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A review of An Average Serena Morning
🕑 Added 2023-03-04 23:47:05 +0000 UTCCheck out Silva and the story here! https://www.deviantart.com/silvadarkmoon/art/An-Average-Serena-Morning-920211374
I love short day in the life vignettes, and this one is no exception! This one might take about 10-15 minutes to read.
There's not much to say aside from that I had a fun time reading it. I suspect I needed to start somewhere to know who Serena is, but even without that, the story stood alone just fine.
Three bits of critique on the writing:
1. The prose can be a little circuitous sometimes. This is where the thesaurus and a change of sentence structure can help.
"The Omnigoddess stretched casually, raising her arms above her head. This casual motion"
Something like this can easily be reworded for better flow.
2. Show and bait on the twists
"Reality practically moaned as Serena moved her divine body, in fact she did. Reality was a good girl, currently sleeping peacefully in the bed beside her, having been Serena’s toy for the night before."
This could be played to better effect. It looks like we're supposed to expect a twist that Reality is an actual girl, but the twist is told to us immediately and not really shown.
The way I would've written it (and this is just me, your personal tastes may vary of course!) would be to have reality moan and quake and planets and universes wobble and minor cataclysms yada yada and then reveal that all of it was in a girl next to her.
3. Make sure the audience understands what is happening
For omnipotent stuff, I find this doubly important, because there are no rules and anything can happen at any time.
Right here, it took a few scans for me to get the point. This is a more less omnipotent related issue, and more a "I don't know who the pronoun refers to." But the omni part does confound it even more, for me at least.
"As her perfect hands molding the surface of the planet, Serena thought of her girlfriend. She was currently soaking in a bath, her body practically teasing her. She was winking, knowing her goddess girlfriend was watching."
It's obvious to me in hindsight that Serena's girlfriend is the one taking the bath and doing the things (reword the sentences a little bit too), but it did take me more than one scan. And maybe you didn't get tripped up by it, but I generally go out of my way to make sure things are clear. Alethiea's name shows up in the very next sentence, so I would have just used her name immediately, e.g. Alethiea was currently soaking in a bath, teasing the omni-goddess-of-all-reality by twirling soap suds over her barely covered nipples and lifting her luscious legs out of the ocean she used as her personal bathtub—that kind of stuff.
The other thing was that it was hard for me to picture how Serena was making the planet. She's moving her hands around, and I assume it's intentionally vague because of the ending, but my preference is still to give the reader a clear picture. The ending can still be a fun little surprise with the same effect.
Overall, fun stuff. Silva is cool, give them a follow!!
Feel free to suggest more in the comments below!
