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Essence of the Speedrunner Ch.1
🕑 Added 2023-12-20 00:47:11 +0000 UTCAN: Okay, slight change of plans. I was going to try to start a few more ideas before this one but I decided they could wait. This, Dead End, and Company Devil are the three stories I'm going to be focusing on for the foreseeable future. I was going to put it to a poll but I decided I liked these three ideas the most on my own. I think it's a good roster for now and I hope people agree. I want to get this and Dead End up to five chapters like Company Devil first. Chapters are going to alternate stories after that. I already have the next chapters of Dead End and Company Devil plotted out and the second chapter of this story is almost finished as well. Hopefully, this schedule will be manageable and productive. I'm tentatively aiming for one chapter of each story a week (three total).
IIIII
[Tags: Fanfic, Snippet, Speedrunning, Legend of Zelda, More worlds to come, Humor/Crack, Straight, No idea if I’ll actually do smut for this story, Essence META, Glitch/Bug-based powers, Spirit Waifu Zelda, MC is Link]
“This is completely unorthodox,” The disembodied voice from the Void told me.
I replied simply, “I know.”
“And yet you insist on proceeding?”
“I do.”
The voice’s sigh seemed to shake all of the strange reality I found myself in, “Very well.”
A single vial appeared floating before my eyes. I didn’t know if I had a body before that moment or if it formed as I reached for the vial. Either way, I took it into my hand. My future stared back at me. I couldn’t stop the wide grin that spread across my face.
“Usually, my, ahem, ‘volunteers’ choose an Essence that grants them more immediate satisfaction. Something like ‘Essence of the Golden God’ or ‘Essence of the Hentai Protagonist’. I don’t think I’ve ever had someone choose… this.”
“My definition of satisfaction is likely a touch unique.”
“Yes, you could say that,” The voice said as if shaking its head in amusement. “No matter, I still owe you a boon in compensation for my… inattentive actions.”
“You dropped your fatally dense divine waifu pillow on me during my world record pace run,” I deadpanned. “Live. For hundreds of people to see. My mom was watching. She probably thinks her son died a weeb. So yeah, I think this is the least you could do.”
“Look, just drink the Essence and shut up about it! We all make mistakes,” The ROB’s voice sputtered. “Just remember that you can’t tell anyone! We had a deal! And, uh, can I get my Abigail Williams pillow back…?”
I looked at reality with disgust, “You utter degenerate. I’m going to be forever remembered as a Loli lover because of your deviant tastes. I don’t think a single Essence will be enough to compensate for that.”
The ROB’s voice whined, “Fine! I’ll throw in world-hopping abilities and the multiversal internet if you just never mention this! Ever!”
I sniffed imperiously, “I suppose that will have to do. If you want to check up on me, just look at the top of the leaderboards, degenerate.”
Reality itself seemed to throw up its hands in frustration, “Whatever! Just get out of her so I can reclaim my little Abby!”
“You’re literally omnipotent. Why not just get the real thing?” I asked curiously.
The voice was quiet for a moment, “… I’m afraid she won’t love me like the pillow does.”
I shook my head, “That’s just sad. Do better, Mr. Random Omnipotent Being.”
“Shut up…” The ROB who killed me in such a tragically humiliating way sulked. Served them right.
“Whatever, dork, you do you. I’m gonna be out here setting records and fucking shit up for real,” I said, upturning the Essence vial in my hand.
A bit of text appeared in my mind’s eye: [ESSENCE OF THE SPEEDRUNNER]
My earlier shit-eating grin returned just before I flashed out of the strange bit of ROB-enforced reality, “I’m fast as fuck, boy!”
IIIII
In a land stricken by Calamity, a Princess held back the forces of darkness. She had done so for one hundred years. She was tired, and weary, and strained. But she would continue to do her duties for as long as it took. She hadn’t given up hope. Especially not when the time for her hero’s awakening drew so close at hand.
“Open your eyes,” Princess Zelda whispered, her voice reaching for her hero across the lands of Hyrule. “Wake up, Link.”
In a temporary tomb, a Shrine of Resurrection, on a Great Plateau, a blond-haired young man heeded his Princess’ words. Slowly, he shifted as strange blue liquid drained from around him. A hundred years, he had slept. Now, he awoke to save the day once more.
Zelda watched her hero from so far away. Her body was locked in Hyrule Castle, holding back the Calamity of Ganon. But her spirit was solely focused on her hero. On Link, the swordsman who guarded her with everything he was and gave his life to save hers. On her only hope for rescue and respite.
She watched with bated breaths as Link took his first steps. His body was still shaky and weak from the trial of resurrection. But Zelda knew he would soon be strong enough to free her from her confining duty.
Then between one step and the next, something shifted within Link. He suddenly moved with purpose, breaking out into a full sprint. Without her voice directing him, Link made his way to the Sheikah terminal and claimed the valuable Sheikah Slate there.
Zelda felt her breath catch in her intangible body. So strong already! Truly, he was the hero she remembered. The hero Hyrule needed. Link turned away from the terminal… and walked face-first into a wall.
Oh, dear… It seemed such a long stay in the Shrine of Resurrection had damaged her hero’s intelligence. Hopefully, it was just a temporary issue. Yes, there was no need to worry just yet. Especially not when… Link was walking through walls…?
Link did… something. Something Zelda couldn’t quite make out. And considering she could see just about everything at the moment, that was saying something. He sort of ran and jogged and jumped at the same time. It somehow allowed him to pass straight through the Shrine’s walls.
He ran along, below and inside the Shrine’s floor at the same time. Zelda watched as he climbed up the wrong side of a wall. He climbed until he popped out of the ground above the Shrine of Resurrection itself.
‘Like a cute little gopher,’ Zelda absently thought, so utterly confused by what she was seeing that even her spirit wasn’t thinking straight. ‘And why is he whistling while he runs? Surely, that can’t be efficient.’
But whistle, Link did. He whistled and ran and ran and whistled without losing his breath once. Zelda’s spirit followed along curiously. She’d planned on perhaps checking in on the new Champion candidates after ensuring Link was awake. He shouldn’t need her guidance until he left the Plateau, not with the ghost of her father watching over him as well.
But this was just so… so interesting~! Fascinating~! The way Link casually broke the laws of reality like he didn’t have a care in the world, moving with purpose all the same. The scholar within Zelda was intrigued! And a bit jealous that he didn’t show these abilities while he was by her side.
She didn’t pout. Spirits couldn’t pout and her physical body was a bit busy at the moment. So she definitely didn’t pout! But she would be having… words with Link once he finished rescuing her and Calamity Ganon was finally vanquished. At least this way, she had experiments to look forward to alongside her freedom though!
Link ran past a group of Bokoblins. He ignored them as they alerted to his presence and scrambled for their weapons. No, he did more than ignore them. He disregarded the creatures entirely, even going so far as to steal a spear and a shield from them as the Bokoblins reached for their armaments.
And he just… kept on running. He switched up his movement for a moment, surfing on the Pot-Lid shield he’d stolen. It was as if he was trying to go as fast as possible.
‘Has he recovered his memories of me so quickly?’ Zelda wondered. Unseen by the world, her spirit glowed a bit brighter. She would deny that phenomenon until the end of her days. Spirits couldn’t blush either!
Once more, Link demonstrated that fascinating new ability of his on one of the walls of the Temple of Time. A half step and a little flip was all it took to send Link through the wall as if it wasn’t even there. This time, Zelda caught more of the strange process.
‘Piercing through matter perhaps?’ She theorized. ‘Phasing? Clipping? Why does that last word sound so right?’
Tentatively marking the ability as ‘clipping’, Zelda watched Link requisition a bow from an abandoned chest and a bundle of arrows from a nearby pot. Soon after, she witnessed another impossible new phenomenon.
Link fiddled with nothing for a moment. Was he setting something up? Another ‘clip’? Then he hefted a delicate pot into his arms, turned into the wall without breaking it, and flew off.
Zelda’s spiritual jaw hung open in utter shock. He was flying! But… not? It was nothing like flight with a paraglider. More like he was being pushed along by some invisible force and held in the air by another.
‘Go, Link, go!’ Zelda found herself cheering for her hero’s impossible feat. He somehow wiggled back and forth as he flew. ‘Fierce wiggles! Most fierce!’
In mere moments, Link had traversed a sizable portion of the Great Plateau. From the Temple of Time to one of the Plateau’s four shrines. The pot Link was holding shattered as he dropped it — as if the damage from impacting the wall was just now catching up to it — and he plummeted dangerously to the ground.
Just before impact, Link seemed to hesitate in mid-air, as if pausing for the briefest of instants and resuming his descent. He landed safely before Zelda could even put voice to her worry. Just as quickly, Link clipped through the outer wall of the Shrine and activated the elevator to its depths.
‘Such movement! Such grace! Such blistering pace!’ Zelda marveled. ‘And to go for the Bomb Function first… Does Link know something I don’t?’
Still not hesitating for even a moment, Link ran to activate the Sheikah terminal the moment the elevator stopped its descent. The Slate’s Bomb Function was activated without issue. Taking the Slate back, Link already seemed to be an old hand at using the Bomb Function.
He ran back to the elevator and climbed atop one of the pylons surrounding it. It was as if he was getting into a very specific, planned-out position. Zelda watched with confusion and interest, her instincts telling her she was about to witness another incredible feat.
Link leaped. A circular bomb spawned, left behind at his starting position. Mid-air, the Bomb Function’s other bomb spawned. Time seemed to slow. Zelda couldn’t for the life of her figure out what her hero was trying to accomplish. Then Link detonated the first bomb.
‘No, Link~!’ Zelda gasped in horror.
He would blow himself to bits! Oh, it was horrible! Zelda’s hero tumbled through the air like a doll made of rags! He was propelled so high, so far, so fast! He landed in a messy heap of limbs and torso! He… stood up as if nothing had happened…?
Zelda blinked in shock. How did that work?! He’d thrown himself through the air with an explosion! There was no way that should have worked! And yet, it did, putting Link exactly where he wanted to go while skipping the entire shrine in the process.
‘Oh, I’m so going to slap him silly when he rescues me!’ Again, Zelda didn’t pout. Spirits couldn’t pout! She was just… expressing her worry and frustration. And she’d be sure to express it again in person! ‘Link, you’re in big trouble, Mister!’
The heart-stopping feat Link just pulled off managed to put him almost directly in front of the shrine’s monk. Zelda’s hero didn’t even acknowledge being blown up and thrown through the air as he sprinted up to the monk and activated the shrine to receive its Spirit Orb. With the first Symbol of Courage now in his possession, Link exited the shrine.
Upon his exit, Link was greeted by the ghost of Zelda’s father. Why the King insisted on this strange Old Man disguise for his spirit form, Zelda would never know. Their relationship was strained just before he died. And yet she did still love her father. She only wished they had one more chance to reconcile before his death at the hands of the Calamity.
The disguised King Rhoam glided before Link with his paraglider. It was an impressive invention but after seeing all the things Link was suddenly capable of, Zelda had to wonder if the song and dance the King was putting her hero through to get it was even necessary.
“I see you managed to get your hands on a Spirit Orb. Well done!” The King praised Link.
“Hyump hymup!” Link exclaimed, nodding eagerly. Zelda couldn’t help but giggle. Oh, her hero always was a man of few words.
“I would have thought I would catch you upon your awakening at the Shrine of Resurrection but you seem to have slipped past me somehow. How did you do that, Courageous One? I’m quite positive the exit I camped outside was the only one…” He continued in dignified confusion.
Link just stared, prompting the King to move along with an embarrassed cough, “Ahem, no matter. These shrines and towers… they are all related to that device on your hip. The Sheikah Slate!”
Zelda sighed. Her father expected Link to have some confusion or lack of purpose upon awakening. As she had clearly witnessed, he did not. This explanation seemed quite useless as a result.
Link seemed to think so as well. He nodded firmly, holding up four fingers. He pointed at the shrine behind him. Then at the other three that resided on the Great Plateau. He finished by pointing at the Temple of Time and the paraglider on King Rhoam’s person.
The King startled slightly, “Oh, you already know? How curious… I was sure you would lack certain memories due to your time spent asleep-…”
Link turned away from the disguised King mid-sentence. In fact, he was already leaving. Before the King could react, Link did yet another impossible thing. Sparkles spawned in mid-air, accompanied by a rain of treasure! Two piles of fish and two glittering gold chests appeared out of nothing. Link scooped up some of the fish but didn’t acknowledge the valuable chests at all.
“Hey! I was still talking-! By the Goddess! What was that, boy?! How in the world did you-! Get back here!” The King called out in a shout of disgrace and shock.
Link paid him no mind, climbing a wall and summoning another bomb. Zelda held her breath. Was she to witness that dreadfully worrying method of travel again?
Thankfully, Link just took hold of the bomb and turned it into a slightly raised surface. The bomb pushed against the surface and it pushed Link in turn. He was once again sent flying in that oh-so-strange way. Still, Zelda much preferred this method of travel to the explosively-propelled rag-dolling.
Link quickly left the King alone to fume in confusion and indignation. He wiggled and wiggled and wiggled as he flew all the way to the second shrine on his journey. Once there, he landed harmlessly again and ‘clipped’ through the shrine’s wall.
Zelda watched as the second shrine went much the same as the first. Link collected the Sheikah Slate’s Magnesis Function and wasted no time navigating the shrine’s puzzle as if he already knew the solution. The only thing of any real note was another of those horrid explosive jumps.
‘Bomb Leap? Boomy… Boomy Zoomy?’ Zelda hesitated to even name the unpleasant method but it would make things easier.
With another Spirit Orb on his belt, Link left the shrine and took to the air once again. This time, he flew to a very specific spot with a very specific tree. Zelda watched in confusion as he climbed the tree, only to gasp and try to stomp her foot in frustration as another ‘Boomy Zoomy’ delivered her hero directly to the third shrine.
This was so wrong! Did it not hurt?! Did her hero feel no pain at all?! Did he not know what harming himself so did to her?! That’s it, after he saved her, Link was banned from ever using bombs again!
The Stasis Shrine was conquered as quickly as the two that came before it. Zelda felt like she would miss something if she blinked at all. Her hero was just doing too much! Too many impossible things!
Leaving the shrine, Link activated Stasis on a boulder and Zelda braced herself. But he merely hit the frozen object multiple times to accumulate momentum. Then he climbed aboard it and used that sudden collective momentum to fling him to heights he could not have reached normally.
Zelda let out a relieved sigh. That feat was at least possible by her understanding of the world. It was creative and unorthodox, sure, but possible. She could handle possible.
Another short, strange flight saw Link reach the fourth and final shrine on the Great Plateau. Calling it a challenge would have been gravely misrepresenting the situation. Link conquered the trial left by the ancient Sheikah as easily as he breathed.
Upon his exit, however, he was greeted once more by the spirit of King Rhoam. The King panted in exhaustion. Something that should have been impossible due to his spiritual nature. But Link seemed destined to see the world turned on its head.
“Haaa… Haaa… Finally. Caught you. Boy.”
Link waved his hand almost impatiently.
The King glared from beneath his hood, “Don’t take that tone with me, boy. You got all four Spirit Orbs? Good. Meet me at the Temple of Time. I’m too tired for riddles at the moment.”
Before the King had even finished talking, Link took flight in that impossible way of his. As he flew off into the distance, the King’s voice could be heard swearing, “Goddess dammit!”
In yet another impossible feat, it seemed as if Link would reach the Temple of Time first. The King had to abuse his spiritual abilities to beat Zelda’s hero. Even then, he was just beginning to materialize as Link climbed into the temple’s tower.
King Rhoam glared at Link, “Couldn’t even let an old man rest his bones, could you, boy?”
In a shocking display of irreverence, Link shook his head at the King’s rhetorical question.
The King threw his hands up in frustration, his disguise fading as he did, “Fuck it! Here, take the damn paraglider! I don’t care what you do now so long as you save my daughter!”
Link practically snatched the paraglider out of the King’s hands and leaped off the tower without hesitation. King Rhoam was left to grumble to himself, “Too fucking old for this…”
Comments
Adam Daw
Boomy Zoomy had me cackling. Zelda is a precious cinnamon roll.
Bishop7053
Hopefully he's not as fast I'm bed otherwise Zelda will be disappointed
