DB Lazarus
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4. Integration
🕑 Added 2024-10-12 00:30:54 +0000 UTCI woke to an incessant beeping punctuated by intermittent hissing. I rolled my head to the side to follow two tubes to their respective machines: a ventilator and a battery of IV pumps. I was a patient in the ICU, and in critical condition. Yet, I could only sigh in relief for which the machine rewarded me with a loud honk.
It can’t be normal to be reassured by this sight. I racked my brain. I had to be forgetting something. I was sure of it.
An angry beep roused me from my thoughts. I straightened my arm reflexively, but I still shot a glance at the pump. It displayed the code I expected. The alarm stopped seconds later after my arm’s position no longer kinked my IV.
I leaned back and stared at the ceiling. White, square paneling of a drop ceiling. So boring. So utilitarian. Perfect for an ICU. I closed my eyes and took in the sounds. Harsh. Stochastic. Each one designed to raise an alarm. Yet, tension eased from my muscles with each outburst. I was home.
It was different from this angle. Normally, I looked into the room, not out. I also didn’t have to crane my neck to inspect the bags hanging from the IV pole.
Something was off. This should bother me.
Now, I really wanted to check on what was in those IV bags. I did the next best thing. I checked the bed for a call button. Nothing. Hidden under the blanket? I tried to lift my hands, but something on my wrist held them down. I shifted my left arm back and forth until I could see what holding them done. Restraints. How agitated had I been?
"You probably want that out." I turned my head towards the origin of the voice. A woman, arms crossed, leaned against the door frame to the entryway of my room. With the light behind her, I struggled to make out anything besides her blue scrubs and long white coat. However, it didn’t matter. She didn’t need them to affirm her authority. It dripped from each word she spoke. This was the ICU attending.
I went to answer, but I had a tube down my throat. I just nodded instead.
Ice broken, I had expected her to approach. Instead, she just stood assessing me, not bothering to offer either words of encouragement or a simple update.
“You know. It was touch and go for a bit, but you caught a lucky break. I would have hated to see the consequences if you hadn’t."
My eyes narrowed. “Consequences? What are you talking about?” Except my words came out as nothing more than an incoherent grumble. The ventilator added a honk to chide me for having the impertinence to anything more than breathe. I tried pointing at my ET tube, but my hand jerked to a stop. The restraints…
She didn’t move an inch. "You were quite agitated for a while."
Was I? Images of an endless forest and a dinosaur flashed through my mind. It had been so real. If I had even acted out some of that…
It didn’t matter now. With my head, I gestured towards my restraints. I was no longer agitated. Hence, she had no reason to stand there leaving me strapped down with a tube scratching the back of my throat.
“Don’t worry. The worst has passed.” She didn’t budge, making it clear that she would get to me when she was good and ready. “I think you're going to be fine…at least for now. But, I have some quick questions."
What? Who was this lady? She had the look and air of a doctor, but her bedside manner was...something to be desired.
As if reading my mind, she finally decided to enter. Pointing at the ET tube, "let's get this out of you.”
She stood over me and took a hold. Even at this distance I couldn’t make out any of her features. They blurred together into, leaving only the hint of a eyes, nose, and mouth. I needed my glasses.
Her fingernails scraped my skin, lifting up the edge of the tape fastening the tube in my mouth.
“You strike me as someone who likes to take it nice and slow." Before I could nod in affirmation, she ripped the tape off my mouth. A line of fire ran across my lips, damping as quickly as it arrived. “See not so bad.”
I furrowed my brow at her bedside manner. Forget not something to be desired. It was atrocious. How about at least pretending for the sake of professional courtesy? At least ripping off the tape hurt far less than expected.
She patted my head. “I am sure you have experienced worse.” Even if those words felt right, but my mind struggled to pull up a time when I had. I was not an adventurous person. “Now prepare to cough some."
She pulled the tube, and I hacked until I felt that I had coughed up a lung. I was sure it had been hours, but the clock only showed minutes.
"Thanks.” I tried again, but I couldn’t speak louder than a whisper.
“Save your breath. I doubt you damage your vocal cords with the tube, but you still need to give yourself a chance to recover. As I said, it was touch and go.” She must have noticed my expression. “Yes, that bad, but you pulled through without any divi--um, heroic measures.” She pulled the chair closer and sat in it. “That is better. At least one of us should be comfortable.”
I clenched my jaw, forcing down an angry retort. Her shift would be over soon. “I am sure you are busy. You can round on your other patients. A nurse or resident can--”
“Right now, I am focusing on you.” That authority returned in a heartbeat. I didn’t dare argue. “And right now, I want to know what you want to be?"
"Be?" She just nodded at my question. "Out of here?" And not that I can say it, done with you.
That got a small chuckle, though it had a sharp edge to it. I didn’t let my smile falter. No reason to piss her off unnecessarily.
She leaned in closer. "Fair enough. That will definitely come with time, but not quite yet. Let me rephrase it. What do you want to do with your life?”
Why was she asking me this? Did she not know my background?
She rolled her eyes and sighed in exasperation. “I know it is a silly question. I mean,” she raised her arms and moved them in a circle to showcase the room, ”look at this place. The answer is clear, but I have to ask. What do you want to do when you are all grown up?”
Had I been like this with patients? So patronizing? So devoid of empathy? How could she call herself a doctor? I could do a better…
My anger when out like a light. I could be a doctor, but was that what I really wanted?
My eyes panned over the room. I had spent 80 hours a week in a place like this for the last six years. I had spent another two before that doing clinical rotations as a student. It was cold and sterile. It sucked the life out of you after not sleeping for over thirty hours straight and running between coding patients. Somehow, it was so comforting, and yet, I was giving it up, letting people like her carry the torch of my profession.
If I had just found my path earlier…. I couldn’t do another residency or fellowship. Better to be done than to do another few years of training. I was too old for this—even if I could do a better job than she did no matter how burnout I became.
"It’s quiet here." Strangely quiet. As if I was the only patient here. But then again, someone had dimmed the lights in the hall. It must be night. The ICU was always quieter and darker at night.
She didn't respond to my digression. She sat patiently, waiting me out.
My nose itched. I tried to raise my hand to scratch it, but again my arm only lifted inches from the bed. I eyed restraint, but she made no attempt to get up and remove them. I sighed before letting my head fall back against the pillow.
“I don’t know.”
She shook her head. “No. That won’t work.”
I jerked up from the bed, only the restraints on my arms to arrest my momentum. “This has gone on long enough. Please remove my restraints.”
“Not until you answer the question.”
My eyes narrowed. “What?”
“You heard me.”
My jaw clenched. My stomach churned. I stared at her with a look that could kill. She didn’t flinch. In fact, she just smiled.
We sat there and battle of wills. Her question wormed itself deeper into my mind. I tried to ignore it and focus on my anger, but I struggled seeing the antithesis of my profession’s ideals in front of me.
In the end, I broke first. After all, she was the ICU Attending, a questionably unethical one at that. She had so many ways to make my life miserable. An answer was a cheap price for freedom.
“Fine. If you want the truth, I always saw myself as a doctor, but that didn’t work out for me.” I raised up my arms. “Now get these off me.”
She didn’t even shift in her chair. “You didn’t answer the question.”
“What do you want? I would be a doctor in a world where the system didn’t suck and where you actually had time to care for your patients. But seeing as that isn’t possible, I went a different way. I am going to do my time with big pharma until I do.”
"So a doctor, and a damn good one.”
“Didn’t you just—“
I stopped short, my mind actually processing the unexpected compliment.
She smiled. “Yes. You have a gift, even if you don’t dare believe it.” She shifted and tapped her fingers on the arm rest. “Is that it? You would be a doctor, or let’s call it a physician to be more precise in world without all the inefficiencies of medicine?”
I let out an exasperated sigh and played almost with her game. Anything to be done with her. “Sure. In that hypothetical would, I would be doc—physician. but since that—“
“What about a ranger, or a mage, or perhaps a...spellsword? Those are always popular.”
“Really?” This time, I couldn't keep all the anger from my voice. “Is this some twisted game? What more do you need to hear to let me out of here? I have always wanted to help, to heal, but first my hands and then the system that is modern medicine could make it impossible to do so.”
“And just to be sure, not a healer?”
"A healer? That's not why I went to medical school.”
She didn’t even flinch at the acerbity that had slipped into my response. “I will take that as a no.”
I burst through the water, gasping for air. Somehow, I had survived—for now.
The current took me in an instant. Stars exploded before my eyes, and my vision dimmed as my head cracked against a solid surface. I coughed and flailed, trying to grab onto whatever I had hit. Whether rock or wall, the force of the water tore me from it. My fingers kept slipping until they finally found a hold.
I pulled my head out, struggling to maintain my grip as the rush of water flowing over my arms threatened to push me back under. I kept swallowing what felt like gallons of water for every second I held on. Amidst the chaos, I tried to get my bearings, but I could only make out the steep sides of the cliff face.
My body shivered from exertion and the chill. Already the cold had seeped deep into my bones. I couldn’t feel my fingers nor my injured foot. Only adrenaline kept me awake. This wasn’t going to work, even if I could actually hold on. I had to let go.
After stealing one good breath, I released my tenuous grip. I rotated onto my back to get a view of what was coming. I wished I hadn’t. All I saw was water filled with rapids and endless, steep walls lining the edges.
I slammed into a rock and then another. My legs weathered each blow until I struck hard while leading with my bad leg. My body twisted as it collapsed under the force of the blow. I spun around to face down the river, cracking the side of my head on a boulder.
My ears rang, and my vision swam. I spun and hit another rock, but this time my arms took most of the impact. I expected more, but none came. I rolled over to be feet first. I blinked, clearing the water from my eyes.
Smooth water?
I blinked again, my vision becoming sharper each time. Yes, the water was placid. It was also speeding up.
I pushed my tired body to try swim against the increasing current. My strokes became more frantic as rapids had disappeared. Soon the only white water existed from my desperate splashing and the little caps along a line of small ripples…a line of small ripples that had blue above it. Not just any blue. Crystal blue. The same color of the sky I had awoken to.
A goddamn waterfall. Out of the frying pan and into the fire.
I screamed curses at the sky, at the god or being that had brought this on me. At least, I thought I did. Between the ringing in my ears and the increasing roar of the falls, I heard nothing, but I did manage to choke on water. By the time I finished coughing, I was falling again. This time, I wasn't so lucky.
***
I slammed the back of my head against the thin pillow, trying to bury may annoyance and to calm down. She probably hadn’t meant spiritual healers and their ilk, but I didn’t correct her. While there were plenty of other professions that healed, better to draw a line. I had cared for one too many patients that die years before their time because a charlatan claimed to be able to cure their cancers. The conversations I had when those miracle treatments inevitably failed never went well.
"It will be a long road."
I shrugged. “It already has been,” but being a doctor started, not stopped, with residency. A doctor was forged and then honed through years of experience. "A doctor never stops learning."
She nodded. "I can’t argue the choice, but don't say I didn't offer you another option. Even if your potential wouldn’t be as great, you still would have the makings of a phenomenal mage."
I jerked my head over. I hadn’t even heard her stand up. "Who are--" Her look shut down my anger. For the first time in our conversation, her face resolved into something more than a featureless blur.
Had this all been an act?
Most of the details failed to crystallize, but some remained. A half smile had none of the callousness of before. Eyes reflecting the same sadness in her smile.
Those eyes. I couldn’t pull away even as the sadness threatens to drown me. It filled those pale blue and midnight black pools--
That heterochromia. Only one other person had them. “Wait!”
She reached out and put her hand on my head. With just a touch, it held me fast. She kneeled, bring her lips next to my ear to whisper, “I apologize for this interaction. It was…unbecoming given the size of the debt I owe you. Unfortunately, my hands were bound.” A weight pushed on my consciousness. “Keep that anger. You will need it.” I struggled to speak more words, to stay awake. I failed in both. Just as darkness took me again, a whisper echoed, "I'll be waiting.”
Class Obtained: [Physician: Level 1]
[Enhanced Memory] Obtained
Lesser @#$%^& Boon Granted: [Enhanced Memory → Eidetic Memory: Medicine]
