AbyssalRoadTrip
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Abyssal Road Trip - 408 - Overload
🕑 Added 2024-04-22 12:23:21 +0000 UTCAmdirlain's PoV - Outlands - Outpost of the Monastery of the Western Reaches
Amdirlain's guts churned as if a showdown with Balnérith lay ahead. Multiple artificers were within Sarah's forge room and, though the filter excluded her song, the items she was rapidly enchanting for her audience rang with her strength.
As Amdirlain paused at the turn of the road, she realised it was the same spot Sarah had hesitated at. The event now seemed weeks ago, but it hadn't even been forty-eight hours.
Fuck, I'm a mess. With Phoenix's Rapture off, this is exhausting.
Sarith looped her arm through Amdirlain's and tried to keep walking. Amdirlain didn't shift a millimetre and, pivoting on her anchor, Sarith looked back and awkwardly lifted a single eyebrow, mimicking Amdirlain.
"That is a lot harder than you make it seem," commented Sarith dryly, lifting her fingers to hold her other eyebrow in place as it tried to follow.
"Natural talent," grumbled Amdirlain.
Sarith's mouth twitched awkwardly. "Livia said that it became a status symbol among the children in Eyrarháls; all the 'cool' kids wanted to copy her."
"You'll get used to smiling in time. I'm a corrupting influence," huffed Amdirlain nervously, fidgeting as she plucked at the grey silk sleeve of Sarith's top.
"I wasn't talking about smiling, and you know it. As for being a corrupting influence we've spoken of your habit of talking down about yourself. It's a symptom of your self-doubt," Sarith corrected. "You can do better. Direct your snark at those who deserve it and pay respect to yourself."
"I'm not sure about some of your suggestions," murmured Amdirlain. "I can turn Phoenix's Rapture completely off, but Mental Hardening is harder. It's just a series of automatic techniques."
"The agreement was that you'd try," reassured Sarith. "While you know the emotions are present, letting yourself feel them properly and working through them is key to resolving your issues."
"Let's get this torture session over with," sighed Amdirlain, and strode forcefully towards the courtyard.
"You need to have a better attitude toward your own emotions," instructed Sarith. “Perhaps treat them as you would another's pain.”
Amdirlain nodded jerkily.
Does that include people I want to kick in the balls?
The chimes signalling the noon meal break washed across the mountain, and Amdirlain sighed in frustration.
We spent six hours talking in circles about emotions and secrets that I couldn't even be specific about; blah, no wonder I feel hollowed out.
"Are you listening to her song yet?" murmured Sarith.
The flinch immediately gave Amdirlain away, but Sarith didn't comment. Aware of Sarah's inhuman senses, even in Human form, Amdirlain didn't reply.
With her teeth nearly drawing blood from her bottom lip, Amdirlain removed the filter from Resonance and almost fled from the pain, worry, and frustration that filled Sarah's song. She halted in her tracks again and counted to ten before she forced herself forward.
My emotions are so much more complex to deal with, especially when I'm actively suppressing Mental Hardening.
Despite the chimes' last echoes fading, the guests in the forge area made no move to leave immediately. Amdirlain had reached the veranda in front of the training hall before Sarah shooed them on their way. When the artificers exited the forge room, they were excitedly talking to each other and overlooked Amdirlain and Sarith’s presence. It was only when the last of them stepped out onto the road that Amdirlain nervously approached Sarah's workshop.
Amdirlain paused at the doorway, watched as Klipyl racked the last tools used for the training session and winked before vanishing. Sarah wore the same practical clothing she'd been using the other morning when she'd been flattening out the sheet of metal that now formed a box resting on the workbench near her forge. The enchantments within it protected the lock from physical tampering and shed magical force from the steel while the enchantments held. Yet the mundane materials capped how much Mana Sarah could provide to the enchantments.
When Amdirlain crossed the threshold, Sarah tossed aside a stylus she'd been holding and rushed towards her, sweeping her into a hug. "I'm sorry."
"For what? I'm the one that screwed up," protested Amdirlain.
"No, I did," objected Sarah, and she looked at Sarith standing in the doorway behind Amdirlain. "You sought help?"
"I would have thought you'd know how unskilled Am is at dealing with her emotions," said Sarith.
Sarah glanced between them. "Are you setting up couples counselling?"
We're a couple? She said no.
"My understanding of that process is that it would disadvantage Am. Don't you believe so, Sarah?" asked Sarith.
"Huh?" grunted Amdirlain.
Sarith frowned. "Such sessions normally benefit the person who can best articulate their emotions. Once you start to talk about a particular situation, you are clear in your communications, but you need to work on opening up. If you cannot talk about the emotions related to particular events, it would be a one-sided discussion and thus detrimental."
Amdirlain grimaced, "Oh. You have a point."
"What's going on then?" asked Sarah, not having released Amdirlain from her embrace.
Decisive patience thumped in Sarith who simply stood waiting.
Amdirlain shifted awkwardly, letting go of her tentative embrace. "Sarith's suggestion was, rather than a back and forth, I should be open about my concerns and let you consider them."
"Good idea. Your perspective is your own and not up for debate," agreed Sarah. "Can I ask questions for clarification? I'll watch my wording, but I don't want a misunderstanding to arise if a simple question could stop us from second-guessing."
What would Sarah second guess about?
"Yes," blurted Amdirlain. "It's not meant to be a lecture. I'm just trying to be open."
"I'm sorry for screwing up with how I communicated my concern to you. It wasn't meant as a rejection or insult, but I was worried I'd be taking advantage of your uncertainty," said Sarah.
Has it been on her mind?
"That was what caused you to withdraw, wasn’t it?" continued Sarah.
"It had me spinning so much I couldn't process your explanation rationally until Sarith dragged all the words out of me," admitted Amdirlain. “I was busy churning other rubbish up.”
Sarah winced.
Amdirlain slumped slightly. "I've got some secrets I need to share as well."
"More secrets? Pretty sure I know all of them," said Sarah lightly.
"No, you know Orhêthurin's or at least many of her secrets. These are secrets I've kept from you myself," corrected Amdirlain. "I find it scary even to consider talking about my emotions and these secrets."
"You're scared?" questioned Sarah sceptically.
Her churning guts had Amdirlain clenching her fists, and she wished Phoenix's Rapture didn't mimic a living form so well. "I've got Phoenix's Rapture disabled except for the shapeshifting, and I'm not holding back my emotions at present. So yeah, I'll try not to run screaming."
The announcement caused Sarah's brows to lift. "Shall we have some tea?"
"I drank far too much tea today. Kadaklan kept pouring more while we talked," grumbled Amdirlain. "I'm never going to get through this if I'm relaxed."
"No to the tea then," acknowledged Sarah. "Do you want to sit down or loiter in here?"
"I don't know," gulped Amdirlain.
Sarith rested a hand gently on Amdirlain's shoulder, and Sarah’s smile showed her pleasant surprise. “After the clash you had as novices, I’m surprised you went to Sarith?”
“Neutral party,” grunted Amdirlain hoarsely. “Parties. Kadaklan as well. I expected them to tell me I was the idiot.”
"What do you wish to talk about first, Am?" Sarith asked gently.
Amdirlain shivered, tears prickling in her eyes; the fear that typically pounded helplessly against the walls in her mind scrabbled and dug into her Willpower, urging her to flee. "I don’t know."
"What's the most pressing item to talk about?" Sarith inquired.
Amdirlain swallowed nervously. "I don't want to discuss it in Livia's Domain."
"Alright, you mentioned that was a concern for you," agreed Sarith. "Are you going to be alright, or do you want me to come along?"
"Thanks, Sarith," whispered Amdirlain.
Sarith didn't need it translated but nodded reassuringly and stepped back, letting her hand slip from Amdirlain's shoulder. "Am doesn't have Phoenix's Rapture running or Mental Hardening obscuring things, Sarah, so please be delicate. Oh, and she's agreed to stop putting herself down verbally, even as a joke. Ensure you remind her if necessary."
"I said I would try," corrected Amdirlain. Holding Sarah's hands, Amdirlain moved them to the Demi-Plane she'd made for the dragons.
"I'll listen and not say a thing until you tell me it's okay to speak," Sarah said. She wiggled a hand free and gently stroked Amdirlain’s right cheek, wiping tears away with her thumb.
"I was making a Demi-Plane after our conversation, and the Kyton's mother spoke to me," stated Amdirlain. "She showed me your daughter torturing Castellan and tried to get me to hand over Atonement."
Sarah pursed her lips and put a hand to her mouth to cut off an exclamation, her song a cascade of disbelief and helpless fear directed at Amdirlain. “She contacted you without prompting?”
Yep, I'm too cowardly to talk about my emotions to the person who matters the most, so I go to the horrid secrets. Why is there no surprise in her song about that?
"She knew the moment I'd entered the realm after being cursed and prevented you from detecting my presence. My Soul was calling to yours through the Oath, and she suppressed it," explained Amdirlain. "She's been looking over my shoulder so often that she knew details about my stalker and had arranged for his theft. A certain Succubus primogen now has him on display in her court."
I can't let the Oath continually drag her around and put her at risk. With no Oath, the weight of their connection drew Mori’s soul through multiple reincarnations, so Sarah would likely get drawn without the Oath. Yet even if it won’t, someone might use the Oath as a weapon against her. The Anar don't have the same risky vulnerability.
"Nu showed you Ulce?" asked Sarah.
The elven word for evil. Wait, is that a place or a name?
"Is that the name of Sidero's daughter?" questioned Amdirlain. When Sarah nodded, Amdirlain continued. "Then yes, Ulce was cutting along the muscles in Castellan’s upper arms. She wore the same red chains Sidero used to wear."
Is it right to speak of Sidero as another person, even though she treats Syl as part of herself? Like the past lives that make Kadaklan uncomfortable, even though he knows his Soul needs the lessons learned in that lifetime.
Sarah pressed a hand to her stomach as discomfort echoed the sour notes of nausea within her.
"I can understand why you didn't tell me," said Sarah.
"You already knew about Castellan," accused Amdirlain, and she winced at the edged tone.
"I learned last night—not that she was being tortured, but I know the Fallen who handed her over—and I have other news," replied Sarah, her outward composure unruffled by Amdirlain's sharp tone.
Naamah's Fallen allies will not be faceless enemies. Stop taking your mess out on her. Dammit!
Though tempted to ask questions, Amdirlain released a sharp exhalation and tried to steady the turmoil within herself. “Talking to her, Ulce, and the Castellan, does that all count as one secret or three? I need a moment before I explain the turmoil of emotions.”
Don't start being a bitch, or change the subject further. Start? Fuck, don’t keep being one. Fear is a blade that is looking for someone to hurt.
“Can I say something before you start?”
Amdirlain nodded jerkily.
Sarah whispered. "I'm so sorry I made this awkward between us, and I've been kicking myself about hurting you. I knew I'd screwed up when you withdrew, and then Mother pointed out in clear detail all the ways what I said could hurt someone with even a modest number of personal issues."
Her adopted mum—Dragon mum—who I’ve still yet to meet.
"I feel like I'm a mess that you'd be better off avoiding," huffed Amdirlain.
Sarah's brows furrowed, and Amdirlain lifted a hand to forestall her. "That's how I feel at present. It's not up for discussion. It's where I am now but not where I want to stay."
"Alright," acknowledged Sarah. “Just concerned for you, not arguing.”
Her tongue darted across her lips, and Amdirlain swallowed roughly. "I find your possession of Syl's memories related to Ori intimidating. I felt a snippet of their time together, and against that grand love, I feel inadequate."
Anxiety and sorrow warred with love behind Sarah's composed mask, but she only nodded in a calm acknowledgement.
"I'm listening to your music again, so there isn't any point in holding your composure," advised Amdirlain. "But I know how automatic it is for you, so I don't judge your lack of reaction. Do I want to know what rank you have in that Skill?"
"It was King," grunted Sarah. "Acting-King and Composure-King merged a while back into Councillor's Demeanour. Dragon cheat skills."
Fuck, I need to push my skills. She has all those past lives at her fingertips. Sarah likely knows the fastest ways to advance hundreds of powers and skills, let alone classes.
Amdirlain closed her eyes as more feelings of inadequacy arose. "I know it seems stupid, but I feel so outmatched by you. Child? Yeah, the clueless child likely sums it up."
"You’re not. I wanted to kick that prig's arse out through his mouth," growled Sarah.
"Then he really would be shit-talking," laughed Amdirlain bitterly. "There was a spark of rage that I think came from Ori's memories when he ran his mouth."
"She didn't like him," conceded Sarah. "I'll tell you about their history later, but it was unpleasant. You don't need their guidance. You've done far more than most modern Lómë have ever managed. If anything, they should get your guidance about how to push themselves."
“Getting sidetracked,” muttered Amdirlain.
“Sorry, you were telling me how you felt,” Sarah said, buttoning her lip.
Amdirlain grunted in surprise. "I was afraid my emotions weren't completely my own, but I don’t want to give into that fear. I just couldn’t admit it. That contributed to my lack of happy glow; it felt like I was tight roping on an unstable limb just proposing to move forward with a relationship."
"Why did you propose it then?"
Memories lept up, but none were Ori’s or another life's. They were all from her time as Julia. Sarah was frequently with her regardless of whether she was well or ill. They talked each other into activities and books the other hadn’t thought to try, and regardless of the activity’s success, the day was still better for the other’s company.
"When I put gender aside, I could see how we just fit. I always wanted to fall for someone who’d be there for me and put up with me, warts and all. A person who would have my back yet didn't expect me to talk about my feelings or share details about frustrating days. I wanted someone to grow with through life's difficulties in a true partnership. I was always looking for someone I could spend time with where even silence would be comfortable. A partner who had interests in common but also wanted other things, so I'd occasionally get alone time."
Amidst the rush of words, Sarah had slumped against one of the beach's rocks, and grief peeked out through cracks in her composure.
Amdirlain's hands started to lift upward, and she clasped them behind her back to prevent fingers from digging into her scalp to combat the uncomfortable itch beneath her skin.
"Except for gender, you'd always ticked all those boxes," muttered Amdirlain. "Emotionally blind I might be, but once my blinkers were off and I got thinking about the irrelevance of gender, I didn't need long to get to what I felt was a starting point. I have a scary high IQ now—if only my EQ didn't lag so far behind. Then I felt like you'd slapped me away for not meeting your standards. It was far from the acceptance I'd expected."
Sarah rose from the rock she'd slumped against and stepped towards Amdirlain, only to be halted by an outthrust hand.
"It twisted about, and I started feeling that you only loved me because I'm a stand-in for Orhêthurin," breathed Amdirlain. “Despite what you told me after saying no, even without the monstrous thing I'm becoming, I don't feel lovable. I didn’t feel worthy of being loved by anyone. I felt like poison."
Sarah let out an audible groan, and blinding tears slid from her eyes, yet she kept silent.
In broken sentences, Amdirlain repeated the tale she'd shared only with Sarith about the onset of cancer and the fear, along with her self-revulsion when the girl who treated her kindly in treatment died.
Amdirlain dropped her hand, and this time, when Sarah stepped forward, Amdirlain didn’t ward her away. Her weight shifting on the white sands prickled across Amdirlain's skin like a pronouncement of doom. Amdirlain suppressed a nervous wince as Sarah's arms enfolded her and silently rubbed her back. Head bowed against Sarah's shoulder, Amdirlain closed her eyes and tried to organise her racing thoughts. The conversation with Sarith and Kadaklan had stirred up so much that deciding what to tackle was hard.
"I've not compartmentalised emotions since the monastery. Instead, I've been letting them rant and rave behind mental walls but dealt with them as they occurred," confessed Amdirlain. "At present, I'm not even trying to keep them out of the forefront of my mind, and they're hard to deal with. Lucky I'm used to dealing with thousands of songs at a time."
Sarah pressed her cheek against the side of Amdirlain's face but stayed steady. "Take your time, sweetie. Talk about whatever comes to mind first. I'm sorry I spun you out emotionally. Those memories show me how different you are, and your uniqueness adds to what I love about you."
Amdirlain swallowed back tears, and pain churned within her True Form. The bristles didn't normally register past Pain Eater, but as she rode the surge of emotions, their irritation bloomed into a burn that rivalled a box jellyfish sting, shrouding her from head to toe.
"I have trouble accepting people's positive feelings towards me are genuine. I'm not expecting them since I dislike so much about myself. From my perspective, I can be a vicious hypocrite, and that's just one of my flaws. I'm stubborn and pig-headed, even before I took my Willpower to ridiculous lengths."
"Is that what Sarith meant about negative self-talk?" questioned Sarah as Amdirlain's tone grew edged.
Amdirlain exhaled. "Yes. I'm just trying to explain how I see myself and why I spun out. I feel like an imposter every day. Every time I tell people I'm not Ori, it's because she could do so much more, and I get mad and afraid of their expectations if they see me as her. It doesn't help that I disagree with how she tackled many things. Most of all, I'm afraid you only ever loved me because of the Oath between Ori and Syl before Tia threatened to extinguish her."
Sarah's hand trembled, but she continued to rub Amdirlain's back. Her theme was sour with pain and sorrow, but the foundation of love negated the drain of those emotions.
I'm hurting her, fuck! She’s tied up to me with that Oath they swore to each other. How much impact does it have on her feelings? I can’t let anyone use the Oath to hurt her, let alone me.
Amdirlain grunted. "You released me from my promises to you, but the Oath between them went both ways, didn't it?"
"Yes, but don't worry about it," murmured Sarah.
"I release you from your promise," whispered Amdirlain.
The backlash of pain clawed out of Amdirlain's mouth in a soundless scream and dropped her to her knees; bent in two, she vomited a flood of blood and an infernal miasma washed across the white sands. Her stomach kept convulsing, and she could only squeeze her eyes closed and ride out the expulsion of fluids. Each time she tried to regain control, another spasm flooded her throat with more bile, blood, and corruption. Almost face-planting, Amdirlain started to tip onto her side with the force of the convulsions that rocked her frame. Her health in free fall, Amdirlain teleported down the beach and reactivated Phoenix's Rapture. Sand melted into glass and exploded into vapour around her, but her health stopped plummeting, and slowed to a steady decline. Pain Eater drily reported the ongoing damage, so Amdirlain activated Universal Life and, with her mind clear of the fog of pain and emotions, started cycling. The Ki seemed to tip into a bottomless gulf. The amount of health it could mend was nothing compared to the millions she had lost in under a minute.
As flesh ruptured and tore, Sarah didn't stand passively by; since none of her recent classes had given her any healing abilities, she turned and opened a Gate.
The mechanical precision of Mechanus' theme tolled across the Demi-Plane, and a naked Elf who appeared carved of diamond stepped across the threshold. Her ancient theme was unmistakable, and even in her struggles, Amdirlain recognised the first female Diamond Dragon created in response to Tiamat's arguments about the respective balance of forces in the realm. Beyond her were four layered mithril circles; they only partly echoed those created by the staff she’d made Sarah.
"Please help her, mother," called Sarah.
The Dragon crossed the distance between them before Amdirlain could get out a word, and Amdirlain felt spells slip effortlessly through her protections. Life and Order eased through her body to purge the corruption and knit flesh together in a comforting wave. The regeneration of Phoenix's Rapture suddenly surged ahead, replenishing Amdirlain's body and closing the internal damage the spells were helping heal.
[Phoenix’s Rapture [G] (111->113)
Note: You idiot! A Primordial set that tether in place, and you just had to throw it away. It had been helping you regain memories, and you just tossed that advantage away. Why are you so hard-headed?
Note: The residue was from her time as Sidero, and it was easing as Sarah tended to her mental injuries.]
You had plenty of opportunity to reassure or warn me of its nature, so FUCK OFF! I walk my path and won't drag someone with me. That Oath wasn't mine or Sarah's doing. I would not risk someone using it to get past her protections.
Rage bubbled away, fueled by the self-doubt and anxiety Amdirlain had been fighting. Not wanting to let it influence her reactions, Amdirlain clamped down briefly with Mental Hardening and stole its fuel. Once she felt calm again, Amdirlain relaxed the chokehold on her emotions, and the hurricane of butterflies returned.
"Amdirlain, this is Aitherlar," introduced Sarah. "Well, that's one of her casual names. Her full name is much longer, but that isn't an issue since you can hear her song."
Despite the calm introduction, Sarah’s song had shifted from worry and fear to a seething rage that blazed over her love and concern.
"Hello, Amdirlain," said Aitherlar casually. "This isn't how I had hoped to meet you."
Amdirlain groaned. "I'm always causing someone drama."
"Hey, I think that counts," said Sarah.
"Counts for what?" asked Aitherlar.
Sarah told me her mother had been helping with her own mental healing.
Amdirlain swallowed her nerves. "I have issues with a negative self-image, and I’m trying not to put myself down."
Aitherlar nodded. "Don't do that, youngster, or I'll be cross. Would one of you care to explain that?"
A gleaming finger stabbed back at the puddle of foulness still staining the beach.
"There was an Oath link between our souls. Sarah had released me from past promises to her, but I hadn't released her until now. Since I was still holding it, the residue from when Sarah had lived as Sidero vented out through the backlash."
The rage within Sarah cooled with the icy shock of Amdirlain's announcement.
"That explains the infernal stench," acknowledged Aitherlar.
Quick notes banished the corruption from the Demi-Plane and filled in the hole left behind.
"Much better, and you got rid of all the smell," said Aitherlar approvingly. "I'm surprised you survived the backlash of releasing such an old Oath. It's no wonder Orhêthurin used to be favoured by the Titan's Songbird. I remember meeting her shortly after the Anar and Lómë were created. Whereas the others were energetic and social, Orhêthurin seemed serene but lonely."
She doesn't know Orhêthurin was the Titan's Songbird? I don't remember them being awake on the platform; they were in stasis until Orhêthurin made some worlds so they'd have space to fly. I need to change the topic.
"How soon after the creation of the Anar and Lómë did you meet them?"
Aitherlar waved casually. "A few millennia, maybe ten or eleven. It was well after they had created their first stars."
"Did you ever meet the Titan's Songbird?"
"When I was born at the start of time in the realm. She was a golden figure in my mind that loomed over everything. Oddly, others present were physically larger, but she gave the impression that they were smaller than her. Whenever she spoke, the realm seemed to listen to the beauty of her voice," replied Aitherlar. "It is a fond memory. You should feel honoured that she blessed the Anar and Lómë with golden souls that matched the purity of her essence."
It sounds like she was half awake, dozing enough to be aware.
"I think far too many took that purity for granted," replied Amdirlain.
"It can be a problem with celestials as well," acknowledged Aitherlar. "Oh, I'm good. Ergo, everything I do must be for the sake of goodness. Some of them are a pure pain in the tail."
All three of them snorted, and Amdirlain smiled at the echoed sentiment.
It took time and more spells from Aitherlar before Amdirlain's health was fully restored and she could turn off Phoenix's Rapture, disabling even its passive help to keep her emotions in check.
"That was quite an impressive aura you have there, Amdirlain," offered Aitherlar.
"I'm sorry Sarah had to call upon you," offered Amdirlain. "She called you Mother? Aitherlar wasn't the name she'd given me for the Dragon who adopted her."
Aitherlar smiled. "You comprehended that, even through your pain?"
"With my aura activated, there was no pain, just dry details," corrected Amdirlain.
"I told Sarah not to worry you, so she gave you the name I've used lately. It's easier on my interactions if I regularly change my casual name to prevent intimidating younger dragons," advised Aitherlar. "And since every type of Diamond Dragon descends from me, I'm technically the same species. It was a condition for my help."
"You're the diamond template. I can understand why you want to avoid others' attention," murmured Amdirlain. "A normal Diamond Dragon wouldn't have taken on a Scarlet Lonsdaleite."
"They are snobbish about blood lineage," agreed Aitherlar. "Have you two spoken about the Fallen I've been treating?"
When the Gate to Mechanus opened, I thought I heard four circles containing Fallen. Sarah said something about Fallen, but what’s this about treating? Is that the priority right now, Amdirlain?
"No, I've got my own issues to sort out," said Amdirlain, shrugging off the concerns.
"Then I won't intrude further. Once you get beyond what your fellow novices can help you with, I'll come to teach you more psionics," offered Aitherlar, and she vanished.
"Did Gideon warn you about releasing that Oath?" hissed Sarah, worry shining in her gaze.
"They'd never mentioned it would be an issue to break," confirmed Amdirlain. "I'd also never used Analysis on it; I could never hear or find the Oath link between us."
"I had never thought to check," grunted Sarah, and she snarled. "Bloody crystal ball. I want to kick them into the Far Chaos. I thought you were going to die."
"With the rage in your song, I thought you were angry at me," admitted Amdirlain timidly.
"Gideon's games infuriate me," Sarah said as she shifted position and cupped Amdirlain's chin to lift her gaze. “My anger was for them. I was worried about you and frustrated at myself.”
Amdirlain sighed in relief. "Gideon told me off for breaking it, said the Oath had been making recovering memories easier."
"Gideon can be a right bitch," growled Sarah. "I assumed you had gotten notifications since I released you from Ori's promises."
"Yes, and no notes about the Oath," confirmed Amdirlain. "Then they got snippy in the notification about Phoenix's Rapture levelling from repairing the damage releasing it caused."
"Given how that only felt like a strange shift but didn't cause any injury, there should have been no reason to expect anything as dramatic as what just happened," reassured Sarah.
"Are you trying to head off me blaming myself?"
"Yes," Sarah confirmed, and she winked. "I believe you were supposed to tell me what you'd bottled up. Apologies for dragging Aitherlar into this but, besides a deity, she was the strongest help I could get you."
"Thanks," breathed Amdirlain, suddenly far too aware of Sarah's proximity and her quickening pulse.
Sarah shrugged with affected casualness. "Any time."
"The way Madame Kyton spoke of my Soul calling to yours didn't sound like it would have given you much choice," advised Amdirlain.
Sarah released Amdirlain's chin and stroked her cheek. "Ah, that isn't something I'd complain about, but I understand. You wanted to ensure nothing was causing any feelings for you?"
She's so close I'm glad my aura burnt away the foulness. Now I’m being vain! Sarah could find a better partner than me.
"This conversation didn't exactly go close to plan," breathed Amdirlain. "Not that there was much of one."
Sarah's gaze shone with mirth. "Sweetie, I'm still here for you, and you didn't dissolve. Let's just put it in the win column for danger avoided."
"I'm sorry I'm such a mess."
That was all Amdirlain managed before Sarah leaned in close but stopped millimetres from their lips touching. The trembling notes within her melody came with a breathless intensity that matched Sarah's racing pulse.
“Can I kiss you?” breathed Sarah, her lips coming so close to contact that a tingle of anticipation ran up Amdirlain’s spine.
Do I dare?
Sarah’s silvery Soul buzzed with a mix of love and nerves that peaked higher, yet neither moved. Amdirlain’s nervous tension and butterflies urged her to run, instead she leaned in. The touch of soft lips moving gently against her own drew a sigh of pleasure. When Amdirlain didn’t break away, Sarah returned her gentle kiss with increasing fervour. Hands lifted to cradle Amdirlain’s face and slowly crept into her hair. Steam wanted to burst out of Amdirlain’s ears, and her complexion darkened as she drew Sarah close.
When the lingering kiss ended, Amdirlain swallowed and tried to control her blush. "Is it a good idea to reward destructive behaviour?"
Gods, I made a mess of that kiss.
"Rewarding progress. I'm pleased you talked to me," replied Sarah, and she resumed caressing Amdirlain's face.
Amdirlain frowned in confusion. "What happened to you wanting to wait for my glow?"
"How was that fair of me?" inquired Sarah. "I was an idiot, and Aitherlar made that clear. She pointed out I shouldn't look for perfection when any good relationship grows with time. I'm thankful you’re still taking a chance on me, Amdirlain. If you have doubts, we can work on them together."
Together?
"Really?"
Sarah nodded solemnly. "Really. I have some simple suggestions for ground rules if we go ahead. To keep our partnership even."
“If?”
Of course, she likely has doubts.
Sarah smiled reassuringly. “I want to be with you. Do you want to be together?”
Dare I want this?
The thought of Sarah absent from her life was a crushing void inside Amdirlain, and she smashed the churning thought apart and quashed the quagmire that tried to drown her in doubt.
Was I stupid to release the Oath? Yet, based on what Custodian told me about the injuries I inflicted on Moloch with his links, I couldn’t risk not removing it. What if someone did the same to Sarah?
“Yes. Only suggestions?”
Sarah smiled knowingly, and Amdirlain relaxed. “You might have better ideas.”
Tension ratcheted up Amdirlain’s spine. "I'm listening," breathed Amdirlain.
As tears pricked at the corners of Amdirlain's eyes, Sarah tenderly wiped them away.
"We tell each other when something is wrong," said Sarah. "We don't have to give details immediately, but when we feel something is wrong, we let the other person know."
"I'll try to get better at communicating."
"I’ve held secrets I shouldn’t have as well, so I need to do the same. Next, we regularly spend time together," said Sarah. "Your schedule gets pretty busy."
"Anything special you had in mind?" asked Amdirlain.
"No, just as long as we're together. We could kill monsters, or I could listen to you sing," replied Sarah. “The time together is what’s important. The exception is those resistance boxes—they don’t count as together.”
I might be able to not fuck up a date night that way.
"Only those rules?" inquired Amdirlain hopefully.
"No, but only one more. I don’t want a codex of rules.”
Says Miss Orderly?
“The last is a two-parter. Don't stop listening to my music again," requested Sarah. “If you need clarity around my emotional state, please ask.”
The last request drew a surprised blink from Amdirlain. "That's it?"
Can I even trust myself to follow those?
"Yep," said Sarah. "I love you as you are and hope I can help you heal all the pain. Honestly, I’ve no problem going slow or at whatever pace you want."
"Okay," Amdirlain exhaled.
Nerves and self-recriminations for doubting Sarah burned through her freshly healed wounds.
“Amdirlain, you are most certainly the best person in my life,” murmured Sarah, and she caressed Amdirlain’s cheek again.
Amdirlain flushed. "I apologise in advance for when I screw up."
"We'll work through our screw-ups together," responded Sarah. "I also make mistakes and never want them to end us. No shifting anything more between us without talking it through, okay?"
Nervously, Amdirlain rested her head on Sarah's shoulder and held her close. “Isn’t that another rule?”
This feels good, yet so strange it's no longer simply a comfortable, friendly hug.
“Suggestions, not rules. You scared the crap out of me,” grumbled Sarah. “While I have that device you made to find your Soul, I never want to have need.”
“Sorry.”
Silence settled between them and Amdirlain kept holding her. When Sarah eventually inquired about Cyrus' lesson, Amdirlain shook her head. "I didn't want to put a time limit on our conversation, so I told him I'd have to skip today."
"You prioritised resolving your emotions?" questioned Sarah lightly.
"No, I put the priority on us," blushed Amdirlain.
Fuck, that sounds so lame. Stop it, Amdirlain.
“And still sounded like a complete bitch,” continued Amdirlain awkwardly.
Sarah kissed her forehead. "It's okay to put yourself first occasionally. I can smell you’re still all jagged edges emotionally."
"I put myself first a lot with my training." countered Amdirlain.
"Amdirlain, you're pushing yourself hard to gain enough strength to seal the wound in the deep planes. That training isn't putting yourself first," Sarah gently admonished.
Amdirlain coughed to clear the lump in her throat. “I’m a mess emotionally. I’m trying to keep Phoenix’s Rapture off to heal properly.”
“That you didn’t deny your emotional state is good.”
Embarrassed, Amdirlain shrugged jerkily and hurried to change the subject. "What’s the plan with the Fallen? I heard the circles still holding them. What did you two get up to?"
Does embarrassment count as something wrong?
“Sorry for embarrassing you,” said Sarah, and Amdirlain’s blush returned. "As for the four Fallen, they’ve been trying to cause you problems. After discussion, we decided the best approach was to give them therapy."
When Amdirlain started giggling, Sarah patted her back.
"Therapy!" snorted Amdirlain through her giggles.
Sarah nodded, and Amdirlain's giggles turned into hysterical laughter.
“It’s alright,” whispered Sarah, gently stroking her back. “I’ve got you, and I should have made it clear from the start that only you ever held a place in my heart. You thought you weren’t lovable, and there I was, too scared to tell you I love you.”
It took some time, but Amdirlain relaxed in her embrace.
Comments
Glenn Wright
She can cause it to exclude allies. I could have gone either way, but I figured she would be too focused on not dying, even if she wasn't in pain.
Mr NerfGun
Doesn't the description of Phoenix's Rapture state that the flames do not harm allies? Sarah should have been able to get close to her without issue. That's a recurring thing that has been nagging at me. Aside from that, great chapter!
Lijwent
Finally! Now they need a date in Quil Tris or something
