No, no, I disagree, the Headmaster could have left clues on how to break through his self-imprisonment.” The mediwitch insisted.
Minerva glared at the woman before turning to her colleague. “Very well, go on, Filius.”
Flitwick cleared his throat. “Wake Me Up When September Ends: a poem by Albus Dark'ness Dementia Dumbledore.”
Filius then launched into the poem, the diminutive professor pouring his heart and soul into the rendition of the headmaster's maudlin words, dripping with teenaged angst.
“Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Minerva wont let me be me
She's always such a bore.”
“Woah, he truly is a man of many talents.” The mediwitch said as Filius continued on as Albus waxed poetically about Minerva not understanding his eccentric robes, his love for lemon drops or his need to put children in mortal peril.
In the end, both Flitwick and the mediwitch were wiping tears from their eyes while Minerva had her arms crossed, tapping her foot impatiently.
“Its like you can feel his pain!” Filius said.
“Your rendition was masterful, professor, you should get into performing.”
“I have led the Hogwarts choir for quite a few years.” Flitwick said.
Minerva sighed as she stared at the door, behind which lay the headmaster. For all his eccentricities, Albus Dumbledore was Hogwarts, and with him out of the picture, she feared for the future of their storied institution.
…
“I can't believe we're here again.” Paul Greengrass said as he swirled the glass of cheap wine that Lord Black had provided for the occasion. Paul knew it was a cheap wine, not just because he was a connoisseur, but because Sirius had left the bottle prominently displayed with the price tag still attached, simply because it was shaped like a woman's body.
“We swore off after last time, but we could have never anticipated circumstances like these.” Anastasia told her husband as she downed her glass of wine. She was polishing them off much faster than him.
“All things considered, I'd rather be here because my Nymmy joined a freaky sex cult over having to endure another one of my cousin's funding pitches for his stupid radio program.” Andromeda said. Her husband Ted nodded along. “Honestly, considering our Nymmy, this is actually a positive outcome for her. I thought she'd get in trouble for sexual harassment at some point.”
Others were not so positive and accepting of the circumstances. Edgar and Bethany Bones were clutching each other, looking very concerned indeed.
“Our Susie has always been such a good girl, I just don't understand.” Edgar said.
“It was all that time we spent away on the circuit, Ed. Maybe, if we'd been home more often, she'd not have become the heiress of Hufflepuff!”
Anastasia rolled her eyes. “You do know that her being the heiress means one of you passed it on to her, right?”
Edgar and Bethany seemed to fill with despair at these words, clutching each other even tighter as Bethany wailed.
“I just hope it doesn't interfere with Angie's quidditch training.” Abeli Johnson, a tall, athletic looking woman said in a serious tone. “This dueling stuff is already eating into her training time. She needs to get more reps in if she wants to impress the scouts! And she better not even think of getting knocked up until she's forty!”
With a small pop, Kreacher drew their attention as he appeared in the room, his gnarled face twisted in an ever present snarl.
“Idiot master and his degenerate associates are ready to see you now. Do not steal anything, I have placed curses on everything of value.”
He bowed deeply as he swept one arm to the door which led to the drawing room, which swung open dramatically.
Andromeda laughed to herself. “Classic Kreacher.”
“Ladies, gentlemen, Andi! Welcome to my shag pad! The dog pound. The zone of sex, the-”
“Sirius, if you value your valuables, you'll cut the shit and take us to our children.” Andromeda snapped.
Sirius cringed. “Right, come along then.”
He led the group from the antechamber into the drawing room, where the room had been cleared, and at the center stood the coven (and Lavender), providing a united front as their family members were ushered over towards two rows of foldable metal chairs.
“These things are supremely uncomfortable.” Paul said as he took a seat on the hard, unforgiving surface.
Bellatrix wore a knowing smirk as she sent Daphne a subtle nod. “Select the field of battle, keep them off balance. Well done.” She stage-whispered to the girl.
“You know we heard that loud and clear, right, Bella?” Andromeda asked her sister.
Lily clapped her hands together to divert everyone's attention. “Hello, parents, thank you for gathering here on such short notice! I'm sure we're all very eager to work through this issue and come out stronger as an extended coven family. Now, I think we should start by hearing your side- ah!”
Lily yelped as Bellatrix pinched her, “Don't give them an advantage!”
It was too late.
“Susan, dear, please, it's not too late to come back into the light! Renounce your evil Hufflepuff ways!” Bethany begged her daughter.
Harry, meanwhile, had made eye contact with Daphne's parents, and he suddenly felt quite nervous. “Erm, sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Greengrass. I know this isn't exactly what you wanted for Daphne.”
Anastasia waved the teen off. “Don't worry about it, Harry, we don't blame you.”
“We don't?” Paul asked his wife.
“It was clearly Daphne who orchestrated this whole thing, dear. You know she's always been a bit off.”
“Off?” Daphne asked in an offended tone.
“I don't mean it in a bad way, honey. I'm just saying, the obsession with films, counting your steps when you walk-”
“Plus the whole train thing.” Paul added.
“DAAAD! I stopped liking trains when I was five!” Daphne whined.
“She almost creamed herself when she saw the Hogwarts Express.” Anastasia whispered to Andromeda.
“Angie, have you told this coven of yours you have to attend Mikhaila Krushev's Siberian boot camp during easter break?” Abeli asked her daughter.
Angelina smacked her forehead. “I completely forgot about that! Mum… err… maybe we could reschedule? There's the whole dueling tournament going around at school and all that…”
Angelina's mother looked positively incensed. “I knew it! You're going to throw away a legendary quidditch career for some clams and a hot dog! This is insane!”
“Mum, dad, but I like being evil.” Susan insisted to her parents. “I finally get to be a badass. I even have an evil familiar.” Susan reached down to her side and picked up Mortimer, who blinked sleepily back at them.
Susan's parents reared back, hands going to their faces as if Mortimer was going to claw them off. “Hufflepuff's monster!”
Bellatrix growled. “Are you two not duelists? Where is your pride?” She nudged Harry. “See, what did I tell you about those doubles specialists? All a bunch of sissies.”
“Nymmy, you didn't blackmail your aunt Lily into accepting you, did you?” Ted asked his daughter, who huffed in frustration.
“Why do you think they wouldn't want me in the coven all on my own, dad?”
“Its just… you have a track record, dear.” Andromeda said, “Either way, we're just happy for you, honey!” She tacked on hastily.
While all these conversations were occuring at the same time, Lily was nervously wringing her hands, Sirius was taking in the growing chaos with a child-like smile, and Lavender was nudging Fleur on the side.
“Kind of makes you glad your folks didn't make it, huh?”
Fleur stared blankly at the girl. “My parents are dead.”
“Oh.” Lavender cringed. “I feel your pain, my bunny died last year.”
Daphne was glaring daggers at her parents, and she squared up on her mother in particular. “Well, just so you know, mum, I first found out about covens from one of your books.”
Anastasia's eyes widened as everyone else quieted down, their focus now completely on the mother and daughter.
“What?” Paul barked, glancing at his wife. “What is she talking about?”
Anastasia gulped. “I-It was nothing, dear, just some light, fantasy reading that happened to include some elements of-”
“It was eighty percent smut, twenty percent plot, dad. One of the coven members was a horse!” Daphne said.
“He was a horse animagus, Daphne! He just chose to remain a horse the entire time.” Anastasia cringed as she realized what she'd just said.
“That sounds kinky as hell. How old were you when you read that, Daph?” Tonks asked.
“Anastasia, I-I can't believe...”
“Oh, cut the crap, Paul! Don't pretend like you don't have a stack of centaur calendars you've been hiding for years!”
Paul sputtered, his face paling rapidly. “I-I… t-the… their anatomy is quite intriguing.”
“I'm sure it is.”
Sensing an opportunity, Lily seized the moment, “This is good. This goes to show that deep down, all of us have desires that society considers taboo. You two are into weird animal sex, perhaps that will help strengthen your bond as a couple. Andi, Ted, come on, own up…”
The Tonkses shared a look before Andromeda sighed. “We… um… we do enjoy a spot of inferi play here and there.”
“Inferi play?!” Bellatrix looked at her sister in horror as Nymphadora looked as if she was going to throw up. “That sounds absolutely-”
“Mrs. Johnson?” Lily said loudly, cutting Bella off.
Abeli looked back at Lily with a raised eyebrow. “My only sexual gratification comes from a well executed quaffle feint, or watching pensieve memories of the eight-six Harpies. That hardly qualifies as degenerate.”
“That might actually be worse.” Harry said.
“What about you two? You must be into some really fucked up shit.” Bellatrix asked Bethany and Edgar.
“No. Not at all. Missionary with the lights off is all we need.” Edgar said firmly.
Bethany frowned. “Dear… there is that thing we do… where sometimes I turn over and you do me from behind.”
Edgar's eyes widened. “My stars! You're right!” He looked at Susan, tears welling up in his eyes as he held his arms out for a hug. “Oh my sweet child, we judged you while being degenerates ourselves! Who are we to cast stones?”
Just like that, the Bones family were pulling each other into a tight hug. Meanwhile, a horrified Nym was bent over the floor, gagging as she begged her mother not to go into any further details about inferi play. Daphne's parents were tentatively discussing their favorite parts of horse anatomy, and Angelina's mother was lighting up a cigarette as she walked over to Lily and Bella.
“Listen, just make sure the kid plays quidditch.”
“Mum, I was going to anyways.” Angelina insisted.
“Man, I should invite all of you onto the show. We'd pop a crazy rating.” Sirius said with a grin.
…
Several hours later found the coven saying their goodbyes to their family members, filled with warmth and a sense of accomplishment as they now knew that, no matter what the outside world threw at them, those they held dear would support them completely.
Andi was just about to leave through the floo when she shot Bellatrix and Sirius a predatory smirk. “You know, Cissy's dinner is tonight. I can't think of a better celebration of our renewed family bond than to see you guys there.”
Sirius snarled while Bellatrix scoffed. “Please, I've never attended one of those stuffy little outings, and I'm not about to start now.”
“Really, Bella? Because the alternative is me sending you howlers detailing just what exactly inferi play is, in graphic detail.”
“You wouldn't dare!”
Andi tilted her head to the side. “Wouldn't I? Would you like to try me?”
“These Blacks, their reputation truly does precede them.” Fleur whispered to the others.
Bellatrix looked murderous. She looked to Sirius for support, but her younger cousin just looked defeated. “Fine. Just this once. And I bring the whole coven.”
“What?!” Lily yelped.
“I was thinking we could play board games tonight. Mum is going to owl me my copy of Gringotts.” Susan said.
“Oooh, can I be the teller?” Daphne asked excitedly.
“Daph, last time you were teller we got locked into a vault and all the game keys melted away.” Harry warned.
“No, no board games. You're all coming with me! If I have to be miserable, we might as well all be miserable, as a coven!” Bellatrix spat.
Everyone else shared uncomfortable glances, until Fleur finally sighed. “This is a part of it, is it not? We are together for the good, we are together for the bad as well.”
“Good.” Bella smirked. “Now dress up, Cissy's the snootiest person I've ever met.”
…
They arrived at Malfoy Manor later that night. Everyone was dressed to the nines, and they'd been met by Ted and Andromeda at the gate. They were being led through the lush gardens by a pair of house elves.
“Jeez, she must spend a fortune on landscaping.” Daphne said.
“Yeah, well, she married Malfoy Moneybags for a reason.” Bellatrix said. “And it's not for his rugged masculinity.”
Sirius snorted. “Old prissy Malfoy. I tried taking him to a strip club once, looked like he was about to faint.”
Lily frowned. “You took a married man to a strip club? Maybe he was just being respectful of his wife.”
Sirius rolled his eyes. “Whatever.”
When they reached the grand double doors, they creaked open to reveal Narcissa Malfoy, tall, regal and splendidly dressed.
“Sirius, Andromeda, Bellatrix, and… several other people I did not invite.” She said with a growing frown.
“Well, sister, you wanted me here, and these are all my plus ones.” Bellatrix said.
Nymphadora waved at her. “Hey, there, auntie.” She said nervously.
Recognizing Nymphadora only seemed to sour Narcissa's mood. “Ah, yes, my niece.” Narcissa sighed. “Please, do come in.”
“I think she remembers.” Tonks whispered to Harry.
“Remembers what?” Angelina asked.
“I-I kinda copped a feel at a Celestina Warbeck concert.” She said shamefully.
Thankfully, Andromeda was not within earshot as the others shook their heads and laughed.
“I can't say I blame you, she looks pretty good.” Susan said. “Definitely takes care of herself.”
Lavender's eyes went wide. “The coven's closed! No more members after me.”
“You're not even in it.” Bellatrix pointed out.
“Are you people seriously going to stay outside and bicker all evening?” Narcissa called from inside.
They all hurried inside, where they were met with even more overwhelming opulence, a large foyer with a pair of grand staircases and a chandelier that looked like it was made exclusively out of gold and decorated with the largest diamonds any of them had ever seen.
“Lucius and Draco are waiting at the table.” She said as she led them into the dining room.
The rectangular dining table seemed to stretch out forever. It was a testament to Draco's new physique that they were still able to make him out on the far end, his gigantic shoulders each bigger than his neck-less head.
Draco was wearing an oversized suit, too loose in some parts and far too tight in others. Next to him sat Lucius, clad in a wide-brim hat and wearing sunglasses.
“Shades inside? Maybe old Lucy finally loosened up.” Sirius said as they all took their seats around the table.
“Potter.” Draco acknowledged gruffly.
“Malfoy.” Harry said, about as politely as he could manage.
“You are in my inner sanctum, Potter. A battle between us would surely level it to the ground. Out of respect for my mother and father, I propose a truce.”
Harry half-squinted at Malfoy, wondering just how deep the boy's self-illusions had gone. “Sure.” He said.
“Hey, there, Lucy! Nice get-up!” Sirius slapped Lucius on the back. Lucius seemed to begin tipping over, before jerking right back up, sitting ramrod straight.
“Is he drunk?” Bellatrix asked bluntly.
Narcissa smiled stiffly. “He is perfectly fine, aren't you, Lucius?” She looked to somewhere above him.
Lucius’ arm jerked up in a strange salute. It fell limply, bending at the elbow before his head tipped to the side and he gave a jerky nod. Finally, he collapsed back onto his seat.
“Holy shit! I take back everything I said about you, man, you're cool as fuck!” Sirius said. “Would you like to be on Up to no good?”
Lucius’ head jerked violently from side to side as Narcissa quickly sat down next to him, placing her hand over his own. “Lucius is a very busy man, Sirius, and I'm afraid he's lost his voice, sea witch incident.”
“You met a sea witch?” Fleur asked.
“Merlin, you've been holding out on me, Cissy.” Sirius said as he put his arm around Lucius’ shoulder as Narcissa cringed.
“I can attest to what mother said. Father has not said a word to me since I've arrived. At first, I thought he was left speechless by my magnificent physique.” Draco flexed his biceps, veins popping out grotesquely.
Bellatrix gagged. “Put that away, we're going to eat here. Which, by the way, where is the food, Cissa?”
“Ever so impatient, Bella.” Narcissa clapped her hands. “Bingo, Bongo, you may serve dinner.”
The two house elves moved to comply, and soon the table was full of roasted vegetables, pheasants, exotic fruits, caviar and an assortment of luxury foods.
“This is the whole point of this thing.” Bellatrix whispered to Lily. “It's so Cissa can show off how rich she is.”
Lavender piled her plate high with all kinds of things as Angelina looked on. “You're not going to eat half of that.”
Lavender stuck her tongue out. “Watch me.”
Fleur was quietly carving out some roast duck for herself while Tonks took them from her plate. Under the blonde's glare, Tonks laughed innocently. “Your slices are really neat!”
“Mother.” Draco called.
“Yes, Draco?”
“I need my chicken, broccoli and rice. And my shake, too.”
Narcissa rolled her eyes. “Of course, I must have forgotten. Bongo, if you would.”
A plate of plain, unseasoned chicken breasts with white rice and steamed broccoli appeared in front of Draco. It was a very hefty plate, and along with it was a tall glass filled with a light brown shake.
“Heh, while you gorge yourself on empty carbohydrates, Potter, I am exceeding my protein goals in a single meal.” Draco taunted as he began to wolf down his plate. Alternating between heaping mouthfuls of food and gigantic gulps of his thick shake.
“We're all seeing this, right?” Daphne whispered to Harry and Susan.
“Seeing what?” Susan asked.
“Mrs. Malfoy is pulling a Weekend at Bernie’s!”
“Weekend at Bernice's?”
“Bernies.” Harry corrected Susan. “And yeah, I just thought everyone agreed not to bring it up.”
“I mean, she's got a house elf behind a curtain moving him around with some strings. Its fucking surreal.” Daphne said.
Susan looked over, clamping a hand over her mouth as she saw the house elf shaped lump that was clearly manipulating Lucius Malfoy's body as his fork blindly stabbed at his plate, clinking on the fine china.
“Dear, if you're not hungry, just say so.” Narcissa hissed, glaring pointedly at the curtain until Lucius dropped his form.
“Oh, wow, I see what you guys mean.” Susan said.
“Seriously, is that the best she could come up with? I could think of a million different ways of pretending he's alive. We have magic for Merlin's sake.” Daphne said, seemingly more offended by Narcissa's terrible charade than by the fact they were dining with a corpse.
“I have a long running theory that magic and intellect are like oil and water.” Fleur leaned in to say.
“So, aunt Narcissa, been to any concerts lately?” Tonks gulped the moment the words left her mouth.
“Exhibit A.” Fleur said.
Narcissa's eyes narrowed. “No, not particularly, my dear niece.”
“Now that Bella's back, we should definitely go see Celestina Warbeck. I heard she might do a farewell tour soon!” Andromeda said.
“She's done five of those since I started my career.” Bellatrix grumbled.
“But she's really getting up there, Bella, this really could be the last one.” Lily said.
“You'd be invited along, Lily. The Black sisters and Lily Potter, we'd definitely stop a few hearts.” Andi said. “Nymmy, you liked her when you were younger, you could come along as well!”
Narcissa was glaring a hole through Tonks’ head as the metamorph took a hurried gulp of water. “I-I think I'm good, mum, I need to save up for Sisterfest anyways.”
“You know, my mum could get us all free tickets for the Quaffles.” Lavender interjected.
“They're still alive?” Narcissa asked.
“While you girls go out and see the Queefers or whatever, me and this old dog Lucy can hit up some clubs. Ain't that right?” Sirius asked, punching Lucius on the shoulder and wincing in pain. “Jeez, hard as a rock!” He waved his hand, “You must be jacked under there!”
“Superior Draco genes.” Draco said before letting out a loud burp.
“Manners!” Narcissa hissed.
“Sorry, mother.” Draco said before lifting his butt off the chair, letting out a silent, but extremely rancid protein fart.
To his left, Ted Tonks was hit by the full blast of the fart. His eyes grew watery and the food he'd just swallowed threatened to come back up. He pushed off the table, hands over his mouth, and managed to make it to a house plant before throwing up.
“Ted, are you alright? He's got a sensitive stomach.” Andi said as she pushed off her chair.
Harry, who was next in line, took one sniff and pushed off, grabbing Daphne's hand. “Errr… I think we're done.
Narcissa sighed, throwing her napkin on the table. “Let us retire to the den, then.”
“Mother, I need to work on my project.”
“You're dismissed, Draco.”
As Draco ran upstairs and everyone else left the table, Sirius looked down at the seated Lord Malfoy. “Come on, Lucius, it'll be boring without you.”
“My husband has to take his evening nap.” Narcissa snapped her fingers, and her house elves threw a satin cloth over Lucius, right there on the table.
“He just sleeps sitting down?” Lily asked.
“It does wonders for your back.” Narcissa said as they followed her to the den.
Everyone settled in the den, sitting around in a circle as Narcissa cleared her throat. “You… blonde girl, if you could turn the wireless on.”
Lavender perked up. “Sure thing!” She turned the knob and began messing with the dials.
“Just some soft music is fine.” Narcissa said.
As Lavender changed stations, Harry's ear perked up, having heard a familiar voice on one of them.
“Wait, hold on, go back a few.”
Lavender did just that stopping on a station as Rita Skeeter's voice boomed out.
“...fascinating. even more impressive to me is that, after only one day of publication, your autobiography is already going to receive an adaptation.”
“That is correct.” Said an oily voice.
“SNIVELLUS!” Snarled Bella and Sirius.
“What's he doing on Skeeter's show?” Angelina asked.
“Could you elaborate?” Rita asked.
“After some negotiations with acting Hogwarts Overlordress Umbridge, she has agreed that the floundering Hogwarts Art Project will do an adaptation of my life's story, as detailed in my book.”
“You don't think that's a conflict of interest? You being the Headmaster of a rival school and all?”
“Not at all. If those dunderhead Hogwarts students fail in the slightest to portray my deep pain and suffering, I will eviscerate them in my judging. I have very high expectations for them,”
“And what of Lily Potter leading the project, after you delve into your star-crossed romance so deeply in the book?”
“No comment.”
“Star crossed?!” Lily yelled.
“What is this book they keep banging on about?” Daphne asked.
“You don't know? They've been promoting it non-stop.” Narcissa said. “A copy was delivered to my home, even though I don't remember having ordered it.”
She reached down towards the coffee table, moving away a few magazines until she held up a hardcover book. On the cover was a picture of Snape, looking contemplative as he stared off into space. In big red letters, the title read: “My Struggle: The Love and Loss Of Severus Snape. But worst of all was the gigantic text, bigger than the title even, at the bottom, which read:
DEDICATED TO MY ETERNAL LOVE, LILY EVANS
....
So this is sorta back. Its not going to update as regularly as it did, and I can't even promise it'll be monthly, but I'll pick away at it here and there .
Comments
Jason Hutzel
still waiting for Draco to keel over after taking all those muscle potions
Eric Dettenrieder
I think Narcissa would make an excellent addition to the coven even they are technically full. It’s clear that Lucius is either dead or might as well be and I’m sure it’s been a long time since Narcissa has been given proper attention from a worthy partner.
Erinnyes
The weekend at Bernies routine was a lot of fun, thoroughly amusing chapter. :D
