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Gotham's Dead End Bar Ch.24
🕑 Added 2024-02-16 04:33:11 +0000 UTCThe expressions in the Dead End wouldn’t have looked out of place on soldiers returning from WWI. Nearly everyone was practically shell-shocked. Flash. Captain Cold. Riddler. Catwoman. The Bat Family. Countless mooks and goons. Even I didn’t escape unscathed. The Rabbit of Caerbannog was just as bad as I remembered.
There were a few notable exceptions to the collective trauma the beast left in its wake. Didi was largely unaffected. She just tutted lightly and began putting the wartorn Dead End back together. Klarion — the potential Chaos Lord — was shaking with laughter. He didn’t seem physically able to stop himself.
And Harley — Miss Chaos Incarnate — had a wide grin on her face. One that stretched from ear to ear. Thankfully, it was much more pleasant to look at than something her old squeeze would have worn. What was less pleasant to look at was the fact that Harley currently had a certain white rabbit sitting calmly on her lap as she petted it…
Somehow, Harley had ended up taming the Rabbit of Caerbannog. I didn’t even want to imagine the chaos that now awaited the world. The beast had given Flash a run for his money. Flash was still faster, of course. But the fact that he had to try at all was worrisome.
And now, all that adorable, unassuming power lay in Harley’s hands. Looking at it now, you’d never have thought that the innocent little rabbit was so ungodly dangerous. A beast straight from myth and humorous paradox.
Honestly, I should have expected this to happen. The rabbit was content to sit on my shelf unbothered. But it was from a rather silly reality that ran on the rules of comedy. So exactly when it was funniest, it sprung into action.
We all watched in understated horror as Damian approached Harley and her new ‘pet’, “Congratulations, Miss Quinn. He’s a worthy familiar. Have you decided on a name yet?”
Harley cackled maniacally, “Isn’t he just adorable~? I’m thinking… Tom.”
Damian nodded in approval, “A suitably imposing name. I shall be watching his career with great interest.”
He turned to Talia, “Mother. I would like a pet to match Tom.”
Even Talia winced at that, “Is Goliath not enough, Dāmi?”
“I suppose,” Damian frowned. “He will need more training.”
“I’m sure you’re more than up to the task, my son,” Talia praised, breathing a subtle sigh of relief.
“What. The actual. Fuck is that thing…?” Flash asked in whispered horror.
“A great and terrible beast,” I answered solemnly.
“Hey~!” Harley pouted. “Tom’s just a little guy~!”
I corrected myself, “A great and terrible ‘little guy’.”
“Better,” She nodded in satisfaction before breaking down into giggles.
Flash tried again for some sense of sanity, “No, seriously. It could almost keep up with ME for a second there! What the fuck?! What is it?!”
I looked at the beast — ahem, little guy — for a moment and shrugged, “A rabbit?”
“In what fucking universe?!”
Still laughing uncontrollably to himself, Klarion clarified, “Monty Python~! I can’t believe no one else recognized it~! It’s the rabbit from Holy Grail~!”
That brought Flash up short, “Oh…”
“Oh, shit…” Jason added. “How did I not see that?”
Barbara sighed, “As always when it comes to Sean… Bullshit.”
“Honestly, I think that’s the most terrifying thing you’ve shown off so far, Mr. Barkeep,” Riddler said. “Especially since it still seems to work on the rules of parody and satire.”
I nodded my agreement, “Yeah, comedy universes are always subtly more terrifying than even horror ones.”
“Aw, c’mon~” Harley implored. “He’s just a little guy~! Look at him~! He wouldn’t hurt anything more than a head of lettuce~!”
She held up her new pet as she pleaded his case. Tom didn’t so much as fidget in her grip. His little nose just twitched adorably. The rest of us looked from him to the damage he’d caused to the rest of the bar. Damage that Didi was still fixing.
“It is remarkably cute for something so fierce,” Catwoman considered.
“I must be going insane because I kind of agree,” Flash laughed to himself a bit hysterically.
Captain Cold patted him on the shoulder, “It’s much easier if you just give up and accept it. And drink. Drinking helps as well.”
“There’s a reason I opened a bar of all things,” I smirked.
“That might just be the smartest decision you’ve ever made, Sean,” Barbara snarked.
My lips quirked even further, “It’s certainly up there.”
“I… I need a drink. Cold? Do you mind sharing?” Flash asked.
Captain Cold raised an eyebrow at him, “Aren’t you on duty?”
“I’m always on duty,” Flash deadpanned. “And with my metabolism, drinking only affects me if I let it.”
“Fair enough,” With a shrug, Captain Cold poured another glass from the bottle I’d given him to hold. It seemed they both needed it now.
With a flash and a blur, Flash downed the first glass and poured himself another. He sighed, “Alright, what’s next?”
Though I was amused by his persistence, I felt the need to give him an out, “We don’t have to go through my whole trophy collection back there, you know. We can call it a night and move on to something a bit less likely to give Barbara a conniption.”
“Please?” Barbara begged sweetly.
Flash laughed, “No, I’m slowly getting used to it. It’s almost funny now. Almost… So go ahead and do your best to knock my socks off, Mr. Barkeep.”
Barbara groaned, “You just had to taunt him, didn’t you?”
“There, there, Babs,” Jason consoled her, hiding a smirk. “What’s the worst that can happen?”
She glared at him, “You did that on purpose. I just know you did.”
The smirk on Jason’s face was wicked as he stopped trying to hide it, “Maybe~”
I grinned at their dynamic and turned to Flash, “My best, huh? Let’s start you off easy.”
“Uh oh…” Catwoman muttered. “I don’t like that tone on him.”
“I REALLY don’t like that tone on him,” Riddler agreed.
“Let’s see…” I considered. “Ah, this should be a good appetizer.”
From my shelf of trophies, I called forth two specific items. One black and one white, they seemed to reflect each other perfectly. The two palm-sized orbs of unidentifiable crystal instantly attracted Catwoman’s attention.
She purred, “Oooh~ Shiny~…”
I chuckled, “You probably won’t want to touch them after I tell you what they are, Selina. These… are crystalized potential — a magical state of matter known as Materia. Specifically, the two most powerful Materia I ever encountered. They’re both one of a kind. And both magnitudes more powerful than even the strongest Excalibur I just showed you all.”
I held the two Materia in separate hands, not daring to bring them any closer together than they already were. They weren’t reactive, per se, but there was still good reason to avoid any accidental interaction between the two.
The White Materia in my left hand looked like patterned jade. Or perhaps an orb of light and smoke, considering the patterns on the Materia were in constant motion. Pale green light shined from within its core. Streaks and currents of wispy white drifted just under its surface.
The Black Materia in my right hand was the White’s perfect copy and its exact opposite. It was a purple so dark it was nearly black. A paradoxical and impossible light of darkness made the crystal orb glow.
Immediately after I brought both of them to the fore, the reactions were visceral. Pure magic flooded the bar. Just the amount radiating from each Materia was enough to match magical leylines and their intersections. The non-magicals in my audience couldn’t help but stare curiously and intently.
For the magic-sensitive among them, the reaction was much more intense. Talia and Damian didn’t do much more than flinch. Catwoman was just mystically attuned enough to be almost physically drawn to the two Materia orbs. Alice twitched hard every time she looked directly at the Materia. And Klarion was immediately reduced to a drooling, near-comatose mess by the flood of magic.
“They’re quite pretty. Like big crystal candies,” Didi hummed. “I bet they’d taste wonderful. Sean Dear, may I have a nibble?”
Even in his almost insensate state, Klarion jolted at Didi’s innocent request. He tried and failed to string together words, “W-W-W-Wha-…? B-B-Bu-… A-A-A-Ah-…”
Grinning, I held the impossibly potent Materia up to Didi’s lips. She gave each a curious lick and nibble. There was a loud crunch as a shard of crystalized potential split from each Materia and entered Didi’s mouth. She chewed and crunched loudly, sounding like she was cracking the most satisfying rock candy ever. The shards in her mouth crackled, popped, and snapped as she chewed.
The others stared at Didi with uncomprehending awe written across their faces. To a person, they all seemed unable to process what Didi had just done. Even the non-magically sensitive could feel the sheer power the Materia emitted. For the magically sensitive, Didi had just bitten into something magically priceless and almost impossible. Klarion even fainted for a brief moment before coming back around to radiate pure astonishment.
“Huh…” Harley made a little noise. “Magic crystals work like pop rocks.”
“Mmm, that is quite nice. Tingly and perfectly aligned with my concept. The black one tastes just like Death and the white one just like Life. What do they do?” Didi asked.
“I’ll get to that,” I said, radiating amusement at her shenanigans. “They’re called Black and White Materia respectively. They’re formed in the Lifestream of a planet.”
“Lifestream…?” Riddler asked.
“I almost don’t even want to know,” Jason muttered to himself.
“The Lifestream is… No, I should start with Gaia. Gaia was a planet. Not just a planet-sized lifeform. A quite literal — and quite female — planet. She was incomprehensibly vast and alien in her will, her mind. In addition to her own life force, she was a part of everything that lived on her surface. And they were a part of her in turn.
“The Lifestream was a massive ocean of souls and potential and magic that made Gaia what she was. It infused the whole planet, from its very core to its surface. It acted much like the internal structure of the Earth. Near the surface, the Lifestream was almost gaseous and as it went deeper, the pressure caused it to become liquid and then solid crystal Materia.
“Now, Gaia was entirely sentient. Utterly alien to our minds but certainly sentient. And over eons and millennia, millions of years, she began developing little things to do with her crystalized potential. Spells, you could call them. Anything from a small Fire or Cure up to the Materia I currently hold.
“Everything with a soul on Gaia gathered potential just by existing. A sort of mass perpetual potential motion machine. And this potential energy could be exercised through the soul and Materia in very specific ways. The spells. Over time, humans and other intelligent life — monsters, mostly — imprinted these spells into the Lifestream via collective consciousness. And through these spells, Materia became more specialized, taking on colors and functions.
“Nothing gathered more potential than Gaia. She was the beginning and end of all things in the Lifestream. And like I said, she was alive. So it stands to reason that she was more than conscious enough to develop spells and Materia methods of her own.”
“Oh, God… Spells cast by a planet…” Barbara realized.
Even the non-magically aware paled and gaped at the idea, “That’s… horrifying.”
“It’s fascinating,” Riddler muttered.
Klarion had mostly recovered at this point and was furiously writing down notes as I spoke as if he were in a lecture, “This is quite literally more valuable than gold! This level of understanding-! This unique take on magic and potential energy-! Entire species have been killed for less!”
“We’re getting to that,” I chuckled ominously.
“Sean…? Please tell me you don’t mean what I think you mean,” Barbara pleaded.
I held up the Black and White Materia with a grin, “These two Materia were Gaia’s ultimate creations. The White is the quintessential protective magic, capable of cleansing and healing everything on the planet. Crystalized Life of a Planet…”
“Oh, fuck,” Captain Cold realized where I was going with this.
He wasn’t alone, “Oh no…”
I indicated to the Black Materia in my palm, “And the Black one is the quintessential destruction magic, capable of calling down an extinction event in the form of the spell Meteor. Crystalized Death of a Planet…”
The silent horror in my audience was thick enough to cut with a knife. Even Flash — the man connected to the universe’s literal Speed Force — stared in open-mouthed shock.
“You have…” Barbara choked out. “A crystalized extinction event… in your FUCKING hand?!”
“And the cure for one,” I shook my head. “Everyone always seems to forget about the White Materia. Honestly, I think its protection is more impressive than the Black’s destruction.”
“What could Gaia even need those Materia for?” Klarion wondered, struck by curious awe.
“As far as I could tell?” I shrugged. “They were a last resort. To be used if Gaia ever needed to pack it all up and leave for some reason. Or Gaia just made them because she was bored. Honestly, knowing her, it could go either way.”
“You talk about the planet as if you were good friends, Sean,” Catwoman noted.
“Well, we talked quite often,” I chuckled.
Jason gave me a dead look, “You. Talked. To. The. Planet.”
“Did she say anything back?” Damian asked.
I smirked, “In her own way. Lovely lady, that Gaia.”
“Why not?!” Barbara threw her hands in the air. “Next you’re going to tell us you dated the planet too!”
“Well… You don’t get much thiccer than a planet…”
“Shiiiiiit, he ain’t wrong,” A mook laughed.
“He’s a Goddamn prophet of thiccness!” Another called.
“All hail, Mr. Barkeep the Planet Fucker!”
“You can make a religion out of this!”
“No, don’t,” Barbara cut the mooks off at the proverbial knees, turning to glare at me. “Look at what you’ve started, Sean. In Gotham, no less. If I start having to answer calls about planet-fucking cultists, I’m going to strangle you.”
Harley cackled, “Gothboy Planet Fucker~!”
“How the Hell does that even work?” Alice asked, somewhere between horrified and curious.
“Hard work and determination. Lots of hard work and determination. And a willingness to do anything for planet-sized booty,” I said, utterly serious.
After a brief silence as my serious words set in, Flash doubled over with laughter, “Oh, God, I’m going to pee! I can’t-! Holy shit, that’s so good!”
Alice looked at me with thinly veiled disgust, “That’s just awful, Dad.”
“Aww, thank you, sweetie. You called me ‘Dad’,” I smiled proudly at her.
She blushed and sputtered, “S-Shut up! I didn’t! I totally didn’t! You’re hearing things, old man!”
I sighed dramatically, pulling Didi into my side, “Oh, well. It was nice while it lasted, right, Dear?”
Didi giggled at our interplay, “You two are just adorable.”
I grinned and changed the subject, “Aren’t we? Now, that should do for a nice warm-up trophy.”
“Oh, God,” Barbara groaned. “That was him starting us off easy!”
“Hmm, what trophy should I cover next?” Scanning my shelf, one in particular stood out, “Ah! All this time and I haven’t even let them out? Isn’t that just a shame?”
I called forth the trophy from the shelf. Everyone else paused as they saw what it was. Recognition shined in the eyes of my audience. Flash’s mouth fell open in a subtle gape. Riddler and Harley’s eyes lit up like fireworks. Even Barbara and Alice stared at me with slightly startled wonder, though it was tinted with a healthy dose of dread in Barbara’s case. She knew me all too well.
“Is that…?” Jason started.
“That’s a Pokeball,” Captain Cold stated the obvious.
It was. I wasn’t even surprised it was recognized. The standard red and white Pokeball was very distinct and memorable. And I was positive the franchise existed in this universe. To what extent, I wasn’t sure. But it certainly existed for natives to recognize the famous device.
“But who’s inside it is the real riddle,” Riddler grinned excitedly.
I grinned right back, “A very much friend-shaped Pokemon.”
“Charmander?!” Someone guessed.
“Nah, Squirtle gang!”
“How can anyone not think Bulbasaur is the most friend-shaped Pokemon?!”
“To be fair, all of the starters are pretty friend-shaped.”
“Watch him pull out a freaking Wailord…” Klarion deadpanned.
“BIIIIG friend-shaped,” Harley giggled.
“I do not understand. Why is this ‘Pokeball’ in particular so interesting? What is a… ‘Pokemon’?” Damian asked, looking around in confusion at the excitement.
“Oh, you’re going to LOVE this, pipsqueak,” Jason chuckled.
Damian raised an impassive eyebrow, “I am? Why?”
“Why don’t you see for yourself,” I said, tossing the Pokeball up in the air and calling out. “Mew, I choose you!”
The catchphrase wasn’t technically needed. But even after lifetimes, there were some habits I hadn’t grown out of. With a press of the big button on the front, the Pokeball began its release process. At the apex of my toss’ arc, it burst open in a flash of light and sparkles.
The flash faded as quickly as it came, leaving a small, vaguely feline, pink friend floating in its place. Mew glanced around curiously. Its tail flicked to and fro. It looked at me, cocking its head. I gave it a small, familiar smile.
“Mew~!” Mew returned my unspoken greeting and went back to exploring their new surroundings.
Damian stared at Mew, entranced. He made a few small noises, barely more than grunts, “Ah… Hng… Friend.”
Catwoman’s breath caught in her chest as she inhaled sharply, “Oh. My. God… It’s. Freaking. EVERYTHING!”
Mew responded to both of their excitement, recognizing animal lovers when it saw them. It floated over to them, stopping to nuzzle Catwoman’s cheek for a moment. It began circling Damian with unstoppable curiosity. With a cheerful cry, Mew’s circling flight grew faster and faster.
After a few moments, Mew broke off from around Damian. It zipped here and there. Everywhere around the bar. Every little thing got a once over. Sometimes, a double take as well. The curious little creature explored so fast that it was almost a blur.
When it came to Harley, Mew paused. Fascination radiated from its little pink face, obviously inhuman but so very relatable at the same time. It sniffed at Harley’s new rabbit friend Tom. Tom calmly sniffed right back.
“Mew,” Mew nodded in satisfaction.
“Kuff,” Strangely enough, Tom seemed to nod right back at Mew.
Mew flew back over to my side, chittering excitedly, “Mew Me Mew~!”
I chuckled along with it, listening as best I could, “Yeah, bud? Oh, him? That’s Damian. Yeah, he’s pretty nice. I’m glad you like him. Tom? No idea. Your guess is as good as mine.”
“What a fascinating little creature…” Talia considered. “What is it?”
Though the others likely knew at least something about Pokemon, I explained for her sake, “This is Mew. It’s a Pokemon. In another world, Pokemon are shockingly intelligent creatures that live alongside humans. Notably, they’re not animals. They can be so much more than even humans in some ways.
“And Mew… Mew is the common ancestor of all Pokemon. Hundreds, thousands of distinct species. All evolving from Mew and its ancestors. At the same time, it’s perhaps the last of its species. It certainly is in this reality.
“Mew is a perfect shapeshifter. It can learn just about anything. It’s more intelligent than the majority of humans I’ve met. It’s also an intensely potent psychic. I reckon it’s easily capable of surpassing someone like Martian Manhunter.”
As if to demonstrate my claims, Mew flexed its powers in the air beside me. It morphed, running through a plethora of different Pokemon shapes. It even finished off by shifting into Tom and then back to its usual form. It split itself into a perfect copy before reabsorbing itself and happily calling out.
“Mew~!”
“Mew is a good friend of mine. Usually, I let it out in a new life but I was a bit… distracted this time,” I smiled somewhat sheepishly.
Mew turned to me with its hands on its hips, “Mew.”
I raised my hands in apology, “I know, I know, buddy. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again. I was just busy with meeting Didi and then the Dead End and everything else that’s happened. Actually, come meet Didi. I think you’ll like her.”
Mew didn’t need any more direction after that. It immediately zeroed in on Didi, floating over and around her. Didi smiled kindly at the little pink friend.
“My, aren’t you handsome~?”
“Mew!” Mew cried in protest.
“I’m sorry. Beautiful?”
More protest, “Mew!”
“Err… Androgynously attractive?”
Finally, Mew nodded, “Mew mew.”
“Well, you’re lovely no matter what,” Didi decided with amusement.
“Can…?” Flash asked. “Can you actually understand it…?”
Didi blinked, “Yes? Mew is being quite clear, isn’t it?”
Damian nodded, “Indeed. You just have to listen.”
Catwoman tutted, “For shame, Flash.”
Harley joined, “Yeah, dismissing someone just because they’re a bit pink, cattish, and friend-shaped? I expected better from you, Flash.”
“Don’t worry,” Captain Cold patted Flash’s shoulder in commiseration. “I didn’t get a single word from all of that either.”
“It’s really not hard,” I said. “You just have to open your mind. Mew is the very definition of psychic. It may not speak fluent English but it can most certainly communicate. Damian’s right. You just have to listen.”
Flash was still quite cautious, “You did mention that psychic bit. Is that… safe? To have a creature — a Pokemon, at that. I still can’t believe that part — that can beat out arguably the best psychic the Justice League has?”
I scoffed, “Mew is easily just as intelligent as Martian Manhunter. And it’s not like this is its first venture into world-saving business.”
Mew shifted, adopting a serious expression and a little perfectly fitting suit ala a certain British superspy. It even had a little martini glass in its paw.
“Mew… Mew Mew.”
Flash gaped at it, “Did… Did that cat just ‘Bond, James Bond’ me…?”
“Like I said,” My eyes twinkled with amusement. “Mew is very intelligent.”
“And freakin’ adorable~!” Harley’s eyes were twinkling with more than just amusement.
“Might I add ‘well-traveled’?” Riddler proposed.
I chuckled, “Oh, you have no idea.”
“My heart,” Catwoman clutched at her chest, completely serious. “Cute pink cat overload-! Damian… I leave all of my kittens to you…”
Damian nodded, just as serious, “I will treat them as my own.”
“I raised you well,” Catwoman gave a single solemn nod before keeling over onto the bar.
“You didn’t raise him for shit, you wine aunt,” Talia deadpanned.
A crunching noise drew everyone’s attention back to Mew. It had shifted a bucket of popcorn into existence and was happily munching down as it watched the Bat Family’s bit.
“Oh, God,” Flash realized in horror. “Is the cat funnier than me…?”
“Do you have any Pokemon other than Mew, Sean?” Riddler asked.
“Nah, I never really saw a point,” I waved dismissively. “Not with my pink friend here. Mew can become any other Pokemon and you can even recreate them all with its DNA. Not that I would, of course, Mew! My friend-shaped quota is easily met by you.”
Mew glared at me, nodding as if to say ‘You better not’, “Mew!”
“Uh, what’s that all about?”
“Mew can get a little… possessive when it comes to me and other Pokemon,” I explained.
While everyone processed that little fact, a mook spoke up from the background, “Hey, uh, not to diminish how cool Mew is but how is this worse than the Materia?”
“Well, I don’t plan on ANYONE getting their hands on the Materia. Ever,” I answered.
“Thank God,” Barbara bowed her head and let out a sigh of relief.
I grinned, “But Mew is worse because of what happens next. Now that it’s been released into the world, Mew isn’t going back into the ball.”
As if it was planned, Mew ‘Mewed’ loudly. A little suitcase appeared in its hand. A little Batman hat appeared on its head. I knew better than to question where it came from. Then, in a flash, it disappeared from the Dead End.
Barbara froze and turned her head back up to stare me dead in the eyes, “Sean… Is our world suddenly going to experience a flood of… Pokemon?”
“Probably not…” I considered. “It didn’t in any of the other realities we did this in. Not in my lifetime, at least. So unless God comes along and speeds up the evolution process by a bunch, I think you’re safe. I suppose Lucifer could do the same thing pretty effectively too.”
Didi giggled into her hand, “That’s exactly something he would do.”
“Sean…?” Barbara’s voice was strained now.
I smirked, “I’m not apologizing. The world can always use more Pokemon.”
“I mean, there’s only one of it? How much damage can a single Mew do?” Alice asked.
Barbara groaned. Jason groaned. Flash groaned. They all knew enough to know Alice had just invoked Murphy in a major way. Captain Cold just calmly sipped his drink, seemingly blocking out the rest of the world. The rest of the audience were all laughing like maniacs.
I smiled at my daughter, “I’m so proud of you, Alice.”
She flustered and looked away, “Whatever…”
“No, that’s it,” Barbara decided. “I’m not going to be the one to write up the report this time. Flash, you’re the newbie around here. This one is on you.”
“Shit…” Flash muttered to himself. He perked back up just as quickly, “Silver lining. I get to see the look on Supes and Bat’s faces when I tell them to keep an eye out for Pokemon.”
“Odds on Batman having a plan for exactly this happening?” A goon asked.
“No bet,” Jason shook his head. “You haven’t seen his contingency files.”
“Yeah but surely ‘Pokemon with Devil Assist’ is a bit out there even for him, right?”
Jason’s silence was telling. As was the silence from the rest of the Bat Family.
“Shit…”
“You ever think about how much your hero is sandbagging to deal with you?” Riddler asked, talking to himself mostly.
Captain Cold had a dead look in his eyes, “You have no idea…”
“I’m not that bad,” Flash grumbled good-naturedly.
“I dare you to say that to my face, Mr. ‘Run-So-Fast-That-I-Time-Travel’.”
“At least Batman doesn’t have any superpowers,” Barbara chuckled.
“Oh, please,” Riddler scoffed. “His paranoia is his superpower. Either that or it’s to the point of severe, high-functioning mental illness.”
“Yes. To both,” Three voices deadpanned at the same time. Harley, Jason, and Catwoman didn’t even have to look at each other to synch up their replies.
“I love that man,” Catwoman added. “But there is absolutely no way he’s neurotypical.”
“Oh, fuck no!” Harley laughed. “The Bat is just as fucked up mentally as almost all of us Rogues.”
“That’s why we love him though, isn’t it~?” Catwoman smirked.
Harley grinned back at her, “Wouldn’t trade heroes for the world~!”
“Speak for yourself…” Jason grumbled.
Barbara rolled her eyes, “Oh, shut up, Jason. You know you love him too deep down in that ‘black’ heart of yours.”
“I’m just saying he’s far from perfect,” Jason scowled.
“That’s the whole point, Jayjay,” Harley said as if she was explaining to a child. “Batman isn’t perfect. But he’s what we got. And he tries. Even someone like Joker could see that. Why do you think he wanted to break him so badly? Batman is Gotham’s hero and even if he’s got plenty of problems, we ain’t about to trade him away.”
The other villains at the bar nodded. Harley had summed it up pretty well. Jason could only give a brooding grunt. Talia patted her adopted son on the shoulder. Despite himself and his brooding, Jason found himself leaning into her touch.
“Uh, personally, I could do with a bit less punching?” A random mook spoke up from the background.
That got a few good laughs and managed to break the somewhat awkward mood that had come about. I chuckled and changed the subject further.
“Alright, one more trophy, and then we’ll call it a night for now. What to-… Ah! I have just the thing in mind. It’s not on the shelf back there though. Ready?”
“No,” Barbara sighed. “We’re never ready for ANYTHING you have to show us, Sean.”
“Too bad,” I grinned. “Prepare yourself as best you can. This one will be the most… well, MOST. Let’s just leave it at that.”
And with that, I reached into my Heart.
Barbara immediately panicked as she saw what I was doing, “Sean?!”
She wasn’t alone, “Oh, holy shit…”
“What the fuck…?”
“His hand’s really in there, isn’t it?”
“Jesus, he’s fuckin’ diggin’ around or something.”
“You know, I expected more blood from someone shoving their hand into their chest.”
I grinned at the reactions my little unannounced stunt had gotten. My hand was about wrist-deep in my chest. But as one of the mooks said, there was no blood. There wasn’t even a visible disturbance in my clothes. It was as if my hand had just phased right through my torso.
My fingers wrapped around the hilt of that something I had in mind. Then, I pulled. My hand came out of my Heart and something else came with it. First, it was just a handle. A hilt. Then a long shaft that should have never fit inside my chest. Finally, the specifically stylized head of what was now clearly a weapon phased free of my Heart.
I held the Keyblade before me, flourishing it slightly with fond familiarity. It was quite literally a part of me. Not just a weapon for my soul. But a weapon for my Heart. It was the most basic Keyblade. There were others just like it. But this one was mine.
Someone eventually spoke into the silence that followed me pulling a weapon from my HEART, “… Weird lookin’ ax.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle, “This… is a Keyblade. My Keyblade. A weapon of the Heart. Despite appearances, it does a more passable job as a sword than an ax. But its true purpose is in its name.”
“It’s a key…?” Alice asked, sounding surprisingly interested in my Keyblade. Or maybe pulling it from my Heart in such a way had tickled her theater kid sensibilities.
“Not just a key. It’s THE key,” I answered.
“Big fucking key,” Captain Cold grunted.
“Did you HAVE to take it out like that, Sean?” Barbara looked like she wanted to hit me right about now.
“Kinda,” I shrugged. “It is a weapon of my Heart. I mean that quite literally. I can do this…” I made my Keyblade disappear and return in a flurry of motes, “But pulling it from the Heart is always the most fitting way to reveal a Keyblade.”
Klarion finally found his voice after gaping at me like an idiot, “You have. A Keyblade…? An honest-to-magic Keyblade…? I thought they were just myths-! Legends-! This is-! This is RIDICULOUS even for you, Mr. Barkeep!”
Harley hummed a curious question, “So the ‘big fucking key’ is some big magic dealio or something?”
“You could say that,” I smirked.
“And it’d still be an understatement!” Klarion added, somewhat frantically. “Even the Materia he showed us pale before an actual Keyblade! I don’t have the words to accurately describe a Keyblade. No one does, to my knowledge. Even in the magical community, they’re mere rumors from something greater. We know just enough to be rightfully awestruck and a bit terrified of them falling into the wrong hands!”
“So… Big magic dealio?” Flash joked.
“Oh, Hecate’s nubile body!” Klarion threw his hands up in exasperation. “Yes, you simpleton! If entire species would have been killed for the Materia, entire REALITIES would be killed just for a hint of a lead on a SINGLE. FUCKING. KEYBLADE!”
My audience stared at me and my Keyblade with a new wariness in their eyes. Klarion might have been exaggerating in his frustration. But honestly, it wasn’t by much. Keyblades really were THAT powerful and valuable.
Jason shuddered, “Why does this almost not even surprise me when it comes to Sean?”
“Because we’ve become entirely too numb to insanity with him,” Barbara sighed.
“I’ll admit,” Talia said. “I find myself quite skeptical of its abilities as a weapon. It looks like it would make a poor ‘blade’.”
She wasn’t wrong. No part of the Keyblade was visibly sharp. The shaft of it looked more like a rod than a blade. And even the stylized head was rather blunt. Still, I knew just how dangerous a Keyblade could be even in just physical combat.
Amused, I brought back out one of my collected Excaliburs. Excalibur Destruction, to be more specific. It was a much more menacing sword than my Keyblade. Visibly sharp and with an intimidating almost-trident-shaped blade.
I held the domineering Excalibur horizontally before me, making sure everyone got a good look at it. Then I took my Keyblade and simply let it drop. I didn’t put any extra force behind it other than what gravity could provide. Even then, the Keyblade cleaved the magically forged Excalibur’s blade in twain like a hot knife through butter.
My audience was gaping at me again. They seemed to be doing that a lot tonight. This time, it seemed to be partially because of my casual destruction of a mythical sword and partially for the effectiveness of the ‘unassuming’ Keyblade.
“I… stand corrected,” Talia admitted fault immediately, swallowing a slight thickness in her voice.
“That is more than a little terrifying,” Flash gulped as well.
Casually tossing the Excalibur back onto the shelf behind me where it repaired itself, I smirked, “And the best part? Keyblades really aren’t intended to be swords. The sharpness is only a side benefit.”
“It seems a quite effective side benefit,” Damian deadpanned.
Klarion laughed, sounding more than a bit manic at the moment, “And that’s just the tip of the proverbial iceberg!”
“Do you want to try and explain the rest, Witch-Boy?” I asked with amusement.
He was still visibly shocked but Klarion didn’t quail before the opportunity I’d presented him, “Haha… Ha! Very well. Bear in mind that all I have to go off — all ANYONE has to go off — are myths and legends, rumors and ramblings.”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’ll correct you if you get anything wrong.”
“Oh, how reassuring…” Flash deadpanned.
I ignored him, “I’m also rather curious as to what you know. What legends of the Keyblades have managed to filter through the Source Wall?”
With still wild eyes, Klarion began to explain what he knew, “I’ve heard no clear explanation for the origin of Keyblades. If there is one, it certainly isn’t known here.”
“That’s just about right,” I added my own knowledge with a hum. “Even I don’t know where they originally come from. Not definitively. I’ve heard rumors on the topic myself. Some say they were forged as pale copies of the True Keyblade. Others say they were pulled straight from the Hearts of worthy Keyblade Wielders.”
“Fascinating…” Klarion paused to consider my words before continuing. “As Mr. Barkeep has said, a Keyblade is, in essence, two things. A weapon of the Heart. And THE key. In all the legends I’ve heard, the Heart is a very vaguely defined concept. It’s said that a Keyblade Wielder must be strong of Heart. But further definitions on what that means or what that Heart is are never given.”
“It’s certainly not the physically beating organ in your chest,” I chuckled. “The Heart is a much more metaphysical concept. Perhaps one of THE metaphysical concepts. Just as primordial and essential as the Soul.”
Didi cut in briefly to explain her perspective on the subject, “Heart and Soul are two key components of all Life. Without the Soul, there can be no Heart. But the opposite is also true. I typically deal with the Soul, almost exclusively. My sisters — Delirium, Despair, and Desire — deal with the Heart. My brothers — Dream and Destruction — deal with the Body. Destiny concerns himself with nothing more than Fate.”
“Damn,” A mook muttered. “I ain’t ever gonna get used to Miss Didi talking all casual about this kinda stuff.”
“It’s certainly interesting to hear the inner workings of existence laid bare like this,” Riddler commented.
Damian nodded, “Quite compelling indeed.”
“You don’t know the half of it,” Klarion sighed. “Nearly everything Mr. Barkeep and Lady Didi say pushes forward my understanding of magic, concepts, and reality by leaps and bounds. This place and its owners are like nothing I’ve ever encountered. A novice could become Merlin just by sitting here at this bar and listening.”
Smirking, I gave him something else to chew on, “The Heart that a Keyblade draws upon is the same Heart concept that Didi’s family deals with. Concepts such as these are impossible to fully put into words. You have to experience and meditate on them at a profound level to even begin to comprehend them. But I’ll try to put it simply.
“Fate and Body are relatively simple. Which doesn’t mean much for primordial concepts but I digress. The Body is all about the PHYSICAL. Not just flesh, blood, and sensation. More like what ties a being to the physical world, to everything, and to nothing. THE BODY IS A CONDUIT.
“Fate is the past, present, and all futures. Cause, effect, and all continuities between. It’s all about actions, events, and CHOICES. FATE IS FREEDOM AND BONDAGE.
“The Soul is where it starts to get a bit complicated. Yeah, yeah, I know, ‘starts’ is a bad way to phrase it. But the Soul isn’t so ‘easily’ quantifiable as the Body or Fate. It’s something more and something less, simple and complex. It’s all about consciousness and being, the core of what makes something UNIQUE. THROUGH LIFE, DEATH, AND ETERNITY, THE SOUL IS ONE.
“And finally, the Heart is arguably quite similar to the Soul. This is a vast oversimplification but if the Soul is thought, the Heart is emotion. Only so much more. The Heart is all about CONNECTIONS. THREADS THAT BIND AND CONNECT US, THE HEART IS MANY.”
I finished each brief, touching explanation with a familiar mantra. The mantras poured from my lips before I could stop them. A throwback to my cultivation days. They, in particular, might have been a bit much.
A few of the listening mooks were physically and violently twitching in their seats at my explanation. One was even crying silent, overwhelmed tears. Even the least affected were staring into the distance with almost blank eyes. In fact, no one escaped my explanation unscathed.
“Owwww…” Alice winced. “My freakin’ head.”
“Ditto,” The entire rest of my audience said in unison.
Barbara rubbed her temples and let out a long-suffering sigh, “Sean, please don’t give out unearthly, unknowable, Eldritch truths so casually. Please. For everyone’s sake.”
“I-I… don’t think I… am able to continue my explanation at this point,” Klarion stuttered. “I-… That-… It-…”
I cut him off with a soothing chuckle, “I get it. I may have gotten a bit carried away there. That probably gave you a lot to think about.”
“Understatement of the freakin’ century,” Jason grumbled.
Harley pouted, “You made my brain go all super fizzy, Gothboy.”
“You know I’ll blow your mind anytime, Harley~” I smirked at her.
“Yeah, I just prefer when you do it with orgasms, not spooky reality source code.”
I laughed at the expression on her face and said, “Duly noted. Now, I suppose I should pick up where Klarion left off. Let’s start again with the true purpose of the Keyblade.”
“Yeah, you keep saying it’s ‘THE key’. What exactly does that mean?” Riddler asked curiously.
“Pretty much what it says on the tin, only taken to an existential extreme,” I explained. “A Keyblade is a master key to existence.”
“Oh~?” Catwoman purred, showing clear interest. “That sounds like it could be pretty useful in my line of work~”
I chuckled, “Mundane and even magical locks are only the beginning. A Keyblade can lock or unlock ANYTHING.”
“Any… thing…?”
“Anything,” I nodded. “Quite literally anything. From the mundane to the conceptual. From someone’s locker to the Heart of the world itself. And with that much freedom of ability, you can imagine that the applications get pretty damn creative…
“One of the Keyblade’s most famous abilities is how it can be used to lock or unlock literal dimensions. And that’s a relatively simple application of the Keyblade’s true potential, all things considered.”
“It’s a truly terrifying power,” Klarion put in, recovering slightly from his profound enlightenment. “Off the top of my head, you could lock someone’s magic or powers. Or you could unlock their soul from their body.”
“Oh, God…” Catwoman whispered.
“So, uh,” A mook uttered awkwardly. “Probably don’t use it when ya forget yer keys, huh?”
“No, probably not,” Klarion drawled flatly.
“Honestly, I’ve used it for more trivial things,” I admitted. “But I try not to resort to it for everything. With a strong enough Heart, there are truly no limits to the Keyblade. It can be used for good or for evil. For Light or Darkness. It can be a Wielder’s greatest tool or their greatest crutch.”
“I’m almost afraid to ask but…” Flash hesitated. “Is there any chance we can get a demonstration?”
I shrugged, “Sure, why not? You need it for your report, right?”
“Something like that,” Flash said. “It would certainly help to see the Keyblade’s power in action. I don’t think even Batman would fully believe me otherwise.”
“He would,” Jason uttered, sounding a bit dead inside. “He’s met Sean.”
Flash chuckled, “Still…”
I nodded and waved my Keyblade through the air above the bar top. The Connection between dimensions was unlocked and slashed through by the esoteric blade. A strangely keyhole-shaped tear in reality opened up. On the other side, there was only Darkness.
“There you are,” I said. “Simple as.”
My audience watched the process and the keyhole in reality with blatant awe, “Where…?”
Whoever spoke was instantly cut off by something coming through the keyhole. A small Shadow. A little black gremlin. A sliver of Heartless Darkness. And even it seemed confused about its sudden appearance. Glowing yellow eyes looked around almost innocently.
“What the heck is that little guy~?!” Harley exclaimed.
I almost blushed, “Ah, oops. That’s embarrassing. There wasn’t supposed to be anything on the other side of that. Seems a Shadow slipped through. No matter, this should be easy enough to deal with-…”
I closed the keyhole again. But just as I turned to deal with the Heartless, another portal opened, this one off to the side above the bar. Suddenly, a rainbow of appearance and emotion shined upon the Dead End. A familiar Endless came flying out through the portal.
“Weeeeee~!” Delirium whooped and cheered as she zoomed out of her portal. “Hi, Sean~! Hi, Didi~!”
Before anyone could reply to her or really even process her sudden arrival, Delirium opened her mouth much wider than what should have been possible. Rainbow teeth and a pitch-black void soon greeted the Heartless. It barely got a chance to blink.
“Nom~!”
Delirium didn’t pause her course for a single second, soon enough disappearing into an identical portal that appeared opposite the one she entered through, “Bye, Sean~! Bye, Didi~!”
And just like that, Delirium was gone. Insanity left the Dead End as quickly as it came. Everyone was stunned silent. Even me.
“What. The. Fuck. Just. Happened…?” Flash asked stiffly.
Didi tittered behind her hand, “That was Del, my sister. I very much doubt we’ll have to worry about that little creature ever again.”
“Why am I not even surprised that Lady Delirium would think a little Darkness Demon was an appropriate snack?” Klarion asked rhetorically.
“Not a Darkness Demon,” I corrected. “That was a Heartless-…”
“Nope! No, that’s it! We’re done for the night!” Barbara decided with a slightly fed-up shout. “No more! I’m putting my foot down. We’ve had enough impossible things for one night. Any more and you’re going to drive me to drink!”
“Join the club,” Captain Cold snorted, raising his glass.
I grinned, “Come now, Babs. You should have known to expect impossibility in the Dead End.”
She glared at me and grumbled, “This stupid, sexy, Gothboy D better be fucking worth it…”
“Oh, Girl-Bat~” Harley singsonged with a grin to match mine. “You have no~OOO~oo idea~!”
Comments
Thanooxay Sithithapanya
More please
Dave
TFTC!
