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MwaM; Ch 08: Yellow, Yellow Dirty Fellow
🕑 Added 2025-06-29 12:12:22 +0000 UTCAuthor's Note: Hello there, this is chapter 08 of Merc with a Mouth. I really hope you will like it.
Also, congratulations to our Guildmasters: Camo, I am Lord Dems, StormFox, RyanMK666, PenguGoesVroom, Hydrus Black and Darth Josh! 😇🥰
Now, without any further ado....Let's begin!
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Merc with a Mouth
-Dev Sagittarius Black
~~Chapter 08: Yellow, Yellow Dirty Fellow~~
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“CARTER!” McGonagall cried in shock as she rushed to pick up the hat while Dumbledore stood from his chair.
“What was the meaning of that?”
“I should be the one asking you that, Dumbledore.” Harry glared. “What the fuck was that thing?”
“Mr Carter I’d prefer it if you didn’t use such words in my office.” The Chief Warlock frowned. “And that is the sorting hat. It’s an artefact of Godric Gryffindor that reads the memories and thoughts of the person so that it could sort them in a particular house.” Dumbledore explained.
“I didn’t know mind-reading hats were trending these days.” Harry said, sarcastically. “Imagine sitting in the office, and suddenly you hear a voice in your head. What would be your reaction?”
Dumbledore opened his mouth but then closed it again. It was a valid point, and they just never thought about it because usually the first years would be too scared to do something like that, and McGonagall would tell them what was going to happen anyway.
“I apologise for the unprompted surprise; it wasn’t my intention.” Dumbledore shook his head. “We just never came across a situation where we had to sort an old student, so it slipped my mind to inform you about it.”
“And what about my privacy?”
“The hat has been sealed with runes and therefore cannot reveal anything it reads to anyone else other than the person. In fact, the magic of the hat forces it to forget the person after 2-3 years.”
Harry looked back at the hat that was in McGonagall’s hand. It had been almost a decade since anyone had referred to him as Harry Potter, and his involuntary reaction had been to throw the hat as far away as possible.
Once more, the mercenary wore the hat, this time readying himself for the mental probe.
“That was quite rude of you, Potter.” The hat began. “You didn’t even let me scare you.”
‘Not my fault the headmaster forgot to mention that part now, is it? How was I supposed to know that a hat could read my mind?’
“Ah, well, I should be offended, but you put on a nice show back there. It was quite amusing to watch Albus be put down like that.” The hat said, “And it seems you have somehow managed to offend his deputy as well.”
‘That’s the deputy?’ Harry asked, turning to look at McGonagall, who was watching them curiously. ‘No wonder she was so uptight.’ He thought as he felt the hat sifting through his mindscape. ‘So what now?’
“I am used to sorting young minds, Potter, and they are almost as clean as a slate. Therefore, it’s quite easy to sort them into a house that would help them grow.” The voice grumbled in his mind. “A fully grown adult’s mind is way more complex. Not to mention you’re quite different from usual students.”
‘You’re a hat. A talking hat whose job is to sort students. ’ Harry pointed out, ‘Stop being a hypocrite.’
“Touché." Harry could feel the hat smirking. “Now, where to put you?”
‘That’s easy, Hufflepuff.’
“You’d eat them alive by evening. No, I can’t take that much risk.”
‘Hufflepuff means I’ll be able to finish my job better, hat. I’m not here to study and enjoy my good days.’ Harry argued. ‘Send me to Hufflepuff.’
“But that house isn’t ready to have someone like you, Potter. You’re way more suited for Slytherin or Gryffindor. You’re too chaotic for Hufflepuff.”
‘And you’re too old to exist, yet here you are. Sitting on a shelf and sorting children once a year.’ Harry shrugged. ‘Send me to Hufflepuff. I won’t kill them, you know.’
“I can read your mind, Harry; your Occlumency shields, although impressive, can never stop me.”
‘Alright, I promise I won’t.’
“Burning them alive is killing.”
‘How about now?’
“That still counts as killing.”
‘How about—’
“That’s worse. They’ll die from the blood loss.”
‘What if I—’ “Ahem.”
Both Harry and the hat turned to look at the irritated transfiguration professor. “Yes?” They asked in unison.
“The first years are waiting, and it’s getting late.” She said, “Can’t you sort him a bit quicker? It’s just one boy.”
“An adult’s mind is far more complex than a child’s.” The hat grumbled. “It’s not my fault Carter has so many….interesting things to think about.”
Dumbledore frowned a bit, trying to think as to what could be going inside the merc’s head that was making something as anthropophobic as the sorting hat stay a bit longer with him. The hat didn’t want to be worn by even him, saying that his thoughts made it want to die.
How could a hat even die?!
“I guess we’ll have to continue this later, Potter.” The hat continued. “McGonagall’s getting itchy, and she’s the one who carries me around. I don’t want to be shredded after I’ve sorted the first years.”
‘Understandable.’ Harry nodded, ‘Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.’
“True, true, and you’d better remember that with the number of women you have been sleeping around.” The hat chuckled before adding. “Don’t want any angry girl coming after the Potter jewels now, do we?”
‘Eh, they know what they’re getting into.’ Harry replied. ‘It’s not like I’m fooling them or anything.’
“I don’t think I should give you advice on sleeping around, Potter.” The voice chuckled, “Though I do have something that I want from you.”
‘Oh?’ Harry raised his eyebrows. ‘And what could the Lord of talking hats want from a mere human? Found a scarf that you want to charm?’
“No need to be cheeky, brat.” The hat said. “What I want is company. Sitting here on a shelf for a year with nothing but useless dronings from the portraits only to be placed on children’s heads is boring.” It sighed. “Give me company, and I’ll give you your house.”
'I'd have denied, but out of my first three conversationists here, you were far more interesting than the other two.’ He said. ‘Alright, then. You have a deal, but I want something more.’
“I can see what you want…..”
‘It’d be good. Don't you agree?’
“Well, I suppose it has been quite some time since I was involved in something like this.” The hat just chuckled before its rim opened. “Remember your end of the deal, Potter, and you better be….HUFFLEPUFF!!”
McGonagall quickly removed the hat and left the office as she went to welcome the first years who were already waiting for her at the door.
“Anything else, Headmaster?”
“I suppose I can’t ask you how you convinced the hat to sort you into Hufflepuff?”
“What do you mean, convince, sir? Do you think the hat made a mistake by sending me there?”
Dumbledore just shook his head. What was done was done, and there was no use in arguing anyway.
“You are free to join sixth-year Hufflepuffs in the Great Hall. I hope you remembered the passage.”
“Yeah, don’t worry about that.” Harry stood from his chair and picked a handful of sherbet lemons before he left the office, waving at the portrait of Phineas Nigellius, who was glaring at him.
Dumbledore sighed when the door closed behind the merc and turned to the corner where Harry had thrown the hat. “At first I didn’t believe you, but I suppose you were telling the truth.” The old man sighed. “He's indeed quite similar to being one of them.”
There was a slight shimmer before the invisibility cloak was removed and the scarred face of Alastor Moody came into view. The veteran Auror waddled towards the recently vacated seat and sat with a small grunt.
“I told you, Albus.” The Auror placed the cloak on the table. “That boy looks too much like James Potter. Now, tell me when to restart the investigation for Harry Potter, and where should we begin?”
⁂
Soon enough, Dumbledore joined the rest of his staff in the Great Hall. He gave a small nod to the teachers as he took his seat at the table. The old headmaster smiled at the students who were excitedly chirping with their friends, telling each other about where they went during their vacations and how they spent their lazy summer mornings in the comforts of their soft beds.
The Headmaster smiled when he remembered his own summer holidays, where most of the time would be spent either reading under the trees or playing with his siblings, Ariana and Aberforth, in the backyard of their ancestral home.
Good old days. A moment in time that can only be remembered and never returned to, even with all the magic in the world.
The doors opened, and McGonagall entered the Hall, followed closely by a large group of thirteen-year-old children who were watching everything with wonderstruck eyes. It amused him every time when this particular entry of his deputy made her seem like a mother duck with her little ducklings walking behind her.
The hat sang its song, and they politely clapped before the woman started explaining the sorting process to the young ones.
The Chief Warlock smiled when he remembered the latest debacle that had happened in his office a few minutes ago. It had indeed been quite careless of him to not explain the sorting process to the young merc who was sitting…..Dumbledore frowned when he noticed that Harry Carter wasn’t in the Great Hall.
He looked for the boy at the Hufflepuff table and then the other tables only to find that the green-eyed merc was indeed absent from the feast. He wasn’t surprised, as it was quite normal for someone to forget the paths during their first times, but this made him wonder if the boy was actually as capable as his records made him seem.
After all, how would he complete his missions if he was that forgetful?
Dumbledore suspected that either one of the moving staircases or Peeves the friendly Poltergeist got the wayward mercenary. He was about to summon his personal house elf, Toffee, so that he could bring the boy when something surprising happened.
Just as McGonagall was about to call the first child, the sorting hat opened its mouth and spoke in its amplified tone, “Today, after so many years, I had the delight of having the most thrilling conversation with the best mind of all of recent Hogwarts. A person who is as brave as the Gryffindors, as ambitious as the Slytherins and as intelligent as the Claws, but most of all, he was as hard-working and loyal as those in Hufflepuff.
Let me introduce you to the most charming, most brilliant and the most awesome man with the maximum number of man points and badassness….” He paused for a dramatic effect, “HARRYYYY CARTERRRR!!”
At the exact moment the doors to the Great Hall were banged open, and everyone stared at the tall newcomer who stood grinning in front of the hall in an all-black ensemble.
McGonagall openly facepalmed while Dumbledore blinked in obvious shock alongside other professors who went through the unexpected turn of events as the merc confidently strode inside and waved at Ginny and Luna, with the girls waving back at him.
One thing was for sure, and that was the fact that the young man had an unmistakable and loud charm, a subtle air of flaunted randomness and confidence that would make other males doubt themselves regarding their talents in impressing the fairer sex.
The merc smirked at the flabbergasted crowd, “Thank you, Hat.” He gave a small bow. “Well, I am Harry Carter; New student at Hogwarts, and I’ll be joining the sixth years as one of the Hufflepuffs. I hope to later make acquaintance with everyone, especially a few special ones.” He looked at Sue Li, whom he identified from Madam Malkin’s. The girl blushed and looked down in her lap at being thrown under the spotlight.
The rest of the student body stared at him, not even bothering to shy away as he scanned the Hufflepuff table and—thanks to the photos—easily spotted the buxom redhead, Susan Bones, who was watching him from her place between her friends Hannah and Justin.
Not a single seat had been left vacant around her; therefore, he searched for the closest one available and went towards a wide-eyed girl who had been watching him without blinking.
“Is this seat taken?”
“Err…no.” She shook her head.
“Perfect!” He plopped down beside her and extended his hand, “Harry Carter.”
“Megan Jones." The girl contemplated a bit before she accepted his handshake. “You made quite the spectacle, Carter. I bet either Professor Sprout or McGonagall would summon you quite soon.”
“Eh, they look good but definitely not my type.” He laughed when Megan’s eyes went wide.
Soon enough the sorting began, and slowly conversations returned to the Great Hall. The occupants were busy chatting about the obvious few topics: The new kid; Carter; The sorting hat; Harry; Hat and the new sixth-year Hufflepuff kid who was Harry Carter.
To everyone's surprise, even the sorting was going off the rails as the hat kept on sending every alternate kid to the house of the Badgers. After the twelfth badger, McGonagall suspected that this was another prank from Carter, and she poked the hat, asking the artefact to distribute the kids equally in the houses and according to their traits.
“It’s not my fault that they all want to go to the house of the awesome Harry Carter now, is it?” The hat grumbled. “Carter’s show has attracted attention, and every other kid wants to go to Hufflepuff. Be glad that I am at least successful in convincing a few of these to join other houses and not just blindly follow others.”
McGonagall pursed her lips and looked at the mercenary who was busy whispering something in Megan’s ear, which caused the girl to giggle before she shifted towards him.
Then she glanced at the curious face of her colleague Pomona Sprout and then at the headmaster, who smiled at her, his blue eyes twinkling merrily as he asked her to continue with the sorting.
The sorting finally ended, and neither McGonagall nor anyone else could believe that thirty out of the fifty-eight students who had been enrolled in the first year had been sorted into Hufflepuff, while the rest eighteen had been sorted into the other three houses together.
This had been the most unprecedented sorting, as Hufflepuff was usually the house that got the least number of members because of its false reputation as the weakest of the four and that the house didn't achieve anything significant.
Sprout was obviously delighted and made a mental note to thank Carter for the unexpected boost in her house’s reputation as well as the numbers.
Finally, McGonagall took the sorting hat away, and Dumbledore didn’t waste time in starting the welcoming feast. He clapped his hands, and almost immediately the tables were laden with trays of boiled and roasted potatoes, roast beef and chicken and lamb chops with gravy. Sausages, kidney pudding and a variety of stews, along with shepherd’s pie, Cornish pasties, black pudding and jugs of pumpkin juice, lemonade, fruit smoothies and milk.
“Hungry, are you?” Megan smiled as he began to pile his plate with an assortment of meat, vegetables and roasted potatoes and filled his goblet with water.
“I have a healthy appetite.” Harry nodded. “What about you? Is that enough?”
“For me, yeah.” She nodded, taking another bite from her steak. “I have to make sure I don’t eat too much, or it’ll be bad for my figure.”
“Eh, just exercise in the morning.”
“Not you too.” She groaned before explaining. “My sisters are hell-bent on waking up at five and exercising till eight, and it’s almost a sin if I’m sleeping past six during my vacations. Can you believe it? Waking up at six during summer vacation.”
“Your sisters?” Harry frowned.
“Yeah.” Megan nodded, “I’m the youngest of the famous Jones sisters.”
“Wait, famous?” Harry frowned. “Gwenog Jones?”
“And Hestia, yeah.” She nodded. “I’m more surprised how you didn’t guess it right away; most people here did.”
“Guess I’m not most people.” Harry shrugged, cutting a thin slice of his roasted chicken. “Have you gone to the team rooms?”
“Once.” Megan nodded. “It was right after Gwen had been signed by the Harpies.” She smirked at him. “Why? Do you want to meet them?”
“Nah, I’m not that hard into Quidditch.” Harry denied. “I’m more interested in knowing why the one in front of me doesn’t like waking up at six.”
“It’s too early. That’s—” “Ahem.”
Both Megan and Harry turned to look at the girl who sat at the girl’s other side.
“Hello, I am Leanne.” She smiled. “Megan’s friend and your fellow Puff whom this girl forgot to introduce.”
“Leanne—”
“I did think she was dull, but this just proves it.” Harry nodded, ignoring Mehan’s HEY! “Pleased to make your acquaintance, Leanne.”
The girl smiled at him. “So, I’ll ask the million galleon question first: where were you all this time?”
And just like that, Harry launched into explaining the fake story, making sure that everyone around him would listen to it and hoping that the school’s rumour mill would do its magic so that by the next morning, everyone at Hogwarts would know about the tragic story of Harry Carter, who had been forced to go to a cheap school because he didn’t receive his Hogwarts letter when he was thirteen.
⁂
Susan smiled at Justin as the boy explained how his family went to the USA during the holidays and what they did. The boy was one of the few people she had befriended during her first year, and much to her happiness, their friendship had not only survived but also strengthened through time.
Still, no matter how much she tried, her mind was still stuck on her aunt’s words and what she had asked before the two had separated: ‘I want you to increase your friend circle and make sure your friends have good interests.’
For years, she had been worried that someone might want to use her name because of her connection with Amelia Bones, which was why she had worked hard to make a small boundary with those whom she deemed unworthy of her close friendship.
And now, all of a sudden, her aunt wanted her to remove those walls, forge friendships again and see how it went. Why?!
It was quite hard as it is with Hogwarts’ in-house hierarchical atmosphere and the enmity they had with other houses, but now with the return of You-Know-Who….Susan could already see the disparity increasing between them.
Her attention was caught by the new guy in her year who was explaining about his childhood and how he was taught at a small school called ‘Silvergrove Academy’, which, unlike Hogwarts, was nothing more than a small school with a botanical garden and a small zoological park that was used to teach the students.
“He’s certainly something, isn’t he?” Hannah whispered in her ear. “Look at how casually he’s explaining his past with jokes and how his words have enraptured almost everyone in his vicinity.”
“He certainly seems to be someone who has a way with words.” Susan nodded. “A good orator who knows how to garner the attention of his audience and keep them on edge till the story is finished.”
“Oh, he certainly knows how to garner attention, alright.” Her friend chuckled.
“What do you mean?”
“Look at Megan. She’s practically leaning on Carter and smiling at him even when he’s not looking.” Hannah giggled. “And then we have Leanne, who’s been continuously talking with him for the last ten minutes, even though we all know that she’s not the type to talk with anyone for more than five minutes.”
The auburn-haired witch nodded. It was common knowledge that Leanne was an introvert who preferred to just stay in the background and give answers when asked. The only person they had seen her actively chat with was her best friend Katie Bell, who was in Gryffindor.
“There are a few others as well,” The blonde supplied. “Carter has the attention of almost all the girls around him, and none of them look like they are bored. He’s certainly a master at what he does, and he’s using his talents to engage as many people around him as possible.” She smiled. “Including you.”
Susan blinked, “Me? No, I was just—”
“Yeah, Susie, what were you doing again?” Hannah smirked at her friend. “Justin has been telling us all about his trip, and yet your attention has been pulled by Carter instead.”
“I was curious about his past; everyone is!” Susan attempted to busy herself with her meal. “Everyone is talking about him, and I am quite sure that soon enough he’ll be the talk of the week.”
“Of course everyone’s curious.” Hannah waved off. “He’s like the new toy, and everyone wants to play with him. Hell, I can even bet ten galleons that Megan or Brown would probably end up sleeping with him by the end of the week.”
“I don’t think so.” Susan denied it. “Brown’s not that bad, and Megan might have developed a crush, but a week is still too little.”
“A month then, and you can’t deny that it's possible.” Hannah grinned. “All of us are legal now, which means we can make our decisions on our own. Including who we fuck.”
“Hannah!” Susan’s face was starting to grow red as her friend just laughed harder.
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Soon enough, dinner came to an end with the disappearance of the desserts that left the plates shining once more.
Professor Dumbledore took this moment to stand from his seat, and the Hall fell silent.
“Just a few more words now that you’re all fed and watered.” He smiled. “First years should note that the forest on the grounds is forbidden unless you’re with one of the professors. I have also been asked by our caretaker, Mr Filch, to remind all of you that no magic should be used between classes in the corridors and that the number of forbidden objects has increased to 432; the list is in his office if anyone wants to check it.”
He knew no one would.
“Finally, I would like to welcome Professor Horace Slughorn, who has once again joined us as the Potions professor, while Professor Snape will now teach you Defence Against the Dark Arts.”
There was polite applause as the large man with a walrus moustache stood from his chair and waved at them.
“Now, your prefects will lead you to your common rooms, and it’d be preferred if all the young explorers would take some rest before beginning their Hogwarts explorations.” He smiled when the students laughed and his staff glared at him. “Off you go.”
Harry glanced at the Slytherin section that was in the far right of the Hall. He scanned the green and silver crowd for a particular blonde who he found sitting with the sixth-year girls. Her shoulders were slumped, and her pale blue eyes were downcast as she listened to the brunette beside her.
Daphne Greengrass had a lot on her mind, especially the fact that Draco hadn’t talked with her since the train, even when she had tried to explain that it wasn’t her fault that the cubicle was already occupied and that she got scared. The boy had shrugged her off and had gone to find Pansy, who had no idea that her boyfriend was about to cheat on her.
She just hoped that the unofficial prince of Slytherin would stay away from her sister and Tracy.
Suddenly she felt someone’s eyes on her, and she looked up to see a pair of greens watching her from across the Great Hall.
Harry winked at her and chuckled when the girl clenched her fists and flared her nostrils like an angry dragon. That was better than being sulky throughout the dinner, right? Obviously.
He was such a good guy, absolutely an angel!
“What are you laughing about?” Leanne asked from the other side, “Something funny?”
“Not at all. Why would I laugh if something was funny?”
“I was just curious. No need to be cheeky with me, smartass.” The girl replied as students started to leave the hall.
Harry stood from his seat and was about to follow Megan and Leanne out of the hall when he was stopped by a group of first-year Hufflepuffs who were watching him with their innocent eyes.
“Mr Carter, sir?” One of them called him. “Could you be the one to take us? We also have a few questions that we’d like to ask about Hogwarts and our studies in general, and we feel that you would be the best guide for us.”
“Hmm ….no.”
“Wh-what?” he asked, shocked at the response. “But why?”
‘Because I don’t want to, that’s why.’ Harry thought but replied, “Well, this is a prefect’s job, right? But if I did all of their work, then wouldn’t they slack off?” He asked them, and they nodded.
“And we, as the house of the hard-working, cannot let our prefects loaf around. It’s our moral duty to make them work as hard as possible!”
The boy nodded, but another one piped in, “But wouldn’t that mean you’re slacking off? We can’t let you loaf around either.”
“The hat said I have all the traits, and yet it put me in Hufflepuff; doesn’t that mean I am the most hard-working guy here?” Harry argued back, “Do you know how I got to Hogwarts today?”
“B-By train?” Another voice squeaked. “I saw you walking to and fro in the corridor.”
“Yeah, me too.” A few more agreed. By now a small crowd was forming near the Hufflepuff table as they watched the show.
“That’s the point, kid. I wasn’t just coming to Hogwarts; I was also patrolling the train to make sure you little midgets reached here safely.” A few blushed, but most of them ah’d at his statement. “If that’s not proof of hard work, I don't know what is. Or do you still think I am a slacker?”
“No. You are really a good guy, Mr Carter. You were protecting us even when we didn’t know about it.” The boy got a strange gleam in his eyes. “I’ll try to be as smart and hard-working as you.”
Again, the rest of them started to agree with the boy, and soon enough all the first-year Hufflepuffs wanted to be like Harry.
“Don’t stress yourself.” He grinned. “Now, off you go. Follow the prefects; they are well trained and will show you around. Oh, and make sure that they work really hard, alright?”
The first years rapidly nodded and left while Harry turned to look at the girls, who rolled their eyes at his explanation. The merc just gave a proud smirk and followed the two out of the hall, completely unaware of a pair of twinkling blue eyes that were watching him from the staff table.
Dumbledore knew that he really needed to solve the mystery behind the origins of Harry Carter, and that too quite soon.
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Ending Note: There we go!
Liked it? Loved it? Needs some changes? Please, do tell.
I am waiting for all your comments. Constructive criticism is always appreciated.
Thank you for reading and your comments,
With regards,
Dev Black
Comments
Dev Sagittarius Black
Nah. This is basically because Harry doesn't know he looks so similar to his dad, and everyone who has seen young James is doubtful.
Dev Sagittarius Black
Thank you! I'm glad you liked it 😁
DarkLightning34
Is moody really gonna find out that Harry Carter is Harry Potter this quickly? Or will he be thrown off the trail by something?
barrett fitzgibbon ockenden
Wonderful chapter!! Really well done
