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Gotham's Dead End Ch.27
🕑 Added 2024-02-26 00:45:41 +0000 UTCContrary to the usual norm, the Dead End didn’t wake with the rising sun. Instead, we stirred when it began to fall below the horizon. The ultimate effect was still the same, especially when it came to Harley.
She groaned, “Uuuuuuugggghhhhh~… Stupid fuckin’ sunset… Stupid fuckin’ job… Stupid fuckin’ five to nine…”
“You know it’s not actually a five to nine, right? We don’t officially open our doors until about eight o’clock,” I replied in amusement.
“Shut up and cuddle me closer, idiot,” Harley grumbled. “I still can’t feel my legs from this morning…”
“Join the club,” Ivy groaned from the other side of Harley.
“I feel fine,” Didi said happily from behind me. “Perky, honestly.”
“Omnipotence is cheating when it comes to recovering from Gothboy’s D,” Harley shot back at her.
I could hear Didi frown, “That doesn’t seem very fair to me.”
“It’s not fair to the rest of us either!” Harley snapped.
I chuckled at their bickering, “Should I work my magic and see if I can’t heal you two?”
“Oh, Gothboy, I love you~!” Harley suddenly exclaimed.
“Of course, healing you will just mean you have to go to work,” I pointed out.
“Fuck…” Harley hesitated but not for long. “Fine. It’s still worth it. I can’t feel my toes right now. If I try to get up, I’m going to find out firsthand how comfortable the floor is. And then there will be no hope of getting me up.”
“Goddess, you’re right… The floor does sound comfortable right about now,” Ivy mumbled.
“Just hurry up and work your magic, Gothboy. And not the ‘mindblowing D’ magic you worked this morning,” Harley requested.
“As you wish,” I agreed with a smirk.
I laid hands on the two women. It wasn’t very had to do considering our current position. Arranged front to back in a four-person chain of spooning, I had easy access to the two in front of me. A quick spell, a flex of magic, and a tiny bit of concentration set a flood of warmth in motion.
Using actual healing magic would have been overkill. The girls weren’t hurt. Just exhausted and run dry by our morning ‘activities’. Additionally, using conceptual Death was a bit more permanent than necessary. So instead of something like ‘Cure Wounds’ or ‘Death of Fatigue’, I used a bit of Restoration.
Restore Lost Vitality along with a touch of Fortify Body. My soul glowed ever so slightly. Light and Restoration flowed from me slowly, softly, and yet, unstoppably. Magic (Magicka, more accurately) glowed in my hands, pressed over the cores of Harley and Ivy’s bodies. Almost immediately, their fatigue was swept away. Energy and subtle strength filled their beings.
Ivy shivered. Harley shuddered. They both seemed to glow slightly, that same sunny yellow as the Magicka from my hands. Pressed down upon by a pleasant weight, Harley and Ivy only seemed to stand stronger for it.
Harley moaned, “Oh, yeah~ That’s the stuff~!”
“Goodness, Sean,” Ivy said, breathless. “Waking up with you is better than chewing pure coffee beans.”
“Glad I could help,” I smiled.
Almost immediately, Harley tried to put her newfound energy to ‘good’ use, “You know, you could help in another way now that I can move again~”
She pushed herself back against me, little-spooning me tightly. My cock slipped between her legs and began to stir. Like riding a horse horizontally, Harley gyrated her hips. Like a little firecracker, Harley was raring to go again as soon as she was able.
“No, Harley,” Ivy chided gently but firmly. “Bad, Harley.”
“Awww, c’mon, Red~” Harley whined. “Don’t we have time for a quickie or two or three~?”
“No,” Ivy held firm. “Now, hurry up and get up. If I have to work tonight, you do as well.”
“Ah, phooey…” Harley pouted.
Ivy offered her an olive branch, “If you’re quick enough, I’ll cook you breakfast. Dinner… whatever.”
“Ooooh~! Omelet~!” Harley cheered excitedly. “With plenty of spinach and mushrooms and-! And-! Arugula and basil~!”
“You know I can’t do mushrooms, baby,” Ivy pointed out with amusement.
“Yep~! That’s why I thought ahead and bought some fresh the other day~!”
“Very well. I shall make your omelet. But you have to get up first.”
That was all the prompting Harley needed. She sprung from the bed as if she hadn’t just been grumbling and complaining about having to wake up. Naked and bouncing on her toes in a way that did wonderful things to her tight, perky body, Harley dragged Ivy from the bed as well.
I chuckled at their antics as they left. Well, chuckled and enjoyed the view they offered me and Didi. So much bouncing, jiggling flesh from Harley… So much tantalizingly smooth green skin and a perfectly plush and proportional profile from Ivy… The supple slightly squished swells of breast pressed against breast as Harley excitedly pulled Ivy along with her… It certainly wasn’t a view someone easily turned away from.
“And us, Dear?” Didi asked, cuddling herself into my back.
“I suppose we should be getting up as well,” I answered.
But instead of following through on my words immediately, I turned around on the bed, coming face to face with Didi. She gave me a soft, loving smile. I embraced the softness of her smaller body. My half-hardened member found its way between us, sandwiched between her supple stomach and my abs.
“Come, Dear,” Didi reminded. “Another night of stories and chaos awaits.”
I chuckled, “Indeed it does. Well, I would hate to keep my faithful audience waiting.”
Somehow, we managed to get up out of bed without separating an inch. Standing tall on her tiptoes, I hugged Didi to me for a moment. She let out a fond sigh, resting her head on my shoulder. I gave her an equally fond squeeze.
“I have to wonder who will show up tonight,” I said as we finally came apart. “Barbara and Kara? Someone new? I did extend that invitation to Black Canary and John Constantine. Perhaps we’ll have some live music tonight?”
“That would be nice,” Didi hummed. “I think I would like to dance.”
“Then I shall make it happen, m’lady,” I bowed graciously, playing up the bit for her.
Didi grinned softly, subtly, “As you should, my Dear.”
We shared a laugh, enjoying an easy chemistry. Two small flicks of the wrist were all it took to put an end to our naked states. Another fixed Didi’s beautifully messy hair and my own. Now dressed and presentable, I bowed again and waved Didi forward.
“After you.”
“You just want to watch me leave,” Didi commented cannily.
I grinned, “And I’ll never try to hide it. I quite like walking behind you, Didi darling.”
My blatant compliment and praise for her shapely behind only made Didi’s cheeks color slightly. We were making progress there. What a shame. Flustering her was oh so much fun.
She walked out of our shared bedroom, putting a very noticeable sway in her steps. Mesmerized, I watched her hips move. Clad in jeans so tight they could have been a second skin, Didi from the back was a work of art. From the attempt at sultry, smoldering eyes she sent me from over her shoulder, she knew that much.
I grinned even wider. Of course, Didi learning to fire back could be just as fun.
I followed her dutifully like I would follow her to the ends of the Earth. As it so happened, I would do just that if she merely asked. That wasn’t much of a labor when she looked this good from behind.
Harley and Ivy had commandeered our kitchen. Harley was singing something happy and off-key as she sat on the counter watching Ivy cook for her. Something something ‘Allstar’ by the sound of it. Did I want to consider the implications that Shrek existed in this reality? That made 69 lives in a row now. No matter where I went, that damned ogre followed, even when it didn’t logically make sense like in less modern worlds. I’d basically given up and decided to consider Shrek a constant of existence at this point.
Still, it seemed music was in the air tonight. It made me wonder if Canary and Constantine would decide to take me up on my offer. It’d been a few days since my visit to the Watchtower and impromptu pseudo-date with Kara. Maybe that was enough time for them to figure something out. Enough time to ‘get the old band back together’, so to speak.
The rest of that visit had gone surprisingly well. ‘Surprisingly’ because of how mad Barbara had been at the shenanigans Kara and I got up to around the station. It only took a bit of teasing, misdirection, and sneaky headpats to get her to calm down and see the humor of the situation. And then she was more than eager to join us in zipping around the station.
I did have to carry her for that. But I think she enjoyed that part as much as the speed we were ‘flying’ at. Flying for Kara, just keeping up with her for me. That particular trick of mine didn’t rely on super speed on my part. It was more of a tethering technique that tied me to speedy ‘problem children’ like Kara and Ruby.
After Barbara had calmed down, we had a lot of fun causing chaos on the station. We did have to be careful about dodging Superman while we did though. Kara still didn’t want me to meet her cousin just yet. She said she didn’t want to chance his reaction until she had Ma Kent there to keep him in line.
I may have helped her avoid him a tiny bit. Otherwise, there wasn’t much that could stop Superman from finding us on an enclosed space station. It wasn’t too much though. Just a small SEP field targeted at him alone. Exactly enough to make sure he always missed us à la some kind of humorous Scooby Doo-esque montage.
All in all, that had been a fun day. And we’d even made it back in time for me to open the bar. Barbara and Kara had stuck around for a little while. Just long enough for me to drive them a bit insane and speechless with the story of the Legendary Oppai Dragon.
IIIII
“The. What…?” Barbara asked flatly as if she didn’t believe her own ears.
“What a guy…” A mook muttered in awe and admiration.
“He’s a hero. A true hero.”
“Kid wasn’t ashamed to chase his dream, no matter what society said about him. Shit, you gotta respect that kinda determination.”
Kara cocked her head innocently, “Doesn’t ‘Oppai’ mean ‘breasts’ in Japanese?”
“It does indeed. Very good, Kara. You didn’t even stutter over saying a lewd word like breasts,” I nodded proudly.
Kara huffed, “There’s nothing lewd about breasts. They’re a perfectly natural and normal part of the female body.”
I stared at her, raising a single, flat eyebrow, and tested her claim, “Titty.”
Kara burst into a furious blush in an instant, gaping at me and sputtering, “T-That~! T-T-T-Titty~?! Sean, that was entirely uncalled for!”
“And yet here we are. You were saying something about breasts not being lewd at all?”
“They aren’t if you don’t make them lewd…” Kara pouted, her cheeks still red enough to cook an egg.
“As fun as teasing Kara is-…” Barbara started.
“Babs~?!” Kara exclaimed.
Barbara pressed right on over her friend’s betrayal, smirking slightly, “Can we get back to the utter insanity that is a capital ‘D’ Dragon being powered up by tits?”
“Honestly?” A mook considered. “That’s not that insane.”
“Yeah,” Another agreed. “I’ve heard of weirder things in Gotham alone. Much less the rest of the world.”
“Crazy Quilt?”
“Crazy Quilt.”
“Anyone else heard of a guy named Snowflame? I bet his… everything could give the Oppai Dragon a run for his money,” Yet another mook said.
“The cocaine-powered supervillain? Yeah, that one’s pretty odd.”
Barbara opened her mouth to protest. It snapped closed just as quickly. She raised a finger in acknowledgment, “… Point. But I still think this ‘Issei Hyoudou’ is in a league of his own when it comes to insanity. Crazy Quilt is just very neurodivergent and Snowflame doesn’t power up high enough to beat down gods.”
A round of shrugs went through the mooks, “Yeah, I guess that’s fair. Still think he’s the realest hero I’ve ever heard of though.”
“Kid’s living the dream. HIS dream.”
I grinned, “You haven’t heard anything yet. Prepare yourselves… for the sheer fucking insanity that could be reached by a universe that ran on Oppai Logic™.”
“Oh, God,” Barbara groaned. “Something even Sean thinks is insane. We’re doomed…”
IIIII
I smirked to myself. That had been fun as well. It’d been enough for even Barbara — who was quite used to my bullshit — to beg off for the night. Kara seemed conflicted about the story. On one hand, lewd. Issei was an undeniable pervert. On the other, he was also a genuinely good guy. Heroic, caring, and surprisingly wholesome at times. He was a good guy… But again, pervert.
My mind wandered onto unimportant things as we left Harley and Ivy to their breakfast and made our way down to the bar. Well, unimportant things and Didi’s ass. Which was VERY important. Perhaps the most important thing in existence. Mmmmm~ Dead ass…
So taken by that ‘dead ass’, I made my move as Didi unlocked the bar. I pressed myself up against her from behind, one hand coming around to rest on her stomach and the other palming that deadly miracle of a behind I was so fixated on. She giggled as I shuffled us both through the now-unlocked door.
Before I could do anything more, I noticed something was off. We weren’t alone in the Dead End. I was on edge for only a moment before realizing who had finally come to visit. After that realization, I didn’t completely relax but I was much less worried about some strange intruder breaking through my domain’s barriers.
“Cousin Luci?” Didi gasped in surprise and excitement.
“The one and only,” The man at my bar said with a smirk, his voice somehow delightfully smug and insufferably likable at the same time.
The man sitting at my bar was tall, blonde, and handsome. His features leaned masculine but there was an androgyny there. A malleability of shape and form. As if that masculinity could change at any instant. As if the man could be who or whatever he wanted to be. But ‘he’ — for now — just sat there with a drink already in hand, seeming to have served himself. Utterly confident, unbothered, and unconcerned with the fact that he was intruding.
I’d met many VERY powerful beings throughout my 69 lives. Even then, Lucifer Morningstar was impressive. Not for some knee-bending aura he emitted. But for the opposite. He was impressive because of just how LITTLE I could sense from him.
Nearly nothing leaked through his control. But if I looked close enough, I could still see a sliver of his truth. A taste of Creation, something vast and unquantifiable. Even just a taste was, put simply, ENOUGH.
There was a link in that sliver. To Creation, to something more. As if Lucifer was just one end. One half of an equation. A question without an answer. And if he was the question, I had a feeling his brother Michael would be the answer.
Lucifer was one of the most powerful beings I’d ever had the pleasure of meeting. I didn’t doubt he could likely do anything he set his mind to. But to create something out of nothing, I knew he needed his brother, the answer to his question. Michael. The other half of the Demiurge. For only the Biblical God — The Presence — could fully embody the Truth of the Demiurge, gifting one-half each to His two first sons.
More distinctions leaked through the sliver of Lucifer that I could see. Rebellion. Freedom and even more chains as a result. And light. No… LIGHT. So much LIGHT. The Light-Bringer. Lucifer was a star, a Morningstar. The herald of more LIGHT to come.
Surprisingly enough, I couldn’t see any ‘sin’. He wasn’t pure. But his LIGHT washed away any sin one might normally associate with the literal Devil. And there was also something strangely familiar in Lucifer’s sliver of truth. A sentiment free of worry and care. A sense of… retirement.
“What are you doing here, Luci?” Didi asked, smiling brightly.
“Some mysterious benefactor happened to connect my neighborhood to yours. I figured I might as well visit since it was made so easy and open. And since that same mysterious benefactor left me a most amusing message,” Lucifer smirked.
“Ah,” Didi nodded. “Sean’s expansion efforts. Yes, I can see how a message from my dear Sean might get your attention.”
“Guilty,” I said, raising a hand freely. “Did you enjoy the short tale of Aziraphale and Crowley and the Anti-Christ?”
“It was certainly an interesting read. Why, it was positively gut-busting. Those two would hate to read about what their close alternates got up to together. I may just have to start shipping these versions of them now. Perhaps it will finally get Crowley to acknowledge their feelings here as well,” Lucifer replied with palpable amusement.
Didi sighed fondly, “Honestly, Sean? You just couldn’t resist, could you?”
I grinned, “I never can.”
“Stories from another life aside,” Didi turned back to Lucifer. “I’m glad you came to visit, cousin.”
“As am I, little Didi,” Lucifer smiled, still smug but also a bit more genuine. “I saw you on the news, you know? It was quite a pleasant surprise to see my most overworked ‘relative’ mucking about on Earth like I am.”
“I’ve found something worthwhile outside of simply walking souls to their eternities,” Didi glanced at me softly while she said that.
“Congratulations, little Didi,” Lucifer clapped casually. “On your Prince Consort and on your new purpose. Perhaps I’ll get to walk you down the aisle soon enough?”
Didi blushed but didn’t refute his claim, “Perhaps.”
My arm still around her gave a slight squeeze as I hummed, “You know, I’ve been wondering. What is the actual relation here?”
“Simply put? It all comes back to Father,” Lucifer answered with lazy mirth.
I deadpanned. “It all comes back to the Source, Presence, and Demiurge. The Father Himself. Like everything else in Creation? Gee, really? You don’t say?”
Eyes of brimstone burned with amusement, smirking back at me, “Something like that, yes.”
“I’d call you a smug motherfucker but I don’t think you actually have a mother,” I sniped.
Lucifer — the Light-Bringer, the Maker, the literal Devil — laughed, “Oh, wonderful! Simply wonderful! I don’t think I’ve heard that one before.”
When his laughter ebbed, he said, “I do have a mother though. Just so you know. Mother is… Mother. Let’s just leave it at that.”
“Is she hot?” I asked bluntly.
Lucifer blinked, “Ex-cuse… me…?”
“Your mother. Is she hot? It sounds to me like she would be the ultimate MILF,” I elaborated, still as blunt as a hammer.
“I-…” It must have taken a lot to make the Devil bewildered. My blunt, unthinkably crass question seemed to do it though. He shuddered slightly, “I don’t think I can answer that. I don’t think I WANT to answer that. Honestly, I’ve NEVER-! You have a very, very special mind…”
I shrugged, “Just asking.”
“And I don’t know whether to LAUGH or CRY that you are!”
“Please don’t cuckold the Source of All Things, Dear,” Didi chastised, pinching me to get her point across.
Lucifer blinked again then suddenly smirked, “Well, when you put it like THAT…!”
“If you insist, Dear,” I nodded patiently. “I won’t seduce the MILF of All Things.”
Lucifer barked a laugh, looking torn between disgust and amusement. Amusement won out, “You are absolutely terrible. I LOVE it!”
Didi sighed, “I have the worst feeling that you two will get along all too well…”
“Game Recognizes Game,” I shrugged.
“Quite,” Lucifer’s lips quirked slightly.
“That-…” Didi sighed again, heavier this time. “Very well, Dear. Shall I leave you to get to know your new best friend? Someone still has to open the bar tonight, after all.”
I shook my head, “I can work and talk. I won’t make you do it all alone. Are you planning on sticking around, Lucifer?”
“I think just I might,” He said, lazily waving his martini without it spilling a drop. “You’ve got a quaint little place here. Not as good as my Lux but then, nothing is.”
“We’ll have to agree to disagree on that one,” I said as Didi and I went about the usual opening routine. “The Dead End is quite special in its own way. You may have noticed the clown attraction we have. And all of my trophies lend the space a homey feel, of course. Why, my little Dead End is even starting to think for herself.”
“Truly? Oh my, yes, I can see what you mean now,” Lucifer frowned so minutely it was barely noticeable. “Well, that’s just unacceptable. I’ve had Lux much longer than you and it hasn’t developed any sort of Genius Loci… I’ll have to see about rectifying that.”
“Sounds like a lot of words to say ‘point, Dead End’,” I smirked.
He grinned, “Oh, I don’t know if I’d go that far. My Lux has advantages of its own. Me, of course-…”
“Obviously,” I added flatly.
His grin widened, “Yes, obviously. But we also have our own Mazikeen.”
“And we have our own Didi,” I pointed out.
That gave him a moment of pause, “Ah… Hmm, it’s quite an even match-up, it seems.”
“So it seems,” I nodded. “Perhaps a truce is in order?”
Lucifer sighed faux-dramatically, “I suppose. Otherwise, we’ll just go around in circles like this all night. And I think I’d rather get to know the fascinating soul from beyond the Source Wall.”
“You’ll get to know me well enough if you make your visits a regular routine,” I said. “And I believe Didi would enjoy seeing her cousin Luci more often. The same goes for Delirium, though she isn’t here anywhere near as consistently as Didi.”
“Yes, keeping little Del on a regular schedule is a task that even my Father would struggle with,” Lucifer said. “Though it would be good to see her again. Have you met the rest of Didi’s siblings yet?”
“No, the others haven’t shown up yet,” Didi answered for me. “I’m sure they know that they’re welcome and that we’re expecting them at any time though.”
“More like ‘dreading’ in some cases,” I quipped.
Didi chided me lightly, “Be nice, Dear. I love all of my siblings. Even the more… challenging ones.”
“Yes, Dear,” I surrendered dutifully. “I’m just both dreading and anticipating having some of them show up at the bar during business hours. Mostly Desire, if I’m being honest.”
Didi sighed, “Ah, yes, Desire will be difficult in her usual very specific way.”
I absently noticed the Dead End shift as we spoke. Not due to anything we did, but to accommodate the whims of a regular guest of the bar. A window appeared high on one of the walls, the perfect size for a petite young woman to fit through. The convenient entry point existed only long enough for the first guest of the night to slip through it.
The unannounced guest was, perhaps predictably, one of the Bats. Black Bat — Cass — wasted no time getting to what she came for. She made a beeline for me to extract her near-nightly headpat tax.
I already had my patting hand up and ready as Cass ghosted silently behind the bar. She didn’t go nearly as unnoticed as she thought she did. All three of us were a bit beyond the effectiveness of borderline mundane stealth. Lucifer’s brimstone eyes tracked Cass the entire way through the bar. She didn’t seem to mind at all, tunnel visioned as she was on the prospect of headpats.
“Hello, Cass,” I greeted plainly. “Nice night?”
“(✦ ‿ ✦)” She nodded firmly twice. ‘It’s about to get even nicer!’
I rolled my eyes, “Yes, yes, I have your headpats, you little gremlin. Honestly, you’re worse than a slavedriver when it comes to these things.”
“（ΦωΦ）” Cass’ expression was unrepentant and almost cat-like in its smugness.
“There’s no need to give me those eyes,” I pretended to grumble, much more amused than I let on.
“(✯◡✯)”
“(─‿‿─)”
“( ´ ∀ `)ノ～ ♡”
Stars in her eyes transitioned into purring, eyes-closed, smug-faced bliss as I started paying my headpat dues. Cass even waved a heart in my direction… somehow.
“Does this happen often?” Lucifer asked, watching us as laughter danced in his fiery eyes.
“Almost every night. She has a problem,” I deadpanned.
“(`o´)” Beneath her half-mask, the outline of Cass’ mouth opened wide in an ‘O’ of shock and indignation.
“⋋_⋌” She glared at me. ‘*Anger!* I do not~!’
“What a cute pet Bat,” Lucifer commented with audible amusement.
“( ๑òᆺó๑ )” Cass turned her glare onto him. ’Not cute!’
Lucifer just nodded and corrected himself, understanding her perfectly, “Ah, my apologies. Deadly pet Bat.”
“<(￣︶￣)>” Cass ‘smugged’ without shame, even planting proud fists on her hips and holding her head high. ‘The deadliest!’
Shaking my head fondly, I continued patting her head. Cass dissolved into a satisfied headpat puddle. Her leg even did that little stompy kick thing that animals sometimes did. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you… the most deadly Bat.
Damian would probably get quite mad if he knew I thought of Cass with that title. Unfortunately for him, it was simply true. The race was close, sure. Damian was quite deadly himself. But Cass had been raised as a living weapon, taught to speak only the language of deadly combat, and so she did end up beating out Damian when it came to deadliness.
“(-。-;)” After a few good moments of headpats, Cass turned languid, questioning eyes onto Lucifer as if to ask, ‘So who’s this then.’
Not needing any help translating Cass’ ‘words’, Lucifer grinned wickedly and answered her, “Oh me? Lucifer Morningstar. A pleasure, I’m sure.”
“(°ロ°)!” Cass’ mouth went wide in shock. ‘Oh no!’
“ ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ “ Moments later, she just shrugged. “Anyways…”
Lucifer blinked back surprise, both from being believed so readily and at Cass’ kind of ‘nothing’ reaction, “That’s certainly a new reaction to me saying my name.”
Cass began all but ignoring him immediately after learning who he was. Headpats were more important to her than the literal Devil, it seemed. Lucifer looked more than a bit lost. Amused, but lost as well.
I sent him a not-so-subtle smirk, “Not used to being believed?”
“Honestly? No, not really,” Lucifer shook his head with a chuckle. “No one believes I’m THAT Lucifer. Especially not on the first meeting.”
“I thought as much,” I nodded. “You’re welcome, by the way. For the change of pace.”
“You did something?” He asked curiously.
“Just extended some of the Dead End’s benefits to you,” I answered. “Usually, I’m the only one using the ‘truth-seeing’ feature of the bar.”
Lucifer considered my words for a moment, seeming to look inward. I could tell ‘inward’ wasn’t quite the right direction though. A ray of morning LIGHT shined across the Dead End, across my domain. His eyes lit up with realization.
“Ah… Now, that is certainly interesting. Useful too, I suspect.”
“I’ve found it to be a near necessity. Otherwise, no one would bear with my insanity. And stories are much less fun when no one believes them,” I chuckled.
“Being the only one in on the joke has its own advantages,” Lucifer said, smirking. “But even that HAS gotten a bit boring lately.”
“Hence, the change of pace. Why don’t you try being believed wholeheartedly for once? I think you’ll quite enjoy it,” I nodded, already anticipating the chaos I was about to unleash upon the world.
“I think I will. I think I will indeed…”
“Well, you’ll get more than enough chances tonight, cousin Luci,” Didi called over to us, officially opening the Dead End for the night. “Showtime, boys. Don’t play too rough with the mortals now.”
Lucifer’s grin seemed to take on a LIGHT and life of its own, “No promises~”
Almost immediately after Didi ‘opened’ our doors, we received an influx of regulars. The usual mooks and goons filtered into the bar over about a quarter of an hour as Lucifer and I made pleasant small talk. Regular citizens came with them but as always, they mostly stuck to the tables around the bar and not the bar proper. Then came a few of my bar’s ‘named characters’.
Penguin and Two-Face came in together, talking amiably to each other. It seemed they were in the process of arranging an informal alliance of sorts between their gangs. That arrangement obviously wasn’t in the serious stages of talk though, considering the fact that they were speaking on it in public.
Catwoman sauntered through, as slinky as ever. She seemed to be feeling humorous tonight, ordering a virgin White Russian with extra cream. Which was just cream. Still, I served her order with minimal fuss.
Finally, our nightly Bat representative came in to join Cass. It seemed we had Dick tonight. I’m sure he’d be feeling like he drew the short straw there soon enough.
The entire time the regulars were coming in, Lucifer and I talked about nothing subjects. Well, as nothing as a conversation with the Devil could get. Still, relatively simple topics like Lucifer’s brief stint as a police consultant didn’t raise TOO many eyes at the Dead End. I could tell he was strictly schooling a mischievous smirk of anticipation the whole time.
“Having the usual, Cass? I’d ask for a serving of my own but I don’t think that’d go over all too well,” Dick joked as he sat down at the bar.
“You’re both too old and not nearly cute enough to get headpats from me, Dick,” I shot back at him.
He clutched his heart in good-natured, faux-dramatic rejection, “Agh~…! Struck right where it hurts most!”
“Don’t worry, little ‘Wing,” Catwoman patted his head for me. “Some people still find you cute. Didn’t I catch Huntress leaving your apartment just the other day?”
“Uh…” Dick froze awkwardly. “No…?”
“Really~?” Catwoman teased the oldest of her surrogate children. “I could have sworn I saw her leaving from the fire escape at the crack of dawn with bedhead and suspiciously swollen lips~ Not even breakfast, Dickie~? For shame…”
“Shit,” He mumbled to himself. “You’re not going to tell the others, are you?”
Catwoman chuckled, “Of course not. I’m the cool mom after all, aren’t I?”
Dick nodded dutifully, “The coolest.”
“They grow up so fast…” Penguin said, pretending to sigh.
“I know, right? I swear it was just yesterday that I first heard ‘Holy Guacamole!’ from the shadows,” A mook cut in, sniffling. As far as I could tell, he WASN’T pretending.
“Ugh, not the ‘Holy Guacamole’…” Dick groaned. “I was eight, for golly-goshness sake!”
“And your sense of humor still hasn’t grown at all, it seems,” I sniped.
“Of course it has,” Dick replied almost absently. “I was an amateur back then. I’ve developed my craft with age.”
“Hey, Mikey! What was it Nightwing called ya when ya were running from him the other night?” A mook called out off to the side.
Another mook called in reply, “A summer-seasoned lemon-sucker!”
We all turned back to Dick with raised eyebrows, “Developed your craft, huh?”
Dick held his head unrepentantly high, “I happen to think that’s a pretty good one.”
Lucifer’s honest chuckle drew attention to him. Which was a feat since he had the ‘best’ seat in the house, right across the bar from me. Yet ‘somehow’, he’d gone completely unnoticed until he wanted to be.
Almost immediately upon seeing the new face, a mook slung a friendly arm around Lucifer’s shoulder, “I don’t think I recognize ya here, partner. First time? Don’t worry yer pretty boy blond head. We’ll set ya straight after Mr. Barkeep blows yer mind with a story or two.”
The mook was VERY friendly and utterly unaware of the danger he was in. Well, maybe danger wasn’t the right word but I still laughed like a fool on the inside to see some random mook trying to act like a ‘big homie’ to the literal Devil.
Surprisingly, Lucifer didn’t flip out on the guy. He just smiled. Mainly because of the joke I could see him setting up, I think. Otherwise, I doubt he would have been so agreeable to having his personal space invaded like this.
Lucifer chuckled unassumingly, “It is, indeed, my first time. I’m finding the Dead End to be a most fascinating establishment though.”
“Yeah, it do be that! Well, just stick with old Georgie here and I’ll show ya the ropes,” The mook — Georgie — laughed boisterously, jabbing a proud thumb at his own chest.
“That’s quite kind of you,” Lucifer praised humbly. “Georgie, you say?”
“That’s right!” Georgie nodded. “What’s yer name, partner?”
Lucifer’s smirk finally leaked through the act slightly as he ‘innocently’ introduced himself, “Lucifer, my friend. Lucifer Morningstar. A pleasure, I’m sure.”
Activity at the bar stopped on a dime. So slowly I could have sworn I heard necks creaking, everyone turned to stare at Lucifer. And stare… And stare some more as their minds struggled to come to terms with the Truth of the Dead End’s latest guest.
As if flash frozen in time and space, Georgie all but shit his pants on the spot. He couldn’t move, couldn’t even squeak. He had his arm around the Devil. The literal Devil. And he was trying to act all cool and friendly. To. The. Literal. Devil…
“Oh, fuck…” Georgie murmured breathlessly. “Father Garcia is going to kill me.”
“Really?” Lucifer asked, amused. “Well, that’s just a shame. To waste such a friendly soul… Tsk tsk. Don’t worry, Georgie. I’ll be more than happy to welcome you in my half of the afterlife neighborhood.”
Georgie whimpered at a loss for words. He looked like his eyes were about to roll back in his head. As if he were only moments away from fainting outright. Thankfully his immortal soul’s sake, Didi came to his rescue.
“Oh, stop bullying the poor man, cousin Luci,” She chided. “You have nothing to worry about, Mr. Georgie. Lucifer here is retired. He doesn’t even run Hell anymore. He’s just poking your buttons in jest.”
Georgie suddenly sagged as if all the air went out of him. Amusingly, this just made him lean against Lucifer even harder. It made him look like he was drawing support from the Devil. Which just made what he said next so much funnier.
He laughed a loud sound full of relief, “Thank fucking God for that!”
“Uh, Georgie? Buddy? Your, uh… Your arm…?” Another mook pointed out.
Georgie slowly looked at his arm, still around Lucifer’s shoulder. And then at how he was leaning against the Light-Bringer. His mind seemed to buffer for a few long moments. Suddenly, Georgie practically jumped out of his skin, yelping.
“Aieep! Fuck, man, my apologies and all that! I ain’t mean no disrespect or nothing!”
Lucifer chuckled slowly, sounding more menacing than he needed to. Everyone at the bar could see poor Georgie start to sweat. Lucifer’s laughter grew more genuine and much less menacing at that. I joined him, finally losing my composure at his whole reveal.
“My, my,” Lucifer mused between chuckles. “I think I have to thank you for this opportunity, Sean. That was EXTREMELY amusing.”
“For you, you mean?” I ‘asked’. “I think you nearly gave your poor victim a heart attack, Lucifer.”
“I-I-… I think… I need to sit down. And drown myself in booze for the rest of the night,” Georgie stuttered.
“You’re tab’s on the house, Georgie,” I offered. “Thanks for being such a good sport. Try not to stress yourself out too much over Luci’s antics, yeah?”
Shaking slightly, he sat back down at the bar, “T-Thanks, Mr. Barkeep… I’ll… I’ll try.”
“So… the Devil, huh?” Two-Face asked rhetorically. “I’ll be honest, I thought I still had a good few years before I met him.”
“Well, I suppose it’s just your lucky night,” Lucifer joked cockily, sipping his drink as if nothing was wrong in the world.
“What are you doing here… Mr. Maker…? Can I call you that?” Penguin asked, surprisingly casual in tone and demeanor. “Friend of Sean? Or just visiting Miss Didi?”
“Just call me Lucifer,” He hummed. “You’re quite calm about all this, Mr. Cobblepot.”
Penguin just shrugged, “Jewish.”
Lucifer nodded as if that explained everything, “Ah, yes, of course.”
“Huh?” A mook asked ‘intelligently’.
“In Judaism, he’s considered the head of the Satans, instead of Satan proper. Still considered evil. But not THE direct opposition of JHVH. He acts more as an Angel of Death and Accuser. I’m actually more familiar with his role before Falling. But I’m not about to refer to him by THAT name since I still quite like living,” Penguin explained matter-of-factly.
“Yes, thank you for that,” Lucifer drawled in lazy amusement. “Anyhow, I’m mostly here for Sean and Didi, yes. Didi is something of a… distant relative. And since Sean is her Prince Consort, I thought I might come and visit. Of course, it helps that he extended a pleasant invitation to me.”
“You. INVITED. the Devil. To the Dead End…?” Dick asked me, his tone and body language strained.
I looked at him as if he’d said something very strange, “Of course. Why wouldn’t I?”
“No idea… No idea why inviting the Devil to GOTHAM might be a bad idea…? No idea at all…?!” Dick was starting to sound like Barbara now.
Lucifer chuckled, “This city is quite special. Honestly, I’m surprised I didn’t have a hand in it, given how completely and utterly cursed the land here is.”
“Only in Gotham,” A mook sighed.
“Yeah, that sounds about right.”
“I don’t know if that makes how fucked up the city is worse or better…”
“I think I’d rather have it the other way ‘round. At least then we could blame all of our usual bullshit on the city being quite literally damned.”
“Unfortunately, Gotham is just how Father intended,” Lucifer smirked.
“Fuck.”
“Fuck.”
“Fuck.”
Catwoman’s chuckle came out more than a little resigned, “I’m not even surprised by that literal revelation.”
“I did warn you this city was cursed,” I pointed out.
“And yet, we all still call this place home,” Dick mumbled to himself. “We’re all a touch touched in the heads, aren’t we?”
“You said it, not me,” Lucifer quipped, smug and amused.
“Hey, Mr. Barkeep?” A goon asked, changing the subject off Gothem’s cursed insanity. “You got any funny stories about the Devil to lighten the mood?”
I nodded, making a note to cover their tab for the night as well as payment for the timely suggestion, “I may have a few. Lucifer is hardly the first Lucifer I’ve met.”
“Oho~? Now, you’ve piqued my interest, Sean,” Lucifer said, leaning forward casually to rest an elbow on the bar and his head on his hand.
“Let’s see,” I considered. “Two lives come to mind. Now, which one should I tell…?”
“Heads or tails, boys?” Two-Face joked, grinning.
“Both. I think we’re going to need both.”
“When we’re drinking with the Devil? We’re going to need all the humor and insanity we can get.”
“Yeah, don’t hold back, Mr. Barkeep. Blow our minds so sitting next to Lucifer doesn’t seem so Goddamn terrifying.”
“Little ol’ me~?” Lucifer grinned. “Surely, you’re exaggerating~”
The three mooks who had spoken paused and stared at Lucifer. As did a good portion of the others. They stared at his constant cocky expression. And the way the air seemed to smolder about him if you looked in just the right way. And those fiery brimstone eyes burning with wicked amusement.
As one, the entire audience at the bar shivered, “You got a third story in you by any chance, Mr. Barkeep?”
I chuckled, “I think two will be more than enough. Especially considering the one I start with. It should make old Luci here seem much less intimidating.”
“Oh, come now, I’m not THAT bad,” Lucifer practically purred. His grin and the expression on his face said otherwise.
Enough so that Didi stopped what she was doing to poke him with an accusatory finger, retorting, “No, cousin Luci, you’re worse. Now, please, rein in your aura and stop terrifying the mortals.”
“As you wish, little Didi,” Lucifer complied, still grinning the entire time.
“Man,” A mook muttered. “Death and the Devil… Life’s gotten kind of weird these last few months.”
Two-Face nodded in agreement, “Even for Gotham.”
“Right, let’s see if I can’t make you all think of Lucifer as something other than the big scary Devil,” I said.
Lucifer seemed more entertained than offended by that prospect, “Do your worst, Sean.”
I grinned, wicked enough to match the Devil, “Oh, I intend to. Let me tell you all the story of my adventure in Hell. One of several, in fact. I seem to end up there quite often.
“This time, I went there with a dream. A driving motivation that pushed me eternally onward. Nothing would sway me from my path. I wouldn’t stop until I reached my ultimate goal. Let me tell you about my time as the Helltaker… And my dream of having a harem of demon girls.”
The reactions to how I prefaced my story were certainly diverse. Didi sighed fondly, shaking her head and busying herself with cleaning a glass. Lucifer laughed out loud. Some of the mooks, who had been leaning forward in anticipation of a good story, fell flat. Their faces hit the bar top in comedic surprise.
But Cass’ reaction was perhaps my favorite…
“(◑○◑)”
“(ᗒ ᗨᗕ)”
She ‘said’ it best, going wide-eyed with interest. Then she laughed silently at what my words did to the rest of my audience.
Dick’s reaction was a close second though. He stopped and honestly considered my words, “Huh… You know, that honestly doesn’t sound too bad. Not too bad at all…”
Catwoman stopped him with a hand over his mouth, shaking her head seriously, “No, Dick. Bad, Dick. There is no way in Hell you need a demon girl harem. You can’t even take responsibility for your one-night stands. I love you, Dick, but you’re a bit of a fuckboy. Demon girls will literally tear you apart and damn your soul. Leave them to the experienced and insane. Like Mr. Barkeep here.”
“You didn’t have to do me like that…” Dick pouted slightly.
“She’s right, you know,” I said wisely. “Life with a demon girl harem was short and painful. I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”
“So it was worth it?”
“So fucking worth it.”
“You’re doing a pretty poor job of dissuading him from the idea,” Catwoman deadpanned.
I looked at her in confusion, “I was supposed to be dissuading him?”
Lucifer chuckled, “As amusing as young Nightwing’s delusions of haremic grandeur are, I’d like to hear more about your time in Hell, Sean. Please, continue.”
I nodded, “Through sheer spite and gumption, I managed to piece together a portal to Hell. On the first level, I met Pandemonica. She worked in Hell’s customer service department. As such, she was also referred to as the ‘Tired Demon’.”
A mook laughed, “Shit, I’d be tired too if I had to work customer service again.”
“She probably had it so much worse than with mortal customer service too,” Another mook commented.
“Yeah, Karens are bad enough. Damned Karens? That’s a special kind of Hell.”
“Hey, Luci,” A particularly bold mook called out. “Does Pandemonica exist in our Hell? I feel the need to give the poor girl an extra extra large coffee for some reason.”
Lucifer waved dismissively, “I’m sure I don’t know. I can’t be expected to remember all of the underlings. Besides, I’m retired.”
“It’s funny that you should mention coffee,” I chuckled. “That’s exactly how I ‘tamed’ Pandemonica.”
The bold mook hesitated, “Huh… Is it weird that I kinda wanna give her the coffee more now?”
He was quickly inundated with laughs and good-natured jeers. I continued my story over the commotion, “On the second level of Hell, I met Modeus, the Lustful Demon. She immediately demanded I drop my pants and fuck her into a demonic coma. I refused. ‘No time. Busy gathering girls’.”
“… Based.”
“(·ω·)b” Cass gave me a thumbs-up. ‘Great success!’
Lucifer chuckled, “Yes, that sounds about par for the course for Asmodeus. That horny old They/Them…”
“And that worked?” Two-Face asked incredulously.
“A little too well,” I chuckled. “Modeus was an absolute freak. All of the girls were but she might as well have been a succubus. The ‘leave you shriveled up and dead’ kind. She started friction fires just from masturbating. Several times.”
Dick nodded sagely, “Death by Snu-Snu. Nice.”
“After recruiting Modeus, I made my way down to level three. There, I met Cerberus, the Triple Demon.”
“Uh… Isn’t Cerberus Greek?”
I shook my head, “Not this Cerberus. Though she did have three heads. It was a ‘three bodies, one soul’ kind of deal. She was actually the easiest demon girl to ‘tame’. She was curious enough about humans that she just asked to go with me.
“On level four, I met Malina, the Sour Demon. She was an irritable, constantly grumpy girl with a love for drinking and turn-based strategy games. She just wanted someone to play with her.”
“A gamer girl. Exquisite taste, Mr. Barkeep,” Penguin raised his glass to me in a toast.
“Level five introduced me to Zdrada, the Bitch Demon.”
“Bitch Demon?” A mook laughed incredulously.
“She was actually much more pleasant than she sounds,” I explained. “If you could get over her S&M tendencies, of course.”
“Ah,” He nodded in understanding. “That kind of bitch.”
“Now, you might be noticing something of a pattern. Level six broke it slightly. There, I met Azazel, the Curious Angel.”
“Azazel?” Lucifer asked, visibly enjoying my story so far. “Well, isn’t that a surprise? Please tell me you pushed them to Fall.”
“Ehh, that wasn’t really my fault,” I said, waving my hand so-so. “She was curious enough to do that on her own. Turns out that assigning an Angel to record every sin in existence is a bad idea. Who knew?”
Lucifer barked a laugh at that, “Oh, that is rich!”
“Azazel followed me easily enough because she wanted to research and document the other demons,” I explained. “Then on level seven, I met Justice, the Awesome Demon. Nice girl. Real laid back. And blind, funnily enough. She didn’t even try to kill me once.”
“I suppose for a demon girl, that’s something of an accomplishment,” Catwoman quipped.
“It was,” I nodded. “Now, for the demon girl you’ve all been waiting for. On level eight, I finally met Lucifer, CEO of Hell. The Devil stood before me and asked me to kneel. I didn’t. Instead, I ‘tamed’ her. I offered her something more powerful than anything Hell had to offer. I tamed the Devil… with pancakes.”
“Pan… cakes…?” Crickets could have been heard in the Dead End.
“Not just any pancakes,” I added. “Chocolate pancakes.”
Lucifer adopted a considering expression, “I do quite like pancakes.”
The rest of my audience at the bar just stared at him in utter disbelief. They REALLY didn’t seem to know how to deal with that information.
“I don’t know if that makes him less intimidating or more somehow…” Someone muttered.
Didi hummed in agreement, “They are a very good comfort food. Sean’s especially.”
“Do… Do I have to add this to the file?” Dick asked, not really directing the question at anybody. “The fact that nigh-omnipotent beings seem to be tamed by pancakes?”
“Batman’s going to have kittens if pancakes ever turn out to be the last hope that saves the world,” Catwoman chortled.
“Shit, I know what I’m doing if someone stupid-powerful comes knocking,” Two-Face said, somewhere between a grunt and a laugh.
“(◣_◢)” Cass suddenly stared at me with dark, evil eyes. ‘It seems I will have to turn to the dark side to get my hands on the legendary chocolate pancakes. I will bring the world to the brink of destruction until the only hope of stopping me is unlimited pancakes! My reign of terror will start with Mr. Barkeep. Give me strength and forgive me… I know what I must do…’
“Man… Is it still weird to anyone else that you can understand her PERFECTLY?” A mook asked. “Like, that was a whole-ass speech! And I’m pretty sure I still got it all!”
“ƪ( ` ▿▿▿▿ ´ ƪ)” Cass began approaching me with an adorably menacing snarl on her face. ‘Grrrrrrr~!’
“I know what you mean,” Another mook nodded to the first. “Sometimes, she says a whole monologue with a single expression and sometimes she says something like that. It’s like my brain can’t help but translate for her.”
“Well, boys,” Dick shook his head sadly. “It’s been a good run. But if Cass has turned to evil, there’s no hope for any of us.”
“This fuckin’ bar, man…” Two-Face grunted. “You never learn how weird the Bats are when they’re just beating you up.”
“Don’t forget the company,” Lucifer smirked, raising his glass in a toast. “I doubt the Dead End would be complete without it.”
“Where else are you going to have a drink with the Devil while one of the Bat kids turns to evil?” Penguin joked.
While they bantered in the background, Cass finally pounced on me. The horror! The humanity!… I quickly subdued her into a drooling mess with an ample application of almost vicious headpats.
“( ￣﹃￣ )” ‘Eheheheheh~…’
Comments
QuantumServer
Thanks for the chapter! Great story!
WolfeBorn
I love everything about this story lmfao
